Just found out he has a child after all

[Jasmineandsunshine]

I need help. I've been seeing this guy for the last 10 months, I love who he is as a person, the dynamic between us and how our relationship feels. We both want a future together and talk in a not-planning-it-yet-but-knowing-we-want-it kind of way about living together, marriage etc.

Now comes the issue, I have 3 children which I introduced him to about 3 months ago, he has always, before he met them and since, been very understanding of them. I was surprised considering he didn't have any children of his own. Except he does. He didn't tell me at first and then it became hard to. About 4 months ago, before I had any plans to introduce him to mine, he told me that there was something big he hadn't told me about his life but it wasn't bad so I don't have to worry about it. On other occasions he tried to but because I reacted by saying that if I found out he lied about something like that that I would break up with him for the lying he chickened out.

I'm still in shock probably, I only found out yesterday. I'm angry that the future we were planning together is going to look different to how I've been thinking. I'm hurt that he's been hiding such a big part of his life. And I'm upset for I don't even know why. I'm just upset. I know that there are people who would be happy to have another child in their life and I'm so frustrated with myself that I can't seem to see it that way. I don't know if I want more kids or not, if money wasn't an issue, then probably, but then I feel like it's more the baby I'm thinking about and when you consider everything involved with actually raising a child I think maybe not, 3 is enough to be getting on with. I feel like I've been given this situation instead of our own child and from how I know him I know he must be an amazing dad which makes me sad that I most likely won't get to hear our child calling him daddy.

As I said, he's known for a long time that he's got to tell me but he hadn't planned on it being yesterday. My reaction surprised him. He knew that I'd be angry about it, maybe enough to break up but as I'm such an amazing mum (his words) and good with kids he thought I'd be good about any child (he's very welcoming with children and took in one of his friends for months without an issue, seeing her like she's his) and he absolutely didn't think I'd feel so negatively.

He's not putting any pressure on me or trying to influence me in anyway btw and I'm confident that he'd be a good partner in this situation, treating all the kids fairly, seeing mine like his own, no disney dad or letting his daughter's mum mess us around etc.

So why do I still feel so crap about it. I'm not feeling like myself and I just keep crying. What kind of bitch feels like that!?

I need some people to talk some sense into me. Why can't I just be happy at this and look at it as an opportunity to have more love and joy in our lives.

I don't see why he never mentioned it from the very beginning. Having a child isn't the issue...it's lying about it...and these excuses of being protective are just twaddle.

Does that mean you aren't protective because you mentioned your kids.

He's a liar. He's immature. Saying he's lying by omission is trying to make it sound better.

You've only known him for ten months, yet you've already discovered that he's a manipulative liar who lied by omission each time he met you. You also know that he cannot be relied on and is poor at commitment, having abandoned his baby at only a few months old.

He isn't a good Dad, he just visits his baby to play with it. What makes you think that he will be a "good Dad" to your three children?

He's not a keeper.

Liars tend to lie because it’s a weird addictive nasty habit, not to protect anyone’s feelings. It’s a form of extreme passive aggressiveness.

There’s often a weird sadistic/ controlling streak in them which likes seeing the other person acting in good faith before they can then bamboozle and blindside them.

You’re now (understandably) all over the place

whilst he’s probably rewriting the story in his head about how you’re desperate to meet his child and he’s had to keep you away

(when if he’d said that he’d rather you not meet her at first, you’d no doubt have respected his wishes like a normal polite person)

I dated someone who would wait till we were meeting in person before coming up with things like “I can only stay one hour” when deep down he “knew” that was important information that would affect me.

It was so that he could then step back all innocent and go “oh, she’s all clingy and controlling and irrational” when it was him who was being the weirdo.

You’ll regret it if you stay with him. It won’t be the first time he does this

Just wanted to say that I'm feeling a range of emotions but I only come on here when I'm feeling numb, that's why you're not seeing anger but I don't need help feeling angry believe me.

