Do husbands end up marrying the OW? Does it last?

[LiteraryDevil]

Just that really. There's been a fair bit on here about affairs and I wonder if husbands who leave their wives for the OW end up staying with her/marrying her and if it lasts.

My ex married the ow. So far as I know they are happy though I agree with some pp that he looks thin, grey and stressed. I hope they do stay together for no other reason than the appalling mess and pain they caused for our 2 DCs who still miss their dad and have to deal with missing out on stuff on his weekends etc. Let's hope 'soulmates' is worth it..personally I don't think any amount of that sort crap is a reason to devastate your own children but I know others feel differently.

My dad left my mum for the OW 28 years ago. They have just celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary and are very happy. TBH I can't see how my parents were ever together and even my mum admits that dad and step mum were meant to be.

The only other man I know who left for the other woman married her and seemed happy. Sadly, she passed away a few years later.

I do think some men end up with the OW because the wife finds out, rather than wanting to leave the marriage for her. Those relationships never seem quite so happy.

In my mum and dads case - dad was the cheater. Proposed to the ow after a few months. Never married though thank fully. Dad was with her a few years, never happy in that time. Now they've split, she's gone (probably to see who else's marriage she can wreck) and he's still miserable.

Mum however has met a lovely guy and they've been together years. She's done more with him - travelling, nice days out, spending quality time together- than she ever did with my dad. She's living her life now. They don't live together which is great, she still has her own space but a lovely partner to go with it.

Sometimes yes and sometimes no.

A friend’s husband left her and married the OW. 10 years on they have three children and seem really happy, though you can’t tell what goes on behind closed doors. My friend now says they got together too young and were too different and he did have a lot more in common with the OW. She is happily married now too.

Another couple, he married the other woman and they divorced a few years later as he cheated again.

A friend of a friend met up with the one who got away and ended up in an affair. They married and do genuinely seem blissfully happy 15 years later. They never had children and are always jetting off to exciting places and exploring together.

There is no real way of telling.

A colleague of my DH is married to the OW. They have 3 dcs, finish each other's sentences, have a great rapport, and treat each other with a huge amount of respect. I feel a small pang of envy when I see them as relationships are so rarely like that. They are meant to be. Neither have openly admitted to the affair, but doing the dates when they were taking about life made it blindingly honest so I guess there is a bit of shame over how they got together.

My exH admitted he had no intention of staying with OW, she was just an exit affair. I feel for her as he used her. Not a very honourable man at any level.

Yes, fil left mil for OW, they married and had 39 happy years together until her death.
Mil also remarried and was blissfully happy.

I married the OM, we have been married happily for 20 yrs, my ex (who I cheated on) remarried and is very happy but two friends one who had an affair and one who was cheated on both remarried and are now divorced...
and no it’s not true once a cheater always a cheater!

FIL married the OW. They have three kids together and are wonderfully happy. But I think that they aren't really the norm in this situation.

For background, MIL was having several affairs while FIL fell in love with the OW. She treated him like shit like she treats everyone else so I don't really blame him for leaving her.

Oh. And they've been together for twenty years now! So I'd like to think it'll last.

I disagree with Pyong that a spouse is the 1st choice. If that were true, there would be no other choice, they would be the only and frequently they are not. They ought to be, they're entitled to be, but they aren't.

This karma nonsense is a disservice to a cheated on spouse too, I'm surprised that women keep perpetuating it because it's nothing short of a long-acting and insidious poison that diverts someone from finding their own way through without waiting for some sort of ethereal 'thing' to smite their cheating partner, noses pressed up against the glass of their ex-partner's life in anticipation. Urgh.

My mum left my dad for a married man. They married and were together for the rest of their lives. My OH's ex cheated on him, married her lover and still together after 10 years.

My very good friend's husband had an affair and left her a year ago for her. It didn't work out after 3 months. He tried to beg my friend to start again, the anger and hurt killed all the love she had for him.

@Guavaf1sh

There is no such thing as karma.

Oh you could not be more wrong... there most certainly is.....

karma could be from past lives if you believe that and the person cheated on could also be said to have deserved being cheated on because of their own karma.

Its pointless really and you could justify anything by that concept.

In my opinion the reality is that there would have been several signs and patterns of behaviour that we either are oblivious to or choose to ignore. Thats my 2 cents on it anyway.

So far in my experience it has but I do wonder about some of the quality of the relationships.

