Wife taking it out on me at every DD's tantrum - suggestions?

[ExhaustedFather]

Dear mummies and daddies of mumsnet, I could use some advice on a situation at home that's getting a bit out of hand. Of course I mean some constructive advice: just saying "poor you", or "it's all your fault" or "you need to understand her" without elaborating doesn't help much.

When our 3-year old girl throws up tantrums, mummy is usually the only one who can calm her; we range from situations where she doesn't explicitly ask for mummy, but only mummy can calm her (eg refusing to go to bed because she wants whatever dessert she saw on TV), to cases where she goes totally ballistic because she has decided she wants to be near mummy and finds it unacceptable that mummy might be having a shower without her.

I have tried all I could think of: distracting our daughter with songs books toys, offering some milk or a babyccino, hugging her to comfort her, talking about inviting her best friend or her cousins over, etc. The only thing that works is pulling out a mobile and showing something on youtube, but I don't do that anymore as she seems addicted to it, and her reaction when I try to switch it off is even worse (withdrawal syndrome, almost).

The typical cycle is: kid throwing up a tantrum with parents, followed by wifey taking it out with hubby (me) and using me as kind of emotional punching bag.

Wifey's typical comments are along the lines of: what do I even need a husband for, I'm practically a single mum, why do I even have you in the house, all you do is bring a salary home, etc.

I always point out that it would be in my interest to be able to calm our daughter, because if I did I wouldn't get the double earache of daughter crying in my ears + wifey taking it out on me, and my life would be oh so much better. When I try to say this, and ask her: ok, what do you want me to do? Calm her by myself? I'd love to, but how? Reason with her? If you have found a way to reason with a toddler, you're in for a Nobel prize! Yes, it's unfair, yes, it sucks, no, I probably can't imagine what it must really mean for you... but, realistically, what can I do?

I work longer hours than my wife, typically arrive home 2 hours after her, so it's inevitable that our daughter spends more time with her than with me. Maybe if I were a stay at home dad things would be different, but neither that nor getting a 9-5 job closer to home are realistic options for now.

Thoughts? Thanks!

Op why are you only acknowledging and engaging with advice that you disagree with or that annoys you?

You've had a tonne of advice but are just spending your time getting worked up about the things that you don't like...

Take her in another room. Sit with your back against the door and ignore her until she blows herself out.

It won’t take long, and next time it will take even less time.

Honestly, this isn’t difficult.

Or use humour. I once got my DS out of a mega tantrum by telling him he was doing it wrong and that I would show him how to do it properly. I lay on the floor and did an exaggerated parody of a tantrum. He thought this was hilarious and stopped tantrumming so he could laugh.

OP, it is ok to restrain a tantrumming child if necessary as long as you can stay absolutely calm and not risk hurting her.

Also, while locking a child in a room may well cause trauma, that is not the same as locking the door to a room where she is accompanied by her loving father. Your psychologist friends sound as if they haven't really understood the situation. In a flat that small, locking the door to the room you are in is not really any different to your wife locking her bathroom door which even your friends would not deny she is entitled to do.

Think about it- how can your wife, or whoever does the daytime caring, get through the day without being able to handle tantrums? Answer is, they probably don't; they just take it for granted that these things happen on their watch (and probably sometimes in embarrassing public places) and that they have to get through it as best they can.

It's not a failure to be unable to stop your dd from tantrumming. Plenty of children (pace some of the parents on this thread) do go through a period of tantrumming that really has nothing to do with whether parents are firm or not; they are quite simply pig-headed enough to carry on anyway, for a year or two. You just have to have the attitude of "ok, this is where we're at, my job to be here and cope as best I can".

My sister in law had a similar problem with her nearly 3 year old daughter not settling for her husband. In the end she explained to to her daughter that it makes daddy upset when she is difficult and won't go to bed for him/listen to him etc. It actually seemed to work and she understood that it made her daddy sad, and has been much better since. Could your wife try talking to your daughter when she is calm one day? (I know she may feel like it is another thing to do!) Perhaps your daughter would understand if it was explained that you love her very much too and want the best for her?

SickOfThomasTheTank I think many you've misunderstood my post or I didn't explain well- yes I allow my child to cry, i dont punish or distract or ignore. I let them know I get that they're mad because of x and then

I stay nearby, offer a hug if wanted, and wait till they're calm and then we move on. It's not awful really!

If your daughter gets what she wants when she tantrums then the tantrums will continue. If you can’t ignore the tantrums because the tantrums will continue. She’s 3. This is what 3 year olds do.