Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Just found out he has a child after all

91 replies

Jasmineandsunshine · 30/04/2018 18:07

I need help. I've been seeing this guy for the last 10 months, I love who he is as a person, the dynamic between us and how our relationship feels. We both want a future together and talk in a not-planning-it-yet-but-knowing-we-want-it kind of way about living together, marriage etc.

Now comes the issue, I have 3 children which I introduced him to about 3 months ago, he has always, before he met them and since, been very understanding of them. I was surprised considering he didn't have any children of his own. Except he does. He didn't tell me at first and then it became hard to. About 4 months ago, before I had any plans to introduce him to mine, he told me that there was something big he hadn't told me about his life but it wasn't bad so I don't have to worry about it. On other occasions he tried to but because I reacted by saying that if I found out he lied about something like that that I would break up with him for the lying he chickened out.

I'm still in shock probably, I only found out yesterday. I'm angry that the future we were planning together is going to look different to how I've been thinking. I'm hurt that he's been hiding such a big part of his life. And I'm upset for I don't even know why. I'm just upset. I know that there are people who would be happy to have another child in their life and I'm so frustrated with myself that I can't seem to see it that way. I don't know if I want more kids or not, if money wasn't an issue, then probably, but then I feel like it's more the baby I'm thinking about and when you consider everything involved with actually raising a child I think maybe not, 3 is enough to be getting on with. I feel like I've been given this situation instead of our own child and from how I know him I know he must be an amazing dad which makes me sad that I most likely won't get to hear our child calling him daddy.

As I said, he's known for a long time that he's got to tell me but he hadn't planned on it being yesterday. My reaction surprised him. He knew that I'd be angry about it, maybe enough to break up but as I'm such an amazing mum (his words) and good with kids he thought I'd be good about any child (he's very welcoming with children and took in one of his friends for months without an issue, seeing her like she's his) and he absolutely didn't think I'd feel so negatively.

He's not putting any pressure on me or trying to influence me in anyway btw and I'm confident that he'd be a good partner in this situation, treating all the kids fairly, seeing mine like his own, no disney dad or letting his daughter's mum mess us around etc.

So why do I still feel so crap about it. I'm not feeling like myself and I just keep crying. What kind of bitch feels like that!?

I need some people to talk some sense into me. Why can't I just be happy at this and look at it as an opportunity to have more love and joy in our lives.

OP posts:

bonnyshide · 30/04/2018 18:11

He's lied and isn't the person you thought he was, that's pretty huge.

How often does he see his DD, is he even involved in her life at all,how did he hide her from you?

Masterbuilders · 30/04/2018 18:15

I think maybe you have come across quite hard and he’s been too scared to tell you in case you finish it and it’s snowballed. Just from reading this. Not excusing his lying.

Reading your op I think you’ve got quite high expectations. You red children and seem to want a person with zero. Someone whose able to take on your children as step dad and then have more biologically with you.

I think realistically with three children already, I think you’ll find it hard to find someone foot loose and fancy free whose not had children before. It’s also a bit double standards.

I think for his child’s sake, you should walk away. You resent her already.

swingofthings · 30/04/2018 18:21

Why did he keep it from you? Does he not have contact with the child? Is he ashamed if this is indeed the case?

Your feelings are most likely a mixture of the fact that he has kept something like this from you and the realisation that there is someone else important in his life who will always be so somehow and that you won't have him just for yourself and your kids.

MissP103 · 30/04/2018 18:23

Its a bit rich of you to feel like this considering you have 3 of your own.
Seems like he was scared of you thats why he kept it a secret from the beginning. The fact that he had to forewarn you 4 months ago and build up the courage says alot.

Idontdowindows · 30/04/2018 18:25

Never mind who has how many children.

He lied to you. And not a tiny white lie, but a child-sized whopper of a lie.

I couldn't be dealing with that.

saiya06 · 30/04/2018 18:27

If someone tells you they have a secret to tell you, for god's sake, be quiet and let them tell you! Don't start ranting and raving about breaking up. You're asking people to lie to you.

LunaTrap · 30/04/2018 18:27

I would have no respect for a man who hid the existence of his own child. But you seem more upset about his child's existence than the fact that he lied to you. I don't get it.

SD1978 · 30/04/2018 18:27

How often does he see her? He’s continually lied, and lied about where he is or what he’s doing if he has regular contact. I would be extremely pissed off as well. Is his child significantly younger than yours? I would give him a chance to explain- he may have reasons that seemed to make sense at the time, but then the situation snowballed.

GladysKnight · 30/04/2018 18:39

I think you're upset because he is something other than what you thought, and your imagined future has been snatched away and replaced with another one - not necessarily worse, but not the one you have created, and was 'yours'.

So its the 'pulling the rug from under you' - but also, how or why could he hide his child, why would he not have told you really early on? That must surely be unsettling for you: I bet the person you thought you knew (and loved?) would have been very unlikely to do that.

