I havent met boyfriend's friends in 3 years

[AnnaStudy]

I admit ive acted a bit psychotic the past few days, very unlike me but im starting to feel frustrated :( Anyways, im a female (24), hes (25) been together 3 years. Met his family but not his friends. We havent argued for months, well nothing this big anyway, but i think ive caused it by overreacting and im scaring him away.

Anyways, i knew he was watching the football the other night with his 2 friends so i was happy. I hadnt heard off him since about 12pm but it was fine.

Anyways about 8pm i was scrolling down facebook and saw his friend was tagged in a photo. My boyfriend was in it and there was about 5 girls, my boyfriend and his 2 friends having a drink and bbq outside. I started to get upset. I phoned twice but he didnt answer. And sent a text saying how im upset this is another thing i havent been invited to. He didnt respond for hours then at 11pm, i had a text saying he doesnt understand why i said that and that im over reacting. I didnt respond then at 1am i had a friend request off a girl who was in the picture and a poke off her on facebook. Didnt respond.

The next morning he text saying we can go away for the night. After that text, i rung him and he was really awkward. He said he doesnt know what we can do and hes asked to meet his friends now. I went mad and said im coming to his house. Weve never had a screaming match like it :( i was telling him how i want to meet his friends and i dont understand why i wasnt invited to the bbq or at least why he didnt tell me about it. He said it was his friends bbq and they were all sisters and cousins of his friend. Then he said "i kinda want to spend the day with you but i kinda want to spend it with my friends" So i said "what? You text me saying to go away??" And he said "yeah but you took too long to reply so ive asked my mates but i can take you and cancel on them" So i was stubborn and saying how i feel like second choice. Then he said "maybe i can see my friends today you tonight" to which i said "so im stuck in all day whilst youre once again drinking", He then just said lets go away. And off we went. It was awkward at first but we had a lovely 2 days together.

Got back 2 hours ago, i cleaned up and logged onto facebook. First thing i see is a picture of my boyfriend wearing a girls jacket from that night. This brought back all the feelings again but i wanted to speak to him in person. Drove to his house (i know psychotic but i was just so upset and needed to talk) he came to sit in my car. He said i was being stupid and scaring him since we had a great weekend and now im bringing up old stuff and we might as well have not gone. I asked him to put himself in my shoes, and think how hed feel if he hadnt met my friends and saw a picture of me surrounded by men he didnt know and then one of them poked and added him on facebook and then he saw a picture of me in a mans jacket. He said thats different because he was just having a laugh wearing a girls jacket. I said it seems flirtatious.

(BTW he claimed the girl who added me on facevook was actually his friends on her account). He said he doesnt know what to think and he cant believe i drove to his house. I said its just weirded me out. I drove home and Hes told me not to ring him or anything and that ive tainted the holiday. I stupidly rung him to apologise and he said ive brought this on myself and i need to think about what ive done. (Little extra, on our getaway, he kept "joking" about how hed rather be with his friends) I think ive ruined things and we had such a nice 2 days :( im such a mess-up :(

He is tearing your self-esteem to tatters and walking all over it.
I have been dating someone for a few weeks and he mentioned introducing me to a couple of them in a low key event in a few weeks. That's normal.
He sounds highly controlling and toxic.

I get that. But you can do it, and you should.

You’re a young woman, studying for a job that shows you have a big heart, and you’re clearly a caring, sensitive person. You are absolutely wasted on this guy.

What a nasty piece of work he is. He’s got you right where he wants you. You have to get rid of him Anna. For your own sanity.

I think because he cheated on you that’s why the jacket is an issue.

The simple answer is you wouldn’t care about the jacket if you were in a stable relationship and he hadn’t cheated on you.

Not every relationship is forever. Especially at your age.

You should be with someone who shares all of themselves with you, doesn’t cheat and you don’t care about girls around them because you trust them and it’s a non issue.

There are plenty of platonic relationships across the genders/sexes. You need to not take that jealousy baggage with you into the next relationship.

Thank you for the support everyone, literally crying myself to sleep and i feel so pathetic haha,
I just cant believe this is happening all over again. The past few months hes been lovey dovey with me. Telling me ive been dressing beautifully lately and that he cant believe he has me, hes been asking me to come round to his house, weve booked a holiday, So it all just boggles my mind how quickly things change

Oh Anna I haven't seen your previous threads so going off this alone... HE IS A TWAT.
He want to keep you completely separate from that (big) part of his life. He has teenaged boy mentality and has put you in another category altogether.
I speak from experience. It chips away at your self esteem so much, you will constantly question:
what is wrong with you? (nothing)
are you embarrassing? (no)
does he have more fun with them (yes)
Is it the way you look (no)

One day he may grow up and realise how amazing you were, but I implore you - be long gone by this point!
Do any of your RL friends or family know the extent of his behaviour? I hid it from mine until one day I snapped. They were all horrified and instrumental at keeping me away from him until I was through the worst.

