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Original poster

I can't leave ill husband can I?

96 replies

DrowningInSellotape · 07/05/2018 23:37

My Dh has an incurable illness and also is quite horrible and difficult to live with, this has been going on for years now and just getting worse. He is totally self centred and makes everything about him, and is also incredibly negative about everything in life / our lives. He was like this before he got ill and obviously having this illness is just horrible for him but he takes it out on me and our teenage DC's. Just one example today. He decided to mow the lawn and I knew he would find it very tiring. I said we would do it together in stages so she he got a bit tired he could rest a d I would take over. He refused this and did it all himself even though I offered again a couple of times. Afterwards he stormed into the house shouting, saying he'd had enough of everything and was exhausted from mowing the lawn. I said he should have taken me up on my offer but he just pushed past me and stamped upstairs to bed, still shouting. A bit later I was in the phone to my friend, and I could hear him up again, shouting at my youngest Dc (age 18). This sort if thing happens A LOT and it makes me so stressed and miserable, I hate being at home with him and he is an utter misery guts. I know he is ill and I do so much for him but nothing is appreciated. I've read articles and seen programmes about people with the same illness and some of the things they do to cope with it, including trying positive thinking, but he does nothing of this. I feel completely trapped, I hate our relationship. Does a gone have any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
DrowningInSellotape · 07/05/2018 23:39

Sorry, I meant to say does anyone have any advice? Sorry for typos

OP posts:
Dhalandchips · 07/05/2018 23:40

I left. If you do, be prepared for vitriol and haters. However, there is also freedom and calm. That bit takes some time, but my god it feels good to be selfish for a change. Good luck x

Original poster
DrowningInSellotape · 07/05/2018 23:43

Yes I would be seen as the awful bitch who left the ill man, I can't think what his family would say or mine for that matter.

OP posts:
PickAChew · 07/05/2018 23:43

Of course you can leave. If you feel obligated to help organise care for him, you don't have to be in a relationship with him.

I'm sure someone will jump in to mention marriage vows but they go both ways.

WomaninGreen · 07/05/2018 23:44

Op you say "he was like this before he got ill"

So you're not thinking of leaving because of anything related to his illness. You're thinking of leaving because he's ....being diplomatic....just not cool to live with generally?

That's a different thing. If you want to leave, leave. This isn't about giving him time to adjust or even about sickness and health. It's his personality.

Original poster
DrowningInSellotape · 07/05/2018 23:46

How do you go about leaving? I wouldn't know how to start, if I did decide to do it. It would mean selling the house I suppose, and buying two houses? He often says he wants to go off and live on his own anyway, I wish he would.

OP posts:
Quickquestionhl · 07/05/2018 23:47

I haven't been in this position but you sound so miserable. Yes some people will judge you if you leave him but it's your life. Sorry op, I think you need to try not to worry about what other people will think. They aren't the ones living with him. You matter too.

Original poster
DrowningInSellotape · 07/05/2018 23:48

Yes it's his personality. The illness seems to have exacerbated traits that were already there. He is very very bitter.

OP posts:
Original poster
DrowningInSellotape · 07/05/2018 23:50

It seems very very difficult to leave. Sounds dreadful but I fantasize about him just dying Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
DrowningInSellotape · 07/05/2018 23:54

I'm 54 and feel like I'm in the prime of my life too. I'm very sociable- obviously he never cones out with me - but i also like my own company. He's 12 years older than me but my 80 year old father has more get up and go, even taking the illness out of account.

OP posts:
nittynotty · 07/05/2018 23:54

I do so much for him but nothing is appreciated

He often says he wants to go off and live on his own anyway

Where is the reason for staying for either of you in any of this OP?

Original poster
DrowningInSellotape · 07/05/2018 23:59

The children, nittynotty
Especially the youngest who has aspergers and anxiety and is often saying "You won't get a divorce will you?" And I always day No. She's off to Uni in September and the thought of her family home disappearing may have an awful affect.

OP posts:
Bunbunbunny · 08/05/2018 00:03

A sick arsehole is still an arsehole

Original poster
DrowningInSellotape · 08/05/2018 00:05

I'm going to get down sleep now but will post again in the morning- hopefully i won't be so down about It all then.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 08/05/2018 00:07

I left mine. He had an incurable kidney disease but he was so bad tempered, and the atmosphere in the house was miserable. My leaving didn't make him worse, he might have been relieved and maybe didn't even notice.

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 08/05/2018 00:10

What is his illness, is it cureable? And how was your relationship before it. The ultimate question is do you love him?

LolitaLempicka · 08/05/2018 00:11

Would it fall to your children to look after him though? That would be the only thing to stop me. I looked after a very sick parent at a young age and it was terrible. If there is a support network in place though, I would leave. My dad was incredibly selfish and it was exacerbated by his illness, he just became so entitled and horrible.

GnotherGnu · 08/05/2018 00:13

Whyareall, try reading the OP?

captainjackandjill · 08/05/2018 00:15

Being ill is not an excuse to be nasty. I couldn't stay with someone behaving that way. I've been ill most of my life and I've made a huge effort to never take the pain and exhaustion I feel out on others. He could make that choice too, but instead he takes it out on you and your DC.

Even if they can't see it yet, your DC are being harmed by his behaviour just as you are yourself. Please look after you and your DCFlowers

PetulantPolecat · 08/05/2018 00:21

Is that him at his “horrible”? Because it sounds like someone who is frustrated with his own body and trying to do “normal” things, then failing, then just feeling angry and frustrated. Yes, it doesn’t create a nice atmosphere but you know, he’s dying and all. Being angry with the world and taking it out on your loved ones when you’re processing terminal illness surely deserves a bit of empathy?

eggncress · 08/05/2018 00:25

If it’s his personality rather than the illness, yes leave. Life is too short to have to put up with miserable, bitter people.
You may get judged by some but they’re not living with him, you are!
As far as marriage vows go... his negative behaviour, miserable attitude and lack of respect to you would indicate he had already broken his vows.
Your dc will be happier. Nobody is telling them they can’t still see both parents. ( and your daughter is no longer having to live with him either.... but you are! Once she leaves home her horizons will grow and you and her dad separating might not seem such a disaster to her by then anyway)

lastkisstoo · 08/05/2018 00:31

@PetulantPolecat I didn't read that the op's husband is terminal, just that he has an incurable illness.

I live with an incurable illness that affects me every day. I don't take it out on my family like that, nor am I dying.

Jux · 08/05/2018 00:33

Leave.

I have an incurable condition which is horrible. I hope if I were that insufferable and if dh were as unhappy as you are that he would dump me. I do try not to be horrid, but there are moments. Mind you, dh is pretty insufferable quite a lot of the time without being ill! Grin

ZenNudist · 08/05/2018 00:35

@PetulantPolecat OP didnt say he was terminal, just that it was incurable and makes him tired. I assume he is in pain. Is the dh required to show empathy for how his family feel being got at all the time and nothing they do ever being good enough.

OP speaking from experience it is not good to grow up with this kind of father. My df is similar in that he was often in pain but was also a naturally nasty man without the pain. I used to try and persuade dm to leave. I grew up into a very apologetic person and insecure. Fortunately i sorted myself out a bit.

I think you only get one life and you should not have to live like this. Work out a plan financially and practically and do it.

Singlenotsingle · 08/05/2018 00:37

How do you do it? My dh chose a nice ground floor flat and we bought it for him. He moved out and everybody was happier. It just takes a cards on the table frank discussion. Doesn't have to be acrimonious, just an acknowledgement that no one's happy and something has to be done.

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