Anyone one ever recover from an affair

[heartbrokenhettie]

So just that really. Found out this evening my partner of 8 years has slept with a work colleague on several occasions.

It's still a shock and I'm totally numb, I'm unsure if to cut my losses and leave or work to repair our broken relationship ?

Does it ever work once a partner has cheated? Can any positives be gained ?

My head is spinning

Thanks. We are not married. It's not something he wanted( in related to this though)

He has left for now, staying at his parents rental.

No kids we have had a miscarriage then an ectopic. He did bring up tonight that he thinks I was depressed the year that followed the ectopic.

I do love him but I don't recognise this side of him. I would of always of side he wasn't the type ( totally cringe saying that now)

*meant not related to this.

I feel for you..,been there and my heart still feels like it’s been ripped out though it’s been over two years since I found out.

I stayed, but he left in September. He now wants to come back but it’s too late, I coukd never feel the same., although I remain full of guilt for this and the break up of my family. I never thought this would happen.

It’s bloody awful. My advice is to act strong and get in with a new life if your own. Make your choice further down the line.

Actually, on reflection, as you don’t have dcs I’d run for the hills.

There are millions of men out there who haven’t treated you like crap. And you could go it alone for ivf - much better than with a man who can let you down so badly, but to whom you’d be forever tied if you had children with him.

From my own experience, and from the experiences of some of my friends too, I would say it IS possible to get past the affair, to try harder, to understand why. It is a very very slow and difficult process. Generally tho, in the long run even when you feel you’ve a handle on it all, it’s all still there inside you both. You never fully recover. I have known couples stay together many years post an affair but it never goes away.
Mostly it’s the deceit you can’t get over, can you ever trust them again, and if you do could you trust your own judgement?
Everyone should do what they feel is best for themselves and the children, but being miserable in a relationship where you’ve been badly hurt and lied to is not better for the kids usually.

A lot of people who decide to stay often do so because they have children and they want to keep their family together.
I understand and respect that.
You have a chance of a completely new start, clean slate with someone who you can have a happily ever after and potentially a family with.
You don’t have to consider anyone’s feelings or future other than your own.
What does your gut tell you?

Should I contact her ?
I don't mean in a nasty way just in a please do not involve yourself, make her realise that her few seconds of fun have a huge knock on effect ???

I know she has no moral responsibility to me, but a women that knowing involves herself with guy who has a partner is complicit and surely takes the risk of having to own up and deal with some of the shit storm ???
Thoughts ???

If you have no children, and aren't married, and he's been unfaithful, then I woukd get out now.

You're 37. Please don't stay with a man who has treated you badly because You're worried about having children. Believe me, having children with a man who lets you down & doesn't value you is not a recipe for happiness.

What would your intention in contacting her be? To punish her? It risks you looking like the bitter angry ex. Holding onto anger does you no good long term - it's like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.

Rise above it, move on and begin afresh without either of them.

This happened to me in January, and I'm still in shock. It's very very early, only hours since yin found out

Just let yourself process it

There's loads of time to make decisions on all this later
Look after yourself, tell someone in RL, try an eat or just drink if you can't eat

We are here for you. I'm so sorry this has happened to you, it's agonising.

No kids.... That's your get out of jail free card!! Run like the wind, you are free! You'll forget him, trust me.

Thank you everyone. You're all a massive support. Although disappointing to see so many women experience this immense grief.

All I want it's for him to hold me and tell me everything willl be ok but he can't because it's his fault! I miss having him as my go to.

I'm not going to make any quick decisions, I don't have the energy. I'm going to do what I do best and internet shop!

So sorry OP.

Yes, spend lots of money on treats, that's what I did at the weekend and it did make me feel a bit better, that I was appreciating myself even if he didn't.

I found out a week ago, after many years of denials and lies. It's so hard, I know what you're going through. Do you think he's being completely honest when you ask him q? I've contacted a few different ppl so far to try and get confirmation and it all clear in my head. They've all been very kind and empathetic in their answers I think, apart from the ow. Who refused to give any answers past the fact they 'saw each other'. Nice. He's not going to admit to sleeping with you if he didn't! So wrt contacting ow, I don't think she'll give a shit how you feel, but if you want details confirming, give it a go. She might be a bit more honest and forthcoming.

Is the ivf anything to do with him? If so, you might be best cutting your losses and looking for an honest dp.

@Mytwistedimagination nope, sadly the infertility is all me. He could have children with someone who didn't have fertility issues.

For all the posters saying if you don't have kids cut your loses. It's just so hard, we have 2 dogs who are my world and I love him enough to have wanted children with him.

I would never stay with him just because I want children and I feel my clocks ticking but if I leave it is a real possibility I won't get the opportunity to have them. Realistically I would need time to recover from this , then met someone, then be in a committed long term relationship.

