DH sulking because I didn't feel like sex last night

[Flappypants]

That's it really. He sloped off to the spare room after am uncomfortable half an hour and has barely spoken to me this morning. I just didn't feel like it. I admit it has slowed right down since two kids, not much sleep for nearly 6 years and some quite significant marital problems but I shouldn't feel punished should I? Nearly every interaction we have has a sexual undertone with him and I find it really offputting and there have been other occasions where he's not spoken to me for a while, sometimes days and then all of a sudden forgives whatever my transgression was and is all lovey-dovey again. The worst was not talking for three days then walking up to me and without a word just sticking his tongue in my mouth in a full-on snog. I felt invaded and have since told him so.

I know he's EA and we are in a very sticky wicket right now. I want to leave but just don't know how or if I'm strong enough because when it's good it's great . It's the cycle I know having read threads on here. I know he's accessed my phone etc and early on in our relationship I found photos on our camera that he'd taken of my journal. Gah.

What do I do about this situation with the sex? I don't want to feel like I can't just not want it. We are clearly mismatched in this regard.

You poor thing, I'm sorry but I would leave him over this, he sounds absolutely revolting.

If you don't want to leave him yet, then as far as the sex thing goes, there would be none at all unless I was 100% up for it. Although that would probably mean none at all as I couldn't find such a big baby sulker as him attractive in the slightest.

It's not just that you're mismatched in this situation, it's the fact that he obviously sees you as a piece of meat, to be used to make himself happy, fuck your feelings.

Him sulking is going to make you want him so much more, isn't it?!
Such an immature response. Just ignore him

You don’t want sex with him because he’s a twat. You don’t need to ‘do’ anything about the ‘sex issue’ because there isn’t one. There’s just a ‘twat’ issue. I bet if you were with someone else your libido would re-emerge!

You want to leave (quite reasonably), you can be strong enough & we can help you with practical advice and moral support.

Someone who was taking photos of your journal in the early stages of your relationship is never going to change. You and your kids deserve more than this.

Sulking is an awful way to behave, my ex was like this. I'm not saying my behaviour has been perfect all my life but after I left my ex I realised just how much the sulking had affected me, kept me down and miserable.

The walking up to you after three days and sticking his tongue in your mouth is vile. It harks back to the day when men could do what they wanted to their wives without any fear of punishment and women became the property of their husbands.

I think you should report your own post and ask MNHQ to move this to relationships. AIBU is not the place for this 💐

Will do.

Easy re what to do. Don't have sex, or even worry about having sex, with someone you don't like and who treats you like shit.

The unwanted kissing is a sexual assault. I sincerely hope this doesn't escalate into anything more. You might want to consider contacting Woman's Aid and other such organisations.

Oh Christ just get rid of this selfish manchild. Life's too short to put up with this shit.

What I find odd in this is that your DH seems to see being and lovely as an entirely separate thing to sex. Has this always been the case? In many relationships, the initiation of sex is charm, banter etc

Stuff like this makes me so angry for you and others in this situation. This isn’t real love. Both dh and I have health conditions which have meant for the last year we have had sex very infrequently but neither of us has so much as even complained about it once. We know our relationship is more than sex. I think it’s incredibly immature and shallow for your dh to sulk and put so much pressure on you. Just awful.

Your partner sounds just like mine! Daredn't even cuddle with him anymore because he always expects it to lead somewhere, and if it doesn't he will sulk but pretend there's nothing wrong with him, even though he's clearly in a mood. I've learnt to ignore it, if he isn't get the sexual gratification he wants he knows where his hand is. I'm not going to do something if I don't want to just to appease him, especially if it involves violating my body and privacy.