I think you need to give yourself quite a bit of time over this. I hope he isn't pressing you to say 'its fine'. I doubt its about the kid, its about him denying you the chance to open your heart to her alongside opening your heart to him.

Tbh if i was in your shoes i think I 'd be furious.

NotTheFordType · 30/04/2018 18:44

Did he actually say to you in person "I don't have any children" or did he just set up his OLD profile as "no kids" (as do many women for very sensible reasons)?

Angrybird345 · 30/04/2018 18:48

I’m sorry but he’d be out of the door. Almost a year and he’s not said he has a kid! What a liar. If he can do that, what else will he do. Bye bYe ex.

Lweji · 30/04/2018 18:52

In couldn't get past it. It is big. Why wouldn't he be open about it from the start?

Would he be happy if you had lied about something this important?

Whocansay · 30/04/2018 19:17

His child is only 2, He's been seeing you for nearly a year. I'd want to know why he's not with the child's mother to be honest. There is a whole backstory here. Once you know about it, I suspect you'll find out why he needed to lie. He's probably behaved badly.

The perfect time to tell you about his child was when you told him about yours. There is no good reason for his deceit.

All you really know at this stage is that he's a liar.

Original poster

Jasmineandsunshine · 30/04/2018 19:18

To answer some questions,

I absolutely do not resent his daughter but I'm firstly not sure if I want more children in my life and secondly, think 4 is going to be enough to manage so can't see us having more that's all. The first one is actually a pretty big point. He's asked me if I want more kids in the future, at times I've said yes, at times I've said no and sometimes I've said maybe I would, it's obviously not something we're considering any time soon so I didn't see the need to think about it seriously.

It's also not upset about not having him to ourselves (mine and my children) because I'm very happy with mine and my kids lives just the way we are. I'm so much happier, more confident and able to be myself than I would have believed possible when I was with my ex, I love our little family, I'm definately not looking for someone to play daddy in that way.

My ex had form for constant lying so when he said it in a testing the water kind of way I said that if I found out he lied about something big I'd finish it because of the lying. That's what he's been scared of and sticking his head in the sand about.
The time he said there was something big in his life (completely seperate occasion just to clarify) I obviously asked him what he meant and he said something like 'it's not the time right now (the immediate moment) but I will tell you and it's really not something you need to worry about.' I thought he meant a work related thing or something. There was no ranting and raving.

He see's his daughter roughly every week, sometimes more sometimes less depending on his work patterns. Although we talk/text every day we live about an hour away from each other so not in each other's lives daily like that so I wouldn't say always lying about where he is or what he's doing exactly.

OP posts:

Lweji · 30/04/2018 19:22

You're already excusing him.

You said your ex was a liar and you're about to accept another liar in your life. Good luck

LunaTrap · 30/04/2018 19:25

Why didn't he tell you though? He shouldn't be hiding his child away like she is some dirty little secret. And to go ahead and meet your kids whilst lying to you is awful.

Original poster

Jasmineandsunshine · 30/04/2018 19:26

He's very protective over his daughter and who is in her life, he says that's why he didn't mention her at first.

No, he's not pressuring me at all but he would like me to give her a chance, meet her, see how it goes and whether I think I want to be a step mum, not something I've had to deal with.

He and the child's mother split up when she was pregnant, they have an amicable relationship, both sides of the family were at the child's first birthday party and will be for 'big' birthdays in the future.

OP posts:

Kneehighinshit · 30/04/2018 19:27

What message are you giving your kids. That is ok to be lied to? That is ok to lie to others?

I'd show him the door and end it while it's still relatively easy. You're worth so much more than that, don't sell yourself short

Aprilmightbemynewname · 30/04/2018 19:29

He has changed the dynamics of your relationship.. And lied.
Bet there are more lies to follow.
Ltb.

Wheelerdeeler · 30/04/2018 19:35

He's very protective of her yet hides her and sees her once a week???? Ya great dad there.

Gazelda · 30/04/2018 19:35

It's not just one lie though, is it? He's lied to you every time he sees her. Every time you ask "how was your day today".
Have you met his parents? If you have, then how come they've never mentioned the child? If you haven't met them, why not?

Whocansay · 30/04/2018 19:36

Being protective of his daughter is no reason not to mention her. At all. He may not want to introduce people to her at an early stage, but there is no issue with mentioning her. It sounds like he's ashamed of her.

You're making excuses for him. He's clearly full of shit.

LunaTrap · 30/04/2018 19:37

So he is very protective of his daughter and who she meets but saw fit to meet and get to know your kids whilst lying to you. Is his daughter more important than your children then? It doesn't matter who they meet?

CrazedZombie · 30/04/2018 19:37

Strange. The perfect time for him to mention his dd was when he found out that you were a mum.

It sounds like you want to forgive him but I'd be worried about when the next lie was coming and not be able to relax.

Lweji · 30/04/2018 19:40

He's shifting your attention to his DD.

Keep it where you should. On him. On his deception. Deal with that first.

Then, if you think it's a good idea to continue a relationship with a liar, deal with the girl.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread