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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH sulking because I didn't feel like sex last night

71 replies

Flappypants · 24/04/2018 08:50

That's it really. He sloped off to the spare room after am uncomfortable half an hour and has barely spoken to me this morning. I just didn't feel like it. I admit it has slowed right down since two kids, not much sleep for nearly 6 years and some quite significant marital problems but I shouldn't feel punished should I? Nearly every interaction we have has a sexual undertone with him and I find it really offputting and there have been other occasions where he's not spoken to me for a while, sometimes days and then all of a sudden forgives whatever my transgression was and is all lovey-dovey again. The worst was not talking for three days then walking up to me and without a word just sticking his tongue in my mouth in a full-on snog. I felt invaded and have since told him so.

I know he's EA and we are in a very sticky wicket right now. I want to leave but just don't know how or if I'm strong enough because when it's good it's great . It's the cycle I know having read threads on here. I know he's accessed my phone etc and early on in our relationship I found photos on our camera that he'd taken of my journal. Gah.

What do I do about this situation with the sex? I don't want to feel like I can't just not want it. We are clearly mismatched in this regard.

OP posts:

Coralcolouredchrome · 24/04/2018 10:33

You poor thing. I think there are an awful lot of women who have this problem, their OH sulking because, shock of shocks you didn't feel like sex every time he did. How many women out there have faked it just to get it over and done with, knowing it's easier than having him be in a mood for days, I know I have.

foreverlostx · 24/04/2018 10:35

Unfortunately I have no advice but I totally understand how you feel, my parter does the same to me, it's so frustrating and I'm fed up of it.

I don't understand why men think it's their right to have sex even when their partner doesn't want to. Especially when they don't put any effort into the sexual relationship anyway.

CocoaGin · 24/04/2018 10:35

Gosh there's nothing so unattractive as a man-child in full sulk.

No wonder you don't want sex with him.

You know deep down that you don't love this man.

MNHQ

DawnMumsnet · 24/04/2018 10:42

Hi, we're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic at the OP's request.

ReanimatedSGB · 24/04/2018 10:47

It's often clearer when the man's abusive in other areas, but your H and men like him often don't actually want sex with you at all. What this constant sulking, pestering and mauling is about is... putting you in your place. Making you feel invaded, revolted and a bit scared. Reminding you who your owner is and that you have no right to autonomy.

MN and Women's Aid can help you gather the strength and practical knowledge to end this marriage. Don't waste time on therapy or 'trying harder' or having a discussion with him. There's no point. He doesn't think women are fully human, therefore the only thing to do is get rid of him.

Fairenuff · 24/04/2018 10:51

I want to leave but just don't know how or if I'm strong enough because when it's good it's great.

The problem is that he doesn't want to separate. He gets what he wants from you. This is a one sided 'relationship'. The only time he will give you what you need/want is when he feels you pulling away.

You want to leave and you should leave. But he manages to persuade you to stay.

So this leads us nicely into your other problem.

What do I do about this situation with the sex?

If you stop having sex with him he will give you all the silent treatment, etc. This is the time to tell him that it's not working out for you.

He will then have to decide whether to a) go straight back to the normal cycle of being nice to you all of a sudden to get what he wants or b) agree to a separation.

Either of these options are a better outcome than what you've got at the moment. He either has to treat you right all the time, not just when he wants something, or you leave.

Motoko · 24/04/2018 13:07

He doesn't have to agree to a separation, OP can leave even if he doesn't agree.

OP, you need to realise that the "nice" times are a front, a way of keeping you. If you want to end the relationship, forget about the "nice" times, and leave, because basically he's just acting, playing the role of a nice guy. It's not who he really is.
The real him, is the one who sulks, and pressures you into sex. Nice guys would never do that.

So, how can we help you to leave? Remember, many of us have been in the same/similar situations and left, going on to have happy fulfilling relationships and lives with real nice men. So ask us questions.

Fairenuff · 24/04/2018 14:11

I know he doesn't have to agree. But the thing that is stopping it is that he is not agreeing. Instead he is mounting a charm offensive that is working.

Turn the tables. Make him be the one that wants to end it by not giving him what he wants all the time.

Adora10 · 24/04/2018 14:15

Eeeeww, what an absolute creep, sorry but I would find that worrying, in other words, what else is he capable of.

I think you are being stronger by staying, leaving should be easy OP, none of this is normal.

TuTru · 24/04/2018 14:23

What a baby!
My OH used to do this and say he wasn’t sulking but clearly was. In the end he done it one morning after I said no, he physically rolled over and huffed. I said are you sulking now? He just said nothing. This upset me. I seethed on it for a while then mid morning I said I’d had enough of him sulking about sex, he should leave. He wants it more than me, I’m not going to want to do it with a sulky prat, he should leave. Find a prostitute, because I had more important things to cope with than his dick!!
He listened, he apologised. He hasn’t sulked about sex since. He didn’t want to leave.

