Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Do husbands end up marrying the OW? Does it last?

133 replies

LiteraryDevil · 27/04/2018 20:04

Just that really. There's been a fair bit on here about affairs and I wonder if husbands who leave their wives for the OW end up staying with her/marrying her and if it lasts.

OP posts:

Josuk · 27/04/2018 20:07

Strange question.
What are you hoping to hear?
And, more importantly - how will it help you?

There isn’t an answer really.
Some go on to marry OW. Some don’t.

SandyY2K · 27/04/2018 20:11

Some do marry the OW and it lasts...others never intend to leave and they don't.

Some leave and split up later.

A former colleague was the OW. He left his wife and kids...they've been together for 6 years and will be getting married. Will it last? Who knows. They're well suited. Both into the same thing and they won't be having kids...so less stress in their lives.

AngryCasper · 27/04/2018 20:11

It’s not a one rule fits all situation. I know of many affairs that haven’t lasted, but I also know of a fair few where they have gone on to marry and are still together years on. Just like any other relationship minus the terrible deceit and betrayal at the beginning.

Calmingvibrations · 27/04/2018 20:18

The ones I know about
Yes, but ended in divorce many many years later
No - cheater cheated again
No - relationship was off and on for a few years then ended
No - cheater stayed with original partner
No - cheater arranged to leave OH but affair partner did u turn at last min and didn’t leave their OH. Cheaters no longer together but can’t remember if it ended there.

Given how common place affairs are (according to the stats) I must know many people who have had them / with someone who has. Either they’ve kept it quiet and not confided in friends or affair had remained secret.

Given my age and the number of people I can think of, my list should be much longer. Leads me to believe a lot of cheaters don’t leave / get thrown out / remains secret.

WeepingButterfli · 27/04/2018 20:49

I've known of affairs which turned out to be soul mates and married happily ever after. I've known ones where they don't leave original partners too. Could go either way I guess.

Mousefunky · 27/04/2018 20:56

Sometimes it lasts, sometimes it doesn’t. A friend of mine was the OW for about six months before he left his wife. I didn’t think he ever would leave his wife but he did and they’re still together four years down the line, happy by all accounts.

user1471530109 · 27/04/2018 21:01

As the ex wife of someone who left me for the OW. I can't decide if I should be happy they are still together 4 years later or not. I mean, in theory he didn't throw out marriage away for nothing?
But I also wish them both the same pain they caused the DC and me. I know that's not really a healthy way of looking at it. We've moved on and are very happy(ish). But I will always remember that awful pain .

Clutterbugsmum · 27/04/2018 21:02

Yes and no.

I worked with someone who was the OW he left his wife and 5 children to marry her, had 4 kids her and then left her for another OW.

MarshaBradyo · 27/04/2018 21:03

Some do

Gingersmum100 · 27/04/2018 21:07

I do think the type of person who cheats will go on to cheat again

RockinRobinTweets · 27/04/2018 21:08

Sometimes
Not usually

Zoflorabore · 27/04/2018 21:11

My dad has married the ow.

Married to my dm for 35 years.

He looks miserable

HadronCollider · 27/04/2018 21:24

I know maybe two couples (one closely) where both were cheaters who left their respective partners to be together and are decades in, and very happy, but I think that is relatively rare.

Sometimes the man never intended to leave his wife but gets caught out and subsequently ends up staying with the OW by default, not really out of choice in the truest sense of the word, (sometimes the OW, feeling insecure gets pregnant very quickly) and the man settles into another family and they end up together in the long term. I think this is more common, and assumptions are wrongly made that they fall into the category above, when in fact its just settling.

Some just go to the OW again by default and it doesn't last more than a few years at most.

Some choose the OW genuinely, but the stress from all the fallout scuppers any chance of happiness.

I have never seen it where a man got caught out and didn't attempt to go back to his wife and breakup with the OW and choose to be on his own. I'm sure it happens, just never seen it.

sosickofthisshit · 27/04/2018 21:26

My dad married his OW, they've been married for 13 years now

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/04/2018 21:26

Sometimes they leave and marry the OW and it lasts, sometimes they leave and marry the OW and it doesn't last. Sometimes they don't leave and carry on with the OW and that lasts.