Yes they know, and they can all predict what will happen.
For example, he said last month i can visit his family in france. My friend said "like that will actually happen", yesterday he showed me a picture and i said "i cant wait to meet them" and he said "maybe"

You’re not pathetic. But read your own last thread. That wasn’t even two months ago, and two months before that, he cheated. That’s who he is. Nothing’s suddenly changed and nothing will.

Everything else, the holiday (finally agreed to that then?), telling you you look lovely, that’s just him throwing you scraps, knowing it will keep you in check.

Assuming your ages and relationship details are roughly right (I understand changing them for anonymity) I think you should LTB.

The relationship is crap and he is crap. Why would you do this to yourself. It’s better to be single than to have a relationship like this.

You are young, why waste your time with someone like him. He doesn’t seem to care about you.

If you W don’t want to leave him then I’d suggest you make sure that you don’t have a child with him. It would be very unfair on the child.

I had a friend who was seeing a guy who wouldn't let her meet his friends. Kept it up for years. She was sex and company on tap but without complications. She was a bright, funny woman ground down by a man who kept her a secret. Like an affair. She left him and found romance.

3 years is a long time, it's extremely strange you've not met his friends yet either he's hiding you for what reason who knows or he's got no friends but I assume the former is more accurate. The fact he's cheated on you numerous times proves he does not love you, he's keeping you around for his own convenience and ego as he knows you love him. this relationship sounds toxic and immature your 24 don't waste the best years of your life with this idiot any longer you deserve to find real love and happiness elsewhere.

Kids are 100% not on the table haha. I was never really that weirded out not meeting his friends but something in those pictures has triggered me and made me realise that i only really see him one to one.
Apparently because his friends are single itd be too awkward to meet me. But ive suggested me bringing a couple of my friends and we can have a few drinks but he wont have it.
He said before, when i drove to the house, that i should know him well enough to know hes just being silly by wearing the jacket and that he was cold so went in the hluse and there was only female jackets there, so i said "how am i supposed to know this side of you when you dont let me see it??"
He claims he always talks about me to everyone and thats why they were looking at my facebook.
We were having dinner yesterday and he "joked" that he showed his friends the messages and they told him to get rid of me. Then he said he was joking. Haha. Funny right? -.-

Also jokes through the holiday about how much he misses his friends, how other girlfriends would let their boyfriends drink with their friends, how im too needy, how we wont see each other for weeks now because we have the holiday to see each other.
He's clearly full of these "jokes"

Worlds wittiest boyfriend clearly -.-

Sorry about the rambles but things keep popping into my head and i need to get them out.
Hes such a hypocrite too because i went for a hot drink to mcdonalds with my female best friend last month and it was a massive cstch up because we hadnt seen each other in ages. I left my phone in the car, got to the car at 9:30pm to a load of texts asking where i was and that he was driving round my hometown and can take me home if i need. He then rung me saying how upset he was and that he felt ignored
I then said my friend asked me to go out for drinks on the friday and he said how we planned to spend friday together so i didnt go out in the end and spent the night with him.
Yet if i did what he did, id be scaring him and controlling and ruining his social life

just so hard because im completely in love with him. And after i bring anything up in the past, he doesnt speak to me for days because ive become lower in his expectations
Please reread that, it's your words and it sums it up perfectly. You're crazy in love bending left, right and centre to be good enough and if you step put of line he punishes you.

You seriously need to walk away.
Even on this "wonderful" weekend he joked about how he missed his friends, how other girlfriends would treat him better and how his friends think he should dump you. Adding that was a GOOD weekend.

I wouldn't care about my partner wearing some woman's jacket and I have no issues with him going out drinking without me but only because he made me a part of his life - met friends etc within the fist month or so, same for family. He doesn't punish me for not doing as I'm told and the relationship isn't one sided.

This is not a healthy relationship and you are only being "psycho," because he's screwing with you

You will be feeling paranoid - but sadly you're quite right to! He has put you firmly in the 'psycho girlfriend' box and they will almost certainly sit laughing about how much of a 'ball and chain' you are, or that you're so 'uptight' he can't bring you out or you'd spoil the mood.
Honestly you are depriving yourself of such a good life, be it alone or with someone who actually deserves your company.
Some space in relationships is healthy, entirely separate lives just do not work.
Your friends know so that's a good starting point. He is toxic and will have you changing into someone you don't recognise.

He can be a whole other person with his friends. You literally do not know that side of him. It’s been 3 years and you still don’t know all of him because he doesn’t want you to. How long would you let that go on for?

It not going to be easy to break up with someone you love but are you even really you right now? You’re not behaving in a way you recognise. I’m sure there are parts of that have been lost as a result of this relationship. So if you’re not you and he’s not showing you a big side to him, what is this?

I’m sorry if I sound harsh but I’m just trying to show you how little you have after 3 years. You really deserve more.

