Just found out he has a child after all

[Jasmineandsunshine]

I need help. I've been seeing this guy for the last 10 months, I love who he is as a person, the dynamic between us and how our relationship feels. We both want a future together and talk in a not-planning-it-yet-but-knowing-we-want-it kind of way about living together, marriage etc.

Now comes the issue, I have 3 children which I introduced him to about 3 months ago, he has always, before he met them and since, been very understanding of them. I was surprised considering he didn't have any children of his own. Except he does. He didn't tell me at first and then it became hard to. About 4 months ago, before I had any plans to introduce him to mine, he told me that there was something big he hadn't told me about his life but it wasn't bad so I don't have to worry about it. On other occasions he tried to but because I reacted by saying that if I found out he lied about something like that that I would break up with him for the lying he chickened out.

I'm still in shock probably, I only found out yesterday. I'm angry that the future we were planning together is going to look different to how I've been thinking. I'm hurt that he's been hiding such a big part of his life. And I'm upset for I don't even know why. I'm just upset. I know that there are people who would be happy to have another child in their life and I'm so frustrated with myself that I can't seem to see it that way. I don't know if I want more kids or not, if money wasn't an issue, then probably, but then I feel like it's more the baby I'm thinking about and when you consider everything involved with actually raising a child I think maybe not, 3 is enough to be getting on with. I feel like I've been given this situation instead of our own child and from how I know him I know he must be an amazing dad which makes me sad that I most likely won't get to hear our child calling him daddy.

As I said, he's known for a long time that he's got to tell me but he hadn't planned on it being yesterday. My reaction surprised him. He knew that I'd be angry about it, maybe enough to break up but as I'm such an amazing mum (his words) and good with kids he thought I'd be good about any child (he's very welcoming with children and took in one of his friends for months without an issue, seeing her like she's his) and he absolutely didn't think I'd feel so negatively.

He's not putting any pressure on me or trying to influence me in anyway btw and I'm confident that he'd be a good partner in this situation, treating all the kids fairly, seeing mine like his own, no disney dad or letting his daughter's mum mess us around etc.

So why do I still feel so crap about it. I'm not feeling like myself and I just keep crying. What kind of bitch feels like that!?

I need some people to talk some sense into me. Why can't I just be happy at this and look at it as an opportunity to have more love and joy in our lives.

I wouldn't be able to get over that lie. Why on earth wouldn't he tell you from the start?

OP: this is a test of all the reading and work that you've done. The point of all this

done my own research and read pieces and books by behavioural psychologists and counsellor's (that are full of my highlights and annotations of my own experiences) with both my ex and my childhood. The point I'm trying to make is I'm not unaware of controlling behaviour and manipulation tactics and techniques like gaslighting, withdrawal, emotional blackmail, passive aggressiveness, avoidance, distraction, shifting the blame and turning every argument on its head so you lose focus and they manage to convince you they're logical, reasonable and right and you're illogical, nonsensical, unreasonable and wrong and all the rest of it.

is to APPLY IT. The point is to act on it. The difference between women get into abusive relationships and those who don't isn't that the ones who aren't are superhuman detectors of abusive men, it's that they WALK AWAY when their boundaries are violated. That's all. If you stay, then all the work is for nothing.

^this! @saiya06

He's just a different type of bastard.

He’s been with you almost half her life (if he’s actually telling you the right age - have you seen photos yet?). My boys are nearly 2 and not mentioning them ever during a 10 month relationship is unthinkable - I can’t help but talk about them all the time, so I’d question what type of person could keep this concealed (is he a very good liar, good at compartmentalising, not that interested in his daughter, ashamed of his own behaviour etc)? The fact you were constantly analysing him and yet he managed to keep this from you for so long says a lot about him. Can you tell if he’s lying in future, can you trust him? Can you be sure he’s not lying about anything else.

Also, it makes no sense - I’d understand his concerns more if you have no kids but you have 3 so why would you dump him?

If he can hide a child, he can hide all sorts of things about himself. It’s a huge worry.

I think it’s wrong that he’s lied- actually not everyone is okay with being a step parent and that’s fine. By lying to you he has just made it more difficult for you to admit that to him and to yourself. It’s unfair.

When I met now dh I had one dd aged 5 and I wouldn’t wanted to have another set of exes and battles with them and the weekends that were my child free weekends might not be theirs etc etc. It just wasn’t for me- and that’s the great thing about dating, everyone is different and you can pick and choose! For dh me having a child was fine and we are now married and have been together going on 10 years and have a ds aged 6 together now too.

I couldn’t continue in your relationship.

He lied for 10 months! Nearly a year! What the actual fuck. Who lies about having a child that he sees regularly.

That would be the end of the relationship for me. Come on OP, you must see this.

Saiya06 has it.

It is easier to learn about toxic traits however living by them is the difficult part.

You are justifying his behaviour whilst also saying how much he has let you down.
You either hold high standards for relationships and accept the emotions you feel when you have to let that person go or decide you have lower standards and lying is ok for you.

With 3 children to be responsible for I think your standards need to be very high.

It's ok to feel really upset that the "dream" is gone, that is natural but the test of your recovery is if you can let him go.

I was married to a narc so know the destruction it causes, it does make you reel afterwards and good for you for setting higher standards - I hope you follow through as after a while you will be proud of yourself.

