Am I being over sensitive or is he being a bit shitty with me?

[Allthereasonswhy]

We've been together for several years. Don't live together (mutual decision though 'the plan' is to do so in the next few years once my DC are 18/ off to uni.

However weekends like this make me think again.

He has depression, has had it for a long time but it's been exacerbated by some v stressful recent life events. He doesn't have any friends locally so I'm the only one who is there day to day.

This weekend I've had a few jobs to get done around the house. Which I would normally attempt myself - I did for many years before he came along - but he offers to help. However his version of helping is to tell me I'm doing it wrong, take over and then moan about what a bad job I've done/ how tired he is.

I'm so fed up with it. I'm not innately good at practical tasks. I'm naturally a bit clumsy, and a leftie. But I will give it a go and get stuff done. Most women I know wouldn't attempt half the stuff I do ( including his xw though he forgets that she never did anything in the garden when he's telling me I'm using the mower wrong or raking stuff badly, or not throwing things far enough onto the compost heap.

If I complain about this he says I need to learn to take constructive criticism/ don't I want his help etc. Apparently I shouldn't be so sensitive and accept when he tells me I'm useless at washing the car and that it's lucky I don't do menial work for a living because I would never get a job.

He wasn't always quite this critical, it does seem to be getting worse. I also do know I don't take criticism well. But I find myself thinking of a previous partner who; whilst he had his faults, was always so impressed that I was prepared to have a go at stuff unlike the women in his family, ie I'd mow the lawn, change a bulb, decorate, clean the car. Nothing special I know. All stuff you have to do as a single parent, but it was nice that he was impressed/ encouraging. Whereas I feel absolutely nothing I do impresses DP, he just finds fault. I'm too slow, I take too long. I don't understand when he says 'pass me that' and ask what that is. I can't lift and carry items over 25kg. But surely I can't be the only one?

So am I too sensitive? And if not how do I deal with this?

Yep you’re too sensitive. He is entirely reasonable and really ought to be lecturing you more.

I am also a compulsive liar.

He’s being an arse OP......what are his redeeming features?

I can’t imagine wanting to spend a day with someone like this let alone a lifetime.

Can you imagine what it would be like if you did live together?

He's a mansplaining bore. I'd reclaim my weekends and enjoy doing my gardening by binning him.

Yes I’d do that stuff without him there

No you aren't being sensitive! He, though, is being a twat.

He sounds like a joy sucker. I'd find this really hard to deal with, OP.

I do think how the fuck can we live together if this is what he'd be like every time?

I don't expect him to blow smoke up my arse constantly but a little bit of praise because I will try and do stuff even if I don't always do it well would be nice.

I tend to do stuff when he's not here. Its anything we do together he can't manage without saying something constructive...

Apart from this we get on really well. Similar views and opinions etc. He doesn't comment on my driving, cooking etc. It's just any form of DIY or gardening.

I would be very wary of moving in with this man. I think he will make your life miserable.

When and if we do move in, it will be into rented (I own my own home, he doesnt) so if if was a disaster I could move out easily.

Thank goodness you do not live together so your kids don't cop all this from him either. He is truly a mansplaining bore of a person and you ignore these red flags at your emotional peril. You do realise too that such behaviours are about power and control, this bloke wants absolute over you.

There is no reasoning with someone like this and you can do better than this man, I would bin him because he is truly a millstone around your neck. This is who he really is and his behaviours are likely why he has an ex wife as well (he was just the same with her i.e. abusive in being critical towards her dressed up as helping). It is telling as well that he has no friends locally and that you're the only one who bothers with him. You will be further in for more criticism and blame from him if you move in together and it will get worse.

Don’t do it! He’ll only bring you doen with him! X

"When and if we do move in, it will be into rented (I own my own home, he doesnt) so if if was a disaster I could move out easily"

The emotional fallout for you though from doing that will still be heavy. Do not do that to yourself.

What do you get out of this relationship now with this person?. I personally think he has latched onto you purely because you are nice and own your own home.

It doesn't matter how easy it would be to back out of a rented home. He's a nag and you'll become drained from being around him. Get out while you can. If you won't do that then at least point out how often he's negative

Ugh! It's very tiring having someone telling you how you should do things. My Mum does this and her 'helpful' comments just give me the rage.

What are his redeeming points?

Things were better previously. He was very encouraging and positive about some changes I was making to my life. Helped me without criticism with several projects I was doing at home. However in the last couple of years hes had cancer, had to move house, lost a close family member, lots of stressful work stuff and has now been diagnosed with depression. I suspect maybe I'm bearing the brunt of that?

He's depressed? You certainly will be if you carry on with him.

You'll be drained and miserable.

Thank heavens he doesn't live with you now. Imagine how he'd make your dcs feel? And your parenting would be another opportunity for him to be all lecturing.

Can you bin him? Find someone with a positive energy?

I wouldn’t expect any praise for doing things like mowing the lawn or doing DIY, but I certainly wouldn’t expect constant crticism either. He sounds like a bore.

Depression does not give a person an excuse or justification to treat the person they are supposed to love so very poorly. Also how much of this behaviour now is due to his depression against he being a crashing critical bore of a man. You're on the receiving end of all this from him after all and I think he wanting power and control are also behind his words.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Do not live together. Abandon that “plan”.

My partner can be like this. He has complained that I don't do anything to help with the house renovations. But when I have, it's always been wrong, or not good enough. So I gave up trying, unless he asked me specifically to do something.

What does being a leftie have to do with it? In my opinion I am more adept as I had to learn to use right-handed things.

How can you use a mower wrong? Push over grass, grass is shorter, job done. Who cares how much is raked or where it is shoved on a composer?

Have you told him flat out? You were happy to do it alone. You are happy to do it you way. He can either help and do something useful or shut up. Not put you down as you are happy with what you have achieved.

Majorca, I know I look 'awkward' when I do things. Holding scissors for example I tend to cut towards myself. I also use a sharp knife oddly. That said I've never cut myself so I must be doing it relatively ok.

Apparently I was mowing not up and down. Hence not doing it properly. The stuff wasn't going on top of the compost heap (I'm not a great thrower). I was hosing the patio wrong. Thing is he comes put with stuff like 'didn't you learn all this stuff as a kid?' And no I didn't because we just had a yard not a proper garden and also as a kid I was expected to focus on school, not how well I could sweep up.

When he was correcting me I said I was doing my best and then he told me the constructive criticism and how it wasn't difficult, I was intelligent so why couldn't I do it.

I just ignored him and carried on. But it really really is grating on me.

Sorry majoria - autocorrect error

Sorry - magoria