I feel invisible to him :(

[WeeSunhine2018]

Hi folks

Im new to this site so bear with me.

Been with my partner 7.5 years and have 3 year old boy and 4 month old boy.

Noticed weird behaviour in my oartner over the last month... he comes home from work and goes straight to the kids and i dont even get any eye contact .
At night after dinner he just sits om his phone all night and we sit in silence and doesn't ask how i am ever or how my day was.

Hes started workkng with new girl at work and since this has been dressing better , eating better and doing gym.

Had a big argument over a week ago and he threw in that he doesnr come near me as i dont make any effort with my appeareance and look a mess in his words.

I told him im looking after two youbg kids, all hoise hold duties, food shop etc on yop of breast feeding a very hungry 4 month old.

Ive got PND this time and feel so alone right now. Am i looking into things too much cause of my illness.

Any advice?

Thanks peeps x

I have doctor already scheduled for tuesday to speak with her and i will call HV first thing tomorrow.

Just so down about the way hes acting towards me. I genually feel right noe that this is all my fault for not showing him enough attention or making effort with my appearance but i honestly thought our love was stronger then this. Hes never said anything before thsts why im so sure its about this women at work thats just joined and he works with her everyday abd they car share back and forth to work.

He said im just being jelous and when he shared with a guy i didn't mind it. Thats because all the pieces of the puzzle have now came together with his changes in behaviour.

Sitting looking up hotels to stay in for a night or two to get a break from the silence

Ive no family or friends to fall back on with two young kids so gotta do it alone x

Hi, I'm so sorry you're going through such a tough time. Your DP sounds like a prize twat! I lived in leggings for about 6 months post baby, they were so comfy and easy to wash and dry :)

I wonder about your friends, please please reach out to them, all you need to say is that your having a rough time and that you need them, I can bet that they will be there to help out and support you. Now that the days are getting nicer get out and about with the buggy, call a pal and meet at the park for a big walk...it does wonders and when I was struggling with PND it helped.

Also I second what everyone else has said above re speaking to Gp and HV. Xx

@WeeSunshine2018 have you watched Breaking Bad? Where Walt is being really secretive and sketchy and his wife Skylar is sick of asking him what's going on? She gives up and she meets him with a similar level of non-communication. She isn't rude but she stops trying and when he comes home she just says she's going out. Walt asks where she's going and she just says bye. No information. It puts the boot right on the other foot. Stop talking to him and stop waiting him to notice you. Just carry on as if he doesn't exist. Don't be there when he gets home (hard, I know, in your situation). If he asks you where anything is just say 'I don't know'. Cut him dead and take back your power.

What a shit! So sorry op xx I hope the HV can offer you some advice and support.

Good advice Kitty
Think im gunna book a hotel for me and kids to stay and leave a note for him.

Yes i remember skye being like that witg walt...good idea x

Ive waited til i got into my bedroom to have a good cry so he doesnt see me upset x

Can you go away and stay with falling for a week or so? That's what I'd do. Your partner is being horrible...you aren't getting any support from him and I wouldnt put up with it.

You've got a baby and a toddler all day...when do you relax?
I'm not sure you've got PND...he's probably causing you're depression with his nastiness.

@bastardkitty

Excellent post. I like not being there when he gets home especially.

Let him come home to an empty house.

You could also try joining some local parent and baby/toddler groups and meet other SAH parents.

At the moment you don't have any adult company. Get out there and carry on with your life.

Many years ago my DH was annoying me... moaning about nonsense and clearly not realising how difficult having a baby at home was.

I packed a bag ...some stuff for the baby and I just left the house for a hotel. He started phoning several hours later.

I ignored his calls (until one text said he was going to call my mum) so eventually told him I wasn't coming home that night.. that he'd upset me and I wasn't having it...but I would bring DD home to see him after work the next day.

He was shocked. Kept asking where I was. I didn't tell him ...but because he was (is) a bit suspicious...I didn't want him to think I was with another man...so I told him where I was..
But I was staying there.

Be strong.

I'm so sorry you're being treated like this, he sounds like a bastard!
What was he like when your other son was a baby? Does he ever spend any time with either of them?

He spends very little time with kids. Most alone time he gets is when i go for a 5 minute shower and even then he shouts me to hurry as 4 month old crying.

Its as if i express my concerns and they go in one ear and straight out the other - so frustrating.
On his days off work he likes to clean his car or do the gym where im run ragged after two young kids.

Think shock to system is whats required meantime. If that doeany work then ill hage to look into something more drastic and leave him. Lifes too short to be this unhappy.

With my other son as a baby he would pass him over to me the minure he cried.

Myself and my 3 year old have an amazing bond and we are very close. My partner hates that and says he doesn't feel part of family as my 3 year old wants to be with me constantly and gets so upset when i leave for work

When he leaves for work my boy couldn't care less.

I think he resents me sometimes

My ex was like this OP. It won't get better, I'm afraid.

Hey OP. I’m very sorry to hear of your plight. You’ve got good advice from pp.

fwiw, I think your hubby is a total dick and nothing you can do or say will change his behaviour. The only thing likely to to that is him wanting to change.

This is really all about boundaries and respect. He appears super selfish and lacks empathy and respect for you. He should be nurturing you and valuing your contributions. So many partners...both genders tbh...fail in this most simple task.

I like the idea from op of just ignoring him and getting on with your own life...after all, he’s not engaging with you...quite the opposite and it’s clearly distressing for you. Maybe don’t even do his washing? Don’t cook?

Anyway...all the best.

How are you, OP? Was your HV helpful?

