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Original poster

DH won't forgive my best friend for what she did to me

88 replies

user301204 · 14/04/2018 16:54

Will try and keep this short! Six years ago my best friend went through something truly awful, and following this she took it out on me. Very hurtful things were said, and rather than accept it for what it was, I tried to defend myself against her untrue/unfair accusations and I made the situation worse and we fell out in a big way. We didn't speak for a couple of years and for that time I was devastated at the loss of our friendship (friends for 25 years) and obsessed about what went wrong constantly. Husband had to listen to a lot of this obsessing over the two years. She got back in touch four years ago when she heard through a mutual friend that I was going through a rough time. She suggested we didnt go over the past, but instead built on our long friendship to move forward. Which we have done. We've not dwelled on what happened, and I have accepted responsibility for what I did and have forgiven her for her part. The problem is my DH refuses to talk about her and won't let me see her with our two DC. He won't forgive her for what she did and how she treated me, and thinks I'm a fool and that she'll do it again. She invites us to stay with her and spend time with her family and he refuses and also says I'm not allowed to take our kids. It's causing a big problem with our relationship as I'm getting frustrated with his lack of forgiveness, and he cuts me off when I try to discuss it. Am I unreasonable to ask him to change his mind? Any advice around how I can encourage him to forgive and see that if me and my friend have moved past it all, he should too? I think part of it is that he always disliked her as we were so close and I think there was some jealousy going on. He accuses her of having some kind of hold over me and has even accused me of having a sexual relationship with her (I haven't, this is completely irrational). Any help or advice would be gratefully received.

OP posts:

Cambionome · 15/04/2018 10:11

It's hard to comment without having more idea of what the original argument/falling out was about, but your husband is raising a few red flags for me.

I understand that he may be trying to protect you from another horrible situation, but he doesn't have the right to tell you who you can or can't see. As for the allegations of a sexual relationship between you and your friend... weird. And creepy.

RedDogsBeg · 15/04/2018 10:24

OP it is your choice regarding your friendship but you can't make that choice for your dh and imo nor for your children either. Your dh is right to be wary and to want to protect the children from the possibility of a another nasty fall out.

SandyY2K · 15/04/2018 11:58

I'm with your DH on this one tbh. He saw how her actions affected you and he doesnt want any of it.

I'd be annoyed if a friend of DHs treated him badly and wanted to get back in as though nothing ever happened. That's rugsweeping and I don't buy into it. You're letting her get away with not being accountable for her actions.

It's very easy to cause damage and then say let's not talk about it.

emmyrose2000 · 15/04/2018 12:50

I'm with DH on this one.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 15/04/2018 13:53

Has she apologised to you yet? Have you talked about it at all? I don't see how you can be friends if you haven't. Why are you letting her treat you so dismissively?

2andcountingtodate · 15/04/2018 14:41

So you apologised and said about moving on when she was terrible to you? Sounds like you were very vulnerable. Whether you dp is unreasonable or not no one can say without knowing your relationship with him or your friend. You sound like you are forgive forget and minimise but that doesnt always work for people who have seen the fallout.

My mum told me of some horrible things my nan did to her and my aunt can act like. I now see them so very differently then her. I love them as I always have but if I didnt have that love first then i would be telling her to steer clear.

Aminuts23 · 15/04/2018 14:55

OP I’ve had this too. My BFF and I fell out badly. She was vile to me, the police were involved at one point. She harassed my family, told hurtful lies about me etc. We made up after about 6 years but she never ever apologised or acknowledged how much she’d hurt me. We were friends again for about 10 years. Last year or so has been hard work, she’s blamed me for alsorts again. She broods and deliberately misinterprets everything I say. She’s fallen out with me again and to be honest I’m glad. I don’t want anything more to do with her. My family all hated me being friends with her again. They couldn’t forgive the hurt she caused all of us last time. They couldn’t understand why I would entertain her. With hindsight they were absolutely 100% right. If your DH is worried about you that’s because he cares and no doubt remembers your hurt.

midsomermurderess · 15/04/2018 15:13

Your husban is on no position to forbid you from seeing her.

Gemini69 · 15/04/2018 15:18

Your husband is on no position to forbid you from seeing her

but He hasn't 'forbade' her to see her friend... He's told her HE and their Kids won't be seeing the friend...

Dvg · 15/04/2018 15:42

I would say completely depends on what she did and those saying he is BU are wrong to think that without knowing the full story, for example i bet if you turned around and said she had gone and murdered your family then they wouldn't be saying that Haha.

BUT i know if someone had hurt my partner that bad then i wouldn't be too forgiving either but it depends on what she did and what was said.

AllRoadsLeadBackToRadley · 16/04/2018 00:43

Accusing you of sleeping with your friend was a dick move.

BUT, I can see the other side too. DH (and basically everyone in my inner circle) have spent the last two years building me back up after a horrible friendship break up. If I was to make up with the twaty friend, (and this is jost my personal opinion) I have a feeling that they would all think that it was two years wasted iyswim?

Why is she willing to just gloss over something serious enough to ditch you over at the time?

ShatnersWig · 16/04/2018 08:08

Without knowing a lot more than we are being told, it is actually completely impossible for us to say whether the DH is controlling or not, bearing in mind we've got a few lines snapshot from the OP whereas he's been living with it for years.

ShatnersWig · 16/04/2018 08:09

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