You never can tell.

I'm just glad that the bollocks 'when a man marries his mistress...' trope hasn't raised its ugly - and stupid - head, here yet.

MexicanBob · 27/04/2018 21:27

My ex-FIL did and stayed with the OW for nearly 20 years until he died.

flamingnoravera · 27/04/2018 21:27

Mine did. First, now miserable after 20 years with her but still married to her. No idea about the second (no kids- I couldn't- he got someone else knocked up) . I'm not interested in either of them. They are both too far in the past to care about.

Beware the "karma will get them/once a cheater" platitudes. It doesn't work like that. You have to trust that things will get better for you and you will feel better and it won't all be reliant on how your ex and the OW fare.

And, you can still have a great gloat when or if it does all go pear shaped. Just don't base your recovery from the hurt on this happening. Your recovery is your job. It's hard, it's painful and it does get better.

lavendargreen · 27/04/2018 21:41

How does that saying go.....

'When a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy.'

I know several instances where a man has left his wife for his OW, and it's all worked out well, and lasted well.

But I know many more where it has gone very badly, and either he OR the OW has regretted it.

I know one 'OW' who practically begged the wife (her man had left for her,) to take him back, as now she had got him, she couldn't stand him.

The wife told her to fuck off.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/04/2018 21:57

Really lavendargreen, because men are 'belongings' are they? To be passed back and forth? OW could have kicked him out/left him. No fuss, no drama - and no intervention from ex-wife.

I'm baffled at that bit and studiously ignoring your 'marries his mistress' nonsense

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/04/2018 22:02

Ime it rarely lasts.

Of the ones I know (sadly, quite a few), the ones who ended up with OW only did it because the wife found out and chucked them out and all of them tried to get the wife to have them back, while keeping the OW sweet for when/if the wife tells him to sod off.

One of them is still with the OW, basically because she got PG almost immediately and he cant afford to leave but I can well imagine he hasnt been faithful to her, the ex wife is sure he has cheated on OW. Every first wife has found someone else and is happy.

CheeseRollingChampion · 27/04/2018 22:04

Variable here, just as with any relationship. Some they partners never left and they worked it out, others did leave and went on to be happier, others left and everything fell apart, some are serial cheats.

As a general rule though the OW/OM I know often appear more insecure than most, presumably due to the circumstances surrounding their initial relationship. I suspect that's the biggest hit relationships that start off as affairs take. They are founded upon deceit which makes it harder to fully trust. Also some are held together by the excitement and the forbidden nature and can't hack it once that vanishes. Those two things seem to be the killers of affair relationships from what I've seen.

rumred · 27/04/2018 22:06

My dad cheated on my mum. He married the main ow. They've been married decades. He's still cheating at 79 and they hate each other. It's miserable although I'm sure lots see it as a 'success' because they've been together so long and pretend it's all OK

lavendargreen · 27/04/2018 22:22

No, it rarely lasts.

lavendargreen · 27/04/2018 22:22

No, it rarely lasts.

lavendargreen · 27/04/2018 22:22

@rumred

He married the MAIN 'OW'?

Great to know they are miserable though LOL. Serves the pair of them right. I guess your mum would never have had him back. I fucking wouldn't.

@pyongyang

Oh yeah, I know a number of men who cheated on their wife, then begged her to have him back, and then only went to the OW when he knew he had properly fucked it up with the wife. Must be a bummer for the mistress to know she is the lame second choice......... And as I said, I also know instances where the OW begged the wife to have him back, when she realise what a fucking loser he was. Trouble is, by then, the wife he left has realised she is better off without him.

It's a case of 'be careful what you wish for.......' (For the cheating twat of a man AND the mistress.)

I also know a few wives who, although they were upset initially, their husband leaving them was the best thing that happened to them......

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread