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Original poster

He wrote poems/sent flowers etc to his ex but nothing to me. Opinions please...

29 replies

Beegee02 · 21/04/2018 16:54

My DP was with his ex wife for 3 years in total when they got divorced. It was a long distance relationship and they married after a year of meeting. I have been with him now for 18 months.

I am just looking some perspective on the fact that when clearing his flat I found poems he had written for her declaring his love. I also know that he sent her flowers regularly. I am annoyed as he is not like this at all with me. He sent me 2 bunches of flowers during the first 3 months of our relationship and 1 on valentine's day this year. On our first valentine's together in 2017 I received absolutely nothing.

I have spoken to him about this and he says that she put him under pressure to be like this due to the distance and that he loves me more than he's ever loved anyone. AIBU to be upset by this?

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 21/04/2018 16:56

The fact that she is his ex implies that it wasn’t a perfect relationship, despite the poems.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 21/04/2018 16:56

I'm not sure. My exh write me poems and spent hundreds on flowers. Still a massive dick!!!

SoapOnARoap · 21/04/2018 16:57

Different relationships, have different dynamics.

Don’t sweat the small stuff

Graduate223 · 21/04/2018 17:01

I would be annoyed too as it’s not like he’s incapable of being romantic as he was before. I think flowers and presents at least now and then make you feel cherished, so why isn’t he making the effort? He sounds like he’s become lazy and not as passionate as he was about the ex. Don’t accept it if you don’t want to, tell him.

Original poster
Beegee02 · 21/04/2018 17:02

Thanks everyone. I have self-esteem issues and feel she must have been more important to him than me. They only finished as she cheated on him so I'm wondering if he would still be with her now if that hadn't happened. I have to admit I'm obsessing over it/her a bit, especially as she's over 10 years younger than me.

OP posts:
NakedBrainStrollingInManhatten · 21/04/2018 17:06

I wouldn't read too much into it. Different relationships have different dynamics.

Maybe the ex was very vocal about wanting these things so he did it? Maybe he's learnt a lot about how he wants to be in relationships since and feels no desire to act like that anymore. Maybe it was a rocky relationship and these things were done to make up for the fights? Maybe the ex was on a special diet where she could only be sustained by eating flowers and hearing rhyming couplets?

The point is that it doesn't matter because they aren't together anymore, presumably there's a reason for that. He's with you, if he's a good partner/ person and the day to day working of the relationship are good do the flowers and poems really matter enough to eclipse that?

NakedBrainStrollingInManhatten · 21/04/2018 17:09

Sorry cross posted with op.

Even if he would have still been with her if she didn't cheat, that's not the case.

They broke up, he's with you now, has been for a year by the sounds of it. Does it really matter how he might have felt of things were different?

Original poster
Beegee02 · 21/04/2018 17:10

Thanks @NakedBrainStrollingInManhatten for putting things in perspective. I don't think he is generally a hearts and flowers person so it probably was because he felt under pressure. However, I can't help thinking why he doesn't think I'm worth the effort.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beegee02 · 21/04/2018 17:13

To be honest I'm also annoyed he married her after a year and I'm still waiting after more than a year and a half. I told him from the start that I wanted marriage and children. I understand that he went through a divorce but it's not like I didn't make my intentions clear.

OP posts:
gearandloathing · 21/04/2018 17:14

Maybe she played games with him more, so he did the flowers thing because she was keeping him dangling?

But I'd say its a sign he feels secure with you if he doesn't do that.

Have you told him that you'd like flowers etc? Sometimes you need to make it clear what you'd like.

OakIsBetterTho · 21/04/2018 17:16

In the kindest possible way, you're being silly. It's an entirely different relationship so of course the dynamics and the timescale will be different for each relationship!

OakIsBetterTho · 21/04/2018 17:17

Also, it's no real wonder he's taking things a little slower this time (he seriously rushed with his ex!!). Once burnt and all that. I'd take it as a compliment really, thay he's not just rushing into something to make you happy and to keep in line with a timescale set by his ex

Twofer · 21/04/2018 17:18

My husband married his ex after about 18 months, I had to wait 7.5 years for a proposal, but I know he’s happier with me than he was with her...length of time doesn’t mean anything

Original poster
Beegee02 · 21/04/2018 17:51

Thanks so much. I realise that my low self-esteem/depression plays a big part in this but I just see it as he doesn't think I'm worth the effort... I probably need to get a grip before I ruin things.

