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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel invisible to him :(

98 replies

WeeSunhine2018 · 29/04/2018 01:46

Hi folks

Im new to this site so bear with me.

Been with my partner 7.5 years and have 3 year old boy and 4 month old boy.

Noticed weird behaviour in my oartner over the last month... he comes home from work and goes straight to the kids and i dont even get any eye contact .
At night after dinner he just sits om his phone all night and we sit in silence and doesn't ask how i am ever or how my day was.

Hes started workkng with new girl at work and since this has been dressing better , eating better and doing gym.

Had a big argument over a week ago and he threw in that he doesnr come near me as i dont make any effort with my appeareance and look a mess in his words.

I told him im looking after two youbg kids, all hoise hold duties, food shop etc on yop of breast feeding a very hungry 4 month old.

Ive got PND this time and feel so alone right now. Am i looking into things too much cause of my illness.

Any advice?

OP posts:
CaledonianQueen · 29/04/2018 03:07

I am sorry OP but you are not imagining things. Your dp is behaving disgracefully and his comment about your looks is utterly disgusting! You have a newborn still and yes four months is still new in my opinion! You have small children and a baby at the cluster feed/ increasing demand stage where you can literally be pinned under a breastfeeding baby for hours!

Is your p more secretive with his phone? Are you able to check his messages? I suspect your p is cheating or at least considering cheating. It sounds very like he has detached himself from you/ emotionally checked out of your relationship. Have you told your p how cruel and nasty his comment was?

Original poster
WeeSunhine2018 · 29/04/2018 06:35

Yes i checked his phone and he willingly showed mr his phone when i made him aware of his sudden change of behaviour he said im nuts and looking into things too much.

I told him his comments were so hurtful to me and i was in floods of tears.. all he could say was wepl others mums do it so why can't you???

Talk about kicking someone when they are down?

I told him maybe other muns get more help from their families but im not able to get help due to family living further away and my mum passes 2.5 years ago unexpectedly.

Good to get n 2nd opinion as i thought it was my illness

OP posts:
Sally2791 · 29/04/2018 06:47

He sounds very immature and unhelpful. Do you have local friends /Mum and toddler group to give support? I think you need to have a big conversation with him

elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 06:55

His comments are disgraceful, and he is not supporting you at all. I would be feeling at my wits end in this position.

Maybe consider booking a babysitter and then really having this out with him? This does not sound like a man who loves and cares for you, nor one that is taking care of you.

Is he always like this? Or just recently?

Original poster
WeeSunhine2018 · 29/04/2018 07:35

Hes just been like this for the last month ever since this younger girl at work started.

He probably looks at her and thinks oh great i need to go home to this mess of a girlfriend.

I asked why he doesn't go near me any more and he turned it on me saying no wonder your always covered and sick abd wear leggings all the time.

I got so angry as he really hurt my feelings. I told him the little one has bad reflux and is sick up alot and i wear leggings as i dint feel nice in jeans and its quickest thing to grab and go. I feel i dont look after myself enough but its only because im honestly puttibg my 2 boys first and my partner before myself. All i care for is to make sure they are all looked after and happy.

Then getting these horrible comments from my partner really cut through me

OP posts:
idlikemoresleep · 29/04/2018 07:51

Wow he sounds like a massive prick. Sorry but you're the mother of his children, he should be right by your side helping with his children and supporting you - his partner - not trying to bring you down and jump ship because he thinks the grass is greener elsewhere.
It's definitely not your illness and don't allow him to make you feel bad for feeling the way you feel.
He sounds very ignorant and shallow and really not what you need right now.
:(

Cawfee · 29/04/2018 07:58

It’s not your Illness. He’s an arsehole. I bet you wouldn’t even be depressed if he was being nice to you and actually helping. He’s putting you down and it’s emotional abuse

Original poster
WeeSunhine2018 · 29/04/2018 09:16

Where do i go from here ?
Not spoke to him in over a week and hes been sleeping on couch down stairs.

OP posts:
Original poster
WeeSunhine2018 · 29/04/2018 09:19

I said to him i need more help with kids and to get the spare time to get to the gym or having a relaxing bath. Just something for me to do.

But his reply was well hes gotta work and if other mums can do it then i dont have an excuse not to do my hair and make up.

