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Original poster

Is ex BU or am I re his time with DC?

80 replies

Cales · 22/04/2018 09:58

Ex-h and I separated 4 years ago. We have 3 DC, 13, 9 and 7.

He lived close by until a year ago when he moved to be with his pregnant girlfriend 4 hours drive away.

While he was here we had almost 50/50 shared care, he was very close to dc, they adore him.

He now sees them eow (every other weekend). Picks them up either Friday or Saturday drives to his house then brings them home Sunday.

He can be difficult to communicate with, often not responding. He has never not turned up to see dc though.

So ds's best friends bday party is on Friday. I contacted ex over a week ago to tell him and ask whether he wanted to collect them Friday or could ds go to the party. He never replied so I told ds and the mother that he could attend.

I contacted ex yesterday to remind him and he said his baby is having their bday party on the Saturday so he needs to collect dc Friday or not at all....

This is not the first time things like this have happened and it pisses me off that dc are caught in the middle, having to choose between their dad and plans they've already made. His line is always 'oh well I'm sure they'd rather see me...'

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/04/2018 14:50

He sounds like an utter dick - and he also sounds like he's starting to very much favour the new baby over your children. A baby doesn't care if it's its birthday - it doesn't know! So his point about not collecting the DC on the Friday because of the baby's birthday is stupid, especially given that they are having the party on the Saturday. Not picking them up on the Saturday, given the party, is completely understandable though.

What is totally unforgivable is his "oh fuck this, I cba to pick them up after the party on the friday so guess what, I'm not going to bother at all and I'll see them the following fortnight". I REALLY don't like that. It is their half-sibling's birthday party and he's now preventing them from attending it because of his pathetic willy-waving control issues!

How do your DC get on with his girlfriend? Has she changed towards them since having her own baby? Do you think this may have been engineered to keep them away from the baby's party? Either way, their Dad is a total fucking dick for this move. :(

donners312 · 28/04/2018 17:42

Like Shed I was also ordered in court to do all the traveling as he lied his lying head off in court.

I have refused and am now back in court with him trying to enforce the order.

Interestingly he hasn't abided by his side of the order but that doesn't seem to matter so far? Back to court in a couple of weeks.

It appears that these 'Fathers" can get away with stealing all your money, leaving your kids homeless, paying no maintenance, abandoning the children and leaving you do to ALL the grunt work and if they pay it cleaver you can facilitate and pay for their contact time as well.

They should have their PR taken off them I think but no, the courts are bending over to give these poor dads what they want and fuck the kids!

donners312 · 28/04/2018 17:44

In other words i wouldn't go for a court order because you still cant force him to turn up on a Friday or whatever it is only you who will be restricted by it.

MadMags · 28/04/2018 17:48

He’s a twat.

Did he ever give a reason as to why he and gf couldn’t live closer to his dc.

The only thing I think you’re U about is having your boyfriend text him. He shouldn’t be getting involved really.

Prettylovely · 28/04/2018 18:07

I would have asked him again about the party before saying whether they could go or not, 4hours is a long way to travel from without knowing if you are going to definately be able to pick your kids up. I also dont see how he manages to travel 8hours in one day and do the same the next day to drop them back if he picks them up on a saturday.
It doesnt make him a rubbish Dad wanting to spend time with his Daughter on her birthday rather than traveling down all day on his day off. 8 hours of traveling is alot and personally I would understand that.
Do you usually book things in his time because he doesnt respond?

Boysnme · 28/04/2018 18:22

Prettylovely if 8 hours travelling in a day is too much for him he shouldn’t have moved 4 hours away from his kids.

trickle4 · 28/04/2018 18:34

@Prettylovely he shouldn't of moved so far away if it's too far to travel. There are absolutely no excuses for him

Original poster
Cales · 28/04/2018 18:42

Donners - wow, I'm sorry to hear that you've been put through that in court, shocking. What happens if you just refuse like you have been? Can they jail you? I'd be inclined to go to the press.

MadMags - I asked DP to deal with it because I couldn't cope with how rude and UR he was being. It was making me feel ill. I told ex that from now logistical arrangements can be made between them. I thought he'd be less inclined to be boorish and manipulative towards DP.

OP posts:
Prettylovely · 28/04/2018 18:43

Totally see your point Boysnme and trickle4 just wondering how he manages it? Why he wouldnt always pick them up on a Friday traveling 16hours in two days is so much driving!!

MadMags · 28/04/2018 19:07

I just hope that doesn’t backfire, OP.

I can only imagine what would be said on here if a father told his ex to only speak to his new girlfriend regarding his children!

StarlaMack · 28/04/2018 19:12

ThimbWitches - I have often wondered about his GF, perhaps unfairly... I could never understand why she didn't move here, or they both move closer. Her ds's father lives near here. I asked DP and he said she wouldn't want to move away from her mother.

I do also wonder if the party was orchestrated. Why does he need to be there for two consecutive days of birthday celebrations for a baby when his DC who are old enough to know he's not there haven't seen him for two weeks? Why plan the party for when DC usually arrive? Why not Sunday morning or late Saturday afternoon?

Lizzie48 · 28/04/2018 19:13

But in this case, MadMags the ex is being very rude to the OP and she no longer feels able to cope with it. There are a lot of women coping with verbally abusive exes. It's not that hard to understand, is it? Hmm

Weezol · 28/04/2018 19:22

Bloody hell. 8pm pick up means they wouldn't have been at his until at least midnight - WTAF?

I would be very tempted not to contact him at all, wait and see what he comes up with in two weeks time.

MadMags · 28/04/2018 19:36

Did I say it was hard to understand? Perhaps you haven’t understood my post. :)

Lizzie48 · 28/04/2018 20:35

I have understood your post. I don't understand why you're giving the OP a hard time. If her ex is abusive to her, it makes sense for someone else to speak to him instead. I've read threads where the OP communicates with her ex's new partner. Whatever makes communication easier. Obviously it's not ideal.

MadMags · 28/04/2018 21:14

Except I didn’t actually give her a hard time.

I said he’s a twat but that it could backfire letting her boyfriend deal with it.

Where exactly is the hard time?

donners312 · 28/04/2018 21:47

Cales- funny enough that is what we keep saying we will do (me and my family) I swear people probably don't believe me but the courts are shocking. TBH I'd be inclined to play (sort of ) nice and hope he gets bored and hope he -fucks off- goes away!

donners312 · 28/04/2018 21:49

and i will let you know what goes on next time in court but based on past experience he will probably lie and the onus will been me to do everything.

Wallywobbles · 28/04/2018 21:57

I'd make a WhatsApp group with older kids and ex so there was no more he said she said.

Lindy2 · 28/04/2018 22:08

So if he collects the children at 8pm they don't actually even arrive back at his house until midnight. I'm guessing it's even later than that by the time they settle in and go to bed.
That alone would make me pretty furious let alone all the other stuff. YANBU.

pallisers · 28/04/2018 22:29

Pretty soon the 13 year old will no longer want to spend 4 hours in a car and the weekend away from their friends.

The other 2 will probably follow suit.

Can't understand why he wouldn't care about this but it is sadly common.

In this specific instance I would call his bluff and say "fine children will be available at my house at 8 on Friday - see you then". I think he was just looking for an excuse not to do the drive.

Original poster
Cales · 29/04/2018 15:42

Ugh, so DD has just got back from a bike ride with my father and his wife. His wife (my step mother) has been telling DD how her dad is one of the best dads she knows and is trying his best! Don't know what to make of this, she knows what's happens (via my father). I'm not very happy. Surely she should be supporting DD rather than trying to sugar coat and defend ex's actions..?

OP posts:
cmmmmmmmmmmmmm · 29/04/2018 15:50

What about your husbands new baby and their party I think it's reasonable he wouldn't want to leave the child on their birthday don't you ? How would you feel look at the bigger picture here ? You sound very bitter he's moved on maybe you need to ?

MadMags · 29/04/2018 15:53

Perhaps she’s trying to make a young girl feel better about a shit situation! What good would it do to slag off her dad to her?

cmmmmmmmmmmmmm · 29/04/2018 15:54

I agree why would you want your children to think bad about their dad do you not want them to be happy x yes children do face disappointment in their lives but why make them feel bad help them see that dad also had another child little to think of also.

Yes he moved 4 hours away yes this was his choice but he also has a pregnant girlfriend to think of.

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