I can't leave ill husband can I?

[DrowningInSellotape]

My Dh has an incurable illness and also is quite horrible and difficult to live with, this has been going on for years now and just getting worse. He is totally self centred and makes everything about him, and is also incredibly negative about everything in life / our lives. He was like this before he got ill and obviously having this illness is just horrible for him but he takes it out on me and our teenage DC's. Just one example today. He decided to mow the lawn and I knew he would find it very tiring. I said we would do it together in stages so she he got a bit tired he could rest a d I would take over. He refused this and did it all himself even though I offered again a couple of times. Afterwards he stormed into the house shouting, saying he'd had enough of everything and was exhausted from mowing the lawn. I said he should have taken me up on my offer but he just pushed past me and stamped upstairs to bed, still shouting. A bit later I was in the phone to my friend, and I could hear him up again, shouting at my youngest Dc (age 18). This sort if thing happens A LOT and it makes me so stressed and miserable, I hate being at home with him and he is an utter misery guts. I know he is ill and I do so much for him but nothing is appreciated. I've read articles and seen programmes about people with the same illness and some of the things they do to cope with it, including trying positive thinking, but he does nothing of this. I feel completely trapped, I hate our relationship. Does a gone have any advice?

I appreciate you say it's his personality but is it possible that it's being made worse by depression? Eg MS and depression are known to be linked but that doesn't mean the depression can't be treated.

My aunt was in a similar position and he made her life hell . She didn't leave until much too late.

She's a Quaker and never says a bad word about anyone. Apart from him.

When he died, a vicar she is friends with, was giving her his condolences, and she told him not to waste his breath. When he asked her how she was feeling, she said "free"

There is always the option to leave any relationship. Is it definitely the best idea? Maybe, maybe not!

I would talk it through with a counsellor or relationship counsellor before making a definite decision.

Also I am just wondering whether even though your DH was already an irritable person perhaps his medication or his condition itself is actually responsible for some of his emotions and behaviours?

I used to fantasise about my ex dying, god I hate him so much.

See a solicitor, it might not be a case of selling the house. Depends a bit on your earnings etc, but do it now. Just tell him to leave.

Being ill isn't an excuse for being an arsehole. Being in pain does mean that sometimes patience and tolerance is lower than it should be, and the occasional outburst is one thing, but if he was an arsey twat before he got ill, then his illness is no excuse.

Most neurological, some cardiac and some cancers can cause behavioural changes and medication for many serious diseases cause irritability.

I'm in the same situation, Sellotape, and believe it's best to leave after doing all you can to find him a new place to live. I did this for mine. We sold our house and he went to live in an assisted-living seniors' residence while our son and I found a place a live. Unfortunately the residence he was in asked me to place him in a nursing home because they didn't have the staff to help him live independently. So he's back living with us again, much to my frustration. I can't stand the idea of him going to a nursing home and there is nowhere else for him to go. He has moderate dementia, Parkinson's disease and bipolar disorder. A real joy to be around... I wish you luck in freeing yourself from this sad situation.

My mother had been gearing up to leave my father for years before he was diagnosed with an incurable illness, She stuck it out for another seven or eight years post-diagnosis until she finally hit the "fuck it" level and kicked him out.

Fundamentally, you are either going to sacrifice the rest of your life to him or you are going to have to leave.

If you leave, some people are going to assume that you are a terrible human being who has left him because he is ill. Some of those people are going to assume that because he tells them so. Some of those people are going to assume that because he records an actual video for the charity associated with his condition in which he claims that in the apparent belief that you'll never see it.

Fuck them.

For what it's worth, my parents got along much better once they'd separated and continued on a friendly basis until my father died (in spite of That Video).

OP of course you can leave him. You say he has always been like this. Life is too short and you deserve happiness.
Also in terms of practicalities, you sell the house and buy somewhere cheaper each. A small flat maybe?
I get that your DC does not want you to split up, but your Dc is going to University soon. Are you going to live the rest of your life miserable just so that your DC is not upset?

