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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH sulking because I didn't feel like sex last night

71 replies

Flappypants · 24/04/2018 08:50

That's it really. He sloped off to the spare room after am uncomfortable half an hour and has barely spoken to me this morning. I just didn't feel like it. I admit it has slowed right down since two kids, not much sleep for nearly 6 years and some quite significant marital problems but I shouldn't feel punished should I? Nearly every interaction we have has a sexual undertone with him and I find it really offputting and there have been other occasions where he's not spoken to me for a while, sometimes days and then all of a sudden forgives whatever my transgression was and is all lovey-dovey again. The worst was not talking for three days then walking up to me and without a word just sticking his tongue in my mouth in a full-on snog. I felt invaded and have since told him so.

I know he's EA and we are in a very sticky wicket right now. I want to leave but just don't know how or if I'm strong enough because when it's good it's great . It's the cycle I know having read threads on here. I know he's accessed my phone etc and early on in our relationship I found photos on our camera that he'd taken of my journal. Gah.

What do I do about this situation with the sex? I don't want to feel like I can't just not want it. We are clearly mismatched in this regard.

OP posts:

Original poster

Flappypants · 25/04/2018 12:20

He is always saying how badly i treat him. How i make no effort. Since 1st January i have been told i am nasty, abusive, manipulative, lazy, money-grubbing (he apologised because nothing is further from the truth. I am totally dependent financially though...2 DC SAHM £28 in my savings account etc), unkind, aggressive etc etc. I have said what a pity you married such a shit of a wife and he is welcome to go amd find someone who hs likes more and who can givs him what he wants and 100% attention. He has said i am ruinunv the dc because i need their love more than they need me. What a total arsehole.

OP posts:

Original poster

Flappypants · 25/04/2018 12:22

Stupid phone typos. Sorry.

OP posts:

serialcheat · 25/04/2018 12:28

Every time he sulks, give him sex !!!!!

A porn mag and a jar of gloop.......:

serialcheat · 25/04/2018 12:29

And tell him to grow up or get the fuck out......

TammySwansonTwo · 25/04/2018 12:33

The sex issue is unacceptable and is coercion, not the behaviour of a hurt man - he thinks if he behave likes this enough, eventually youll give in and do it anyway despite not wanting to. Is that what usually happens?

OliviaBenson · 25/04/2018 12:38

Wow, you being scared of being monitored etc is chilling. You are in an abusive relationship. Please speak to women's aid.

LineyHasntLeftTheBuilding · 25/04/2018 12:49

He's fucking crackers.

I don't blame you in the least for modifying your behaviour to placate him. You're in survival mode. But please start to plan, carefully. Very carefully. You'll get good advice here and from WA.

Motoko · 25/04/2018 13:18

Start with speaking to Women's Aid, but do it outside of the house. I don't suppose you know anyone else who is techy? Maybe a friend or family member knows someone?
I would imagine any cameras will be sending the data via the wifi, so they will show up on the router. There may also be keyloggers on computers, and you should check your phone for location apps and get them switched off.

You need to leave him. Even if you have no money. Are you renting or home owner? Whose name/s are on the deeds/rental agreement?

Could your mum put you and the children up temporarily? Or your sister?

Do they know about the situation? If not, tell them, you need their support.

serialcheat · 25/04/2018 14:17

Seriously........

You are SERIOUSLY being abused. The high tec’ spying and monitoring is seriously freaky !!!!

As if the ‘ sheep worrying ‘ thing isn’t enough....

NettleTea · 25/04/2018 22:45

and just to add that, as young (or even old) kids, there is NOTHING they need more than your love. You cannot spoil through love

Shizzlestix · 25/04/2018 23:00

I’d seriously be checking for microphones, I remember a thread where someone found one in a plug.

serialcheat · 25/04/2018 23:28

Shit.......

I’m checking my plugs, including the butt plug !!!!

pigmcpigface · 26/04/2018 07:47

OP - sorry for the bluntness, but you are being abused. You need to plan a careful exit strategy.

Please be very careful what you write on Mumsnet. He may have spyware on your PC/phone. Don't write anything you wouldn't want him to see, don't discuss your plans on any existing device. Get a cheap burner phone and use this to plan your exit.

