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Original poster

DH won't forgive my best friend for what she did to me

88 replies

user301204 · 14/04/2018 16:54

Will try and keep this short! Six years ago my best friend went through something truly awful, and following this she took it out on me. Very hurtful things were said, and rather than accept it for what it was, I tried to defend myself against her untrue/unfair accusations and I made the situation worse and we fell out in a big way. We didn't speak for a couple of years and for that time I was devastated at the loss of our friendship (friends for 25 years) and obsessed about what went wrong constantly. Husband had to listen to a lot of this obsessing over the two years. She got back in touch four years ago when she heard through a mutual friend that I was going through a rough time. She suggested we didnt go over the past, but instead built on our long friendship to move forward. Which we have done. We've not dwelled on what happened, and I have accepted responsibility for what I did and have forgiven her for her part. The problem is my DH refuses to talk about her and won't let me see her with our two DC. He won't forgive her for what she did and how she treated me, and thinks I'm a fool and that she'll do it again. She invites us to stay with her and spend time with her family and he refuses and also says I'm not allowed to take our kids. It's causing a big problem with our relationship as I'm getting frustrated with his lack of forgiveness, and he cuts me off when I try to discuss it. Am I unreasonable to ask him to change his mind? Any advice around how I can encourage him to forgive and see that if me and my friend have moved past it all, he should too? I think part of it is that he always disliked her as we were so close and I think there was some jealousy going on. He accuses her of having some kind of hold over me and has even accused me of having a sexual relationship with her (I haven't, this is completely irrational). Any help or advice would be gratefully received.

OP posts:

supersop60 · 14/04/2018 18:11

I can understand a little of what your H is thinking. My BIL treated my dsis very badly a few years ago. (affair related, and he behaved very badly towards her - temper, blaming, lying and refused to move out) it's now 5 years on and they are moving slowly towards a reconciliation. I am having terrible trouble being civil to him - I didn't go to their house for two years because I was so angry.
I understand that my dsis is willing to move forward and so I will bite my lip, but i have a very vivid memory of my sister's breakdown, the months of therapy, the awful effect it had on the children, the family funds dwindling to almost nothing.
So Op, yes, your H does sound controlling, and I can also see his POV.

pictish · 14/04/2018 18:11

It depends what your relationship with dh is like otherwise. Do you know him to be controlling, overbearing, bossy or jealous in other ways?

My son had a fall out with a friend a couple of years ago and the friend went on to treat him appallingly, causing him no end of trouble and despair. They have made it up now and while my every instinct is dead against their friendship for fear of a repeat performance, I have never said anything to my son beyond a warning to be very careful.
It’s not up to me who he’s friends with.

bastardkitty · 14/04/2018 18:19

There's also the issue of the H having accused the OP of having a sexual relationship with the friend

snewname · 14/04/2018 18:25

She does seem to have some sort of hold over you if you were devastated for two years and then forgave her just like that. Very much depends on the context.

BrendasUmbrella · 14/04/2018 18:33

Is she your main close friend? Do you have other close friends, and how is he with them? Also, is he okay with your family and does he encourage you to see them?

I'm just wondering if he is controlling in general, or just in this one instance.

wastingtimeontinternet · 14/04/2018 18:40

Him accusing you of having a sexual relationship with her is a bit weird and potentially suggestive of some unreasonable-ness on your DH's part....

But apart from that, from the description you've given, it doesn't sound to me like he's being unreasonable. She was at fault and all you did was try to defend yourself against false accusations, but you've had to accept responsibility for the part you played (what exactly is it you're supposed to have done wrong?), whilst she's never apologised. Honestly I'd be wary of her too, and probably looking to protect young children from getting close to her and her family too, in case she behaves that way again.

He has no right to stop you from seeing her, but he's not doing that anyway (though I wouldn't blame him from being frustrated with your decision to immediately forgive her, given he's the one who had to deal with the - lengthy - fallout in the past, and would have to again if anything happened again). It sounds like he's just trying to protect his kids.

