Wife taking it out on me at every DD's tantrum - suggestions?

[ExhaustedFather]

Dear mummies and daddies of mumsnet, I could use some advice on a situation at home that's getting a bit out of hand. Of course I mean some constructive advice: just saying "poor you", or "it's all your fault" or "you need to understand her" without elaborating doesn't help much.

When our 3-year old girl throws up tantrums, mummy is usually the only one who can calm her; we range from situations where she doesn't explicitly ask for mummy, but only mummy can calm her (eg refusing to go to bed because she wants whatever dessert she saw on TV), to cases where she goes totally ballistic because she has decided she wants to be near mummy and finds it unacceptable that mummy might be having a shower without her.

I have tried all I could think of: distracting our daughter with songs books toys, offering some milk or a babyccino, hugging her to comfort her, talking about inviting her best friend or her cousins over, etc. The only thing that works is pulling out a mobile and showing something on youtube, but I don't do that anymore as she seems addicted to it, and her reaction when I try to switch it off is even worse (withdrawal syndrome, almost).

The typical cycle is: kid throwing up a tantrum with parents, followed by wifey taking it out with hubby (me) and using me as kind of emotional punching bag.

Wifey's typical comments are along the lines of: what do I even need a husband for, I'm practically a single mum, why do I even have you in the house, all you do is bring a salary home, etc.

I always point out that it would be in my interest to be able to calm our daughter, because if I did I wouldn't get the double earache of daughter crying in my ears + wifey taking it out on me, and my life would be oh so much better. When I try to say this, and ask her: ok, what do you want me to do? Calm her by myself? I'd love to, but how? Reason with her? If you have found a way to reason with a toddler, you're in for a Nobel prize! Yes, it's unfair, yes, it sucks, no, I probably can't imagine what it must really mean for you... but, realistically, what can I do?

I work longer hours than my wife, typically arrive home 2 hours after her, so it's inevitable that our daughter spends more time with her than with me. Maybe if I were a stay at home dad things would be different, but neither that nor getting a 9-5 job closer to home are realistic options for now.

Thoughts? Thanks!

My husband takes our daughter out on what he calls ‘Daddy daughter time’ for a couple of hours at the weekend, they often go to the park as it is her favourite place. This seems to have massively helped.

The book how to talk so little people listen is also helpful.

@MakeltRain (and others), you are reading way too much into tiny details! Get a grip and a sense of perspective! I am being disrespectful to my wife for calling her wifey? And she's angry because of my lack of respect? Any more insight you can infer from my choice of vocabulary?

In our circle of friends and acquaintances it's common to refer to spouses as 'hubby' and 'wifey' ; there is nothing derogatory or patronising or condescending. I appreciate not everyone may like it, but please trust me when I say not much can be inferred from this choice of words, other than possibly a lack of sophistication!

For example, I cringe when I read "darling husband/wife", which is what DW and DH, so ubiquitous on this forum, stand for. I wholeheartedly and vehemently dislike this choice of words; if I were to use them with my wife or in our social circle, I'd be teased and made fun of for the next decades. But I don't go out on a limb concocting psychological interpretations for why people use them, because I appreciate how subjective these things are.

As for the birthday present, what I meant was that I contacted her girlfriends, asked them to arrange a night out, and paid for her share. Nothing revolutionary, of course - I just wanted to explain that I do appreciate how important it is to have time to yourself, and that I do try to make it happen.

I very much doubt this is just about the tantrums when your wife lashes out.

You live in a small flat, we are coming out of winter, your wife’s been stuck in a lot with a tantruming toddler and she has to do it all.

I would suggest you invest some time in your relationship and really listen to what she’s saying.

She might expect you to realise that there’s an emotional toll to being the main caregiver and that she needs you to acknowledge that. Eg be thankful to her that she can deal with your dd’s tantrums.

Can you do regular things which help. Eg give her a lie in every weekend by taking DD out every Saturday for a swim, every morning make her a cup of tea etc etc.

I can't get past 'wifey'

It's all a bit 'oh help me I'm a man'

You know what you need to do-step up and start parenting-you don't need directions

🙄

what I meant was that I contacted her girlfriends, asked them to arrange a night out, and paid for her share

Er I hope you took her out yourself or bought her a gift.