CousinKrispy · 26/04/2018 09:56

I'm so sorry you are going through this. The sex thing sounds like my H who I am in the process of leaving now. It is hard but you can do it--it has been such a weight off me, and I've not even got him out of the house yet (hopefully within the next month ...).

You really will be better off without an abusive partner, but I understand how hard it is to take those steps. Have you got family or friends you can turn to in real life?

FizzyGreenWater · 26/04/2018 11:49

Jesus.

The fact you're pretty convinced he's spying on you would seal it.

Take your phone to a phone shop and ask if they can check for spyware.

It sounds as if your DC are quite small. Honestly, if they are prettty much preschoolers and you are SAHM, there is NOTHING keeping you there. Do you have supportive family? If so, even if they are 500 miles away, I'd pack a bag and go, if they'll give you a place to stay. In fact, 500 miles would be ideal. And file for divorce. He is a twat and an abuser and a bully who sees you as property, and as his piece of meat. If you want to protect your DC from having this dysfunction as their family situation, then get out NOW while they can't even properly remember it. No, he won't change.

Original poster

Flappypants · 30/04/2018 12:16

Sorry for long gap and thank you for everything you have all said. On Thursday we found out that MIL has cancer (she lives abroad but I have encouraged him to get her over for Christmas etc over the years even though he can be be pretty shitty with her and his sister is awful...she lives in same country as MIL). MIL tells tales on SIL which are founded in truth but then she also badmouths DH and this last visit, having looked after her, entertained her, supported her and confided in her i found her tattling on me to DH. It's all messed up stuff but I fear she will come over here, we will have to look after her and the insidious rubbish will get worse with the two of them.

As for the sex thing, I find life runs smoother if we do it. He's always done this thing where he hides when he comes so I'm left guessing and trying to help him and when I eventually ask he says "oh yeah ages ago...ha ha". Last time I said "why do you fucking do that?" And he made out that I was the one with the problem. It's like be gets off on keeping me guessing, keeping me on the back foot. He's so touchy feely that i can barely move without him touching me and if I react negatively or am not enthusiastic enough he tells me I make no effort. When he's showering me with kisses he says things like "you are such a loved wife. You get so many kisses. So much love." I dont know what to say so I say nothing.

I can't function properly without wondering if I have upset him. It's rarely shouty when he is offended or upset, more silent treatment and disassociation.

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 30/04/2018 16:23

Life runs more smoothly if you have sex with him? How would you feel if a daughter of yours was living your life? Please look into leaving this abusive rapist, he's just the worse kind of person.

BettyBaggins · 30/04/2018 16:29

Yikes, he sounds suffocating as well as scarily creepy!

Mary1935 · 30/04/2018 19:15

Hi Flappy - you are being abused. You cannot see it - you do not know how to look after yourself. You last texts says how his family treat you badly but YOU encouraged your DP to have her over. I'm not being critical as I used to be like this.
You are not responsible for anyone else.
My ex used to hug me all the time even when I was washing up!!!
He was emotionally abusive and physically. He had a mr nice guy image outdoors!!!
They are men who feel entitled to do what they want when they want.
Mine used to sulk if I wouldn't have sex or he'd pestering me.
How can we want sex with someone who treats us so badly.
You need to contact women's aid and maybe get some counselling. I assume your childhood was unhealthy re your poor boundaries and expectations.
Keep reading and hopefully your eyes will be fully opened soon.

bobstersmum · 30/04/2018 19:40

Some of this sounds familiar to me! Dh is very sulky if he doesn't get regular sex, it's so off putting. Especially since my situation is very similar to yours so I constantly exhausted, every second of spare time I have I want to rest, but he would like me to spend it shagging! I'm really conscious about my post baby body as third baby (last year) left my tummy wrinkled and saggy so sex is scary for me anyway. His idea of foreplay is to ask if I'm getting on top!
I feel like he really doesn't care or try to understand my feelings, and sulking is the worst thing a grown man can do. It's pathetic.
I feel for you op!

ReanimatedSGB · 30/04/2018 20:36

There is help and support out there. You can get rid of this disgusting, abusive, dangerous man. You DO NOT HAVE TO spend the rest of your life being slobbered over and mauled by him, being mistreated in a variety of ways. He's going to get worse, not better.
Please call WA and let them help you get him out of your life.

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