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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I can't leave ill husband can I?

96 replies

DrowningInSellotape · 07/05/2018 23:37

My Dh has an incurable illness and also is quite horrible and difficult to live with, this has been going on for years now and just getting worse. He is totally self centred and makes everything about him, and is also incredibly negative about everything in life / our lives. He was like this before he got ill and obviously having this illness is just horrible for him but he takes it out on me and our teenage DC's. Just one example today. He decided to mow the lawn and I knew he would find it very tiring. I said we would do it together in stages so she he got a bit tired he could rest a d I would take over. He refused this and did it all himself even though I offered again a couple of times. Afterwards he stormed into the house shouting, saying he'd had enough of everything and was exhausted from mowing the lawn. I said he should have taken me up on my offer but he just pushed past me and stamped upstairs to bed, still shouting. A bit later I was in the phone to my friend, and I could hear him up again, shouting at my youngest Dc (age 18). This sort if thing happens A LOT and it makes me so stressed and miserable, I hate being at home with him and he is an utter misery guts. I know he is ill and I do so much for him but nothing is appreciated. I've read articles and seen programmes about people with the same illness and some of the things they do to cope with it, including trying positive thinking, but he does nothing of this. I feel completely trapped, I hate our relationship. Does a gone have any advice?

OP posts:
TemptressofWaikiki · 08/05/2018 13:45

Life is an incurable disease. We all die at some point. This moody fecker could hang in there for years and years. Start the separation. Start living!

SandysMam · 08/05/2018 14:04

Life is an incurable disease

This!!!
None of us are getting out of here alive and at 66 he has already had more life than many get to have, likely me included. Keep us updated OP, you deserve to be happy.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/05/2018 14:09

She's off to Uni in September and the thought of her family home disappearing may have an awful affect.

Your daughter is a young adult. She will cope. Do not use this as an excuse for staying.

He was like this before he got ill

So him being an arsehole has nothing to do with his illness. He's just an arsehole!

Stop putting yourself at the bottom of the pile of everyone. You deserve to be happy too. Unfortunately, until you realise that, I don't see you actually leaving. Stop feeling guilty. It's not your fault he's ill. It's not your fault he's an abusive arsehole.

Please do something to change your life. You and the DC will be much happier for it.

DrowningInSellotape · 08/05/2018 16:20

Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to post. I've read all your replies! Especially those of you who have an incurable illness yourselves.

Just to clarify, it's not a terminal illness but an incurable illness. Also, yes the DC's are his. I probably automatically refer to them as "my" DCs rather than "our" because I do feel like a single mum a lot of the time.
I've had a conversation with the middle DC who is nearly 20 yrs old. She just wants me to be happy and hates how things are at home too, it's making her quite down and I know I have her full support.
I mentioned to DH this morning that I want to sell up and get two places. He was very non-commital, didn't seem bothered either way, but he did muster the energy to express some concern about the dog Hmm

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/05/2018 16:41

I mentioned to DH this morning that I want to sell up and get two places.

Good. Well done on taking the first step. You now have to make sure he knows you're serious - start getting legal advice.

DrowningInSellotape · 08/05/2018 16:43

to answer a few pp's points:

@MismatchedPJs - yes I am sure he has depression and has done for a very long while now. I have encouraged him to take anti-depressants and the GP has suggested it,, but he refuses to take them.

@ThirdTimeUnlucky - I agree, giving youngest the information in drip form is the best way - after all, this will take time.

@TinklyLittleLaugh - YES! It does feel like he's trying to push me away, whether consciously or unconsciously.

OP posts:
DrowningInSellotape · 08/05/2018 16:47

Life is an incurable disease - YES! I have many times said to him that I could be killed, myself, in a flash, crossing the road or something. No one knows what's round the corner. (That's a worry because all three DC's rely on me for a lot and know not to approach DH with any problems etc). But of course, he's not taken that on board at all.

OP posts:
Bluesheep8 · 08/05/2018 17:40

I have MS. It is incurable but not terminal. They are two separate things.

DrowningInSellotape · 08/05/2018 19:38

I have just said to Dh again that i want to separate, and he says he doesn't want to. I don't know what happens next. Do I wait for him to come round to the idea or force the issue? I feel quite certain now.

OP posts:
RedSquirrelMoonlight · 08/05/2018 19:43

You need to show him your serious. And force the issue.

CocoaGin · 08/05/2018 20:30

You just need to keep reinforcing the idea. The more you repeat it, the more he will realise that you are serious.

Olddear · 08/05/2018 20:52

You dont need his permission. I would carry on and make plans to leave if I were you.

CoconutQueen · 08/05/2018 21:03

Stay strong OP. You have a lovely bright future ahead and you can do ANYTHING.

weekfour · 08/05/2018 21:05

I’d continue to make plans too. He may well realise what he’s going to miss and try to talk you round.

Maybe things can be turned around? I’d need to see some pretty strong evidence of this though. It’s taken you a long time to get here so it would take a long time to fix. Would you consider counselling together?

You sound like a really strong woman. Don’t forget that!