I spoke with HV and explained full story.. she agrees hes wrong and offered to soeak to him or suggested couples counselling which i will try and approach with him but i think i already know my answer.

Was so nice to get it off my chest and have a good cry.

Seeing CPN tomorrow so will see how that goes.

I just feel like i have the world on my shoulders right now. He honestly cant see how he has offended me

What a nasty person he is saying those things. He has absolutely no respect for you and that's not your fault. Being a mum is exhausting and you deserve and need a break too. I'm gobsmacked at how awful he is to you. I'm afraid I agree that if he hasn't cheated already he may be paving the way. You are well rid of him if he does. I hope you are doing OK xx

Hi OP I know you jointly own the house but I once knew someone who had her own place her arsewipe DH knew nothing about, she did it up bit by bit and added furnishings whenever she could afford with the end goal of saying "see ya!" When it was done.

Could you afford to rent a small place? I'd love to see his face when you say I've got somewhere to go, oh and BTW we're selling the house to get my equity- sort yourself out ! 👌🏻

You're stronger than you think, promise !

I'm reading this and getting furious on your behalf, Weesunhine.... he sounds AWFUL!

So, not help with the house or babies, direct criticisms of your appearance, the silent treatment, blaming it all on you... and on top of it all he said YOU should move out with the babies?!

Fuck that.

NONE of this is your fault. It is not your fault he is a selfish, lazy, arsehole of a man-child. I'm not surprised your DS doesn't want to spend time with him.

Could you text a friend with what you've told us? It would explain why you keep cancelling and I really think you need some real life support right now. Very glad you spoke to HV.

Not sure what practical help I can offer but keep talking to us.

I saw CPN yesterday but they couldnt provide me with any advice that i haven't tried already.

They just kept saying ' so what needs to happen for u to feel better and what changes are you going to make for it to happen'. I was like

I said if i knew the answer to that then i wouldn't be asking for your help.

I left their feeling like it was a waste of time for me. Nothing productive happened.

They suggested an agency called healthy valleys and they come for a chat but im sure about it all. Id feel so sad as if someone getting paid to be my friend. I know they probably ment well but i dont think im ready at the moment.

I seem to be in my wee bubble right now and i dont want to come out x

How the feck does this wankstain know how other mothers cope? Somehow, I doubt he is an authority on child rearing. I feel so angry on your behalf. And OP, you are doing amazing given all of that is going on with your baby and young child. Please don’t let this shitgibbon convince you otherwise. I don’t want to add more upset but you know that he has emotionally checked out. Whether he physically is cheating is another question but he’s already betrayed you in so many ways. This is a time when a man shows what he is made of. Yours is made of spite and nastiness. He lacks even basic empathy to not only show zero support but to also attack you when you are so vulnerable and exhausted. I can imagine that right now it’s hard to even have the energy to argue or really pull him up about his behaviour.

He's behaving like a cock. I had a bit of this from mine when dd was little. I couldn't see the wood for the trees. There was no potential ow but I got told I was lazy and not as "together" as other mums. I also had pnd and he didn't accept my diagnosis.

To cut a long story short he got better once I stopped worrying what he thought of me. I knew that I could leave and raise dd without his bullshit. It would be harder in lots of ways but easier on me and my self esteem.

I stayed. But his realisation (not just empty threats) that I could and would do this made him sorry for how he had been and grateful for what he has. He still has his moments occasionally but I am stronger now and they are few and far between.

You sound like a brilliant mum! Good luck op

Just read the whole thread - my son had reflux and it was horrible. I felt so sad for him and felt awful to always have sick on me, the constant fight to try and stay clean while caring for a hungry baby. Mine is 2 now but you just don't forget the feeling. It's really not hard to understand and empathise.

I like the advice from some mums to ignore him.

I'd totally hang out with you in my leggings if I lived near you!

What an absolute cock he is. Will keep an eye on the thread. Sending you and your little ones lots of love. xxx

Thanks very much for all your support ladies it honestly means the world to me that people can see my point of view and some have experienced similar issues.

I cant speak to other mums when im doing the nursery run as they stand in little cleeky groups and i feel like a bit of a lemon just standing there with my 3 year old and baby in a car seat for conversation.

Do you think i should try to do my make up and maybe my partner will see me making some effort and maybe be supprtove of me then.
But then on other hand i think y should i let you bully me into doing things and at certain way just because you go out your way to make me feel as if im not a good enough human being x

OP, I think your partner needs to make the effort to do some parenting, then you will have time to do make-up but only if that’s your priority at that moment. You might want to have a bath, lie down, go for a run, pop to the shops... Somehow he needs to work out that he’s being selfish because he’s not changed his life even though you have 2 children.

Op he's obviously a wanker but you know that.

From another point of view I met two of my closest friends at the local toddler group.
I know they can be cliquey but some aren't and I just used to make idle conversation about babies which obviously led onto more stuff.
To address your point about not feeling confident to meet other mums (and not to please your idiot dp) when I was on mat leave I stopped trying to dress how I used to and bought a few nice casual bits on line sweatshirts and black jeans and some nice combats which I could wash and not iron and made me feel trendy.
Bit of face tanner kept by your bed to slap on and night so you only need a splodge of mascara (kept in nappy bag ) at least if you feel better you can be less isolated.
The summer will soon be here so hopefully you can get out more.

The less isolated you are the more your confidence will increase.

Ignore the fucker back and rebuild your life with your kids until you feel able to make the next move. Don't let him grind you down he sounds like a waste of space anyway not someone you need to hang onto at all.