Is ex BU or am I re his time with DC?

[Cales]

Ex-h and I separated 4 years ago. We have 3 DC, 13, 9 and 7.

He lived close by until a year ago when he moved to be with his pregnant girlfriend 4 hours drive away.

While he was here we had almost 50/50 shared care, he was very close to dc, they adore him.

He now sees them eow (every other weekend). Picks them up either Friday or Saturday drives to his house then brings them home Sunday.

He can be difficult to communicate with, often not responding. He has never not turned up to see dc though.

So ds's best friends bday party is on Friday. I contacted ex over a week ago to tell him and ask whether he wanted to collect them Friday or could ds go to the party. He never replied so I told ds and the mother that he could attend.

I contacted ex yesterday to remind him and he said his baby is having their bday party on the Saturday so he needs to collect dc Friday or not at all....

This is not the first time things like this have happened and it pisses me off that dc are caught in the middle, having to choose between their dad and plans they've already made. His line is always 'oh well I'm sure they'd rather see me...'

Sympathies op. My dcs dad lives 2 hours away and we have the eow arrangement too. When parties come up on that particular weekend, it's a nightmare. Usually dcs miss the parties unless it's one they really do want to go too. Especially dd. She's 6 and in her year at school, there's only 6 girls and 15 boys. I'm very aware of her being left out etc. So if she wants to go, we make other arrangements. I have to say though, my ex couldn't really care if dcs don't go. He is most likely rubbing his hands together thinking 'ooo free weekend'.

What I've learnt is you have to be tough and be the one in control on these weekends. My ex used to try cancel or shorten weekends as he wanted to play football. What's the point in them travelling all that way if it's not for the full weekend? So I screamed and shouted at him and now he no longer asks. He can play football on his free weekend or every night after work when he has no commitments.

Yesterday as I was dropping them off (we meet half way) he asked if there was any chance I could collect them first thing Sunday morning. I just said 'nope' as I got in the car and drove off. I'd already kissed and hugged the dcs goodbye and they were in his car.

I probably come across as a total bitch to him but I ask nothing of him. There's only 2 things I ask from him as a father and that's too have the dcs every other weekend and to pay his maintenance on time. That's it. Not hard.

Can I just ask how your dcs cope with the travelling eow? Mine find it so tiring and ds is always very emotional when he comes home on a Sunday evening. Ex was the one that moved away too and even that frustrates me as dcs have to travel just to spend a bit of time with their dad.

Should say 3 hours away, not 2.

If he won’t talk to you on the phone about arrangements for the kids, which is ridiculous! I would be tempted to tell him what the arrangements are, rather than ask.

If he fluctuates between Friday evening and Saturday afternoon, I assume work related or whatever. Then tell him from now on, it’s Saturday afternoon pick up. So everyone knows where they stand.

I have similar.

You need an agreed regular arrangement - e.g. he collects from school on Friday on his weekend, then returns to you Sunday evening.

What happens during that time is not your circus, not your monkeys. Party invite? Great ds, but that is in your dad's time, so you'll have to ring him & see if he's ok to drop & pick you up from there.

(Obviously you step in in a genuine emergency - ex has a RTA or flu or a death in the family etc).

Be very very boring & humourless & inflexible about it all. Those are the access times. They are to be stuck to. If he can't make it that's a shame, but it's on him.

Honestly it's the only way. All this maybe Friday maybe Saturday maybe party maybe none of the above is crap for the dc & it will drive YOU to the brink!

Heartbroken by the move? How have you talked about it with them? "Daddy still loves you, but he needs to move for work," that sort of thing?

Trickle4 thanks for your post. They are utterly exhausted. It's a 4 hour drive on a good run. Always very emotional and often ill on the Sunday evening when they get home. It's very difficult.

Thanks all. It's not work related, he has Friday afternoons off, I suppose it just depends whether he wants the Friday night off or not.