Your daughter is 3 and should understand leave mummy alone or you will lose x, y or z privilege.

Let her throw a tantrum but both of you be strict. No way would I be calming a 3 year old tantrum by fussing over her with mummy love. She can scream the house down in a snotty, writhing mess. IGNORE. I have been known to walk out the house for 8 hours when DH is being spectacularly useless and deferring to me all the time. In the deep end with 3 small kids showed him how much I needed a break. It’s hard, it’s ear splitting but she will soon realise behaving like a baby throwing toddler tantrums gets you nowhere. A 3 year old is not a toddler. She starts school at 4 she will need to get out of this habit!

Be firm, both of you or you’ll raising a spoilt little princess getting everything she wants by pouting and fake tears.

Can people stop being unhelpful and picking up the OP for saying wifey instead of DW? “Dear wife” is also twee.

No wonder this place has a rep for being a “nest of vipers”. Step back and see the bigger picture

DH etc is just Mumsnet code. I use it because it's quick to type. I wouldn't say anything like it in real life. I think you and your wife are both feeling resentful and hard done by. How long is it since you last spent a few hours together without your daughter? You need to feel like a team, and it doesn't sound like you do. You need to both feel you each have the other's back. And you need to present a united front at all costs, or she will play you off against each other in years to come. I suggest you talk properly to each other, without her, preferably while doing something you enjoyed pre child, to remind yourselves why you decided to become parents together and to try to work out how to act as a team. Listen to each other without accusing the other one. I am sure you are both angry, resentful and defensive. You will have many parenting challenges in the future. You need to find a strategy to work together over them now.

You remind me of my dp when ds was little. And until about 12 months ago when ds was just approaching 3.5.

If ds wanted something out shopping dp would let him have it. Whether it was sweets, a toy, a magazine. Whatever. I had to be the bad guy and say no if it wasn't appropriate. Ds would paddy. Dp would either try and stop paddy by letting him have what he wanted or stood looking sad and helpless.

At home a bath for me in peace was like rocking horse shit. Going anywhere all together ended up with me seething and resentful, ds crying and dp looking sad and confused.

I told dp that unless he upped his parenting game we would end up with a 5 year old throwing himself on the floor in Tescos. I told him we agree before we go out what he can and cant have. And that we stick to it. That of he does through a paddy we explain why he can't have what he wants. Not because 'mummy said no'. But because he had sweets already. Or he had a toy yesterday. Or whatever. And that DP backed me up or I would walk away.

I did walk away a few times.

You need to sit down with her and talk about what you think you need to do. Tantrums are normal. Your wife probably deals with them daily multiple times. Read a parenting book. Talk to your wife.

@Dadaist, that ( www.google.com/amp/s/english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/amp/ ) was a good way to explain a concept I fully agree with. I also fully agree on the importance of stereotypes and of how we bring up our children. I'll never forget when a (somewhat distant) relative once called us, their child asked what I was doing, and couldn't believe it when my wife told her: "He's cooking". The reaction was: "But he's a man!". If little girls are brought up thinking it's normal that only women should cook, we're doing something very, very wrong as a society.

I did, however, laugh out loud when I read the part about paying the caretaker and sorting out bureaucratic stuff, because my wife has a total mental refusal for anything bureaucratic , and that's the source of other arguments between us. I don't mind at all sorting out mortgage ,insurance, taxes, paying the nanny, etc, but when there is something that I cannot do for her, it will take her ages. It took her 10 months to set up childcare vouchers to pay for the nursery, and in the end she only did it because I said: fine, from this time on I'm going to pester you every single morning and afternoon till you sort it out. I get it she's busy, but 10 months to set it up? I haven;t even calculated how much her delay cost us, but certainly a few hundred pounds thrown down the drain. I always joke she's lucky she doesn't need a visa to stay here, otherwise she would have clearly been deported long ago for failing to submit some paperwork on time. Oh, and she has always been like this, even when we were childless.

@Believeitornot , fine, I was a bad husband because I didn't buy her a gift, and I didn't buy her one because I know how we both prefer experiences (going out, seeing things, doing stuff) to objects as gifts. Shame on me. Can we move on now?

