Do husbands end up marrying the OW? Does it last?

[LiteraryDevil]

Just that really. There's been a fair bit on here about affairs and I wonder if husbands who leave their wives for the OW end up staying with her/marrying her and if it lasts.

The sad thing is, I am not sure the OW realise they're second choice, or if they suspect then they convince themselves otherwise.

I have a friend who was an OW and when the wife found out (after several years of "He will definitely leave when......... excuse....excuse...") she was dumped and ghosted so fast her head span. Then when the wife decided that they couldnt make it work, he was on her doorstep with his suitcase and she took him back. We couldnt talk her into ending the affair and couldnt talk her out of taking him in ("He had to try and make it work for the kids but realised he loved me too much" ). Needless to say she was devastated and shocked when he cheated on her within a year and left for the second OW :(

OMG what a fool that woman was @pyong taking the cheating cunt back.

Once a cheating cunt, always a cheating cunt.

Can't help feeling that 'mistress' got what she deserved though......

My ex-H left me for the OW. She left her husband. It lasted a few years but then he left her. Apparently she had massive trust issues . Ex-H now with someone else and they seem very happy and have just got engaged but I think there may have been overlap between her and the OW. Oh, and new fiancée was engaged to someone else - think she had some overlap with my ex there too.

I think if you are looking for reassurance that some relationships can work then you just need to ask yourself how much you can trust someone coming into a given situation.

I'm just having one of my usual ponderings as I'm prone to do.

My stbexh left 6 years ago for the OW. She had 3 kids already (unplanned) and they went on to have another 2 (unplanned) kids together. He tells me they were unplanned but who knows. There's talk of marriage from him and my kids say they do mention it but there's lots of arguments and "daddy never smiles any more." My stbexh (still "soon to be" as he's been delaying the divorce from as soon as he was served the papers 6 years ago) looks like death to the point I wondered if he had cancer as he's so grey and gaunt. Apparently OW makes him do lots of housework and jobs at home according to the kids I'd never take him back and am far happier without him that I ever was with him. He's long gone now and I'm glad but I admit that I'm surprised they are still together. He has moved into her place though so nowhere to go and has 4 kids to support plus her other 3 that he now lives with. It sounds a right mess.

So I suppose that's what made the affair threads stand out to me and got me wondering.

Thanks for all the replies. A fair mix there and some great karma!

Look at Camilla

I was OW, him OM and we are still together 9 years on - engaged and have a happy life with our beautiful DD.

OP, I mean this gently, but you come across as if you are still invested in this man.

Why do you give a fuck what he looks like/what his life is like six years later? Have you been doing stuff for yourself in that six years? Building up your confidence?

Please believe me that if you can start focusing on yourself rather than him, your life will be so much happier.

To answer your question, yes of course some do, some don't. Some people will end up far far happier with a second spouse than they were with their first, you see people say this all the time. Never mind that. what about you ?

I think because of the nature of how they got with the OW - all the deceit and sacrifices made, that they probably try harder to make it work and stick at it, only because otherwise the misery and devastation their betrayal caused would have been for nothing.

Yes sometimes.

I know someone who had what appeared to be an exit affair from his wife and two kids, rapidly moved in with ow, had a new baby, left the new setup within two years.

Another lives with ow 5 years since leaving his partner, but looks like death.

Another continues married and living with his third wife, with ow at his beck and call for 23 years. Seems quite happy.

Another left wife of 34 years for ow, lasked 5 mins, wife sensibly refused to take him back, reasonably happy a few girlfriends down the line.

You can't predict the outcome I'm afraid.

That's a bit harsh op!

I can only think of one I know well, my uncle left my aunt for his secretary. My aunt however is very odd (always has been) and must have been hell to live with. The secretary was almost exactly the aunt's age. By all accounts he'd stayed for the kids and he was with the aunt for I think 25 years and now the same with wife 2.
My cousin is not allowed to tell his DM if he visits his dad though. Said cousin now has a baby (which reminds me, yet to see baby, must sort that out!) and I don't know how that will work!
Uncle will I think go to family events on his
own but I think aunt can't even bear to see/hear about uncle solo.

my dad married the OW and they are still married nearly 40 years later....

lavendargreen

as a cheated on wife I am no OW apologist but I felt sorry for her in the end. She believed all the lies, she fell for every last one because she needed them to be true. If they werent then she had to face the fact that she wasted several of the best years of her life on a man who was just using her for a bit on the side shag. I think thats why she took him back, because that "proved" she was right all along. She is in a much better place now, but has serious trust issues. I dont think she will ever trust another man again and says she doesnt trust her own judgement so has never had a LTR since :(

My exH married the OW, he was the OM. They seem blissfully happy as far as FB goes. Karma doesn't always work. OTOH, I'm single, intend to stay that way and am much happier (if poorer) with my life without him.

