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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I havent met boyfriend's friends in 3 years

134 replies

AnnaStudy · 07/05/2018 23:33

I admit ive acted a bit psychotic the past few days, very unlike me but im starting to feel frustrated :( Anyways, im a female (24), hes (25) been together 3 years. Met his family but not his friends. We havent argued for months, well nothing this big anyway, but i think ive caused it by overreacting and im scaring him away.

Anyways, i knew he was watching the football the other night with his 2 friends so i was happy. I hadnt heard off him since about 12pm but it was fine.

Anyways about 8pm i was scrolling down facebook and saw his friend was tagged in a photo. My boyfriend was in it and there was about 5 girls, my boyfriend and his 2 friends having a drink and bbq outside. I started to get upset. I phoned twice but he didnt answer. And sent a text saying how im upset this is another thing i havent been invited to. He didnt respond for hours then at 11pm, i had a text saying he doesnt understand why i said that and that im over reacting. I didnt respond then at 1am i had a friend request off a girl who was in the picture and a poke off her on facebook. Didnt respond.

The next morning he text saying we can go away for the night. After that text, i rung him and he was really awkward. He said he doesnt know what we can do and hes asked to meet his friends now. I went mad and said im coming to his house. Weve never had a screaming match like it :( i was telling him how i want to meet his friends and i dont understand why i wasnt invited to the bbq or at least why he didnt tell me about it. He said it was his friends bbq and they were all sisters and cousins of his friend. Then he said "i kinda want to spend the day with you but i kinda want to spend it with my friends" So i said "what? You text me saying to go away??" And he said "yeah but you took too long to reply so ive asked my mates but i can take you and cancel on them" So i was stubborn and saying how i feel like second choice. Then he said "maybe i can see my friends today you tonight" to which i said "so im stuck in all day whilst youre once again drinking", He then just said lets go away. And off we went. It was awkward at first but we had a lovely 2 days together.

Got back 2 hours ago, i cleaned up and logged onto facebook. First thing i see is a picture of my boyfriend wearing a girls jacket from that night. This brought back all the feelings again but i wanted to speak to him in person. Drove to his house (i know psychotic but i was just so upset and needed to talk) he came to sit in my car. He said i was being stupid and scaring him since we had a great weekend and now im bringing up old stuff and we might as well have not gone. I asked him to put himself in my shoes, and think how hed feel if he hadnt met my friends and saw a picture of me surrounded by men he didnt know and then one of them poked and added him on facebook and then he saw a picture of me in a mans jacket. He said thats different because he was just having a laugh wearing a girls jacket. I said it seems flirtatious.

(BTW he claimed the girl who added me on facevook was actually his friends on her account). He said he doesnt know what to think and he cant believe i drove to his house. I said its just weirded me out. I drove home and Hes told me not to ring him or anything and that ive tainted the holiday. I stupidly rung him to apologise and he said ive brought this on myself and i need to think about what ive done. (Little extra, on our getaway, he kept "joking" about how hed rather be with his friends) I think ive ruined things and we had such a nice 2 days :( im such a mess-up :(

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 08/05/2018 05:50

He doesn't respect you or want you to be completely part of his life

userabcname · 08/05/2018 05:52

So what I'm getting from this thread is:
Your bf is a cheat.
He prioritises drinking and his social life over your relationship.
You, however, have to prioritise him over your social life or he feels "ignored".
He makes jokes to undermine you and question yourself.
You are not allowed to talk to him about what upsets you as that makes you "needy" and he ignores you.
He promises you things and doesn't stick to them (or even claim to remember them).
Honestly OP, does that sound like a loving, healthy relationship? You deserve so so much better. Do not lower your standards for this man and do not allow yourself to be treated with such disrespect. Yes, you love him and yes it will be hard to break it off but you will feel so much better when you do!

Sharonthetotallyinsane · 08/05/2018 06:02

LTB. You’ve had great advice on this thread, he is not the partner you want or deserve.

Bekabeech · 08/05/2018 06:42

Oh and couples do argue - I've been married over 25 years and we still argue especially if one of us is being selfish or inconsiderate. I'd suspect if a couple never argues then one of them is being controlling.

LTB

Go NC and start the rest of your life.

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 08/05/2018 06:55

This is toxic. LTB he’s a complete idiot. He wants to have his cake and eat it. He’s most likely cheating on you as you’ve forgiven him twice before. You deserve better get out now.

Beaverhausen · 08/05/2018 07:46

You need to get out of this relationship OP, get yourself better mentally and realise not all men are immature neanderthals and find someone who will treat you with the respect and love you deserve.

Please do consider it as it is clearly affecting your mental health.

Original poster
AnnaStudy · 08/05/2018 07:48

I will definitely be taking everyone's advice into consideration. In a way it feels great that I'm not just going crazy. After being told "woah I'm wearing a girls jacket, I'm such a bad boyfriend" and "How terrible of me to spend time with my friends" (obviously sarcasm from him), I actually thought I was a paranoid mess who's driving him away. So thanks for reminding me that his behaviour is not normal, makes me feel a little less crazy

OP posts:
MiniCooperLover · 08/05/2018 07:52

You've been together too long for you not to be a full part of his life. You're also young and should be having the time of your life and lots of fun, this does not sound like it !!! Leave and start your own life.

Original poster
AnnaStudy · 08/05/2018 07:57

He uses the excuse that he's not bothered about meeting my friends so he doesn't get why I'm bothered about meeting his. He's met my friends once or twice on a night out but other than That, when I invite him out or ask him to meet them he just says no and that's he's got his own friends.
He doesn't have Facebook so these photos make me think what's he been doing the other times he's been claiming to watch Facebook with his 2 friends

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 08/05/2018 08:14

He's playing you like a fish. After 3 years together most couples would be talking about moving in together or would already have done so. You still aren't part of his social circle. Stop trying to figure out why. Stop trying to fix him or hoping he'll change. He's wearing you down and driving you mad. Get rid and find someone that values you and makes you happy.