MismatchedPJs · 09/05/2018 08:41

There's a scene in the sitcom Coupling. Steve says he's decided to end things between them. Jane says "No, I don't accept."

It's funny because that's just not how it works. Either one of you can call time on it, the other doesn't get to say yay or nay. Reframe it. It's not a question of forcing the issue, he can't make you stay with him against your will.

Give him some time to digest and process it though. You've been thinking this a long time, but he probably hasn't and no matter his character flaws you may still be turning his life upside down. But that's something to work through, not a reason to stay forever. Be kind in day to day dealings with him, but resolute in the big picture.

MismatchedPJs · 09/05/2018 08:45

It's also possible that you showing you're serious will concentrate his mind to get help for his depression etc. You'll have to decide how to handle it if it does make him truly make an effort. (and bear in mind making changes when you're depressed is that much more of a hill to climb)

Mosaic123 · 09/05/2018 08:54

See a solicitor to get an idea of your options when separating. No need to tell your husband that you are doing this.

HotFlushesMoi · 09/05/2018 09:16

He doesn't have to agree or accept. Don't wait for some mythical time when he might 'come round'. Act. Get legal advice, decide what you want to do then move forward.

My XH said he wouldn't agree to us separating. It didn't stop it happening.

Jux · 09/05/2018 22:09

You do not have to ask permission to end a relationship. You have the right to end it all by yourself.

Give him a few days to think about it, and then tell him you're serious and are not asking his permission but making a decision for yourself. Be assertive.

DrowningInSellotape · 09/05/2018 22:48

To update, I have told him the affect of his behaviour on our homelife and he has since been making a big effort with his attitude. He said he would try and remember to take his medication. Durrrrrr! Obviously be should be taking that - what a twit. Not taking it makes him an awful lot worse - he has this aversion to taking medication (hence refusal of anti depressants) which in itself is a bit selfish i think. And I have mooted the idea of at least having the house valued and thinking about what we could get in terms of two separate places close to one another. I don't think I want a divorce. He at first dismissed the idea but then I think came around a little to the idea of his own small place. Anyway, things are moving a little. Also I am less stressed about the affect on the youngest DC now, thanks to pp's comments on this thread so thank you all!

OP posts:
DrowningInSellotape · 09/05/2018 22:50

P.S. - house being valued tomorrow!

OP posts:
Dancingtothemusicoftime · 09/05/2018 23:35

OP, some years ago I was a police officer. I frequently had to deliver bad news to relatives when one of their loved ones had died suddenly or in an accident. It is a horrible task and dreadful for all concerned: the bereaved will react in a variety of ways but generally their immediate response is shock, anger and disbelief, combined with utter heartbreak.

One such occasion still remains with me very vividly. My colleague and I went to a lady's house to inform her that her husband had died in a road traffic accident. Her reaction, after a pause to take in the news, was to start laughing and repeatedly say 'thank god, thank god'. We had had bereavement training so simply assumed that this was an unusual variation on the spectrum of responses to terrible news.

I saw her again a few weeks later when out on patrol and asked how she and her DC were, and repeated my condolences. She told me not to worry about her and the DC - they were all in a very good place.

Apparently she had been living and caring for this man who had a chronic illness for many years. His behaviour to her and the children was utterly vile, including physical and emotional abuse, but she had felt too guilty to leave and could not face the likely criticism from his and her families. For her, his death was a liberation but she did say that in retrospect she wished she had got out years earlier as now he gone, she realised how much kinder her world was and how freed she and the children were.

Hopefully you will never be faced with this situation, OP, but do please remember that you get one life - one very short life - as do your DC and you can both still parent but separately and amicably Thanks

DrowningInSellotape · 10/05/2018 22:03

Update: DH is now "feeding off" DC3's devastation at me having the house valued. DD2 worked with me ALL afternoon to tidy and clean in preparation for this, and DC3 (the one on the spectrum) noticed her room was tidy when she got home and freaked out. She's been sobbing about me "breaking up the family" and then DH told her he doesn't want to go and live on his own actually, and then just shouted about being expected to just pay all the bills and stomped off to the bedroom as per usual. We ended up phoning DC1 (Age 21 and currently in a different time zone) just for moral support and to keep her in the loop, even though it was 5am or thereabouts where she is. Does not feel right not to tell her about what's going on here, although in a way it was selfish of me to call her at that time of day. DC2 (20) spoke to her mainly, whilst I sat with DC3 (hysterically upset).

OP posts:
CocoaGin · 11/05/2018 09:41

He's playing the emotional blackmail card. And you have to stay strong. This is for his benefit as much as yours, as you all sound dreadfully unhappy. Your DCs will be devastated in the short term, but they will also be happier in the long term if they aren't walking around on eggshells and having to live with your DHs anger. They aren't losing either of you, you're just not going to be living under the same roof - keep that perspective at the front of your mind.

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Stay strong Flowers.

hellsbellsmelons · 11/05/2018 09:57

Well done on taking steps to separate.
And I'm sorry DC3 isn't taking it well.
But then they never do initially.
You cannot and should not live an unhappy life.
It's far too short.
Keep going.