10months is a vulnerable time as your rose tinted glasses are on but any flags need to be acted on.

"He kept you going until he thought you had invested too much effort in him to accept his lies. Or he'd have told you much much sooner."

Yep. And actually that is exactly what you're doing. If you read your posts, you're more upset that your future that you had mapped out in your head isn't going to happen rather than he has LIED to you throughout your entire relationship.

"My ex had form for constant lying so when he said it in a testing the water kind of way I said that if I found out he lied about something big I'd finish it because of the lying."

And if you don't finish it, he will know that he can lie to you about anything and you will not follow through on your empty ultimatums.

You trusted him with the most important people in your life - your children - and he has abused their trust as well as yours.

This period of time has covered Christmas too - so whatever he did (or didn't do) about seeing her at Christmas, getting presents for her etc, he kept hidden. So either he's not a very involved dad, or he has put a lot of effort into lying and deception, or both.

The situation as it stands is that he told me this on Sunday, we talked for hours, he said he'd give me space to think and we said our goodbye's knowing it could be the last time. The next day he text me to ask me how I was, he answered more of my questions and I told him that I wanted time to clear my head and no contact at all, even the usual 'good morning' text, for a week, it may be longer that'll be up to me. There are obviously no plans to see each other.

I understand why he didn't initially tell me about his daughter in the first 1 or 2 months in the just getting to know you stage and it wasn't about protecting her from me as such, it's hard to explain but just call it a culteral thing. The issue is that the lies continued as our relationship developed and now led to this huge loss of trust.

I know he see's his daughter, think baby beakers that were left out and explained away as being a friend's child's that they left behind, that kind of thing. As far as I know he pays maintenance.

My gut instinct about him has always been good so that's absolutely no use to me now.

I feel the marriage/future together aspect has been taken out of context a little. I meant that each of us knew, before we met, that that was what we wanted out of a relationship, not that we're tied to each other necessarily but that it was something we both wanted in our lives. The opening post is a snapshot of my emotions at a time when I was in shock and trying too see the best in the situation I'd suddenly been handed. It also kind of lets you see how hard I can be on myself. My emotions and thoughts have moved on since then though.
With regards to future faking, it's possible but I don't think so, he's never broken a promise or not done something he said he/we would and been very consistant generally (ironically).

It is hard to break up during a pregnancy no doubt but I know people who were caught out with an unplanned pregnancy and tried but broke up before the baby was born with the dad still playing an active a role as he could. Not ideal but it doesn't always mean an abandoned baby.

Over the next week I'm going to get him out of my background thoughts, focus on my beautiful little family and what I want for my/our lives. I'm cautious by nature and would rather take a week to think and give myself space than make a knee-jerk reaction. That's just how I am. Towards the end with my ex when I was starting to piece things together and see that even though I was happy (NOT what I would call happy now by a long shot but happy relative to the situation I was in then) that that was the best it was ever going to be and it wasn't good enough. But I still bid my time because I wanted to be 110% sure. When we did break up I felt no upset at all, I never looked back because I was mentally ready and I shocked myself with how happy I was how quickly.

Thank you for all your responses, they all helped in some way, even just to tell me that it wasn't my fault he didn't tell me because he couldn't and I'm not overreacting or unreasonable for feeling the way I do. It was my ex who made me feel that way btw (constant minimising, deflection and counter attack) and still something I'm getting over it seems. I spoke to a good friend last night and now feel peaceful and in control of the situation.

So active lying then, not just lying by omission. I couldn't get past that personally, not for something that big.

is to APPLY IT. The point is to act on it. The difference between women get into abusive relationships and those who don't isn't that the ones who aren't are superhuman detectors of abusive men, it's that they WALK AWAY when their boundaries are violated. That's all. If you stay, then all the work is for nothing

^^ This. Learned the hard way, speaking for myself.

I could never get past the fact that he has lied for all of your relationship. The getting to know each other time - and so you actually do not know him at all. Because he kept something massive from you. And lied every single day of those 10 months. And calling it protecting his daughter is pure bullshit. Protecting her might be you not meeting her until your relationship is well established. Yet he's met your kids?

Lying, two faced sum bag springs to my mind.

You and your kids deserve so much more.

Being worried about telling you is ones thing

I know he see's his daughter, think baby beakers that were left out and explained away as being a friend's child's that they left behind, that kind of thing. As far as I know he pays maintenance.

That's absolutely shocking. So not only has he lied about having a daughter, about the time that he spends with her, about the relationship he has with her mother, but he even lies when there's evidence stating you in the face? It's just purely planned, intentional, 'I'm choosing to lie to you rather than using a perfectly good opportunity to tell you the truth' deceit.

Regardless of how 'good' his intentions I wouldn't want to be with someone that would bring that into our relationship. He has actively lied about who he is for the entirety of your relationship. Why would you want to excuse that and put yourself and your DCs through a relationship with someone else that thinks their stories are more important than the truth? You and your family are worth so much more than that. You deserve someone open and honest that wants to share who they are with you in a way that brings everyone happiness. I hope time away from him helps you appreciate that.

This is not one lie he has been actively lieing your whole relationship, When you think hes somewhere hes actually somewhere else seeing his daughter, He must be a very good liar to not be caught out.

A decent father doesnt lie about their kids existence.
Get out whilst you can.