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Original poster

Is ex BU or am I re his time with DC?

80 replies

Cales · 22/04/2018 09:58

Ex-h and I separated 4 years ago. We have 3 DC, 13, 9 and 7.

He lived close by until a year ago when he moved to be with his pregnant girlfriend 4 hours drive away.

While he was here we had almost 50/50 shared care, he was very close to dc, they adore him.

He now sees them eow (every other weekend). Picks them up either Friday or Saturday drives to his house then brings them home Sunday.

He can be difficult to communicate with, often not responding. He has never not turned up to see dc though.

So ds's best friends bday party is on Friday. I contacted ex over a week ago to tell him and ask whether he wanted to collect them Friday or could ds go to the party. He never replied so I told ds and the mother that he could attend.

I contacted ex yesterday to remind him and he said his baby is having their bday party on the Saturday so he needs to collect dc Friday or not at all....

This is not the first time things like this have happened and it pisses me off that dc are caught in the middle, having to choose between their dad and plans they've already made. His line is always 'oh well I'm sure they'd rather see me...'

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 22/04/2018 10:01

Which child is a true the party? When does it finish?

Could he collect later or leave the pretty child home for the weekend?

He's mainly at fault for not being organised and communicating

Northernparent68 · 22/04/2018 10:03

I’m sorry your ex is putting the children through this. Would he agree to mediation ?

snewname · 22/04/2018 10:05

Go with what dc wants to do and sympathise that they are have been put in this position, without slagging xh off too much.

Cricrichan · 22/04/2018 10:14

You need to come to an arrangement with you ex that everybody is happy with. If he only sees them eow now then I'd agree that that's more important than a birthday party. I know from my own kids that their life cab get very busy with parties, sports, competitions etc and they can't do them all. So unless it's a very close friend's birthday, then it's better they go with their dad.

Whocansay · 22/04/2018 10:25

Seeing as he can collect on Friday after the party, I'm not sure what the issue is? Is he saying he won't collect later?

Original poster
Cales · 27/04/2018 19:34

So he said initially that he had the time off work to collect DC on the Friday.

Ds decided he'd rather see his dad than go to the party, good, fine.

I told ex and he said he would be there to collect them at 7 in the evening.

I said no, you said you were taking time off so you can collect them from school. Failing that, if you're coming at 7, at least let ds go to his party and collect him at 7 when it finishes.

He said no he won't collect them from school as he doesn't want to leave home at lunchtime on his babies bday, he said he won't pick DS up from party, I should as I arranged it ( and he'll collect them from mine at 8!! Only arranged it as he didn't respond to my message asking if it was ok!) and no he won't get them on Saturday morning as it's his babies birthday party that day....

He didn't reply to either myself or my DP so the children didn't know if he was coming or not. DD messaged him and he replied saying I wouldn't agree a time with him so he'd see them in 2 weeks time Angry

Dc now all in tears Sad

OP posts:
TokenGinger · 27/04/2018 20:14

Tosser

Mousefunky · 27/04/2018 20:17

Unless I am missing something, why couldn’t you collect your DS from the party as he suggested? Makes sense to me.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 27/04/2018 20:19

So he had zero intentions of all his dc being together on the baby's birthday? In future make your own plans, focus on any plans the dc have at your end. Let him see a solicitor and get a proper arrangement in place.

SandyY2K · 27/04/2018 20:26

He sounds like a very difficult man. No wonder he's your Ex. Poor kids.

donners312 · 27/04/2018 20:35

what a wanker!

Original poster
Cales · 28/04/2018 07:43

Thank you for the support.

mousefunky as a parent I feel it's as much his responsibility to facilitate his dc seeing friends etc, especially considering it's his evening with them.

I asked him if ds could go to the party and he didn't respond hence accepting the invite. Sometimes he collects them on Friday and sometimes Saturday morning.

He expects me to go out (with all the dc) on a Friday evening (his evening) in order to make life easier for him.

Obviously if it was my evening I would be happy to, but I am sick to death of him shunting all his parenting responsibilities on to me and when he doesn't get his own way just refusing to see the DC.

OP posts:
Shedmicehugh1 · 28/04/2018 07:49

If it’s not a regular thing, couldn’t you collect from party? Otherwise kids will miss out on seeing their dad and their half siblings birthday.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 28/04/2018 08:07

Did DS get to the party, then? Fwiw, I think as birthdays happen once a year and they see their dad regularly, the parties take priority. Especially for a best friend. Friends are so important to them!

Bit surprised they were all in tears, but hope they're over it now. Did they think their dad was cross with them?

Original poster
Cales · 28/04/2018 08:07

The problem is it is a regular thing. He expects me to do the running round so he doesn't have to. It's completely unfair. He is their parent too.

I would understand if he was working or if something came up. On these occasions I do do the running around for him, but it is generally purely to make his life easier.

He would rather not see his DC for 2 more weeks (it's already been 2 weeks) than pick his son up from a birthday party on HIS fucking evening with them! If I behaved that way as a mother I would be roasted.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cales · 28/04/2018 08:09

They were in tears because it means they won't have seen their dad for over a month. He didn't even have the decency to respond to me or DP's messages asking. It took DD texting him...

OP posts:
Aprilmightbemynewname · 28/04/2018 08:17

During the 4 year case I has with exh the judge told both of us not to make plans for the dc in the others time. Relationship with the parents takes priority over parties etc.
Just saying. I know it's shitty juggling!!

TryingToForgeAnewLife · 28/04/2018 08:17

Cales - totally agree with you. Why should you have to do everything. STBXH is the same - he just tells me he is not seeing the boys on his contact evenings and expects me to be ok with it.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 28/04/2018 08:17

I guess at least they're not blaming you like he did in his message to DD. Do they see through him, do you think?

Hope you're able to arrange something fun for the weekend to ease the sting for them.

Original poster
Cales · 28/04/2018 08:24

Aprilmightbemynewname - the problem is I never know whether he is coming on a Friday or a Saturday. I asked him weeks ago whether it would be ok for DS to go, he didn't reply.

Most parents would be happy to facilitate their DC doing things like that, it's a big part of childhood. Obviously if he'd actually responded and said no it's not convenient then I wouldn't have accepted the invite.

OP posts:
Shedmicehugh1 · 28/04/2018 08:25

I get your frustration. I’m not excusing his behaviour. Thought it might have been a one off.

It’s difficult, when there isn’t a balance. Have you had a chat with ex about firm, regular arrangements?

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 28/04/2018 08:26

In future, could you pass his number on to the mother of the birthday boy? He might be happier to make arrangements with her than with you? That way you're not making plans in his time. But you are showing the DC that their plans are important.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 28/04/2018 08:29

Then just change the contact to Sat morning every week. He is playing power games with you and is obviously a twat.
Which I am sure you know too well.

Original poster
Cales · 28/04/2018 08:29

No it's not a one off.

We don't speak on the phone as he is very rude to me. I called him last weekend (I've never had to do that before) after a serious incident with DD's behaviour. He asked why I was calling him and what it had to do with him. He said he would call me if it happened during his time with her....

The DC have been for counselling over his move, they were (and still are) heartbroken. He has never even asked about it and when I brought it up said I was making it up ShockHmm

OP posts:
DownTownAbbey · 28/04/2018 08:33

You've been very reasonable and accommodating and he's been an arse. Why the heck won't he answer simple, valid questions?

Was he manipulative when you were married?

I'd be tempted to call his bluff and bring his children to him.

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