GlitterAndTrauma · 24/04/2018 14:24

I don't think it's the fact he isn't agreeing to separation that is stopping the OP. I've been in exactly the same position myself and it was nothing to do with having his approval, it was fear of not knowing what life as a single mother would be like or having to say goodbye to someone that despite all the hurt he had caused, I still loved very much.

PoisonousSmurf · 24/04/2018 14:25

He's a selfish twat! End of!

ReliefOfChaos · 24/04/2018 15:04

Have been accused of 'sulking' before. From my perspective 'sulking' == absolutely heartbroken that your wife doesn't want to touch you. It does speak volumes about your relationship when you describe your partner's hurt as 'sulking'. Certainly did about mine.

GlitterAndTrauma · 24/04/2018 15:21

Yes, Relief, but when your partner doesn't understand the word 'no' and feels like he can grab and grope at his free will despite your rejection, when does it become acceptable and when does it become violation? If you love someone and they don't feel like having sex or being intimate, you should accept that and move on. If I want to go out and my partner doesn't, I don't force him and I don't throw a huff about it. The same should apply to all areas of a relationship. It's nothing to do with not wanting to touch my partner, sometimes I just don't feel like it. If you're hurt by that, you need to find someone who is willing to have sex with you whenever you want it, even if they don't.

ReanimatedSGB · 24/04/2018 15:39

Well, Relief, did you ever try treating your wife like a human before waving your dick at her? Were you doing your share of the housework/childcare? Were you talking to her, asking about her day, being companionable? It's very often the case that men who whine and moan that their wives have lost interest in sex are men who have no interest in their wives other than as something to put their dicks in.

ReliefOfChaos · 24/04/2018 15:46

It didn't sound to me like we were talking about someone who didn't understand the word 'no'. It looks to me like someone who is trying to reignite intimacy with his wife and is getting frustrated by the rejection.

I think clearly taking sex off the table is the only fair option in these cases, as that puts the choice directly to him. But, of course, he might reasonably just choose to leave then.

Fairylea · 24/04/2018 15:47

Heartbroken because your wife doesn’t want to touch you? Do you mean touch you at all, hug, kiss, cuddle? Or do you mean touch your penis? Because not everyone wants to touch a willy all the time. It doesn’t mean someone doesn’t love you.

Fairylea · 24/04/2018 15:47

(That was to Relief).

GlitterAndTrauma · 24/04/2018 16:36

I don't know why, Fairylea, but the 'not everyone wants to touch a willy all the time. It doesn’t mean someone doesn’t love you' comment made me laugh! 😂

Scott72 · 24/04/2018 16:52

If the youngest is under 2 then he should make allowances for that. But when the low libido partner is the one to admit their marriage has slowed right down, it may be a sign that their marriage has reached the point of being officially sexless, or is close to it. But even so expressing his frustration in such an immature manner isn't acceptable. The adult thing is to explain his frustration clearly, try for some mutually acceptable solution, and if that doesn't work dissolve the marriage and move on.

KriticalSoul · 24/04/2018 17:09

Please leave him, find the strength from somewhere, for your sake (and your kids) because this isn't going to get better.

I wasn't 17 fucking years on my harassing twat, who liked to shout at me and call me names for refusing him.. who couldn't take no for an answer so I used to just have sex to make him leave me along for a couple of weeks.

Don't be me, reclaim your life and your sanity, because I bet you flinch every time he touches you.

GlitterAndTrauma · 24/04/2018 17:11

You hit the nail on the head, Scott!

LineyHasntLeftTheBuilding · 24/04/2018 17:50

@RacquelWelch That sound so sad, and such a hollow relationship. I hope one day you can find some light in your life by living alone, and enjoying the freedom; or meeting someone better.

Original poster

Flappypants · 25/04/2018 12:10

Hi all

Thank you for your responses. It's hard for me to get time alone to post and I knowthat there are ways he's accessing stuff so I'm a little paranoid and wary.

To Relief I totally understand what you are saying and I wish it were simply a case of hurt feelings. And even if it were that ithe still doesn't justify not speaking to me and, I might add, a complete turnaround by 5pm, all love bombs and adoration again.

I've seen my GP today because I have constant butterflies in my tummy which my mum says is anxiety. I'm paranoid about cameras and microphones around the house because he's a total techie and too many times he's come out with statements very close to ones I've used during private conversations with a friend or my sister who won't see me with him any more and he has been unkind about her coming over saying we exclude him (never mind that HD sits on the sofa on his phone most of the time).

God there is so much more to this. I am in a constant state of uncertainty. Will he be annoyed with me for something (and dressing it up as my shortcoming) or will t be ott loving?

OP posts:

pog100 · 25/04/2018 12:13

You know this isn't any way to live and you know what the source of your anxiety is. Both are cured by one thing only, separating from him. You know in your heart of hearts. Please listen to yourself, and do it.
Good luck.

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