Am I being over sensitive or is he being a bit shitty with me?

[Allthereasonswhy]

We've been together for several years. Don't live together (mutual decision though 'the plan' is to do so in the next few years once my DC are 18/ off to uni.

However weekends like this make me think again.

He has depression, has had it for a long time but it's been exacerbated by some v stressful recent life events. He doesn't have any friends locally so I'm the only one who is there day to day.

This weekend I've had a few jobs to get done around the house. Which I would normally attempt myself - I did for many years before he came along - but he offers to help. However his version of helping is to tell me I'm doing it wrong, take over and then moan about what a bad job I've done/ how tired he is.

I'm so fed up with it. I'm not innately good at practical tasks. I'm naturally a bit clumsy, and a leftie. But I will give it a go and get stuff done. Most women I know wouldn't attempt half the stuff I do ( including his xw though he forgets that she never did anything in the garden when he's telling me I'm using the mower wrong or raking stuff badly, or not throwing things far enough onto the compost heap.

If I complain about this he says I need to learn to take constructive criticism/ don't I want his help etc. Apparently I shouldn't be so sensitive and accept when he tells me I'm useless at washing the car and that it's lucky I don't do menial work for a living because I would never get a job.

He wasn't always quite this critical, it does seem to be getting worse. I also do know I don't take criticism well. But I find myself thinking of a previous partner who; whilst he had his faults, was always so impressed that I was prepared to have a go at stuff unlike the women in his family, ie I'd mow the lawn, change a bulb, decorate, clean the car. Nothing special I know. All stuff you have to do as a single parent, but it was nice that he was impressed/ encouraging. Whereas I feel absolutely nothing I do impresses DP, he just finds fault. I'm too slow, I take too long. I don't understand when he says 'pass me that' and ask what that is. I can't lift and carry items over 25kg. But surely I can't be the only one?

So am I too sensitive? And if not how do I deal with this?

I suspect he is critical because you are doing "man" jobs, and underneath he is insecure.You can't change his insecurity however.

It could be due to his life events but more likely it's how he reacts when he feels threatened.
I think his reaction to you asking him not to do it is concerning, you are a grown up and don't need "telling" and he is certainly not a good teacher.
His comment on the job front is below the belt..designed to make you feel insecure.

If you have told him that you don't like his criticism and he is ignoring you then that is worrying.Every couple will irritate each other but if he fails to hear you and worse blames you then its a lifetime of unhappiness.

I'd go no further with someone like this. No matter what is going on in his life he has no right to talk down to you like he does. It's patronising and he sounds very superior.

I have no idea why you would want to live with this constant harping [in the garden today, it will be something else tomorrow I'll bet] and put your self esteem and mental health at risk.

What lifebeginsat50 wrote.

You ignore any and all red flags re this man at your peril. He does this too because he can and this works for him. He has you now on the backfoot and doubting your own abilities.

Do not ever move in with him under any circumstance, do not do that to yourself.

What do your kids think of him?.

And how can a patio be at all hosed wrongly??

You are doing your best on these jobs, things are getting done maybe not his way but they are getting done.

Depression I understand as I have mental health issues myself. Personally I would rather be on my own than with a man like this.

But - the answer to all his 'constructive criticism' is to say 'ok you show me how to do it then' and pass over the mower/hose/thing to chuck in a special way onto a heap that will rot down in any case, and go and make yourself a cuppa.

Do this every time.

I wasn't using the hose correctly so it wasn't cleaned. Later he showed me when it had dried off the bit he did which was cleaner than my bit. Both were cleaner than before I started of course.

My kids like him. They are boys and good at practical tasks. They get on well.

If I walked off and left him to it he would stop. As he won't do anything unless I'm there/ helping. Which is fair as it's my house. I might try it again though as me saying I'm doing my best clearly isn't working.

He sounds like a massively bellend!

The previous poster was right when they said he's made you doubt yourself. He will only get worse once you move in together. Partners are supposed to make you feel better about yourself, not worse.

I don't think I'd bother giving him another chance, but it sounds like you want to. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you neither want nor need his 'constructive criticism' and if he continues to do it then you'll have to decide if you want to live like that, knowing that it'll make you doubt yourself even more and that even though he knows it upsets you him being right is more important to him.

He is a crap role model to your boys; they need a better male role model than this man in their home. Would you want your boys as men to treat their spouse or partner like you are, no you would not. So why are you doing your bit here to also show them that this treatment of you is acceptable to you on some level?. We learn about relationships first and foremost from a parent.

And no to giving him any more chances. It makes me wonder how many times you've already given him those already.

Why is your bar so low here, just what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your father for instance treat your mother similarly?

None of this was In front of my sons. The critical comments seem to come when it's just the two of us.