As for the sticking his tongue in your mouth thing, I'm impressed you didn't give him a slap! Some men like to think they can do what they want to you because you're in a relationship with them, just like my partner. As someone else said, if you were with someone else your libido would probably re-emerge. I've been with my partner for nearly 13 years and we have had multiple issues in the relationship that have lead me to feeling unfulfilled. If I was with another man that I felt more connected to and shared more interests with (my partner and I are practically polar opposites) everything would be different. And I agree with the person that sarcastically said that sulking is really going to make you more interested in him. If only they would learn that it has completely the opposite effect!

You are clearly mismatched because you are an autonomous person with feelings of your own, whereas as far as your husband is concerned you are property and you need to be kept in line.

Why did he take photos of your journal? That's odd.

Tell him you don't want to have sex with him any more. Make it very clear. He'll probably then want to talk separation/divorce which is what you want. You don't have to be the one to leave.

Emotional abuse and sexual coercion. Unreasonable, him. Not you.
Start planning your escape, seek help and be strong.

Nothing sexier than a man petulant because you won't shag him .

Never understand why men seem to think women wanting to shag them is not just about whether HE wants to have sex but also about whether the woman a). Wants to and b) wants to with him.

They are taught that a hard penis cannot be denied. But you know what? It can. And it's his responsibility to make you WANT to do anything with it.

I think this kind of behaviour is a sort of in-relationship harassment. I really think it needs to be taken seriously as a significant source of psychological, physical and sexual problems for women. I had an exP who was constantly pressuring me for sex, and it was the biggest turn-off, because I never felt like I was able to be in charge of my own desire - I was always constantly responding to him, psychologically fending him off, without the mental space to think what I actually wanted. I ended up feeling like there was something wrong with me, when really it was just that I didn't want to have sex with him under those circumstances.

It doesn't have to be this way. Not all men are like this. I'm now in a relationship with a really good guy who wouldn't dream for one second of pressuring me, and I've actually rediscovered my sex drive as a result. I'm probably the more proactive of the two of us these days! And I feel much more confidence and happy for it, too.

He's absolutely grim.

How are there good times exactly?

I don't know. My sex drive is higher than DH who can happily go weeks on end without, but I do not take well to repeated sexual rejection. It is hard if one partner is not bothered and constantly refuses. Tiredness is a reasonable excuse to an extent but sometimes it can come across as 'I'm not bothered about your need for sex' or not trying to make an effort. For some people sex and emotional closeness are more tightly intertwined. I have felt sulky when DH deliberately ignores me. I need to be touched. I also hate it when people use sex as a weapon, also, with holding because of perceived wrong without disscussion.

I have explained this, and as a result DH does make more effort, and I in turn have learned not to take it so personally after sexual rejection.

My OH does this too. Went through a period, some years ago where I didn't want sex as much and he had an affair. He still says that it was because I didn't want sex as often as he did, although looking back, he probably wasn't trying it on with me as much as he was getting it elsewhere. I was young, and I stayed with him and actually felt afterwards that I had to have sex whenever he wanted otherwise he would feel the need to have another affair. We have sex regularly, I would say twice a week, but a lot of the time I do it as I feel I have to. I know how awful this all sounds and I know exactly how you feel

My ex used to be like this too. It always felt like it was not me he wanted, he just wanted sex. He used to sulk, insult me etc. and it was all the time.

It was lovely when I finally got it together to get rid of him.

You poor thing, I used to have to put up with this type of behaviour from my ExH. He couldn't walk past me without touching me intimately and making 'way hay' type comments. I mean we were married for over 15 years and he never tired of it despite me telling him that I hated the way he made me feel like an object. He also sulked if I 'rejected' him even if I'd been up half the night with our daughter!

I've been seeing a lovely bloke for the last couple of years and we spend the night together probably 3 times a month on average and he still doesn't expect sex every time (although it does tend to happen LOL) and certainly doesn't make me feel objectified in any way, everything is just natural and un-forced.

So in my opinion it's your DH who has issues, not you, why on earth should you want to be intimate with him when he treats you this way? He needs to up his game!

for gods sake, no means no. your body is yours. he has no right to pressure you. if you never had sex with him again it is your right not to.