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Original poster

DH won't forgive my best friend for what she did to me

88 replies

user301204 · 14/04/2018 16:54

Will try and keep this short! Six years ago my best friend went through something truly awful, and following this she took it out on me. Very hurtful things were said, and rather than accept it for what it was, I tried to defend myself against her untrue/unfair accusations and I made the situation worse and we fell out in a big way. We didn't speak for a couple of years and for that time I was devastated at the loss of our friendship (friends for 25 years) and obsessed about what went wrong constantly. Husband had to listen to a lot of this obsessing over the two years. She got back in touch four years ago when she heard through a mutual friend that I was going through a rough time. She suggested we didnt go over the past, but instead built on our long friendship to move forward. Which we have done. We've not dwelled on what happened, and I have accepted responsibility for what I did and have forgiven her for her part. The problem is my DH refuses to talk about her and won't let me see her with our two DC. He won't forgive her for what she did and how she treated me, and thinks I'm a fool and that she'll do it again. She invites us to stay with her and spend time with her family and he refuses and also says I'm not allowed to take our kids. It's causing a big problem with our relationship as I'm getting frustrated with his lack of forgiveness, and he cuts me off when I try to discuss it. Am I unreasonable to ask him to change his mind? Any advice around how I can encourage him to forgive and see that if me and my friend have moved past it all, he should too? I think part of it is that he always disliked her as we were so close and I think there was some jealousy going on. He accuses her of having some kind of hold over me and has even accused me of having a sexual relationship with her (I haven't, this is completely irrational). Any help or advice would be gratefully received.

OP posts:

bastardkitty · 14/04/2018 16:57

Your husband sounds like a nightmare. The falling out played right into his hands as he didn't want you to continue this friendship anyway. He tells you you can't take your kids to stay with your friend? Bollocks to that. He sounds like a controlling arsehole.

pog100 · 14/04/2018 17:01

He sounds like the problem. It isn't a mature attitude, in fact it is abusive, to think that you know better than your wife to the point of not 'allowing' her to do something. You are a grown independent woman, they are your kids, you can do what you wish without his agreement. You should visit if you wish. If this is enough to cause your relationship to break, it isn't a good relationship.

Lndnmummy · 14/04/2018 17:02

It sounds controlling he should be taking his cues from you in this one and let you take the lead on how to handle the situation.

NapQueen · 14/04/2018 17:03

Well he cant tell you who you can and cant be friends with. However he is a parent and if he has justifiable reasons (which we obvs dont know) to keep the kids away from her then fair enough.

There is a person in our extended family who I refuse to see and who knows he will never meet our children. He never has. If dh suggested taking the kids to him I would be furious.

Fieldsrus · 14/04/2018 17:05

I depends on exactly what she did i suppose. Its up to him if he doesn't want a relationship / talk with her but they are your kids as well.

Littlelambpeep · 14/04/2018 17:06

Unless she hit you or abused you - he is in the wrong. You are a very decent person to forgive her. We all make mistakes.

InDubiousBattle · 14/04/2018 17:09

A friend of my sister's did something utterly shitty t her many years ago. I haven't forgiven her and would never choose to spend time with her. I think my sister would be better off without her. I do spend time with her though, and don't lecture my sister about it. I am an adult and so is she so I know how to behave and she knows what's best for her. Your dh should grow up.

opionated · 14/04/2018 17:10

you sound weak its always the people that are in the wrong that want to 'move on' ime and put the past in the past nonsense

Cockmagic · 14/04/2018 17:10

What exactly happened?

It's hard to advise without knowing.

MinorRSole · 14/04/2018 17:11

I'm not convinced it's controlling tbh.
I had a massive falling out with a friend years ago. Her behaviour became extreme, borderline obsessive and scary. It had a profound effect on me at the time and I suffered bad depression afterwards.

If I took leave of my senses and reconciled I know dh would be furious and also not want the children involved - as their father he would be justified in protecting them from someone he felt so negatively towards.

Your dh has seen you suffer at her hands before and is understandably concerned of a repeat. She has shown you her true colours, do you really trust her not to do that again?

mindutopia · 14/04/2018 17:13

I think it depends what happens with her. If her behaviour was abusive or put you or your children at risk, then that sounds sensible. If your dh just doesn’t like her because he’s jealous and controlling because once you two had a little argument, then that’s not sensible. I think context makes a huge difference in this situation. Our children are banned from seeing someone my dh maintains a relationship with, but it’s because that person has helped to facilitate the abuse of another child. That’s different than just not liking someone.

Gemini69 · 14/04/2018 17:18

I don't like the sound of your alleged friend tbh... he maybe doesn't want his kids around someone so nasty

Kissthealderman · 14/04/2018 17:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

greendale17 · 14/04/2018 17:22

Depends what she did

fruitbrewhaha · 14/04/2018 17:23

What was he like at the time of the falling out? Was he trying to get you to see sense and reconcile or was he perhaps egging you on? Do you think he prefered you not being friends with her?

stitchglitched · 14/04/2018 17:23

Whatever the friend did how is the husband anything but controlling when OP says he was jealous of her even before the falling out and accuses OP of having sex with her!

Buzzlightyearsbumchin · 14/04/2018 17:25

If I saw someone I love unjustly hurt, and then obsessing and still upset over it constantly for 2 years then I would be reluctant to have that person in my life too.

It's a difficult one to judge without knowing what she said exactly.

Rudgie47 · 14/04/2018 17:25

What exactly did she say to you? if she was being really abusive or has hit you then I dont blame your husband.

sonjadog · 14/04/2018 17:26

I think this is quite a common situation. He has seen someone he loves me badly hurt by someone else. He has no emotional ties to the other person, so while you have those ties to want to get over it and move on, he doesn't.

Bouledeneige · 14/04/2018 17:27

How can this man not allow you to see anyone? Thats sound really off to me.

What did she do?

TheQueenOfWands · 14/04/2018 17:29

I'm with him.

She sounds like a nightmare.

Took it out on you? And from what you said made false allegations about you?

No wonder she doesn't want to speak about the past and build forward...

Slievenamon · 14/04/2018 17:29

Tell him to go fuck himself and do what you want.

BangPippleGo · 14/04/2018 17:29

He is BU by not letting you take the children to see her, but not for not forgiving her.

My DBro and SIL have done some really dickish things over the past few years that have really hurt me. I put it aside because he is my brother and I love him, and so I tolerate SIL for the same reason. DH is the one who had to pick up the pieces when they upset me and he refuses to have a relationship with them. They can be civil and in the same room, but DH will not willingly engage in conversation with SIL (very easy since she doesn't like him and won't talk to him anyway). That's his right - but he would never stop me, DS or DSS from having a relationship with them.

Slievenamon · 14/04/2018 17:30

I'm with him

You're with the man who tells his wife she isn't allowed to see people or go places? And accuses her of sleeping with her friends?

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/04/2018 17:32

He must have specific concerns about her having contact with your children. OP hasn’t said anything else that makes him sound like an irrational or horrible man.

He was the one who put up with 2 years of what sounds like like pretty incessant complaining about the “friend”’s terrible and hurtful behaviour. For which she’s never apologised.

He isn’t inevitable “controlling” or “abusive” to stop his DC from spending time with someone who so upset their mother she didn’t stop going on about it for years.

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