I have an incurable illness I'm unwell a lot of the time although I don't behave like your dh! Our lives have changed because of it though.

I would hate to find out that my partner stayed with me because he didn't know how to leave because I'm ill.

If he's not happy I hope he leaves I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't want to be with me.

Also OP, your DC can still manage to do things like mowing the lawn, even if it was really too much for him. So presumably is able to manage the basics of caring for himself. Much better to leave now, than wait say 10 years time where he can't manage by himself. It will be much harder to leave then.

Also OP you say this has been going on for years now. So it is very very unlikely to change. You need to decide. Do you choose happiness? Or a lifetime of martyring your happiness by staying with him.

@DrowningInSellotape "...does anyone have any advice?"

My only advice is that we all only get one life. If you end up living yours with a man who makes you very unhappy, for whatever reason, you are wasting it.

If leaving is best for you, do it. If it is best for the kids, then you can offer them a home with you.

Are they his kids, you said "... my youngest Dc (age 18)." Just make sure your kids know they also do not need to stay.

"I would be seen as the awful bitch who left the ill man, I can't think what his family would say or mine for that matter."

You can tell them you have fallen out of love with each other, and despite his being ill, he is still a person, and so are you, and life is too short to live in a marriage that is not working, for either of you.

He may choose to paint himself as the victim, and you may well wish to tell people how horrible he had become. However, I think the best appraoch is just that neither of you really loves the other anymore. If he loves you, he will be willing to change. He cannot change being ill but he could change how he behaves towards you.

"He often says he wants to go off and live on his own anyway, I wish he would." So wqhen he says that ask if he is serious. If he is how can you do this, together, and tell family together?

"Especially the youngest who has aspergers and anxiety and is often saying "You won't get a divorce will you?"

I know some people stay married for the kids but she is an adult. Could you and your husband talk together about the best way to manage this. Could you convert the home into two maisonette and have one each so you were not living together but the 'home'was there for your dd. Maybe a bad idea, just thinking! Not been in your shoes but sending huge sympathy to you.

I just wanted to add OP that one of the things I have learned through experience, is that choosing to be happy means being brave. It means doing things that sometimes others do not approve of or will judge us for. I know it is difficult, I am not minimising that. But I do hope you are brave enough to choose to be happy.
There are people on the SN board who can advise you of the practicalities to help your DC cope if you divorce. And people here who have divorced and can advise on some of the practicalities.

A terminal disease is an incurable one.

Guilt kept me there for 22 years, then i left
I was free.

Op, take it a step at a time.
I put house on the market and the proceeds split. Enough to buy a modest home.
It was difficult financially but still much easier than being the target of paranoia.

No one is obligated to stay in an abusive relationship just because the abuser is ill.
The harm being done the children by learning that this abusive behavior is normal is the best reason to leave.

Is that him at his “horrible”? it sounds like someone who is frustrated with his own body and trying to do “normal” things, then failing, then just feeling angry and frustrated.

My df was like this. He would overdo it and then be snappy. We would say do a little bit at a time and offer help but it was his ego that stood in the way. I'm sure it takes time, infact a lot of time to grieve for your health and go through processes to accept a new normal but the op's husband seems to always have been like this and refuses to change.

He probably bottles everthing up but it's definitely not fair on the kids to have anger in the household.

Op have you tried to ask about his anger or how he feels about the lack of strength? If he will not have a conversation and flat out withholds then it is horrible. Op is left to second guess his moods and left silenced. My df would excert control by outbursts of rage as he showed complete refusal he was wrong.

polecat I don't think that is most people's definition of a terminal disease. I have been living with a chronic illness for 30 years that is incurable. I would not describe it as a terminal illness.

My honest answer is that we get one life. It's not a practise or trial run, this is it. And it really is too too short and precious to be unhappy every day. Which is what you are. Yes your DH is ill but he's also not a nice person. And you don't have to be a martyr to him.
Cards on the table - have an honest chat, and say you want to see if living separately would make life easier for both of you. It doesn't have to be the end of your marriage necessarily, you may get on far better with him if you're not the target of his anger at life.