My brother is a horribly narcissistic cheater and his second wife was the OW and so far they’ve been together about 12 years, but she turns a blind eye to his ways, they went on a contiki tour not long after they were married and it was “open season” for him to shag the other tourists but unsure whether she had the same “permission”.

FIL had an affair and has been married for 18 years to the OW and had two children out of it, so far they’re going strong.

My exH married the OW and so far they’re still together (although only married for a year and a half at this stage I doubt it’ll last) but I do get a chuckle when she announces their third “anniversary” together on Instagram despite the fact that we haven’t even been separated/divorced for three years..

The first Mrfairy left me for OW. They stayed together for 10 years and had two children. I heard they split up after she cheated on him. Two colleagues at work left their respective partners and 7 years down the line are still together with a child. Their reputations are in tatters though.

Just because they stay together, or even appear happy, doesn't mean they are. How many posts on here are from people saying their marriage looks fine to the outside world, but isn't?

If 75% of second marriages fail, and some are awful, and some plod along no better than the original, and some are a tiny little bit better than the original but not better enough to justify the pain they caused, I wonder what tiny % are happy and enduring enough to have made the affair worthwhile.

My xh says he's disappointed by his new life. Living with ow isn't what he expected, and he hates her kids. He says the affair was the biggest regret of his life, and he has thought about suicide. Yet he's still there, and she's still posting happy photos on social media.

Yes. My ex is now married to the woman he left me for.

And I’m pretty sure she’s getting the same treatment as you only take yourself to the relationship.

If he doesn’t cheat, then he’ll still be a controlling, abusive knob.

I just think they’re a better match. Yes. They do often marry OW but why OW would want someone capable of cheating is weird?

You’d never relax would you? You’d know all the signs and tricks. You’d probably be looking for signs. It’s no way to live.

My dad married OW. Still together 40 years later. Sometimes people just get with the wrong person but don’t realise until they meet the right one.

Yeah but if they cheated they cant have been that happy to begin with and if they later regret it or find its not what they expected it would a case of grass is greener and limerance.

Or they could be really happy together.

People are living longer and society has changed. Its so much easier to stray and end a relationship.

I think living in the hope that karma will get them is very sad and a waste of energy.

Lyingwitch - how eloquently put.

I'm not convinced about "karma". At least two people I know of who were serial liner-uppers (ie. lining up the new partner before ditching the old one), ended up very happy with new partners, had children with them, have lots of friends and great lives, good jobs and are well thought of at work and outside.

Once again, look at David Dimbleby.

One might even suspect that karma, if such a thing exists, works in reverse.....

Not the same thing but I know quite a few people who shat on their DP's from a great height (both men and women) either with affairs or other mental torture.

In EVERY case, the person who left their partners has ended up on their own with no DC and the injured party has gone on to meet someone else much better for them, have DC and are happy.

RainySeptember - that's a very sad and telling story.

I might be wrong, of course, but it also sounds as if your ex-H might be paving the way to come back....

Thank you, northernlights. Makes a good FB meme though, does 'karma'.

lavedar that winky face as applied to karma made me wince for you. If such a notion exists I'd fear that you'd be in for a dose yourself.

These vapid and clichéd terms don't help anybody - certainly not a cheated on spouse - and they're so bloody smug and insulting that they're really only the province of the very thick.

My mum left my dad for another man (OM instead of OW?) and has been with my step dad ever since for 20 years (they married 2 years ago.) I don't approve of how she left my dad but my dad does admit that at that point in my parents marriage it was essentially over anyway and was just a matter of who got the courage to ask for a divorce first. My dad's happy now and has been married to my step mum for like 15 years now I think. I don't doubt it must have been awful for my dad at the time but both my parents are way happier now they're not with each other, they were completely incompatible, no idea why the fuck they thought it was a good idea to get married in the first place

I'm ok with my mum being with my step dad because I can tell they really love each other and my dad and step mum are happy too. I don't agree with how my mum left my dad, she could have done it in a nicer way but it's done now

From Psychology Today:

Does Karma exist?
Independent of the problem of finding evidence for divine reciprocity, we can certainly consider counterexamples to the claim that what goes around comes around. In history, there have been legions of people who have done good deeds for their families and other people while still living lives of quiet desperation.

At the other end, there are despotic leaders like Stalin and predatory criminals like Jack the Ripper who got to the end of their lives without any particularly dire consequences. These examples do not prove that there is no such thing as karma, but should combine with the lack of evidence for karma to support the conclusion that karma is just a myth. The belief that what goes around comes around is just wishful thinking.