OliviaStabler · 14/04/2018 18:40

It is hard to say without further details.

If you obsessed about this friendship breakup for 2 years, then I can begin to understand why your DH does not want you near her.

Angelf1sh · 14/04/2018 18:56

Your husband doesn’t have to forgive your friend just because you have. He’s entitled to his own opinions and to like and dislike people as he sees fit. You are being unreasonable to expect him to do want you want and like he’d again.

Your children are also his children and he’s entitled to a say in where they go, who they see and what they do. It will depend on what she actually did as to whether refusing to permit the children to see her is reasonable or not.

Up till the bit about accusing you of having sex with her, I was totally with your husband. This makes it look like it’s probably a mixture of controlling and reasonable behaviour on his part.

Ultimately you can’t make him like your friend and it’s perfectly possible to maintain your friendship without your partners and kids mixing so if I were you I’d just stick to you and her seeing each other. I would also review your relationship with your husband though to see if he is exhibiting signs of controlling behaviour elsewhere.

Gabilan · 14/04/2018 18:58

Him accusing you of having a sexual relationship with her is a bit weird and potentially suggestive of some unreasonable-ness on your DH's part

Potentially, yes. OTOH if this were a male friend, it would be the go-to response. I do think we need more context. If the DH is controlling in other ways, then this behaviour is highly problematic. If he's generally reasonable, then perhaps he's seeing something the OP isn't. Married women do sometimes have affairs with other women.

Most of this can be read in different ways. Her getting in touch when the OP is low could be kind, or could be controlling. But it's this bit that rings alarm bells for me "rather than accept it for what it was, I tried to defend myself against her untrue/unfair accusations and I made the situation worse". It's natural to defend oneself against hurtful accusations, and odd that the OP has taken so much of the blame for what happened on herself.

RedDogsBeg · 14/04/2018 19:00

Maybe the 'having a sexual relationship' comment was a throwaway line or made out of frustration during the two years of the OP obsessing over the loss of the friendship. I can understand her dh snapping and making it as it does all seem an excessively dramatic reaction to the loss of a friendship, particularly when the friend behaved towards the OP in the manner the OP described. OP's dh has seen this friendship up close, he feels the OP is in thrall to this friend, he sees/has seen the effect and impact this friendship has had on the OP and for whatever reason he neither likes it nor is comfortable with it and as he is the one 'on the ground' his opinion shouldn't be dismissed out of hand or have nefarious motives automatically applied to it.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/04/2018 19:57

It really is hard to judge without knowing the details. But I'm going to go on faith that she didn't do anything truly beyond the Pale. If you and she have a 'forgive and forget' pact, then DH should respect that regardless of his personal feelings about what she did. It is his right to decide that he doesn't want to be around her, but he doesn't get to choose your friends. In your situation, my DH might tell me I'm a damned fool to resume the friendship but he certainly wouldn't be punitive if I did.

DH has a BFF I can't stand. He's a vile drunk under certain circumstances, other times he's 'tolerable'. Unfortunately his wife is my BFF. I have put my foot down that I will not be around said friend if his wife is not there. And that I will leave if he comes alone to our house. But I would NEVER presume to tell my DH with whom he can and cannot be friends. And if our children were small (they're adults) I would never stop him taking them to this friend's house. I know my DH well enough to know that he would never put our children in danger.

What reason does your DH give for telling you that you 'can't' take them to see her? And why do you think he has the right to tell you that, anyway?

Thinkingofausername1 · 14/04/2018 20:03

You sure nothings gone on between them? On a more level thought, he probably doesn't want any more shit to happen and see you upset again.

Original poster

user301204 · 14/04/2018 22:23

Thanks for your replies, I wasn't expecting so many. Lately he hasn't been very supportive of my choices, and this is one of them. But I think the posters who say I can't force him to forgive her are right, so I should probably stop trying to force it, while also reinforcing that I can make my own choices. I don't think she would do it again (there was nothing physical or abusive that means DC would be at harm), but if she did I don't think I would be affected in the same way as I've learnt from last time not to let it consume me.