I couldn't sleep last night I had a massive panic attack about 3am, thought it was a heart atttack, scared the shit out of me. Almost ran his mum and dad, they live close and I love them like their my own. And then it sunk in that I risk losing them too! It has just a massive ripple effect.

I do take all your advice onboard, but it really helps writing all my thoughts down. If I start telling people in real life, I feel there's no going back.

Take your time xx

Very sorry to find that you are going through this Heartbroken. You seem like a lovely person.

I found out last year that he had been having an affair for 18 months - we’ve got 3 kids & all that goes along with that but nothing could have made me stay with him. He lied and lied and lied some more and I had no idea for most of that time so I could never trust him not to lie again. I have too much respect for myself to tolerate living with a man who has so little respect for me.
I can’t say the last 9 months have been easy & there’s still so much upheaval still to happen but the peace of mind I have every evening now going to bed knowing I don’t have to spend another minute wondering whether he’s lied today is amazing.

heartbrokenhettie

What is your DP saying and doing?
How is he reacting?

@GertieMotherwell he is devastated. He says he loves me, he has fucked everything up and will understand if I walk away but he doesn't want to lose me. Says he doesn't have feeling for her, will happily never contact her again. He says he is aware that he is a closed book and rubbish at communicating and rather speak to me he buried his head. They work in same office but at opposite ends and in different teams. He says there was never romance it was just drunk sex at the end of work nights out ( his work group are very social) he says he has repeatedly told her it shouldn't happen and would never leave me. there was one incident that wasn't drunk sex. Last Saturday morning he told me he was working but actual got an Uber from work to her house. That's how I found out. I found the Uber email receipt. That's the stinger for me, he actively left the family home, left me to sort dogs and to do the house work so he could secretly spend time with her!

I'm not perfect, and I'm sure she is much younger and prettier. I'm sure there was a thrill but he says he has made the biggest mistake and he has let everyone down.

What he says does feel genuine but it could also be the big standard cheaters script !

Op, right now your whole world is in turmoil. Everything seems impossible. And the world seems like a big scary place conspiring against you.

I found out 6 months ago. I asked my husband to leave immediately. We have 2 very young children. He actually had a bit of a breakdown. He was so unbelievably angry at himself. Defensive and like a cornered wild animal. He realised what he stood to lose.

We are now working at things, it is hard. Emotionally exhausting, but I don’t think about it constantly now, just sometimes.

We have had extensive counselling, individual and marriage. He has changed a lot. But he knows I analyse every move his face makes and every intonation in his voice. That kills him, possibly more than it kills me.

I think initially I stayed ‘for the children’ but that allowed me to give him a chance to prove himself going forward. Had there been no children I definitely would’ve left. Without a backwards glance.

And I can tell you, I really want another child but I would never have another with him. That kills him too.

He has lost out as have I. He has to bear the shame and destruction of what he has done. And fuck him, he can, because that’s consequences for you.

Good luck op.

Heartbroken, he IS to blame. He made a choice to sleep with OW, it's so easy to blame her. I did! but ultimately my exh should have thought enough of me to not have an affair.
I went through 6 tortuous years of mental health issues and low self esteem and counselling for us both and he promised that he had learned his lesson.
He did it again!
Just be kind to yourself, make sure YOU are ok.

We are 3 years on, still trying and I still don't know what to do.

I don't think the sadness ever goes and you can try and hide it with holidays and buying nice stuff and keeping busy. But the sadness hits me over and over again when I look at him.

I still don't know what to do.

I do know that if we didn't have DC there is no way I'd put myself through the emotional stress and trauma of the last 3 years. Good luck OP x

If he wants to stay with you heartbroken, and lets face it, he has a choice too. Then he must do everything you need, even if that means leaving his job.

I told my DH he had that choice. I told him that I hadn’t decided to stay, I had just decided not to leave but either of us were free to change our minds at any point. That his life with me would be hell for the forseeable future and there was no limit on that time.

Yes, the truth trickled out over a long period of time.
Yes, it was painful
The affair was shocking but his actions since have surprised me more. Only time will tell if your DP can meet your needs to get through this.

Our relationship is better in many ways but definitely more fragile. My life is infinitely better because I changed it. I now live my life and choose to have him in it. I will never, ever find myself in that position again because I have protected myself

I’m older than you though and everyone’s situation is different. No-one can tell you what to do, that’s your decision xxx

@GertieMotherwell I could never ask him to leave his job. Prior to this job he was at a job he hated and the stress was making him ill. He is far happier at this firm ( definitely not related to his affair)

I want to avoid dishing out punishments or ultimatum , if we move forward it's because I have accepted his apology and can forgive and put it to bed over a period of adjustment.

It has made me feel like a ugly unattractive mess. I keep picturing an absolute goddess when I picture her! But that is just my insecurities.