LoveProsecco · 08/05/2018 08:17

You have loads of great advice here. For me TooGood on the above post has summed it up perfectly. Stop trying to change him or work out why he behaves like he does. It's a toxic relationship that will not change. He has all the power/control. Instead focus on improving your self-esteem and working on learning what a healthy relationship is.

LTB & don't date until you have worked on yourself

LoveProsecco · 08/05/2018 08:17

^ Sorry that should be TooTrue

Isetan · 08/05/2018 08:25

When are you going to take responsibility for your decision to stay in a relationship with a man who wants to keep you separate from other parts of his life.

There isn’t a parallel universe where he’s different and your refusal to accept him for who he is, is your greatest problem.

acatcalledjohn · 08/05/2018 08:39

I strongly suggest you have an STD test, assuming you are sexually active with him. Reading your posts I have a strong suspicion you are not his only sexual partner...

But yes. Ditch the bastard. He's playing you like a second fiddle.

sweetpotatoe · 08/05/2018 08:44

Your not psychotic you have been together for 3 years and still don't know his friends. That is not normal and quite rightly making you insecure. You deserve someone who is proud of you and would actually want to show you off to his friends.

FeralBeryl · 08/05/2018 09:04

Take some time for you.
Seriously - then you will meet someone new, who is so nice to you (because that's normal) you'll spend the first 6 months with them feeling suspicious that they're SO nice Grin then you'll spend the next six kicking yourself for this time now with this dickhead. Once you see what a genuine relationship can be like, and how it makes you feel, a giant cloud vanishes.
You are not crazy, but stay there and your actions will end up labelling you as such.
Give up trying to convince him or his school friends that you're worth being with and move on.
Lots of us have managed it and I know you can too Thanks

ToothTrauma · 08/05/2018 09:09

Good god woman! It’s been three years! Bin this asshat. Don’t waste anymore of your precious time on him. Bin! Bin bin bin!

erniepigy · 08/05/2018 09:11

Shred Shred Shred! Dump this bloke immediately, get your self esteem up, respect yourself and find a man who wants to be in your life and have you in his.
You're spending valuable time and energy on someone who clearly wants you in a pigeon hole while he keeps the rest of his life in others. Get out, you're worth more than that

IRefuseToAgree · 08/05/2018 09:15

Don’t waste your time trying to work out exactly what’s happened, what his intentions are, whether you’ve done anything etc, etc, NONE of it matters. All that matters is knowing that this relationship is unhealthy and that you need to leave him.

It’s better to be single than with someone like him.

Wildlingofthewest · 08/05/2018 09:19

I know you’ve said your in your mid 20s but your post sounds like neither you or your boyfriend are anywhere near mature enough for an adult relationship.

You’ve been seeing him for 3 years - the fact that you’ve not met any of his friends and that you don’t socialise as a couple with his friends speaks volumes. He doesn’t view you as part of his life, your there for him when he wants to see you/for sex but that’s it. This won’t change, he doesn’t see you in that way.

You don’t mention your own friends/family - has he met them? Do you socialise with them as a couple?

You need to break it off with him - I know that’s going to be hard and that you think your in love with him but this is not a proper, adult relationship.

Stop obsessing over damn Facebook - it’s a load of nonsense.

MiddleClassProblem · 08/05/2018 09:21

Honestly, the jacket bit you are over reacting. I mean, what’s the jacket going to do? Give him a reach around? It’s not like it’s a bra and he’s sat next to her topless.

But he’s cheated on you so even the smallest things are why you are overreacting. There’s no trust, you don’t know him, it’s over.

Chocmallows · 08/05/2018 09:24

I bet he has FB and other girlfriends. He quite likely tells his mates that he knows a few needy FWBs that he sees now and then. They probably laugh about you and his other chasers saying how sad you are that you are chasing him.
Sounds mean, but probably the truth?

You feel like you have invested so much that surely he loves you, he doesn't, he will change, he won't, you are the problem - you are not!

This is manipulation, you need to get away and stay away.

Mayday01 · 08/05/2018 09:29

It sounds exhausting OP, I bet you don't know which way is up or down, while your mind tries to make sense of it all.
He sounds manipulative and emotionally abusive. He winds you up, then minimises your concerns and makes out you're overreacting.
Check out 'gaslighting' OP.
This won't get any better, don't stay with him and don't have kids with him. You are young and the world is full of amazing experiences to be had. Dump this arsehole and get out there and live it.
Read up about red flags and warning signs in relationships to make sense of what has happened to you.

Onemansoapopera · 08/05/2018 09:41

Not read your whole thread OP but I'll tell you now. Your so called BF has no future planned for you and him whatsoever. I've been here. I was with an ex for four years living together and years later met up with his friends through a mutual friend - they'd never even heard of me!! FOUR YEARS LIVING TOGETHER - and I wasn't even on his friends radar. The only reason you're still together is because you're sticking to him like glue...he can very much take you or leave you. Please end it and move on. You're wasting your precious life on a one way relationship.

sosks · 08/05/2018 09:46

I'd leave. You may be overreacting and behaving 'psychotic', sure, but he is also driving you to it whilst blaming you for it at the same time. I'd also be questioning why his friends have never asked to meet you. He's either given them a ridiculous explanation or they don't think you're serious.

Either way, major red flags all round here and whether or not you love him is irrelevant. He's a non-committal cheat. Your mental health comes first, you need to leave and find someone that doesn't make you feel like a fuck up.