I don't think he gets it. But actually it doesn't matter if it's constructive criticism if I don't like it I shouldn't have to put up with it? He's my partner not my employer. I don't need to be good at jobs around the house. I'm not asking him to do them for me.

"I need to learn to take constructive criticism/ don't I want his help etc. Apparently I shouldn't be so sensitive and accept when he tells me I'm useless "

This boils my blood. When people say this they justify themselves 'it is not my transmission that's the problem, it is your reception.' So you are doubly wrong, not hosing the patio correctly and not taking on his criticisms.
This is pure and simple nagging which is about control. I couldn't live my life with the male version of Hyacinth Bouquet.

People who criticise others incessantly are usually those who want to communicate internal issues but don't know how to vocalise what it is that is making them unhappy. That's not much use to the OP, but unless her partner has a moment of clarity there is not much hope for the wellbeing of their relationship.

No my dad wouldn't ever have criticised my mum in this way. They argued a lot, they were both very quick tempered, but my dad did certain jobs at home, my mum others (my mum would wash and sweep the yard, my dad did the car, they took turns to cook, and so on).

I don't think my bar is particularly low. I was single for 6 years before we met because I'd not met anyone worthwhile. If I didn't have a car or a garden and lived in a rented flat (so no DIY to do) I probably would not have seen this side of him.

I couldn't take that level of mental abuse. Please re think your plans for moving in with him. What is he actually going to add to your life?

I would have told him to fuck off with his criticism and not to come back until he has something nice to say.

Having depression doesn't mean that he has a licence for being a W⚓

I would get rid and definately don’t live with him... he will be 100 times worse and you will find yourself suffering from depression. People like him only serve to drag you down with them. Find someone nicer and more up beat or just enjoy your own company( or get a dog )

I don't think he should be "impressed" by a woman mowing the lawn or chasing a light bulb. It's a pretty normal thing. If your ex was then clearly he comes form a pretty misogynistic household.

My 1st FIL was like this, we called him Peter Perfect, he reminded me of the Harry enfield character’ you don’t want to do it like that’ ignore him, say you are quite happy doing it your way. Don’t politely go along with it or they get worse!!

he just finds fault

Not good.

not doing it properly.

The nagging is tedious, but the real problem for me with the way he is behaving, is his assumption is that he is the judge and arbiter of all that is correct. This is not the sign if a relationship between equals, who knows what he may choose to decide.

My first serious relationship was similar, so I know that i am massively projecting from my own experience. He was lovely at first, but stared to complain. i so wish i had not kept making excuses for him, (mother died, finals etc) and just realised that it all came from his desire to control. He was lively at first until he was sure of me then....his insecurities started to appear, his response was to belittle m in oder to make himself better

As for letting him take over, as suggested @elisenbrunnen , words fail me.

Do you own your own house? If so do not sell it and move into rented thats crazy imo
Stay right where you are
Your way of doing things is fine after all you managed for 6 years before he came along
I’d dump him tho - no one should make you feel like this
He’d be micro managing you all day every day if you live together.

Every little thing will be wrong

Get rid, he won’t change! My ex was like this! I get what you’re saying about being a leftie, I am too and I’m hopeless at DIY. He would criticise everything I did, I’m very house proud (verging on OCD) but he would still make comments such as ‘you’ve missed a bit in the corner under the stairs) and would tell me he would ‘clean properly when he had a chance’. Of course this never happened. He would also take great delight in humiliating me in front of friends and family ‘Wee put that coffee table together, that’s why it looks so shit’ etc. It didn’t matter how many times I spoke to him about this, it didn’t stop. I got rid of him, I’ve assembled all the furniture in my new house and I’m managing just fine with cutting the grass!

Whenever he's at yours and starts his picking fault shit tell him 'Ive got stuff to do today, you head off home and we'll catch up later when I'm not so busy'. Every time.

My partner can be a bit like this, bullish and convinced his way of doing things is the right way.

I just tell him to shut the fuck up, or ignore him. I see it as a foible tbh, we all have them. He’s certainly not abusive with it.

I completely agree that the criticism comes from his insecurity at you doing 'man jobs', as if he feels like less of a man because a woman is capable of doing the things only he 'should' be able to do. My ex was like this. For example, when we moved house and I tried to lift and carry my own stuff, he'd get very ratty, saying: "No, I'LL do that, you go and make coffees" "You're getting on my nerves" or even if we were travelling anywhere and I wanted to carry my own bag: "I don't want to be sexist or nasty but I am stronger than you." And the criticising, disguised as being caring or helpful. The endless criticism... "I don't think you should do it like THAT, darling!" It just drives you up the wall. It does affect your confidence terribly over the long term too. I'm sorry, even if he is a basically good guy, IME the behaviour only gets worse and is damaging. It's best if you do end the relationship completely. If you don't want to, you at the very least need a cast iron guarantee his criticism will stop but I'm not sure if that's possible.