Am I being over sensitive or is he being a bit shitty with me?

[Allthereasonswhy]

We've been together for several years. Don't live together (mutual decision though 'the plan' is to do so in the next few years once my DC are 18/ off to uni.

However weekends like this make me think again.

He has depression, has had it for a long time but it's been exacerbated by some v stressful recent life events. He doesn't have any friends locally so I'm the only one who is there day to day.

This weekend I've had a few jobs to get done around the house. Which I would normally attempt myself - I did for many years before he came along - but he offers to help. However his version of helping is to tell me I'm doing it wrong, take over and then moan about what a bad job I've done/ how tired he is.

I'm so fed up with it. I'm not innately good at practical tasks. I'm naturally a bit clumsy, and a leftie. But I will give it a go and get stuff done. Most women I know wouldn't attempt half the stuff I do ( including his xw though he forgets that she never did anything in the garden when he's telling me I'm using the mower wrong or raking stuff badly, or not throwing things far enough onto the compost heap.

If I complain about this he says I need to learn to take constructive criticism/ don't I want his help etc. Apparently I shouldn't be so sensitive and accept when he tells me I'm useless at washing the car and that it's lucky I don't do menial work for a living because I would never get a job.

He wasn't always quite this critical, it does seem to be getting worse. I also do know I don't take criticism well. But I find myself thinking of a previous partner who; whilst he had his faults, was always so impressed that I was prepared to have a go at stuff unlike the women in his family, ie I'd mow the lawn, change a bulb, decorate, clean the car. Nothing special I know. All stuff you have to do as a single parent, but it was nice that he was impressed/ encouraging. Whereas I feel absolutely nothing I do impresses DP, he just finds fault. I'm too slow, I take too long. I don't understand when he says 'pass me that' and ask what that is. I can't lift and carry items over 25kg. But surely I can't be the only one?

So am I too sensitive? And if not how do I deal with this?

You seem to be brushing away all comments criticising your DP, OP. He’s rude and derogatory towards you. His way of doing things and his insistence that you’re doing it wrong smacks of abusive control.

He’s manipulating you by telling you that everything you do is being done badly. Why is he doing this? And why do you tolerate it? I mean, if my dh says I’m doing something wrong, he gets told to sod off or I dump it and make him do it.

I refuse to be continually put down, but your DP is doing this to you constantly. Why do you allow it?

Staying with this man would not be an intelligent thing to do OP.

Get rid op. He is an insecure and unpleasant man - you can do better.

And how dare he criticise you in your own home!

I don't think he should be "impressed" by a woman mowing the lawn or chasing a light bulb. It's a pretty normal thing. If your ex was then clearly he comes form a pretty misogynistic household

I don’t think it’s about being impressed. It’s about criticising the Op and insisting that she do things his way.

I know quite a lot about gardening, and I’m guessing that the OPs partner doesn’t.

However, if i was a guest at the OPs house and saw her cutting the lawn “ incorrectly “, i wouldn’t tell her she was doing it wrong. Because that would be rude , and she hadn’t asked for my opinion.

And I wouldn’t praise her for being a woman cutting the grass . I would compliment her, saying “ your garden is looking lovely “ or “ cutting the lawn always makes such a difference , doesn’t it ? “ .

He’s not constructively criticising, he’s just being rude.

Living with him isn't an immediate plan. It's years off. And might not even happen.

In terms of thinking of myself first, I meant with reference to our relationship. It's always said I think that in a committed happy relationship you think of the other person first. I probably don't do that. I wouldn't give him the crisper roast potato, or the eclair with more chocolate. If I was planning a day out I'd choose something I like rather than thinking what would he want to do.

I am quite annoyed with how he's behaved. I wish I could pinpoint when it started. I don't understand what he expects to achieve really. He's not making me better at any of it. one of the jobs I was doing at the weekend he took the implement I was using, telling me I wasn't doing it right, showed me what to do. I basically did what he showed me (which was pretty much what I had been doing) and he's like no that's not right that isn't how I showed you- to me our versions were similar.

Next time I'll be less polite in my response.

Why have you not told him to fuck right off yet?

You realise that the intolerable behaviour he shows in your house will escalate when you share a home.

