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Original poster

Just found out he has a child after all

91 replies

Jasmineandsunshine · 30/04/2018 18:07

I need help. I've been seeing this guy for the last 10 months, I love who he is as a person, the dynamic between us and how our relationship feels. We both want a future together and talk in a not-planning-it-yet-but-knowing-we-want-it kind of way about living together, marriage etc.

Now comes the issue, I have 3 children which I introduced him to about 3 months ago, he has always, before he met them and since, been very understanding of them. I was surprised considering he didn't have any children of his own. Except he does. He didn't tell me at first and then it became hard to. About 4 months ago, before I had any plans to introduce him to mine, he told me that there was something big he hadn't told me about his life but it wasn't bad so I don't have to worry about it. On other occasions he tried to but because I reacted by saying that if I found out he lied about something like that that I would break up with him for the lying he chickened out.

I'm still in shock probably, I only found out yesterday. I'm angry that the future we were planning together is going to look different to how I've been thinking. I'm hurt that he's been hiding such a big part of his life. And I'm upset for I don't even know why. I'm just upset. I know that there are people who would be happy to have another child in their life and I'm so frustrated with myself that I can't seem to see it that way. I don't know if I want more kids or not, if money wasn't an issue, then probably, but then I feel like it's more the baby I'm thinking about and when you consider everything involved with actually raising a child I think maybe not, 3 is enough to be getting on with. I feel like I've been given this situation instead of our own child and from how I know him I know he must be an amazing dad which makes me sad that I most likely won't get to hear our child calling him daddy.

As I said, he's known for a long time that he's got to tell me but he hadn't planned on it being yesterday. My reaction surprised him. He knew that I'd be angry about it, maybe enough to break up but as I'm such an amazing mum (his words) and good with kids he thought I'd be good about any child (he's very welcoming with children and took in one of his friends for months without an issue, seeing her like she's his) and he absolutely didn't think I'd feel so negatively.

He's not putting any pressure on me or trying to influence me in anyway btw and I'm confident that he'd be a good partner in this situation, treating all the kids fairly, seeing mine like his own, no disney dad or letting his daughter's mum mess us around etc.

So why do I still feel so crap about it. I'm not feeling like myself and I just keep crying. What kind of bitch feels like that!?

I need some people to talk some sense into me. Why can't I just be happy at this and look at it as an opportunity to have more love and joy in our lives.

OP posts:
Lweji · 30/04/2018 19:41

Have you been to his house? Met his friends or relatives?

DollyDayScream · 30/04/2018 19:45

He has demonstrated that he can tell enormous lies about his life.

You now know what he is capable of, it would be beyond foolish to give him a second chance.

It's is much easier to leave after ten months than further down the line. Summon all your strength and dignity and move on without him.

Tiddlywinks63 · 30/04/2018 19:47

He's 24, with a two year old DD. Quite possibly he's also balking a little at taking on three children op, it's a big undertaking.
He's lied by omission, is there anything else he's failed to tell you? Is he really separated from his DD's mother?

Aprilmightbemynewname · 30/04/2018 19:48

If you forgive this big lie you will have to forgive all the smaller ones that follow because you forgave the big one.

Casmama · 30/04/2018 19:49

The “give her a chance” line is appalling and implies keeping you happy is a greater priority than his dad.
I can’t believe you just let it go when he said he had a big secret- all a bit soap opera to me.
I think you need to call it a day.

Mousefunky · 30/04/2018 19:51

I have kept the fact I have children from men I have dated before but for two weeks not ten months. How on earth has he even managed this one? At your age I’d assume you are both on social media so isn’t his daughter on there? How has he explained where he’s been on certain days when he is with her? I find it bizarre he has chosen to hide the biggest part of anyone’s life from you, especially when you have three of your own children so it’s hardly like you would’ve freaked out if he’d mentioned when you met. Very, very weird. It would make me question what else he is hiding tbh.

OrchidInTheSun · 30/04/2018 19:53

He's a liar

AmazingPostVoices · 30/04/2018 19:56

I’m pretty sceptical that anyone who manages not to mention his child in ten months can be an “amazing Dad” to be honest.

Aside from which this isn’t just one lie. It’s hundreds and hundreds of lies:

What did you do at the weekend?
How did you spend Christmas?
What did you do last night?

Lie after lie. Editing his life around what he has and hasn’t told you.

You not meeting her I can understand. You not knowing about her? Hmm

Original poster
Jasmineandsunshine · 30/04/2018 20:47

Just to clarify, he didn't say he had a big secret, he said there was something he hadn't told me yet but it wasn't a bad thing. If he had said 'big secret' that would be beyond stupid to overlook.

Neither of us has met the other's families, he obviously knew he had to tell me this and I wanted to take it slow. Neither of us has any social media.

Yes to those who've said it, I'm terrified of being in a bad relationship again and left my ex because I didn't want to set that example to my kids.

And yes, at the very least he's lied by omission every time he's talked about his day and not mentioned her.