Love, this guy is a grade-A+ crazy-maker. Your story is so familiar to me - I was involved with someone very similar at your age.

Your BF constantly keeps you on the edge by reeling you in and then pulling away, never fully committing. He's not being open with you and he's compartmentalising his life. It's impossible for you to make sense of why he acts the way he does, because he says one thing and then acts another way, then insists you should believe what he says, even when what he does is different. It will literally drive you crazy trying to work out what's going on in his head. Then you will blame yourself for "acting crazy" and feel like you have to prove that you're not crazy by accepting the way he treats you.

I'm sure you do feel like you're desperately in love with him, but it's because he has created an emotional addiction in you. He has undermined your self-esteem by making you feel like you have to earn his love, so when he does compliment you and praise you, it's a huge buzz. And then when you want him to treat you with respect, he undermines you by making you out to be "needy" or clingy.

You feel like you are constantly having to earn his approval in order to feel good about yourself again, so you will keep you coming back for more, just to "prove" that you're worth his love.

Forget it. This shit will go on forever. He's an emotional cripple who doesn't know how to authentically be in a relationship. When I broke up with my "crazy-maker" it was so hard to do. I barely ate for days afterwards. But in time I gained perspective and could see that for all he had lots of admirable qualities (smart, very good-looking), he wasn't a good boyfriend at all.

Sorry, shouldn't have used the phrase "emotional cripple", that's insensitive. He's emotionally incapable, I should say.

Are his family quite conservative?

It reads to me like you're a sort of "beard" so you're someone he knows they'll approve of but he's having a relationship with someone else that his friends know, that they wouldn't approve of, for whatever reason.

Even with the supposed cheating which he claims was other women - I'm thinking he's bi/gay and in the closet. Ott shows of masculinity/heterosexuality are not unusual. Seen it before. Especially in young guys from homophobic families.

None of which I would have put up with for 6 months let alone 3 years!

WHY have you put up with this? Get rid and work on your self esteem and standards.

Oh come on, this guy is a crazy maker, and you need to get rid of him.

He is playing you OP.
Why would you want to be with someone who treats you so badly and disrespects you?

And after i bring anything up in the past, he doesnt speak to me for days because ive become lower in his expectations for starting an argument and he claims couples shouldnt argue.

He doesn't speak to you for days because he knows he did wrong and doesn't want to talk about it. So the CF turns it round on you and dares to say you have become lower in his expectations and ignores you. If he had cheated once, was genuinely sorry and had treated you with respect ever since then you could maybe get past it and I agree it shouldn't be brought up in arguments, but that's not the case. He's cheated more than once, makes you feel bad for mentioning it, doesn't show you respect, possibly lets his friends laugh at what he's doing to you, doesn't properly involve you in his life.....I could go on.

I know you feel like you love him, but loving someone doesn't make you feel as upset and anxious as you sound. I think you should listen to what everyone on here has said and not waste the best years of your life on him. I think you are better off without him and if you want to you will meet someone who actually cares about you.

I had a very similar relationship with someone I was very much in love with. We were together 5 years and my self esteem was in bits whilst we were together. I have no doubt he cheated on me throughout the first 2-3 years. It was humiliating at times. I suspected but he would talk me around everytime. He was flirtatious too and had many female friends. He was incapable of being honest and eventually something snapped inside and a part of my love for him died. I finally realised we had no future together and left. It was hard as I still loved him and sensing my change of heart, he started to pull out all the stops to keep me. All too little too late. He admitted afterwards he had treated me badly but couldn't admit to anything. He was too young to be in a serious committed relationship, but I am sad for the girl I was who allowed her heart to be trampled on. I wish I'd had the strength to leave earlier.

Your boyfriend will ruin your trust and break your heart many more times. I was left on my own on my 21st whilst he went to a party, I lost the plot similarily to you. I may have looked mad to people but they had no idea of the insecurity and hurt he had put me through. He was so good at manipulating me. He turned around and came back. He knew what he was doing was wrong but as he thought he'd get away with it, he gave it a go. Problem was he was charming and could always talk me round.

I know you won't want to leave your boyfriend. You know how much this hurts and believe it will hurt you more to finish it. You do not have a secure and happy future ahead of you whilst you stay with him. No man should treat you this way. He will continue to make you insecure and you will become dependent on the scraps he throws, believing them about proving his love but in reality he is keeping you happy for a while. The weekend away was a sweetner, my ex did the same.

Even if you did end up married, this relationship will never be a happy one. You will never trust him fully. He's cheated once and will do again. I suspect he loves female attention and uses it to booster a damaged ego. You will never be enough. After 3 years things should have progressed, but the relationship still sounds in its infancy. He still has so much growing up to do. Please don't let him use you whilst he does it. Find someone else who really loves you. Who you can trust and be dependent on. This man is not the one for you no matter how you feel

Just to add the last part should say 'depend on' not 'be dependent on'. No woman should be dependent on her man.