Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel invisible to him :(

98 replies

WeeSunhine2018 · 29/04/2018 01:46

Hi folks

Im new to this site so bear with me.

Been with my partner 7.5 years and have 3 year old boy and 4 month old boy.

Noticed weird behaviour in my oartner over the last month... he comes home from work and goes straight to the kids and i dont even get any eye contact .
At night after dinner he just sits om his phone all night and we sit in silence and doesn't ask how i am ever or how my day was.

Hes started workkng with new girl at work and since this has been dressing better , eating better and doing gym.

Had a big argument over a week ago and he threw in that he doesnr come near me as i dont make any effort with my appeareance and look a mess in his words.

I told him im looking after two youbg kids, all hoise hold duties, food shop etc on yop of breast feeding a very hungry 4 month old.

Ive got PND this time and feel so alone right now. Am i looking into things too much cause of my illness.

Any advice?

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 29/04/2018 10:05

Do you have anyone you could go stay with (with DCs) to get a break and aome support? Just leave a note saying you're done with being treated like crap and can he move out for when you get back.

GertrudeCB · 29/04/2018 10:10

I hope I'm wrong but I saw this from another side at work. The man in question struck up a friendship with a woman that turned into a relationship within weeks of his DC being born.
The fallout was awful.

beyondthesky · 29/04/2018 10:22

You poor love. He is an arsehole.

Is there a Sure Start scheme in your area as they could be a great help and try to join a local playgroup. It was a lifesaver when mine were similar ages.

Everyone there will be in the same boat as you and will empathise about how difficult it is with two small children.

Yes There are mums who seem to deal with it all effortlessly but there are many many more who struggle to find the time to brush their hair! There is nothing wrong with that!

Do you think life would be easier if he wasn't there at all? If he was not sat there ignoring you perhaps you would actually be a lot more relaxed.

Thanks

lifebegins50 · 29/04/2018 10:34

Please reach out to someone and start getting support.Is there a local womens aid? Try to find a contact online and just email. It might sound dramatic but when I got in contact with womens aid there was a local group for support and it was an amazing place where I didn't feel judged..you can bring the dc and have a coffee whilst talking.

You aee only 30 and I bet you don't look awful.I imagine you look like a young mum who is lovely to her boys.

Original poster
WeeSunhine2018 · 29/04/2018 10:55

What are your other halfs like ??
Do they treat you well. X

OP posts:
Mary1935 · 29/04/2018 11:15

Hi wee - what does he now want? The reason I'm asking is what is he hoping to achieve by ignoring you? To hurt YOU - the mother of his two children.
You could tell him you can see he's not happy and he can go.
I bet he's a shit in other ways too. Why does his younger child not want to spend time with his Dad.
Ask your health visitor about a referral to Home Start.
Also see if she knows any mother and baby groups where you can get support. If not local church toddler groups can be kind.
He's a bastard. To treat another human like that.
You deserve kindness. Where is your family?
He may be unhappy but it's not your problem.
Don't feel bad for how you are. I barely coped with one child with no support. Are you taking any Medes for your PND. HE should be helping you - cooking meals - taking toddler to the park - washing clothes - bathing toddler - it's called parenting. You'd be better if single - it may not be what you want to hear - but he's a SHIT.
I'm in south east London if I can be of help.

Original poster
WeeSunhine2018 · 29/04/2018 12:21

My family stay about 40mile drive away and they work and havs their own kids.

I will try to get myself involved with toddler groups more and hopefully speaking to someone will help things. Just hate sitting in silence in the house the minute he walks in the door.

I asked him to move out and he no i should move out and im not taking kids with me. We both own our house.

My 3.5 year old is a mummies boy and anytime i suggest to go to shops with dad he point blank refuses and says no stay with mummy.

Im up in scotland such a big distance from east london but thank you xxxx

Forst time ive posted something on this website and i cant believe the support and advice ive received - thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
WeeSunhine2018 · 29/04/2018 12:24

This was the same behaviour his dad displayed before he left the family home and was cheating for 8 years before he finally moved out.

I think he is just fed up with family life and misses the freedom and excitement we had before. Ive told him my thoughts that i feel you hate being with us and hate ur life but he just says he doesnt.

OP posts:
Original poster
WeeSunhine2018 · 29/04/2018 12:25

Actions speak louder then words x

OP posts:
Bouledeneige · 29/04/2018 12:32

I'm very concerned that you need support - he should see that too rather than criticising. His attitude to you is what is contributing to your struggles staying on top of small DC - which all of us have been through. He is completely unkind and uncaring. I think he should be asking what more he can do for you to help you recover.

You should definitely talk to your HV and GP about how to get more support - its crucial for your DC that you look after your own wellbeing.

When you've got the baby onto a bottle (are you planning to do that at some point?) book in to a spa for a long weekend and leave him looking after the kids on his own for the whole time. Say its because you want to make yourself feel better. Let him see what its really like looking after kids - and build a better relationship with them. You are not getting any help - and most crucially from him.

Big hugs OP. he is not worthy to comment on you.

Original poster
WeeSunhine2018 · 29/04/2018 12:40

Even going food shopping with him majes me feel awful as i look at other women and think i bet he wishes he was with them instead of me x

When he commented on my aplearance abd wearing same clothes all the time loke leggings he said hy dont you wear jeans for a change.