He doesn't consider his daughter more important than my children, we had been dating for 6 months before he met mine, he'd been wanting to tell me before that but was too scared I'd end it apparently.

Sorry for writing so bullet point style, my brain's in shock.

OP posts:
Lookatyourwatchnow · 30/04/2018 20:52

For gods sake, OP. You need to end this relationship immediately, you would be crazy not to.

Mannix · 30/04/2018 20:53

I'm not surprised you're in shock, this is a massive thing to find out after 10 months. I would struggle to get past the lying (as others have said, he must have sometimes lied by omission when you asked what he'd been doing), and it's perfectly reasonable that you're now looking at the future in a different light.

Take a bit of time to think about how you feel.

AmazingPostVoices · 30/04/2018 20:56

he'd been wanting to tell me before that but was too scared I'd end it apparently.

This would tend to indicate a deep lack of maturity. I don’t think I consider him grown up enough to be a step father to my own kids let alone conceive a new child with.

LunaTrap · 30/04/2018 21:02

he'd been wanting to tell me before that but was too scared I'd end it apparently

So nothing to do with protecting his daughter then, he just pretended she didn't exist because he didn't want to ruin his new relationship. I wouldn't want him near me or my kids again tbh, what sort of father does that?

Idontdowindows · 30/04/2018 21:08

What else is he keeping from you OP?

Lweji · 30/04/2018 21:14

Are you even sure he's left his DD's mother? Are you sure there was no overlap?

SleepFreeZone · 30/04/2018 21:15

This all sounds like too much too soon. If he is 24, I’m assuming you are also in your twenties?

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 30/04/2018 22:07

'My ex had form for constant lying so when he said it in a testing the water kind of way I said that if I found out he lied about something big I'd finish it because of the lying'.

As lies go, this is a pretty big-ass one but instead of ending it like you said you are making excuses for him.

He is another liar, op. You have a choice of who you keep in your life and now you know what kind of person he is don't expect complete clarity or honesty from him.

HollowTalk · 30/04/2018 22:10

How was he not so massively in love with her that he couldn't resist talking about her? How could he just ignore the fact she existed? That's really cruel and I'd dump him for that.

Gloryificus · 30/04/2018 22:31

How shit really! all he had to do was ' you've 3 dc I've got 1' simple honest no nonsense no lies!

My ex didn't want people knowing he had dc because he liked to compartmentalize his life. Dc weren't allowed meet or spend time with his new partner as that was his private life. It got worse to the point he had a new dc and our dc found out by accident!

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/04/2018 22:42

Stop making excuses for him!

You’ve got children. You’re a good mum. Would you lie about NOT having children? For ten months? For ANY reason?

It’s just bizarre.

As others have said, every single time he didn’t tell you he was a dad or that he’d seen her, he was lying to you.

The situation is madness.

You know it is!

If you carry on seeing him, he now knows he can lie to your face and get away with it.

QueenofSerene · 30/04/2018 22:43

I think the whole “he didn’t tell me because he was scared I’d end it” is very telling. He was putting his relationship ahead of his own child. Surely as a parent you accept your a package deal and if your partner won’t accept that then it’s not a relationship worth having.

I doubt you’d have kept your kids a secret for nearly a year out of fear he would leave you, surely you’d expect a partner to take you and your kids on for a proper relationship.

It’s one thing to keep your kids from a new partner until you’re comfortable for them to meet, it’s entirely different to ignore their existence entirely.

Handsfull13 · 30/04/2018 22:53

It's all about his lie and not his daughter.

Yes you can be upset about an extra child you hadn't planned on. And his questioning about whether you wanted another child, for you it got you thinking about having a child with him but for him it was to see if you would accept a child he already had.

I understand leaving it a long time to introduce a partner to your children but you tell your partner about having a child pretty early on.
How long did it take you to tell him you had three kids?

It doesn't matter about distance and how often you talk to each other. He lied every day you asked what he got up to during the day and he didn't mention seeing his child.
That sounds like a lie almost every day. Don't excuse him of this just because he is good in every other way.

Who knows what else he'll take a year to tell you just because he is scared of what you might say or do.

ShinyShooney · 30/04/2018 23:26

Were you not a little surprised that a childless 24 year old was planning to take on 3 kids? Makes sense that he has one already otherwise he'd be looking for someone else his age with no kids to start a family with.

Lweji · 30/04/2018 23:48

He kept you going until he thought you had invested too much effort in him to accept his lies. Or he'd have told you much much sooner.

It looks like he's right. You're reluctant to let him go, despite your earlier protestations.

Neverwrestlewithapig · 01/05/2018 00:11

If his daughter’s 2, think about the milestones she must have passed over the past 10 month - has he never once wanted to excitedly share that with you? Show you a video/photo of her doing something cute or funny? Has he never expressed any of the typical worries/upset that all parents have? Especially if it’s your first!
My worry would be that one -or even both- of you is not so important in his life after all Sad