Also, I know it really doesn't seem like it but I'm not a gullable or easily manipulated person, you don't know me in real life so you'll just have to trust me on that but since I split with my ex I've seen everything that was wrong in our relationship, read stuff on here that I can relate to, done my own research and read pieces and books by behavioural psychologists and counsellor's (that are full of my highlights and annotations of my own experiences) with both my ex and my childhood. The point I'm trying to make is I'm not unaware of controlling behaviour and manipulation tactics and techniques like gaslighting, withdrawal, emotional blackmail, passive aggressiveness, avoidance, distraction, shifting the blame and turning every argument on its head so you lose focus and they manage to convince you they're logical, reasonable and right and you're illogical, nonsensical, unreasonable and wrong and all the rest of it. I've been assessing and evaluating this guy all along and he's never given me any cause for concern until this bombshell. That's why I'm so blindsided.

If you've ever been in a relationship with a narcissistic twat you'll know how constantly you're on the lookout all the time

None of this makes any sense. He could have told you from the beginning and still protected his daughter.

I would guess that the relationship between him and his ex is very involved and he wanted to keep you out of it, so he could see how things go with her and not have her freak out about him dating.

He lied. You are both not on the same page with regards to more kids. He's very young. You need to move on.

I can't imagine anyone who is an amazing dad or whose DC are an important part of their lives not admitting their existence over a 10 month period.

Think of all the time he's spent with her and the stories a normal dad would tell about their 2 year old over that time. He's pretended none of it happened. I find that shocking and bizarre.

You don't know this man. I bet there is plenty that's happened between him and his ex you don't know about. How can you even think of accepting his lies?

Imagine what your friends and own DC will think when they find this out. Imagine what you would think if it happened to a friend and then wake up to the fact that 10 months into a long distance relationship you are blinded by 'love'. You won't be feeling the same about him another 10 months down the line, I'm sure.

I dont think I could hide having my pet for more than a couple months

I understand omitting that you have kids for a while. But not for 10 months! That is pure deception.

So...

LIED for almost a year about having a CHILD! (And all the lies he'll have had to tell to cover THAT lie)

Split with the child's mother when she was pregnant (and needing his support more than ever) I call 'bullshit' on it being "amicable" and a "joint decision". Few women break up with their partner while pregnant unless there's abuse involved so he's either a deadbeat or an abusive arse - nice!

You only have HIS word he sees the child.

Does he pay maintenance? Cms minimum?

He's 24 that's very young BUT no excuse to be irresponsible. Old enough to shag old enough to handle the consequences!

You sound as if you got over involved far too quickly. Not even been together a year and already thinking/talking marriage and more DC (possibly)

"Have you been to his house? Met his friends or relatives?" Wondering the same. In which case if not how can you even be sure he's truly single? Next thing it'll be 'we only live together cos I can't afford to move out/for the baby, we're in separate rooms' blah blah

"At your age I’d assume you are both on social media so isn’t his daughter on there?" Good question

"Neither of us has any social media." That's very unusual - are you sure he isn't?

"Neither of us has met the other's families" why?

"He's never given me any cause for concern until..." Except for telling you there was something important he hadn't yet told you, not introducing you to his family/friends (why hasn't he met yours?), have you ever been to his home?

I absolutely could not even consider trusting someone like this.

You are numb because you desperately desperately don’t want to admit to yourself that you’ve been lied to and manipulated.

I’m sorry, OP.

I’d have a lot of distance to think about this if I were you.

The line about “scared you’d split up with him” is either massively immature or it is clever manipulation.

Either way, you have 3 children of your own, the youngest not much older than his child, and he’s NEVER mentioned her.

You need time alone to think. No messaging etc.

That's awful, he's basically been denying his daughter's existence and to a woman who has 3 kids, makes no sense, all he has done now is instil a feeling of mistrust towards him, you are minimising all this but you've had your first red flag and should not be excusing it, great dad, hardly.