Ok op, you sound determined to stay with him and his shitty behaviour. So sad. Good luck op

Thank your lucky stars he has shown his true colours before moving in. He will make u miserable and drag u down. Doesn't matter if u r clumsy -any decent person (him not u) would have simply made a joke of it. People who put others down usu have self esteem issues and that prob won't improve. Knowing someone with depression in hard enough let alone living with it. Bit different if u were living together long time then u support them. He is being psychologically abusive thou from what u r saying and destroying yr confidence.

I am quite annoyed with how he's behaved. I wish I could pinpoint when it started. I don't understand what he expects to achieve really. He's not making me better at any of it

What he’s doing is putting you in your place . You may think that you are successful with your good job , lovely house and great kids. But in fact you are a failure because you don’t know how to use a cordless drill or mow stripes on the lawn.

That’s why he makes you stand and watch him do tasks. He doesn’t want them done correctly He wants to show you that he’s right and you are wrong, to humiliate you.

He’d drive me insane! I’m gobby though, so I’d tell him to shove it up his arse, seriously, that criticising has a drip drip effect, I’d bin him

Had he done this in the first couple of years I would have reacted more swiftly. The fact he didn't, and previously was supportive, I felt he had my back etc, to me means that whilst I don't like this more recent behaviour, having ascertained that I'm probably not being over sensitive about it, I would like to respond differently and see what happens. If it continues irrespective then I may well have to rethink us.

I wouldn't give him the crisper roast potato, or the eclair with more chocolate. If I was planning a day out I'd choose something I like rather than thinking what would he want to do. - why are you feeling guilty over this? Why should The Man have the chocolatier eclair? Why shouldn't you do what you want, on a day out?

Why should you feel guilty that you are putting yourself first? Does HE put you first? Does that chocolate eclair get passed back and forth - 'you have it' 'No, you have it'? I bet not!

You sound like you've got your eyes open, OP. He should't put you down, - but he does. WHat are you going to do about it?

I think I'd have The Conversation, that if it continues you will be rethinking your relationship. And mean it. Don't be side-tracked by 'depression' or what ever - even people with 'depression' can see when they are being an arse. And he is being an Arse. Pull him on it, and if he gets better, ok. If not, get shot.

Let me give you a shake {§§§😕§§§}

Take the worst of his behaviour and imagine living with that 24/7. People get worse when they live with you permanently as they have more ‘right to a say’ and they get worse as they get older. These snippets are how your whole life will be in 10 years if you stay with him.

You might be intellectually well matched and have lots in common etc, but it doesn’t mean he’s the right man for you. He supports you when he feels you’re worthy, he picks at you and puts you down when you don’t do as he thinks you should...he’s got a superiority complex that would drive a saint mad.

Break up with him, get your confidence back and you’ll find a man who compliments you, not one who drags you down.

Odette has nailed it, he is putting you in your place. You are much more successful than him in life so he is chipping away at your practical skills. It’s quite pathetic really.

Just because you are doing it differently, doesn’t mean you are doing it wrong.

Well if he's so keen on 'constructive criticism', tell him he's doing this relationship wrong and if he carries on like this he'll break it!

The nice-nice in the beginning was a false facade to condition you to gloss over the little annoyances. Then as time goes on he can push the boundary of what you will put up with. Imho, he expects that the more you have invested in the relationship, the more you will put up with. Sunk costs fallacy.

Any complaint from you is dismissed, degraded, diminished, as you being too sensitive (as if that is a bad thing)...a defense for his rudeness exposed. He is being insensitive. Rude. Ego driven.

Correcting over and over again is not about you. It is about his errant auto-pilot habits to use you for ego supply, power, superiority. Is he a teacher?

Why can’t he just let you be ? Because the real you is invisible and the cardboard cut out you is what he uses. Let him use someone else.

I am rooting for you to do the best for yourself here OP because I have been in a similar situation myself. As I see it there are basically 2 options:-

1. Tell him to fuck right off with his never ending critique of your abilities. Short and sweet 'SHUT THE FUCK UP'

or

2. Sit him down, discuss it with him as you have done here and tell him it's got to stop because he is obviously making you miserable.

Option 3 is to do both!