OP posts:

Original poster

user301204 · 14/04/2018 22:23

OP posts:

KERALA1 · 14/04/2018 23:16

Some people particularly men can be quite black and white. Often they're right. Your friend sounds awful. Why take her shit out on you? Sounds like he has your back.

OliviaStabler · 14/04/2018 23:25

One thing I will say OP is be careful. I am in a similar situation at the moment. My friend and I had a falling out many years ago that was very painful. Although a few years later we made up and have been mates since, she literally just did it again to me. Of course it is all my fault, like it was last time I won't be fooled again and this time I don't think there is any going back.

I wonder now if I should have let myself get so close to her again

TwentySmackeroos · 14/04/2018 23:29

I think it is very telling that the renewed friendship will be based on ground rules the friend has decided upon. Is that fair to you, op? As a pp asked, has she owned her part in the falling out?

I think the above is relevant regardless of whether your DH is or isn't being controlling. that is a separate concern (though no less a valid one). Try to extrapolate then separately: is your friendship with her a healthy, loving, supportive and trustworthy one? Are there genuine concerns why your dh wants to keep her at arm's length?

differentnameforthis · 14/04/2018 23:29

You aologised for defending yourself? Were you supposed to just take her abuse?

Your friend & dh are as bad as each other. She insists that you are not allowed to talk about the past, that you must move on. Your dh refuses to talk about it.

I'd get rid of both.

He sounds like a controlling arsehole. So does the friend. Insisting they don't talk about the past etc.

differentnameforthis · 14/04/2018 23:37

She got back in touch four years ago when she heard through a mutual friend that I was going through a rough time
Tough time = op more vulnerable?

Op, was your tough time with your dh?

IntoTheFloodAgain · 14/04/2018 23:51

Hmm I’m more with the DH on this one (as I understood the OP meant he didn’t want their dc seeing her not OP herself), apart from the sexual relationship accusation. That’s a bit of a weird one for me. However, OP it sounds like you were quite intense about her for two years (and possibly long before the falling out?) so maybe it’s not it’s not that weird.

I have an entitled ‘friend’ who behaved appallingly with me on a night out. Even though it was just drunk behaviour, sometimes I still wish I’d just ended contact then. She was disgraceful towards me, and if someone behaved that way with me today I wouldn’t give them a second chance, but back then I was very calm and could keep my composure easily.

If someone behaved the same way with DH I’d also be very reluctant to welcome them back into our lives (especially after two years of obsessing and them seemingly going running when they ask once).

So I can see where he’s coming from. But without the full story (is he actually controlling etc) it’s hard to say for certain.

lattewith3shotsplease · 14/04/2018 23:52

OP,
Your friend.... so why do you need your DH or DC to be involved in this friendship?

Go and see her alone.

Doublevodka · 15/04/2018 00:00

If somebody really hurt a person I truly love and care about, I would not want to be friends with them.

gillybeanz · 15/04/2018 00:14

I'm not sure if he's caring about you or being controlling.
I suppose if he feels she is a bad person then your kids shouldn't be around her and if he's supported you when your friend hurt you, I can see his point.
However, nobody has a right to tell you what you can do when you're a grown adult, tell him you're all going and he can stay at home if he wants.

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 15/04/2018 01:37

I don't think anyone can real form more than a superficial opinion without more detail about what happened and what each person's characters are like.

dustarr73 · 15/04/2018 09:51

Op you where right to defend yourself.Sounds like your friend is used to you just doing what she says.And when you didnt she "punished" you by not talking to you for a few years.

Im afraid im with your Dh,how could you ever trust her again.The friend sounds like hard work.And why allow her to bring trouble to your marriage.Cut contact and leave her be.

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