Am I being over sensitive or is he being a bit shitty with me?

[Allthereasonswhy]

We've been together for several years. Don't live together (mutual decision though 'the plan' is to do so in the next few years once my DC are 18/ off to uni.

However weekends like this make me think again.

He has depression, has had it for a long time but it's been exacerbated by some v stressful recent life events. He doesn't have any friends locally so I'm the only one who is there day to day.

This weekend I've had a few jobs to get done around the house. Which I would normally attempt myself - I did for many years before he came along - but he offers to help. However his version of helping is to tell me I'm doing it wrong, take over and then moan about what a bad job I've done/ how tired he is.

I'm so fed up with it. I'm not innately good at practical tasks. I'm naturally a bit clumsy, and a leftie. But I will give it a go and get stuff done. Most women I know wouldn't attempt half the stuff I do ( including his xw though he forgets that she never did anything in the garden when he's telling me I'm using the mower wrong or raking stuff badly, or not throwing things far enough onto the compost heap.

If I complain about this he says I need to learn to take constructive criticism/ don't I want his help etc. Apparently I shouldn't be so sensitive and accept when he tells me I'm useless at washing the car and that it's lucky I don't do menial work for a living because I would never get a job.

He wasn't always quite this critical, it does seem to be getting worse. I also do know I don't take criticism well. But I find myself thinking of a previous partner who; whilst he had his faults, was always so impressed that I was prepared to have a go at stuff unlike the women in his family, ie I'd mow the lawn, change a bulb, decorate, clean the car. Nothing special I know. All stuff you have to do as a single parent, but it was nice that he was impressed/ encouraging. Whereas I feel absolutely nothing I do impresses DP, he just finds fault. I'm too slow, I take too long. I don't understand when he says 'pass me that' and ask what that is. I can't lift and carry items over 25kg. But surely I can't be the only one?

So am I too sensitive? And if not how do I deal with this?

Thing is though it's not that he doesn't want me doing the jobs. He just always seems to think I can and should do better. Like if I say I'm struggling to lift something and say i cant do it, he tells me there's no such word as can't.

He seems to always expect more of me.

When I say that an ex was impressed that was because he was used to women who couldn't manage without a man. Whereas I can - I've had to really

Just say "Oh leave me alone. I'll do it my way thanks."

I think you need to shut this rubbish down with a couple of barks.

If he strops off, let him.

He sounds like a royal pain in the arse.

Oh ffs. Life's far too short to put up with his behaviour. You managed fine before him and would no doubt manage fine after him. Unless his comments chip away at your self esteem. He wants you to need him, and you don't.

Nobody made him the authority on how things should be done. Who is he to say your way is worse than his? It really isn't something you should have to tolerate, you're more than capable of doing these jobs without his input. You're not being unreasonable to not want to put up with it.

In my job, I teach people practical skills. I also observe and document if they've reached the required standard so that they can progress professionally. His style of "feedback" is incredibly unhelpful and destructive of confidence and good relationships. If I behaved like this, belittling, over critical, entirely lacking in empathy, there would, rightly, be formal complaints.

I would never treat a learner like this, and never a partner.

This would do my head in! I'm in a similar situation in that I've always been pretty independent and able to do the DIY type stuff, car stuff, etc... so I'm used to just doing it. My DP is "impressed" that I do this stuff - but not in a patronising way - he's just been used to his ex expecting him to do it all and never lifting a finger! I just crack on with stuff and my dad was a real DIY expert - he used to show us stuff - so I picked up a lot growing up. I consider myself pretty capable on things like DIY, gardening, cars and stuff that men typically like to claim as "theirs"!! I'm no expert but I can hold my own and get things done.

Since meeting my DP - he has offered to help with stuff but if I said no he wouldn't force it and he certainly wouldn't criticise. I do sometimes ask him to help - he does have better DIY tools than me - and if he does help it genuinely is just to give me a break from doing everything myself - which I admit is quite refreshing/nice sometimes. It's a mutual respect thing. I'll ask his advice sometimes but if I didn't ask, he wouldn't dare even comment let alone criticise. If he criticised like your partner is doing, he'd be told sharpish to knock it off!

Perhaps remind him that you've managed perfectly well to do all these things for years by yourself and as it's YOUR HOUSE then YOU will decide if it's good enough - not him! If he wants to help, then that's very nice but remind him that's what it is - HE is helping YOU - you don't become his employee/slave and the job being done doesn't become HIS to dictate on. If he cannot respect that, then perhaps decline his offers of help and do the jobs yourself when you can get peace to do them as you see fit.

Yes, he is here a lot though!

My sons dad was always very jealous of my job and intelligence and used to put me down because it made him insecure. DP is a lot more intelligent (I'd say we are comparable) but I am a couple of years older and significantly better off financially. I own my house out right and have money in isas for uni funds etc whereas he has greater earning potential in the longer term but is only working sporadically right now because of his depression so financially isn't in a great place.

Basically, you are saying you don’t like when he criticizes and he is replying that he doesn’t care. That would upset me. It’s a complete disregard for your feelings and seeing them as unimportant as they are unimportant to him.

I can be picky about how my H does some things - but this is my problem, so I just don’t watch!

