Do husbands end up marrying the OW? Does it last?

[LiteraryDevil]

Just that really. There's been a fair bit on here about affairs and I wonder if husbands who leave their wives for the OW end up staying with her/marrying her and if it lasts.

When I met my dh on a weekend away, he was with his pals and I with mine, I wasn't aware he was living with a lady at the time, he told me a couple of days later, he broke up with her after he came home from meeting me that weekend, he always maintains he wasn't happy with her and would have left wether he had met me or not, I was just the catalyst to make him do it, we are still together 12 years later, he found out in the process that she had been sleeping with a work colleague anyway so he didn't feel too bad. She however stalked me for a while.

There is clearly no one answer here. Affairs are really like any other relationship in that sometimes they work out long term, sometimes they don't. Just like the initial marriage I guess. Sometimes it lasts a lifetime, sometimes it doesn't.

There is no type of relationship that is assured to last or end. Not even the ones which result in marriage.

I have never seen it happen to anyone I know.

Agree with poster above ^ there is no answer to this.

People are all different. I was OW. I was his mistress - this didn't 'create a vacancy' . He was OM , despite being a cheater, I have never cheated again. We've been deliriously happy for 15 yrs. Longer than both out original marriages.

Have many many friends in their second marriage. In fact I don't think I know a single one if DD1 (23) friends who is married to friends father. I don't however know of any of those second marriages failing. Most are ten years in now.
Interestingly none of them have children with the second partner. I think this is a major factor towards the relationship lasting. In The second marriage the couple tend to have a lot more time for themselves. Children are older, and they go to other parent EOW leaving plenty of adult time.
It's often the stress of child rearing, disconnection from each other and hyperfocus on children to the detriment of the adult relationship that kills the first marriage.

Contrary to popular belief dcs rarely bring a couple closer together in the early years. More like a hand grenade that blows it all up.

In my experience a few do last.

But the original relationship probably wasn't right or healthy to begin with and they probably regret the way the breakup happened.

In hindsight I don't think any of the ones that have ended up working out for the long haul are proud of how they came about and would possibly turn back time and go about leaving in a different way.

It's the ones who don't care about the destruction their actions caused that go on to do it again and again rather than learning a lesson from it

Have a fair few friends on second marriages now. Have known a few with OW/OM who married their mistress and seem (to an outsider) to be better suited than they were in their first marriage. I think I knew a few people who settled down very quickly and realised their first husband/wife was not for them.

At the other end, there are despotic leaders like Stalin and predatory criminals like Jack the Ripper who got to the end of their lives without any particularly dire consequences.

Has some information come to light about Jack the Ripper's identity recently?

If not, how on earth can anyone say he got to the end of his life unscathed? For all we know, he could have been put balls first into a meat grinder after an argument with another psychopath.

I agree with the article that karma is a moronic platitude, but Jack the Ripper seems a silly example.

I agree BadLad. I just lifted that from Psychology Today and wondered the same thing myself! Haha

northernlights0710

The belief that what goes around comes around is just wishful thinking.

I 100% agree with this. The idea of karma/ what goes around comes around is a social construct designed so that all of us dealing with shitty treatment can feel better about it.

I know of plenty of people (men usually but not exclusively) who are total shits and have lived long happy and healthy lives.

One stand out candidate (prob a psychopath narcissist) who cheats on his wife and generally conducts living his life as an exercise entirely for his benefit without any guilt to the roadkill of humans he tramples over emotionally, financially and professionally. He comes with a heavy dose of charm and cunning. He is fairly old now and has got away with this for years. I can't see anything disrupting it karma-wise. He has everything - healthy children, to the outside world happy family, lots of money, great lifestyle. Karma would have seen him struck down in a painful way in the prime of his life. He's totally evil.

Sometimes things will catch up with a person (Max Clifford, Rolf Harris) but if you think about how long that took to come out, they were unlucky. As others have said - Jimmy Savile and lots of other examples of karma free living.

I hink when i comes o cheaing spouses here is a cerain amoun of "wha goes around, comes around" hough.

Of course a lot of bad people get away with bad behaviour (I know someone very similar to the guy Cheers describes above) but cheaters do often end up getting a bit of their own back. The MM who realises that leaving his wife, just as they were getting their life back as the kids have grown up, for the younger woman who wants babies of her own was a mistake but his wife has moved on. The serial MM who cheats and cheats until the day no one wants him anymore and he ends up alone. The couple who both left marriages to be together and have no trust in each other and resentful kids but stay together rather than admit they fucked up 2 families for nothing. It happens so I can see why people say that.