As for what other people think, that's the worst reason in the world to stay in an unhappy relationship.

Maybe he feels the same but because of the illness, is scared to be alone. Why not say you cannot live together any more, but can still offer friendship and support as it’s clear to both of you that your marriage is over. As long as it is no more than you can afford to give (as MNHQ would say!) it may be a way to ease your guilt and give you the freedom you deserve. Don’t be held hostage by your daughter either. She is off to uni and to start her life, she cannot expect you to carry on in misery just for her, Aspergers or no Aspergers.

My 2nd XH was a controlling bully and if I ever spoke up for myself, he'd use his incurable illness as an excuse. He was very manipulating. Due to his illness we slept in separate beds a lot of the time. I finally had enough but rather than saying 'that's it', I suggested I move out. Luckily I was able to afford a mortgage on my own. We separated all finances and he was able to give me 'some' of the equity on our home. He was quite excited about the situation, after all, he had all the space and control he wanted. It could have worked, however, he only wanted to see me once a week. I finally called time on our marriage after a year living apart. By that stage it was easy as all finances had been sorted. He maintains that I planned it that way all along. Whatever! I learn to grow a thick skin and not bother about what he or other people thought. You only have one life. As for your Aspergers daughter. My son has Aspergers and now I am separating from another DH (long story) I've found that being honest is the best policy. Give her information in drip form so she can slowly get used to the idea. Tell her that nothing major will change, she'll still have a home and two loving parents. Can you honestly say that you can bare living like you are until your daughter leaves the nest? Be brave. You won't regret it.

Its a horrible situation. I have an incurable condition and I was angry, frustrated and pretty vile to DH over the weekend. We talked it out though and I apologised and he said he understood. (DH is an absolute saint).

I dunno, it's hard. I suspect that DH would have a better life without me. He would love a wife he could do active sporty things with. I think if he left I would come to terms with it because it would be better for him. In dark times I consider leaving him myself. We do love each other though and have a great family life.

Is it possible your DH is purposely pushing you away?

That is no way to live and will only be making your children anxious. Tell him that he needs anger management counselling or something and if he doesn't start acting like a decent human then you'll leave. Be honest with friends and family. You sound absolutely lovely so I'm sure that they would understand that you have very valid reasons for leaving.

If you no longer love him or think that even if he changed his behaviour you want to be with him then leave.

I have a couple of incurable illnesses.
I hope to god if I ever get so miserable that I’m affecting those I hold most dear to me that they would tell me in no uncertain terms and then leave me to it if I didn’t heed the warnings.

The very reason I am able to be so upbeat all the time (well, most) is because if I wallow in it, the pain gets worse and I really suffer. If I have a positive attitude I find I feel less pain. My kids and my partner appreciate that I try my hardest and when things are unbearable they support me more- and I have learned to accept help (like you with the offering to mow the garden with him). Quite honestly, you won’t be leaving because of his illness, it’ll be because he’s unbearable to be around.

The fact that your dd worries over divorce tells me she’s aware of the situation and knows it’s on the cards. Be realistic, be honest. Home will be much calmer and happier without him, so start making your plans. You’re so young... do you really want to be with someone forever who makes you so unhappy?

It's not the same/as embedded as a marriage, but years ago I left a partner who I lived with and owned a house with who had a serious chronic pain problem. He was also incidentally very selfish.

I really feel very sorry for you, because it is deeply difficult and confusing - and the guilt is the worst. Illness, mental or physical, really changes what we feel we can ask of a partner, and disrupts the whole notion of what is 'fair' or what we are allowed to ask for our own life.

Because of all of this, if you possibly can go to counselling to think this through, I would. It really helped me. Fundamentally, I think that the situation had meant that I was mentally so focused on my OH, I just hadn't had the opportunity to put myself and my own needs into the centre of my life.

I just think it might help you to be clearer on how to manage whatever lies ahead for you.