OP posts:
Trippedupagain · 21/04/2018 17:53

It must have been really difficult to read those poems, but I hope you have binned them now as they mean nothing. You have him now, so don't let anything damage that.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 21/04/2018 17:53

Why has he still got poems he sent to her? Like, his little notes all scribbled in a diary? Or did she just return all his letters to him...?

lifebegins50 · 21/04/2018 18:23

How old are you both? He may have genuine reasons for not wanting to rush marriages I think under 2 years is a rush.

If he never wanted to marry again would you be ok with that?

ShamelesslyPlacemarking · 21/04/2018 18:31

To be honest I'm also annoyed he married her after a year and I'm still waiting after more than a year and a half.

It's entirely possible that the failure of the marriage (including her cheating) is in some part due to them rushing into it before getting to know each other properly.

TBH if I had a partner who read my personal correspondence, kept track of how many flowers I sent, and was pouting about both after 18 months, I would probably feel like I was making the right choice not to get down on one knee yet.

Thingsdogetbetter · 21/04/2018 18:55

With shamelesslyplacemarking on this. You have an unhealthy interest in his life with his ex.

He made, possibly demanded by her, romantic gestures and rushed into a marriage and had his heart broken. And you seem to want him to make the same gestures for you as a point scored competition with his ex to prove he loves you more. If you don't believe him when he tells you he loves and treats you like he loves you, will a bunch of flowers really prove it to you?

Queenofthedrivensnow · 21/04/2018 19:54

I guess you need to ask yourself if you didn't know all of this stuff how would you appraise the relationship?

I can kind of see the issue - you want to feel like an upgrade - and if you don't I'd ditch him x

MarvelleGazelle · 21/04/2018 19:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Voci · 22/04/2018 03:14

It’s normal, when you’re younger/more naïve. I’ve done all of the above for my first serious girlfriend (+- 5 years): poetry, flowers, creative birthday celebrations, spontaneous gifts, and other ‘romantic’ gestures. Can’t blame her. The reason I did it was because it made her happy, and I enjoyed seeing her happy. I didn’t do it against my will, it was enjoyable. The thing is when it eventually ends you feel stupid …

E.g.: her birthday, was quite a big thing for her for various reasons, so I used to create a rebus/puzzle containing various clues to the locations of her presents. This required quite a bit of planning, and a lot of work.

After this relationship I toned it down; nothing excessive but still thoughtful enough. Less, less effort. My basement still contains some –questionable- poetry (I’m no Catullus), scrapbooks etc… I suppose comparatively it could look a bit bad.

It’s simple though, I’m not the same person any more. The same goes for him probably. Different relationship, different dynamics, different expectations from the onset.

Namechanger1404 · 22/04/2018 03:24

‘Comparison is the thief of joy’

This..just this..

SoapOnARoap · 22/04/2018 12:43

To be honest I'm also annoyed he married her after a year and I'm still waiting after more than a year and a half

From your original post, I thought you’d been with him a long time. 18 months is nothing, you should be enjoying dating & getting to know him.

Live for today & the future will look after itself & as others have said, comparison is the thief of joy.

If you look it rationally, you weren’t even with him in say the summer of 2016, yet expect to commit the next 50 years together??? That is crazy

Insecure01111 · 08/05/2018 19:53

So sorry. I'm only seeing the replies now. I admit I do have an unhealthy obsession with his ex. I'm 35 and he's 34. When he met her she was 19 and he was 30 and it's obvious from looking at her photos that she is much more beautiful than me. Also, when clearing out his flat I found handcuffs in the drawer. He also told me at the beginning of our relationship that she had talked about having a threesome shortly before they broke up. Neither of these things are anything I would consider and I'm worried that she was much more sexually adventurous than me and that he misses that.

He did marry her so must have seen a future with her although his mum tells me she suspects it was to get a visa.