@mikado1 Did I just read that right-You just leave your child to cry....??

@Frouby, we typically present a common front and we both agree we shouldn't cave in and grant her every with at every tantrum. We recently took her to a kid's show where we knew there would be lots of merchandising toys junk food etc sold. We explained before leaving that we couldn't buy any of that stuff and I must say our daughter behaved herself. When this doesn't happen and she absolutely insists she wants to buy something or go somewhere specific, we do not cave in. If anything, I tend to be the stricter one.

We went on train and airplane journeys where we were deeply hated by all the other passengers because we let her cry till she came to her senses and the meltdown ended.

Wanting to be in the shower room with mummy is different because either she bangs on the door or I physically restrain her in another room, which my wife is not too keen on after speaking to those two psychologists I mentioned. I understand how this might give the impression that we always give up and grant her every wish, but that's not the case.

No.1 rule of tantrums- never ever give in. If dd is tantrumming about going in the shower with mum then she must not be allowed to do this. You ignore and you restrain if necessary. If you can be in a room which doesn't have access to the shower room door then go in this room and shut the door so you don't have to physically restrain her. You will not damage your 3-year old daughter by teaching her how to manage her emotions when she can't have what she wants. That kind of advice may be appropriate for a baby but as children grow up they need to start learning to deal with separations. Both they and you have language/communication skills which can explain and question what is happening whilst a baby does not.

Forgot to add - the only time you can give in and/or give attention to the tantrum in an attempt to stop it, is on a plane or train where you can't get dc away from the other travellers.

Is your property really so small that you have to restrain her to stop her knocking on the shower door! can you take her outside, engage in a game or activity elsewhere for 10 minutes to give her a break? Your dw does not need to make a deal of it, just leave you to it and nip off. As to the plane, sometimes you do need to compromise and that was not a good time to resist.

@ExhaustedFather well I wouldn’t move on no, because it might be part of a bigger picture.

Not sure you’re dealing with the tantrums well by ignoring. We didn’t ignore our dcs tantrums - and they very rarely had them. Explaining to a 3 year old is a nonsense - they live in the “now”. I used to repeat clearly to my ds that it “was not a buying day” and that was enough because he knew I meant it. One clear phrase.

You can comfort your child when they’re tantruming. Doesn’t mean you give in. We used to try and anticipate them. So in your case you know your dd is going to kick off if your wife has a shower, so take her out beforehand and do it quickly.

God OP..you were given so much advice but you just don't want to listen. Take your daughter out then..and let your wife shower in peace.

And you could have had an experience with her. A bit more thoughtful than just paying for her to have a meal out

Isn’t it all from one pot anyway? If my dh “paid” for something for me, that would be a nonsense because it’s our family money anyway!!!

Our salaries get paid into our respective accounts; we have a joint account we use for household expenses, and we contribute to it based on our salaries (who gets paid more contributes more than proportionally, obviously). The rest remains in our non-joint account and we each use it as we see fit. If we buy something for our daughter, it comes from the joint account; if it's for one of us, it comes from our respective non-joint accounts. For one-off expenses (eg a new car, holidays, our daughter;s junior isa) we add more funds to the joint account based on earnings and savings. We are both quite stingy, don't have any non-mortgage debt and have never had any argument or discussion about money. To each their own, but we find this works well for us. The money I paid for came from our non-joint account.
Oh, and btw I arranged that specific night out with ehr grirlfriends because, for a number of details I won't elaborate on here, it was something my wife had been trying to arrange for a while and I knew she was keen on. the point is: what you would have wanted is irrelevant - I arranged something I knew my wife would have liked, and she did. But if you have decided that was a big mistake on my part and it reflects very badly on me there is no point trying to change your mind.

"Take your daughter out". Yes, like I said, when it's feasible, I do. However, there are occasions when it's not - if it's late and dark and raining or whatever. Or when my wife starts showering when our daughter is asleep but then wakes up. Some of the posts seem to present oversimplified solutions - real life is a tad more complicated than that!

@LIZS, yes, our property is that small. Outside where? We don't have a garden. The balcony is dangerous because she might try to climb up during a meltdown. There's a communal roof terrace, but, again, dangerous during a meltdown.