Online dating fear!!!

[Shoegal0305]

So I've been single 12 years!!!! Father of don left me for another woman and I've been left alone with no support to bring up my son, who is now nearly 16 and if I say so myself I think I've done a bloody good job bringing him up (pat on the back for all of us going it alone lol!!).

I've had a few disastrous liaisons since, and I mean disastrous haha! Total idiots. Nothing serious but they've further reinforced my belief I'm better on my own!

One drunken night after a few sherbets I decided to join up to POF. It's free don't judge me !! I'm happy on my own believe me but sometimes I get a bit lonely (not often mind!!). So to cut a long story short, got chatting to a guy who seems nice, lives in the same town etc. Spoke to a few girlfriends who know of him and they've reiterated what a lovely man he is. My fear is, despite my outward confidence, and the fact I do a very challenging job (emergency services) and put me in uniform I can take anyone on (😂😞) I feel completely out of my depth when it comes to meeting someone. I'm overweight, suppose I'm quite pretty if I spend a bit of time on myself but certainly no oil painting! Don't really dress well, if I'm not in uniform I love either my PJs or trackies!!!

This man has suggested we meet up! Now I met a guy a few year back on Facebook, used to go to school with him. We met up and omg it was awful! I wasn't attracted to him in the slightest! I actually felt a bit sick when he tried to kiss me at the end of the night. So if this POF guy doesn't turn on his heels and run at the sight of me, what if I don't like him? I KNOW the answer is just to casually meet but I really feel I don't really feel I have the confidence to be judged! Plus because I've been on my own so long I've kinda got myself into a (comfortable!!) rut!!!

This is lighthearted but please, any advice gladly received!!!!!!

Why not suggest a fun activity for the 1st date,- like 10 pin bowling, or join in a pub quiz, or something where you are not breaking the ice in silence, as there is something to do physically instead?

Just meet for a coffee. Then if it’s awkward it can just be half an hour.

I bet you're beautiful, relax. You're brave for doing OLD, I wouldn't have the nerve.

I get what you mean about just wanting some interaction again.

Hope date goes well :)

Feel the fear and do it anyway. If it helps I have been on a few dates with people from POF no disasters I’m lucky to say.... I met my current boyfriend on POF and he is wonderful. Go for it, and what do you lose if it doesn’t work... nothing :) x

Op if you're in emergency services then it's a sure thing that you have inner strength and compassion, which will be far more important to the right sort of man than your familiarity with eyebrow pencils and frilly dresses!

Confidence is definitely sexy. Don't try to dress up like a WAG, obviously don't turn up in trackies 😂 but something you feel confident in - jeans and a nice t-shirt and shoes you can walk in.

I'd agree with making it a coffee date initially, less pressure and you can easily cut short if it's not going well by saying you have to get back to work.

Good luck! Give OK Cupid a try as well, I prefer it to pof as you can weed out people with a different moral compass to you.

Thank you all so much for the replies. All make sense! I just don't l ow how to get over the initial fear of walking into a coffee shop/wine bar or wherever and either him thinking WTF when he sees me or likewise me him!!!

fake it till you make it!
The fear will disappear very quickly
Good luck 😉

Lol it's the faking it but I will struggle with

Faking it BIT

Definitely agree with meeting for a coffee - if you get on you can stay a bit longer. If there's no spark you can make your excuses and leave.

Good luck xxx

Oh and I recommend that you join the dating thread for tips and moral support:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3238983-Lets-have-a-bit-of-Summer-Lovin-Dating-Thread-133

Just be yourself and dont try and win him over if ur not sure about him

It is terrifying! So do it sooner rather than later, so you don't build it up any more than you need to.

You will feel sick walking in to the cafe... But you will feel so good that you did it afterwards, whatever happens. Remember that if there's no spark, that's not a judgement on you. Either of you might think "meh" but that's life. Another experience under your belt.... And onwards.

Just go with the idea that you're meeting a new friend. If anything further progresses then it's an added bonus! I feel your pain though, I had a few tinder dates and while all the men were nice people I HATED it!

You would not have signed up for OLD if you did not fear the prospect of being single for all eternity more than you fear meeting people. So, as you walk towards your coffee date, or whatever it is you are going to do, you need to have that uppermost in your mind. As scary as it is to meet new people, it is better than being on your own for ever and ever...

If a few of your friends already know of him, why not invite him to a drink at the pub or coffee in a cafe with them...and after the ice is broken and you are sure after meeting him you still want the date to go ahead, you both can say goodbye to your friends and head out on a date to the cinema or restaurant or wherever you are planning to go

1st date would just be a coffee wouldn't it? Less pressurised. Just meet for an hour.

You would not have signed up for OLD if you did not fear the prospect of being single for all eternity more than you fear meeting peopl

some of us sign up for OLD cos we fancy a shag.

So I've bitten the bullet and arranged to meet him tomorrow!!!! Not sure where yet? So now begins the self loathing and feeling like he will be repulsed when he sees me! (I mean this in a lighthearted way) Help!!!! 😂

Why haven't you shared any photos with me - recent and one sharing your shape? Why put either of yourselves in awkward situation?? Physical chemistry is important.

with him

I only have head shots. I don't like having my picture taken. I do look ok like I say when I make the effort I'm passable haha! I just am on the larger side........ size 16-18!

Have you told him your size at least? I used to be as big as you and was always upfront about it. It takes seconds to take a quick shot in front of the mirror. You aren't being fair to him or you by not being upfront.

But physical chemistry is so much more than what you can see in a photo. I'd not have looked twice at a photo of my bf, but in the flesh there is definite chemistry.

Don't worry. It's natural to be nervous, but don't give headspace to thoughts that will exacerbate that - when I find myself thinking negative thoughts, I stop and give myself a little talking to and change topic as much as I can!

Some people are typically more interested in physical appearance. He should have some idea of what you look like.