Yes I'm wondering whether it might be an idea to get a court order in place.

Have talked to DC a lot about it over the past year and still do. Always reassure them which is difficult considering his reasons for the move. He refuses to talk to them about it though. Another mess for me to clear up single handedly for him.

His relationship with the children is his responsibility.
Better they find out what he is like sooner.

I have friends who have turned themselves inside out facilitating for exes to stop children’s/dads relationships crumbling, which they inevitably have in adolescence/adulthood as the Dad shows himself to be a self centred wanker.

A month it is then. Wanker.

Hugs to you and the children.

@Cales there's been quite a few times my ds has missed Monday off school as he's just too exhausted. Dd is fine, it doesn't bother her but ds is totally different. He also comes home with conjunctivitis quite often.

Every time I speak to the ex about it, all I get is 'well he's fine when he's here'. No concern about it at all. Like it's not his problem. I take pictures and keep all message conversations incase I ever need them as proof of anything.

Sorry you are going through this. All I can say is keep firm and don't let him win. At the end of the day, you are the main parent. You are bringing them up and dealing with all the hard crap that goes with it. He moved away and by doing so, gave up some of his rights as a father. People may disagree with me but unless you are put in that situation then you can't understand. You didn't move, he did.

You only have your dcs best interests at heart at the end of the day. He clearly doesn't. My mum always tells me that one day, my dcs will realise who was there for them and who wasn't. I'm sure it will be the same for your dc's also.

Your ex does all the driving 3 hours each way. I'm not saying that is wrong. But he probably feels bitter that you're not prepared to help by having the children all in one place for him to pick up - you expect him to drive 3 hours then pick 2 DC up at yours then DS up from the party elsewhere. Seems a bit harsh. Can't you do the 8pm pick up plan?

I think you should look into a court order, you need it so you don’t have to compensate for him so much. I agree with pp that you should forward the invite and get him to make arrangements when parties are on his time. You can always include it in info for court if it means they don’t go to parties on his time after telling him they want to. You need to be unemotional and more inflexible, I’m sorry it has to be this way :(

@PeawitPerkins you are reading this totally wrong. Op did her bit by letting her ex know about the party a week before hand. He doesn't communicate with her so what else is she supposed to do? Then when ds says he would rather see his dad, it turns out he won't be there until the party finishes but refuses to pick up ds? How as a father is that being there for a child? Refusing to pick them up from a birthday party....he is also the parent and should be a part of doing this stuff.
Let's face it, he's only a dad to them 2 days out of 14. The rest is up to op with clearly no support of her ex.

This is about a hell of a lot more than a birthday party. Yes he does the driving but he makes everything difficult in the process. He upsets his dcs and blames op for not benign able to arrange a time! If he could of responded in the first place, this situation would occur. And poor op wouldn't be left to deal with the upset dcs all on her own.

He was fully aware of the distance when he decided to move and cut his time with his children from 3 days a week to 2 days a month.

I told him the distance was ridiculous.

He never has to do a school run (bar collecting them once every few month)
He never has to go to parents eve or school plays/performances/clubs
He hasn't taught them to swim or contributed towards lessons
He's never taught them to ride a bike
He doesn't have to take them to friends houses
He pays £25 a week maintenance per child

All these things that I do pretty much single handedly.

And he's resentful for having the drive the distance (which he decided to move) for twice monthly visits?

The thing about the extra driving is perhaps fair point, but all he needed to do was communicate: 'I can't face driving round picking up ds when I've got such a long round trip - I'll have to pick up the kids later so the party is done & dusted'

Since he apparently can't manage that, OP can't be expected to read his mind or chop & change her plans at the last minute. There's no unexpected emergency given he presumably knows the date of his youngest child's birthday in advance! He's just being an arse because so far he's got away with it.

