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Original poster

DH won't forgive my best friend for what she did to me

88 replies

user301204 · 14/04/2018 16:54

Will try and keep this short! Six years ago my best friend went through something truly awful, and following this she took it out on me. Very hurtful things were said, and rather than accept it for what it was, I tried to defend myself against her untrue/unfair accusations and I made the situation worse and we fell out in a big way. We didn't speak for a couple of years and for that time I was devastated at the loss of our friendship (friends for 25 years) and obsessed about what went wrong constantly. Husband had to listen to a lot of this obsessing over the two years. She got back in touch four years ago when she heard through a mutual friend that I was going through a rough time. She suggested we didnt go over the past, but instead built on our long friendship to move forward. Which we have done. We've not dwelled on what happened, and I have accepted responsibility for what I did and have forgiven her for her part. The problem is my DH refuses to talk about her and won't let me see her with our two DC. He won't forgive her for what she did and how she treated me, and thinks I'm a fool and that she'll do it again. She invites us to stay with her and spend time with her family and he refuses and also says I'm not allowed to take our kids. It's causing a big problem with our relationship as I'm getting frustrated with his lack of forgiveness, and he cuts me off when I try to discuss it. Am I unreasonable to ask him to change his mind? Any advice around how I can encourage him to forgive and see that if me and my friend have moved past it all, he should too? I think part of it is that he always disliked her as we were so close and I think there was some jealousy going on. He accuses her of having some kind of hold over me and has even accused me of having a sexual relationship with her (I haven't, this is completely irrational). Any help or advice would be gratefully received.

OP posts:

Juells · 14/04/2018 17:32

you sound weak its always the people that are in the wrong that want to 'move on' ime and put the past in the past nonsense

I think it's a bit unfair of so many posters accusing your DH of being controlling. Maybe he just doesn't want to see you hurt again.

Slievenamon · 14/04/2018 17:35

I think it's a bit unfair of so many posters accusing your DH of being controlling

He is controlling.

Aridane · 14/04/2018 17:36

DH sounds a tad creepy

Shoxfordian · 14/04/2018 17:41

Does he usually tell you who you can and can't see? He's controlling

gamerchick · 14/04/2018 17:42

I think if you bounced this issue with your friend repeatedly off him when it was happening he has the right to say he doesn’t want to go through that again. 2 YEARS of near constant obsessing over it would drive a saint to drink. This friendship sounds very intense.

He doesn’t want to forgive and not should you ask him to. Be friends all you want with her but accept he doesn’t want to know.

diddl · 14/04/2018 17:42

Well if I've read it correctly you do seem to be in her thrall.

She lied about you, took no notice of you trying to put your side across.

Yet now she wants to be friends & you go running back.

Why?

cansu · 14/04/2018 17:43

I think he is using the fall out as an excuse to try and control your access to this friend. I would tell him that he is under no obligation to socialise with her if he doesn't want to but that you and the children will do whatever you want. He sounds like an arse frankly. This is also a lesson to you in keeping him out of your friendships.

opionated · 14/04/2018 17:43

Not exactly how I'd have put it, but I agree with Opionated. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Maybe your DH sees the situation more clearly than you do. IMO your friend will do the same thing again some time.
actually i dont know if the op is weak so probably chose the wrong word its just a pattern i see of people in the wrong always say move on. not to say you shouldnt move on but the specifics of the situation would change the response you get if what she did was relatively minor. then the husband is in the wrong if it was major then he is not.

gamerchick · 14/04/2018 17:44

He accuses her of having some kind of hold over me

Well to be fair it does look like that tbh. She just had to click her fingers, tell you not to go over it all and move on and you did.

Juells · 14/04/2018 17:46

Does he usually tell you who you can and can't see? He's controlling

If I understand what the OP says, he isn't stopping her from seeing her friend. He's stopping their children. He's entitled, just as she'd be entitled if her DH had a friend that she thought was unstable or nasty or a bit too overpowering.

Lndnmummy · 14/04/2018 17:46

Well he is accusing op of having a sexual relationship with her friend?
That doesn’t sound abusive/controlling to you lot?

Fengshui · 14/04/2018 17:47

I think we need to know the details too because it makesa difference.

My DM has forgiven her sister who used to beat her and punch her, and who usedto punch the shit out of me when I was a very small child. Her sister who told my DM that their father raping my mother throughout her childhood was my mother's fault because she was a 'little slut'.