I said i dont feel comfortable as my tummy still soft and flabby... he said well that your fault for not losing weight... he said plenty other mums lose all their baby weight after baby arrives so your just lazy x

OP posts:
Ryder63 · 29/04/2018 12:42

I can picture you, OP, tired with DC on you constantly. Try to get baby onto a bottle for some feeds, take your other DC to playgroup, and help them gain some independent but safe fun away from you.Then use the time to consider if you actually want to stay in this awful relationship or whether you'd actually feel better without that horrible selfish man putting you down. Look after yourself Flowers

Original poster
WeeSunhine2018 · 29/04/2018 12:47

Thank you for all your support xSmile

OP posts:
SinkGirl · 29/04/2018 12:47

How fucking dare he talk to you like that? Those other mums who manage to go to the gym and do hair and make up probably have partners who pull their bloody weight. The actual nerve of it. My twins are 19 months and I’ve worn make up about five times since they were born. My DH loves me anyway! What a misogynist he is.

Ryder63 · 29/04/2018 12:47

Even going food shopping with him majes me feel awful as i look at other women and think i bet he wishes he was with them instead of me

he said well that your fault for not losing weight... he said plenty other mums lose all their baby weight after baby arrives so your just lazy

You are being sucked into only thinking of what HE wants, what HE says. Take courage and stand up for yourself! why does he treat you like this? Because he's allowed to. Take advice from MN and put a stop to it - whatever it takes.

letsdolunch321 · 29/04/2018 12:59

Hi there

1 Call your HV tomortow morning, tell her you are struggling and would like to see her. HV’s are used to mums struggling - ask her of any help you can can be given. Also tell her of your home situation.

  1. Speak to your doctor regards the PND there is help Out there if you tell your foctor of the situation.
  1. If your partner is being such a cock - stop cooking or foing anything for him, let him fend for himself. You have two babies to look after.

Do things that will help you, put you & the children first.

Please call your HV tomorrow

letsdolunch321 · 29/04/2018 13:11

There are home start groups for Scotland

I feel invisible to him :(
Original poster
WeeSunhine2018 · 29/04/2018 17:21

Ok got some pretty good advice from you all thank you x

Hes just rerurbed from worl at 4pm... let the silence begin.. invisible mode has officially been turned on again x Confused

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 29/04/2018 18:03

Tell your HV that he wants you to move out and that and not take the children. My ex treated me like crap and I left him in the end. I also lived in silence and without support (practical or emotional). Yours sounds really really cruel at such a vulnerable time. He sounds like he's enjoying watching you flounder. Is there anyone who will come round and support? I doubt he will dare be such a cunt in front of someone who will stick up for you x

bastardkitty · 29/04/2018 18:05

Can you try really hard not to show him how much he's getting to you? Just ignore him and leave him to it. Don't bother with him. Don't wait for him. Don't acknowledge him. You will never forgive him for this anyway. How could you ever trust or respect him again?

greenlanes · 29/04/2018 18:17

Do you get on with his mum? Could you invite her round for some company and to perhaps keep toddler occupied. It certainly doesnt help with your twat of a partner but will help you start to enjoying company again. If his mum can see that you are working hard and being a good mum then she may be able to speak to her son. I do wonder if the impact of his dad's behaviour is coming out now or was he always "particular" about how you looked?

Nanny0gg · 29/04/2018 18:45

And whilst you're ignoring him I hope that includes not cooking, washing or clearing up after him either.

Then you might (if your children ever sleep at the same time) have a bit of time for you.

Original poster
WeeSunhine2018 · 29/04/2018 18:53

His mum is very teo faced which i only realised a week ago.
She tells me what i want to hear to my face but when i seen texts from her on his phone shes all for her son saying i should do more when he gets home from work so he can relax after work so I'm now ignoring her texts and calls now. WITCH x

He says he hates his dad for how he broke up his famiky but i think hes feeling how his dad felt with being in a boring repetitive life and wanted a bit of excitement.

I just need more proof. I dont think he has cheated but i think hes very much on the verge of it..

Got a gut feeling from all the signs hes showing me now.

OP posts:
Mousefunky · 29/04/2018 19:02

Good advice from pp’s. Definitely get in touch with your HV and explain that you’re struggling, she can point you in the direction of mum and baby/toddler groups so then hopefully you won’t feel so excluded.

Your OH is an absolute tosspot and I agree, it certainly sounds suspicious with regards to the woman at work. He could quite easily be deleting her messages as soon as he receives them hence you not finding anything on his phone. I would try to get the phone when he isn’t looking and if he has WhatsApp or fb messenger, try getting into his ‘archived messages’.

You deserve better than this. Most mother’s of newborns wear leggings and don’t have the energy for make up, you are completely normal.

ghostbusters · 29/04/2018 19:24

Sounds like you're having a really tough time of it just now.
Any chance you're in the NE of Scotland? That's where I'm based and would happily meet up with you for a coffee and chat and some company. I have a similar age gap though my kids are 6 and 3. Youngest was refluxy, I felt like I always smelled of puke. On more than 1 occasion I ended up stuck at home because the last pair of clean trousers had been puked on.

You have done nothing wrong here except be an excellent, caring mother. Other mums that your DP sees almost certainly have supportive partners/local family /sleeping babies so they have the time to put in some effort with their appearance.

I hope you're OK x