OP posts:
beckysarah · 29/04/2018 09:28

He sounds like a right idiot
I have a 4month old my I don't put make up on I usually stink of vom and explosive poos yet my husband tells me everyday how beautiful I am ( even though I clearly stink of sh*t)
Ha
He helps me so I can go gym , bath , etc

You need this his behaviour is unacceptable and he's obviously not Helping you!

Original poster
WeeSunhine2018 · 29/04/2018 09:30

Beckysarah your so lucky honestly!!
That's so nice of your husband treating you like thatSmile

OP posts:
Original poster
WeeSunhine2018 · 29/04/2018 09:34

Just fed up feeling like a complete let down for my partner and simply not good enough for him anymore.

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 29/04/2018 09:40

Its not you! Please believe that, he is making your confidence worse.Most women would struggle without a supportive partner or family support.Do you have a good HV?

How old are you both?

lifebegins50 · 29/04/2018 09:44

Realised you and your partber are not speaking for over a week which is a toxic environment and likely your toddler is picking up on it.

Horrible for you as well.

hellsbellsmelons · 29/04/2018 09:46

Does he work on Sundays?
If not then get kids up and dressed.
Sort yourself.
Leave the kids with him a go out for the day on your own.
Do you have any friends nearby?
You say familybare not near.
Could you get to them for a week or so?
Get your head straight and get some help?

bastardkitty · 29/04/2018 09:50

You are not the let down. Your excuse of a partner is. Do you have any support - family or friends? If you have been covering for him please tell them what's going on. Please talk to your GP about your PND (if you haven't already) but I suspect your mood will lift when you're not being dragged down by an unsupportive and disloyal arsehole. He's either cheating, or trying to. He needs to go. His disrespect for you is awful.

Saz1995 · 29/04/2018 09:50

You don’t deserve that shit, you would be better off a single parent than be with someone so vile and horrible.

Original poster
WeeSunhine2018 · 29/04/2018 09:50

Yeah horrible enviroment to be in at the moment.. he walks passed me as if im not even there.

We are both 30 years old.

Yes i have a good HV shes the only person i can talk to really but she only comes up once every 2 weeks that's why i thought i would join here to speak to someone.

I dont know where to go from here x

OP posts:
Saz1995 · 29/04/2018 09:53

Have you any family or friends near by you could spend some time with and talk to?

timeisnotaline · 29/04/2018 09:56

Talk to the health visitor, and appreciate you can’t leave a bf babybut when he gets home, hand him the baby. Tell him other dads spend time with their babies. In fact think of a dozen comments you can make about other dads. Other dads bath and bed their four year old. Other dads support their wives with babies. Other dads help their wives get some sleep. Other dads take their kids out for an hour. Everything he doesn’t do.

Original poster
WeeSunhine2018 · 29/04/2018 09:56

Every night i see him on his phone i sit and wonder what hes upto.

Yes my partner works some Sunday's he works different shifts. He is away to work today.
I wont hear a peep from him untik he finisges at 4 and even then he walks passed me like im invisible.

Cant leave kids with him as im breast feeding my 4 month old and he refuses expressed milk in a bottle so got wee one 24/7 plus my toddler doesnt like him either so refuses to go places with him so both kids always by my side.

OP posts:
Original poster
WeeSunhine2018 · 29/04/2018 10:01

With regards to telking friends... im having some trouble meetong up with them as i dont have the confidence to meet them for a coffee as i look a mess and im drained from all the breast feeding during the night.

Feel like im slowly losing my friends as i keep cancelling as i get into car with kids then i look in mirror and i have an anxiety attack and then text them to cancel.

Im too worried to tell my friends and family whats going on as i dont want folk to have pitty on me and see what a horrible situation im in.

Difficult one.

OP posts:
bertielab · 29/04/2018 10:01

Do you both own or rent? Are you married? What other family do you have? Is it an area where you have friends? Call your HV and ask for an emergency appointment - you need help.

I had PND but also an ex from hell and his family - you are better off on your own. It was tough, my family doesn’t live close, but I made friends and years on - best decision I made.

timeisnotaline · 29/04/2018 10:01

You most certainly can hand him the baby for an hour though? And if the toddler also doesn’t like him and you don’t want him to spend time with the toddler do you really want the relationship ?

ijustwannadance · 29/04/2018 10:03

What an absolute arsehole.
How fucking dare he!

He is blaming you for his shitty behaviour.

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