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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I feel invisible to him :(

98 replies

WeeSunhine2018 · 29/04/2018 01:46

Hi folks

Im new to this site so bear with me.

Been with my partner 7.5 years and have 3 year old boy and 4 month old boy.

Noticed weird behaviour in my oartner over the last month... he comes home from work and goes straight to the kids and i dont even get any eye contact .
At night after dinner he just sits om his phone all night and we sit in silence and doesn't ask how i am ever or how my day was.

Hes started workkng with new girl at work and since this has been dressing better , eating better and doing gym.

Had a big argument over a week ago and he threw in that he doesnr come near me as i dont make any effort with my appeareance and look a mess in his words.

I told him im looking after two youbg kids, all hoise hold duties, food shop etc on yop of breast feeding a very hungry 4 month old.

Ive got PND this time and feel so alone right now. Am i looking into things too much cause of my illness.

Any advice?

OP posts:

mamanALFA · 03/05/2018 14:25

If you want to do your hair and make up do it for yourself not for him - he just doesn't deserve it but you do if it's gonna make you feel better xxx

mamanALFA · 03/05/2018 14:34

My son arrived at 32 weeks so I hadn't done ante natal classes and we'd just moved to a new area. I also found that mums are super cleeky. It was awful to start with. I used to make a huge effort and go to groups despite my boy having reflux and vomiting all the time and not being able to put him down on his back and every time I made the effort to talk to mums asking if they'd like to go for a walk or a coffee after the class they'd be like 'oh I'm meeting up with my nct group sorry' and that'd be it. Then I stopped bothering.

I found that mums that go to local authority play groups are MUCH nicer. I know I'm generalising here but this was my experience as a new mum in London. Before having my son I had a standard life in London going out seeing lots of people etc.

Now I have a small group of 5 mums who I met at the stay and play groups and we have a whatsapp group and meet up when we can or somethings just chat online.

It can be very isolating having babies. I certainly felt very lonely as my whole family is in France. My partner is very supportive and I just imagine doing all this without him. And you have 2 little ones you clearly are a wonderful mum xxxx

sparklepops123 · 03/05/2018 14:41

No I wouldn't put make up on, as you say, to make him think your making an effort. He should love and support you make up or no make up. Your priority as you've proved are your kids, shame he doesn't share that. He sounds a complete dick are you really sure you actually want to be with him?

Chippyway · 03/05/2018 14:50

OP you are basically already a single mother

You’d probably find if you actually left then you’d be better off financially as well. Not just that, but emotionally and mentally!

This man is disgusting. You and your children deserve much better

babymom1875 · 03/05/2018 15:46

You're doing your best, give yourself some credit and do not let him bring you down xx

Original poster

WeeSunhine2018 · 03/05/2018 20:08

His behaviour just isnt like this normally.

Thats why im thinking hes potentially looking else where now but i just cant 100% prove it.
Everything comes to light eventually so will only be a matter of time. Just makes me feel so sad that he woukd ever do that to me and make me feel like im just not good enough for him when ive given up so much.

I used to be a completely different person before kids. I used to socialise with friends most weekends, wear nice clothes and make everyone laugh and smile everywhere i went.

Now life has turned upside down and i think i dont fully want to admit whats truly going on here x

OP posts:

Dadaist · 03/05/2018 20:31

What a complete arse! You have only one option OP - you arrange to go away for as long as you can and you leave him in charge. He needs to man up to his responsibilities and stop treating you like dirt.

sparklepops123 · 03/05/2018 20:32

Life moves on, your in a different place,sounds like he's not

sparklepops123 · 03/05/2018 20:33

Agree- leave him couple days on his own with them

Original poster

WeeSunhine2018 · 03/05/2018 21:31

Cant leave my 4month he is breast fed and refuses bottle and my 3 year goes to nursery and would be absolutely devastated if i left him for couple days x

OP posts:

cordeliavorkosigan · 03/05/2018 21:47

Not that it matters what other mums do, as he is a dick no matter what they do. But other mums have partners who cook, clean, share in parenting, drop and or collect dc from childcare, get up at night with dc, take them to the dentist or gp when needed, play with them, teach them stuff, cook with them, deal with their tantrums, change their nappies and wash their hair. Parenting, like... My dh isn’t perfect but he does all of these things some of the time, as do I.
So tell your ass of a partner that you have figured out how they all do it. And that if he won’t step up you will lose about 65kg of extra weight by dumping his ass.

Ledkr · 03/05/2018 22:27

I was only suggesting easy ways to feel more confident for you not him as you said you found it hard to go to groups and stuff cos felt scruffy. Definitely not for him.

Lillygolightly · 03/05/2018 22:30

WeeSunshine2018

Sorry I only just got the this thread but I have read through it all. So sorry your partner is being so unsupportive and making you feel insecure. It’s so hard to make a stand over these things when you’ve got kids isn’t it. You want to keep the world turning for them but at the same time you don’t want to just put up with his shit behaviour.

I saw your post about considering making an effort to put make up on to please him and hope he treats you better, but this is making you feel like your giving in to his demands. If it were me I would start making more of an effort with my appearance but I would do it for ME. He’d notice I look nicer, maybe pass comment and I’d ignore the shit out of him dose of his own medicine and all that but then perhaps I’m a bitch

In all seriousness I think doing things to simply please him and hope he notices and is nicer won’t really fix things. I think you need to look at things within your control that can make you happier irrespective of him and maybe that is make up and clothes or maybe it’s a good book/coffee and a little bit of peace or whatever.

I hope things get better for you

mapaca · 04/05/2018 11:59

Just makes me feel so sad that he woukd ever do that to me and make me feel like im just not good enough for him when ive given up so much.

No, HE'S not good enough for YOU. He should be pulling his weight and doing his fair share with the kids and around the house.

Original poster

WeeSunhine2018 · 12/05/2018 18:27

Well that's it ladies... its finally happened.. my partner has just moved out today. Pretty emotional but hopefully this is for the best.

OP posts:

Original poster

WeeSunhine2018 · 12/05/2018 18:42

My 3 year old wasnt bothered at all but i dont fully think he knows whats happened.

My face is red raw from crying most the day.

Was icing on cake today when he said you do absolutely nothing in this house its a complete mess. He later took his comment back saying he only said it to annoy me cause i said he does nothing to help me.

I told him this is when i need him most as ive got PND and he said just get help ya looney. So feeling pretty down right now x

OP posts:

mamanALFA · 12/05/2018 19:05

Wow so much seems to have happened!!! Can't believe how nasty his last comment was. Sending you lots of love xxxx

mamanALFA · 12/05/2018 19:06

He's just AWFUL - no one deserves such nastiness xxx

bedouincheek · 12/05/2018 19:21

I'm so sorry you are in this situation.
From what you've said, he's a vile lazy entitled little prick and you are well rid of him. You will cope and be fine. You have done it all without him so far.
Do take care of yourself and let MN support you through this.
Cuddle your beautiful babies and take all support from your HV GP etc...

Spotsandstars · 12/05/2018 19:39

Repeat these words to yourself...

I am a good person
I am an amazing mother
I am worthwhile
I am beautiful

These things are ALL true for EVERY mother. There are no exceptions. It doesn't matter whether you've put on makeup that day or if you've still got weight to lose who hasn't?!).
If every day your children are feed, clothed, clean and know they are loved (even if you have occasional cross words) and by the end of they day they are alive then you have WON. You have achieved something.

Say it to yourself, write it down and stick it up somewhere, it might be cringe but it's the truth for you.

Original poster

WeeSunhine2018 · 12/05/2018 19:44

Thank you all so much for your support !!
So bizzare how you never in ur wildest dreams imagine ur life like this and one day it all changes x

Oh well Weil see what tomorrow brings bd take it one day at a time x

OP posts:

sparklepops123 · 12/05/2018 20:01

Your well rid. Tomorrow focus- just you & kids 😀

mamanALFA · 12/05/2018 20:06

You will make it work for yourself and your children. Your main cause of stress has gone. I wish you all the happiness in the world with your little ones xxxx

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