My XH is now to the OW. They’ve been together about 8 years now and married for nearly 3.

I know two instances where the man and OW have now been together in a happy marriage for far longer than the original marriage lasted. But I think that this must be very rare, and is probably more likely when there are no children or only grown up children involved

Happy only so far as we have children together. Otherwise he is if no interest whatsoever. I was merely explaining how the subject in here was linked to my own experience.

My cheating ex married the OW but the marriage failed within two years. Ended up happy with someone else further down the line.

A serial cheat I know lost his wife and family because of his affairs. Didn't end up with the OW (there were too many) but was so devastated over losing his family he completely changed and stopped his cheating ways for good.

Another serial cheat, my former boss, got found out by his first DW and lost everything. Got remarried but carried on cheating, was just better at hiding it. Had a long term affair (7 years) with my friend. Stayed with his DW. Still together and happy. Or he is, at least.

Another, not a serial cheat, fell in love with an OW at work. Left his DW for her. Felt so guilty he had a breakdown. But stayed with the OW, married her and they had a DC. Still together 20 years later and very happy.

Another, of the serial cheat variety, still with DW of 30 odd years. Has cheated all his married life. DW - a lovely woman - won't divorce him because she loves him too much. Kicked him out on several occasions, when he would then dump the OW and beg DW to give him another chance. She took him back each time. Still together. And happy, at least on FBook.

Finally, both the Dimbleby brothers left their long-term marriages for younger women.

There is no such thing as karma. It’s nonsense. It only really exists in a certain type of Facebook meme and funny YouTube videos

my DF cheated on my DM when she was pregnant with me (already had an older sibling). They split, he married the OW and they were married 21 years. He seemed happy enough. She then cheated on him and we found out she had been on all kinds of dating sites for years. She also screwed him out of every penny he had.

I went out with a guy around 4 years ago. Known him since school but had drifted out of each others social circles. Met up again in our 20s. He had a 7 year old son. No sign of a GF on his facebook etc, I met all his friends and his family. Nobody mentioned one. He had a son but still lived in the house with his son and ex girlfriend. Purely for money reasons he said (both his parents are dead so he had no support). I visited the house before we got involved, several times, and they definitely had separate bedrooms etc. He worked as a self employed writer so from home, he would spend hours in the evenings sat on his bed skyping me when I was working abroad. Also saw him most evenings when I was home. No signs of a GF. I even met his 7 year old son in a social setting with my DC. I accompanied him to pick his son up from school twice and babysat him once. However never met the "ex" GF.

He wanted marriage, kids and to live with me. I wasnt looking for anything so fast and just wanted to take it slowly. He never stayed at mine and I didnt stay at his (my choice). Fast forward 10 months and his "ex girlfriend" found out about us and took his son back to her native european country. My "bf" followed her as he assured me it was his only way to see his son. He would get equal rights to him and then come straight back to england. That was the point I stopped replying to his messages. He deleted his facebook and all social media.

I saw on a mutual friends facebook that they married 3 months later and now have another DC. Since hes gone I found out they were together the whole time. He made her believe he was suffering depression from the death of his mother and thats why he needed his own bedroom and lots of space. Thats also why she never accompanied him anywhere - respecting his boundaries.

So I was the OW. He told his own family and friends they had split (hence nobody warning me) and she worked all the hours god sent providing a home for their DC & him. Thats why she was out so much in the evenings. She suspected he was cheating and went home, he followed her happily. I actually have no idea if she knew about me.

Sometimes but often they cheat again.

I always imagine that any relationship that starts with lies,sneaking around and causing pain to other people can't be a great base for happy ever after
My ex was with the OW for a few years, they didn't marry and he insisted to me that he had made a huge mistake. Ah well never mind you made you bed

Well the statistics on second marriages aren't great, 75% fail. I imagine those second marriages that started as affairs have an even greater failure rate due to guilt, stress, trust issues and a proven ability to cheat.

I only know of one couple - my friends mum was the OW and she’s still with the guy 20 years later. He adopted her kids who were 11 & 17 at the time and they seem very happy to be honest. It can obviously go either way though!