My ex - who admittedly lives on a different continent - has form for this ('oh I can't get the date we agreed off work after all. I know you've already booked flights round it, but I think you'd better get a London hotel for all of you that night, Ok? Obviously I'll now want an extra day tagged on at the end because I'm losing a day at the start, so you'd better cancel the arrangement for dc to see their grandparents? Well can't you just change the flights then?! God you're so unreasonable '...er that'll be a Nope).

It's improved a lot since I've started being a miserable cow who will not, end of, enter into debate about changing arrangements. He can't make it? Shame. Ah well.

My ex really does want to see his dc to be fair, that wasn't the issue. He makes it work & they enjoy their time with him. He just needed to be disabused of the notion that I had ceased to be his wife & had somehow morphed into his PA, Nanny & personal travel agent...

A bit of topic, but as your oldest is 13, can they start getting the train to and from their dads soon?

@Cales honestly it could be me writing your post! I've been asking the ex if he could teach dcs to ride their bikes when they are there. Purely because he still lives at home with his mum and dad and their back garden is absolutely great for learning to ride. I got the following excuses:

• it's going to rain
• dd is too small for her bike yet
• you will have to buy them helmets and send them up with the kids then
• I don't think they are ready yet (aged 8 and 6)

So I said to him to forget it. My dh will teach them. I just thought it should be something their father does with them rather than step father. Dh spent hours with dcs getting them practice.

Next time dcs go to their dads, I get a video from thin with ds riding his bike and he's taking all the credit lol.

Ex has no idea how dcs are going on at school, no idea what stage they are at swimming, what dd is doing in dancing, what they are learning in school, who heir friends are etc.

Ds is also autistic (why it's taken him so long to ride a bike) and he has nothing to do with hospital appointments, school meetings, psychologist appointments etc. He doesn't ask and I stopped telling him. It was pointless as he didn't have a clue about ds autism and it only made me more angry by telling him and getting 'oh right' responses like he's not bothered.

Sorry to jump on with all my crap, I just really feel your pain.

I do sympathise OP as I know from personal experience how difficult it is being a single mum. Does anyone know what a court is likely to decide is fair re responsibility for the fetching and carrying eow in this situation? I guess it depends on lots of things. But if it were me, I'd take some legal advice before pursuing a court order in case the expectation of meeting half way came up.

So he moves far away...
You do all the parenting and he can't even facilitate a sodding birthday party for kids! He's a twat...

If he is really difficult like this I would get an order in place.

trikle - it beggars belief doesn't it? It's interesting to see how similar our situations are

peawit thanks. It is something I worry about. He apparently sought legal advice when he first moved and was considering making me do half the travel.

Court order ‘norm’ is you share the traveling.

My ex wasn’t paying a penny. He lied and said he didn’t have a car. So I had to do traveling both ways!

It beggars belief that a parent can move so far away leaving all the responsibility and cost for raising the children on me and then I may have to help him with his fucking travel!

@Cales true. I get you completely. But if you get a Court order, you will have to do half the traveling. I've been there though I do half the travelling anyway only cos the ex finishes work at daft a clock and if I didn't, they wouldn't be able to go.

A Court for access arrangements see access and maintenance as two totally separate things.

My ex had avoided paying a penny in maintenance. Court wasn’t interested in how unfair it was, for it to cost me for ex to see the kids!

It was a very similar scenario for my DSis's DSS. His mum moved away with her new DP for several years, so he only saw her EOW. My BIL used to meet his ex half-way at a motorway services for the handover. During that time my DSis was the primary carer, as she was a SAHM, with younger DCs of her own. Thankfully, his mum was consistent, and didn't forever change the goalposts. She moved back afterwards and then they shared care. Now, he'll be 21 this year and he's married with a baby and has joined the army, so that's all over.

That kind of arrangement can work, but there clearly needs to be good cooperation. I'm so sorry that your DCs are suffering as a result of your ex's behaviour.

For a start I personally feel sorry for your children having to sit in a car for over 8 hrs on his weekend with them.