The more I think abput it the more it's annoying me. Most men I know either are completely useless and can't or won't do anything round the house or are pretty good and happy to do help do stuff or even do it on their own. Whereas with my partner he eill never do anything unless I'm there. So if he cooks I have to be there helping. If he says he'll do a job in my house I have to run up and down stairs 10 times looking for items that he needs. And the stand by him and help him while he's doing it. I can never get on and do something else. I am finding it increasingly irritating.

And I should add if I'm just standing there 'helping' he'll criticise. So for ex if he's using a new drill I've bought, nd I say can I do it, he'll tell me I'm doing it wrong. But if I don't offer to have a go (and am just sweeping up the dust or whatever) he'll comment it was a waste buying the drill as I'm not using it.

In his family his mum does cooking housework, and laundry, his dad does everything else (she never helps) So I have no idea where he gets this behaviour from.

So you are perfectly capable of getting stuff done, are intelligent, financially sorted and own your own property.
He, on the other hand, sounds completely the opposite but also insanely jealous of you and your accomplishments.

I bet he is at your house a lot, does he contribute to all the inevitable expenses his being there costs?

From the outside he looks like a jealous , mansplaining wanker who is very keen to put you down at every opportunity, why are you putting up with this? And why should you accept his 'constructive criticism'? Who the fuck died and made him god??
Tell you what, tell him his dick is smaller than any previous partners but it's only constructive criticism and he should accept it, see how he likes being made to doubt himself, or alternatively just dump him. This is not how decent partners treat ones they are supposed to 'love'.

As for letting him take over, as suggested @elisenbrunnen , words fail me. - you misunderstand me, finally. If any one started to criticise me on a job I'm doing, in my own house, for my own house, the response they'd get is 'do it yourself then'. This applies to any cooking i do, any cleaning, any driving, any DIY, - anything that they think they can criticise, let them do it.

If he won't do it, then just ignore him, or do it when he's not there. OR, my personal favourite, tell him to fuck off.

So yesterday he came out with a 'you should have done xyz' after I'd completed a task to which I said that I had done it the way I'd done it for a reason and I was happy with the result. End of conversation

He is at my house a lot because his place is small and not very nice. He does put some money towards food every so often. He does earn a fair bit less than me though.

But can you stand it, OP?

How can you stand the criticism? So what if his place is small and not very nice - doesn't give him the right to complain about your place. And is no reason for you to put up with it - it's his problem what his place is like, not yours.

Seriously, I'd be having a real think about what he brings to your life. Happiness? Contentment? Or is he really just complaining because that's what he's like?

Two questions for you OP:

1. Has he always been like this?
2. If not, has he been put on medication for the depression?

If this is a recent change in behaviour, it could be mood changes caused by antidepressants. They can make people very irritable!

He could, however, just be a mansplainer.

It seems to me like you're infinitely more accomplished than him and his insecurity is seeking to be better than you at some things and perhaps convincing you that you need him?

My stbxh is better at diy but as he's hardly ever taken the initiative to do anything I just get on with it and if he dared criticise I tell him to do it himself. Having said that, no way would I accept someone criticising and lecturing me about my own house!

He sounds like a dickhead. I couldn't be doing with that. You sound normal op. And in fact very like me. My dp knows I have limitations on practical tasks and helps me or lets me get in with it in my own way. He knows better than to start criticising how I do stuff, he's just glad it gets done!

He feels inferior, hence the constant put downs.

The belittling has a purpose. Sod that.

He's not always been like it, I'm not sure exactly when it changed. I feel we are less of a partnership than I used to.

He's not on medication (he already takes quite a lot of meds for long term health issues) but is having talking therapy.

I am accomplished. I'm also a bit arrogant at times. I know I'm no saint! I also possibly think of myself (and my sons) first which is perhaps selfish but we were a little unit for a long time.

Of course you put yourself and your kids first, so you should!! No way on earth this wanker should ever be a priority, seriously, why the fuck are you letting yourself be treated like this? I read threads like this with intelligent, accomplished women letting twattish, jealous, spiteful men tear them down and cannot get my head around choosing to be with someone who adds nothing but aggravation. Thank christ I'm single

My tiresome DH is like this. Always there to offer a helpful critique. Last week he was moaning about how someone had parked their car poorly. It was a sports car. I turned to him and said 'yes, and I suppose your imaginary Porsche is parked perfectly'

I don't listen to my DH any longer, nor do I ask for help. I get on with things how I wish. If I can't do the job then I delegate it to him and clear off. This works only so well because I also find him irritating and condescending - and that's a hard road in a marriage. Be careful about committing more of yourself to someone who although you love him, may not be compatible with you if you were to live together. I'd very much prefer to be married but live apart. He's that terrible to share a home with.

If I complain about this he says I need to learn to take constructive criticism
Next time he says this (if you give him a next time) I would say yes I can take it but YOUR criticism is not constructive it's DESTRUCTIVE! Telling you you can't get a good job and putting down the way you do everything, fgs I don't see how that is his depression, he's just being a nasty so and so. You are not being too sensitive at all!

For the record constructive criticism is telling/suggesting to someone (nicely) that they may not be doing something the right way and xyz is how they could perhaps do it better. Belittling someone does not build their confidence it just tends to make them worse and they'll probably do whatever it is even more 'wrong'.

If you want his help/input/advice, you'll ask for it. Tell him that.

And leave him to his tasks. Don't assist.

Tell him either he does it or you do it your way.

He sounds like a real catch. Don't think I would entertain the idea of living with him. Why do that to yourself?