Some might also say that people who stick in their unhappy marriages are getting some sort of 'pay back' for whatever. The married person who cheats, leaves their marriage and finds relationship number 2 is unhappy - doesn't mean that marriage no. 1 was 'meant to be' or happy.

People generally move towards pleasure and away from pain but if they don't sort out what was lacking in their life beforehand then stay or leave, they're not going to be happy. They can though 'stick it out' and be bored/unhappy and hide it for fear of losing their children/money/reputation. Is that better than fucking up two families? Being fake? I think not - better two families end-as-they-know-it, regroup and live on in truth with the chance to find happiness/contentment.

Bandying the word 'karma' around really is distasteful and you'd have to be very dim not to see the disparity in consequences... what did the children of a failed marriage ever do to deserve the same consequences that the left parent experiences?

People are not perfect - not the betrayer and not the betrayed - and shit happens sometimes.

If 75% of second marriages fail, and some are awful, and some plod along no better than the original, and some are a tiny little bit better than the original but not better enough to justify the pain they caused, I wonder what tiny % are happy and enduring enough to have made the affair worthwhile.*

I've read those stats before. Jowever in my experience most of those I know in 2nd marriages seem to be much happier than those in 1st, whether or not infidelity was involved. Perhaps they learn from the first marriage what they don't want from a relationship.

Been in my 1st marriage for over 20 years though and I don't plan to test out my theory

I didnt mention "Karma", which I personally dont believe is the same as "What goes around, comes around". You treat people like shit then eventually you should expect to be treated like shit yourself, or at best, end up alone because people get sick of it.

People always think that they've learnt enough from their first marriages to make the second one work, when all they've really learned is how to divorce. 75% end up in divorce so, anecdotes aside, they are not great odds.

Not in my personal experience. I was the OW - told that i was his soul mate and that his wife didn't understand him - total cliche that I fell for hook, line and sinker. Anyway 12 years on and he has walked out on me in favour of his next victim partner. Our divorce papers are not yet dry yet they are getting married this summer with their 8 combined children as witnesses.

Pyong the "what goes around comes around" is intentionally meant as the same thing in my book and in most people's.

I dislike it as a term, it's a meaningless platitude that bears no relation to reality. Plenty of people end up alone because people have treated them like shit though. Doesn't stack up as any sort of maxim to me.

I didnt mention "Karma", which I personally dont believe is the same as "What goes around, comes around"

Personally I'd use those interchangeably but I think we are talking about the same thing - if you behave badly, you will get your just desserts in the end. Bad behaviour ultimately will come back to bite you in the ass - that's the theory under discussion.

Whatever you call it - I don't believe it is true. I think sometimes it may happen by chance but it doesn't follow at all and there are far more examples of people behaving badly and getting away with it.

The serial MM who cheats and cheats until the day no one wants him anymore and he ends up alone.

For everyone like this there are dozens who do cheat and cheat and don't end up alone - whether because their wife turns a blind eye and puts up with it until he is too old or infirm to pull any more, or because they cycle through women or because in the later stages of life they have stacks of cash and can attract a younger women.

Kirk Douglas, Tony Curtis, Alan Clarke, Cecil Parkinson are just a few examples off the top of my head but there will be hundreds more and these are only ones we know about because they are in the public eye.

What goes around comes around is a total myth.

Lorry. Good riddance to bad rubbish! Pity the woman he's with now.

My mum left for the OM, they are still together but I don't speak to them. They are both born liars.

Wow, thanks all for the replies! Lots of interesting experiences, thank you for sharing. I'm quite heartened to read that most people think having an affair is unacceptable.

I know one who was married. Got divorced. Met another woman, didn’t marry but had kids and multiple affairs. He met and married one of the OW.
Good luck on that one!

Yeah my stbexh is not allowed to do much on his own except go to work from what I can gather so I guess his new gf is very insecure. After all he was sneaking around with her whilst we were trying to conceive so it's no surprise she doesn't trust him.

Whilst you were trying to conceive??! No shit she's insecure.

On old friend (who is no longer in my life for other reasons) had an affair with a married man for years.

He has since left his wife, they've married, and they have been together for years. I think his ex had her own life too and it seemed to be an "open secret".

On the other hand, after he got together with my friend full-time, he used to come on to me whenever I found myself alone with him. So, I think he wouldn't have said no to another bit on the side.

As far as I know my df had never cheated on my dm before he met ow. They’ve been married more than 10 years now and dm is remarried - both much better suited to their current partners than each other!