My DM has a monthly lunch with her sister 'because she is my sister'. I refuse to allow myself or my children anywhere near my aunt. My mother tells me how embarrassed that makes her, and how what happened never really affected me so I am being stupid and silly for not letting bygones be bygones.

The only time I have been in my aunt's presence with my children is when my mother threw a 'surprise' party for my eldest.

Too fucking right I went ballistic over that. That was not being controlling, that was protecting my family.

Juells · 14/04/2018 17:47

Accused? Or asked? I don't think it was such a weird question in the circumstances.

YearOfYouRemember · 14/04/2018 17:47

So she's mean to you, ignores you for years then deigns to make up as long as you don't remind her about how she treated you and your DH is the bad guy? Blimey.

MarvelleGazelle · 14/04/2018 17:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gamerchick · 14/04/2018 17:49

Tbh we don’t know the context of the falling out do we? The OP could be minimising to get people to say her bloke is unreasonable and a bit of a dick.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 14/04/2018 17:49

I can see both sides here. You and your friend want to move on and put the past behind you, but your DH saw you badly treated & then saw how you suffered as a result of her actions and then the loss of the friendship. If someone I loved had been the subject of such awful behaviour as you describe I would find it hard to understand why they wanted to be friends with that person and worried about it happening again. It is awful seeing someone we love being abused & hurt & presumably he is concerned about his children being around the person who was responsible for hurting their mother so badly, maybe with some justification, it is hard to say based on the information your have given. Maybe you should just give it time with regards to taking the children, you and her can rebuild your friendship on your own, your children don't need to be part of that just yet. Maybe your DH just needs time to learn to trust that she will not kick off again.

MarvelleGazelle · 14/04/2018 17:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/04/2018 17:50

It really depends on what she said and did. Would you be willing to share this?

Dh had a group of friends, who never really accepted me. I managed to get rid of them some time ago by finally calling out one of them and they ganged up on me. They were basically mostly pisstakers and users but dh didn’t mind because we had a fair amount of disposable income at the time. The women (who ran the show) treated me more like the maid and basically wanted him to themselves and I imagine for him to divorce me. A couple of them were having long term affairs with married men but I don’t think they ever tried with dh. Anyway if they did, nothing happened. He met them after we met btw.

If dh ever socialised with these people again, I don’t think I could get over it. But if he tried to get dd involved, I would go ballistic. Not because I’m controlling. But because they are and much more besides. I appreciate it sounds as though your dh is controlling on the surface but I really do think it depends on what she did. Much as I appreciate this scenario is a little different but in essence it is similar.

diddl · 14/04/2018 17:53

" the friend got back in touch when she heard the OP was going through a rough time."

Might not have been out of kindness though-just to pull Op back in.

WallisFrizz · 14/04/2018 17:53

You need to give details. Nobody can form a decent opinion about this without knowing who did what.

MarvelleGazelle · 14/04/2018 17:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedDogsBeg · 14/04/2018 17:57

OP you say you have accepted responsibility for your part in the events with your friend and have forgiven her for hers - has she done the same?

I can understand your husband not wanting to forgive her or be in her company he has had two years of you obsessing and lived with your hurt and devastation, he has seen the damage caused by your falling out first hand, he is rightly wary that it will happen again and he will be the one picking up the pieces.

You cannot force your husband to forgive and move on just because you have chosen to and you are unreasonable to expect him to do so, he has a right to his own feelings on the matter. If he doesn't want to join in with anything with her and just wants you to see her on your own I think that is fair enough, he clearly doesn't trust her and doesn't want your children involved in any crossfire if, as he believes, the inevitable fall out will happen. Don't try and force the issue, leave it alone, perhaps in time when he sees the friendship is not going the way it did before he may change his mind.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 14/04/2018 18:08

It really depends what the hurtful accusations were - if she accused you of something really awful and your husband had to deal with the fall out from that, I can understand his frustration that you are putting yourself in line for more drama,

Also if the accusations had anything to do with your children (eg if she was infertile and accused you of being a useless parent/not deserving children etc), then he may feel she resents them on some level and may show this by undermining them/you.

magoria · 14/04/2018 18:09

So you never actually did anything wrong were accused, not allowed to put your side across and she has never apologised for what she said/did merely said let's forget it.

She treated you like crap and has never owned it.

I can see why your DH may be pissed off.

You may be happy to brush it under the carpet. He has seen how upset she has made you over the last few years. Perhaps he can't forgive her that. He doesn't have to.

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