On top of WHY he kept it from you HOW did he keep it from you? Hid DD would have been a baby when you met. Has he not got any photos of her in his house, how often was he seeing her? Regardless of your views on adding another child in to your life (And I can sympathise with that) I don't think I'd be able to be with someone who didn't wholeheartedly embrace what was still new fatherhood when you met him. He should have been gushing about his baby if he was a decent person

He’s told a big fat lie and then told a thousand other lies to cover up the big one.

How many times have you text him or asked him “how was your day” and the lies have tripped off his tongue so easily. Weekends, Christmas, Easter, his child’s birthday, all lies.

For 10 months.

That’s not lying by omission, that’s full on planned deception.

You would be a fool to continue a relationship with this man.

I don’t think “assessing and evaluating” really is a substitute for instinctively seeing this guy is bad news and a bit of a drama llama?

He’s set you up so you’re now on the back foot and having to justify yourself to him as a potential step mum wtf is that all about?

I KNOW it’s hard meeting compatible people, and maybe you have a drive to set up another home/family?

He’s deliberately waited this long so you now feel attached to him.

But you need to slow down or you’ll be bringing more chaos into your existing children’s lives. You have a responsibility to them as well as your own emotional neediness.

You have got rid of one lying twat from your life. This one might have a different style but they are still a liar. Get rid. You won't regret it.

I don’t care how scared he was.
How can he deny his own child
He is a liar, get rid

OP this is completely ridiculous. How on earth can anyone conduct a relationship for almost a year and fail to mention the fact there is a child he is very involved with. How has he never mentioned it??? Surely you speak about your children. I’d say it’s practically unconscious instinct that another parent would use such a conversation to mention their own child, to compare, laugh, tell stories etc. Parents I know talk about their children ALL THE TIME! That’s because people’s children are their overwhelming priority and thing they are most proud of. It’s natural to talk about them. By not mentioning his child he has consciously and deliberately lied to you, constantly. I cannot imagine the effort these lies have taken him. It would be a deal breaker for me, not the presence of a child, but the level of continuous deceit

At Christmas or other occasions ie his child's birthday when you would have asked how was your day? Or how was Christmas? He lied said nothing like that little girl of his didn't exist! How is that ok?
On days he'd spend with his daughter unbeknownst to you what would he say in response to any contact from you? Nah did nothing?
And never once did he slip up and mention her name whilst with your dc? Like for example watching a kids movie/ Disney jr etc no oh my dd loves this one?
He kept her hidden away unbelievable really!

Yes, he's very accomplished at compartmentalising his life, the sign of a skilled compulsive liar.

As liars go, this guy is in a class of his own. Assume you have dumped him immediately like you said you would, op?

It's an odd thing to lie about.

You'd have to wonder what the purpose of the lie was. To present an image of himself rather than reveal his real self

You introduced your children to him and he didn't even tell you he HAD a child! That's such a disconnect, such different agendas.

ps, and as for the ''he's protective of his daughter'' excuse, what does that even mean?! Surely telling you would have given you something in common (as parents) and you would have understood any parenting he had to do. It is very odd that he didn't just come out with it. While he was busy ''protecting'' his daughter (by denying her existence, but whatever) while he protected her, you introduced your children to him. So EVEN IF THERE WERE ANY LOGIC IN THE PROTECTING HIS DAUGHTER ARGUMENT it would piss me off that he gets to protect his daughter while you inadvertently introduce yours to a liar.

I think the relationship will be fundamentally flawed by this now. Fatally damaged.

Do yourself a favour and put it out of its misery now. This will be like a worm in your mind forevermore.

When someone lies to you, they take your reality away. It’s quite a violating experience, so your reaction is understandable.
If it were me I’d want to slow things right down, and really give my feelings time to develop. That way you wouldn’t run the risk of being over accommodating, and would be able to really put it behind you when/if you feel you can.