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Original poster

Went home with a drunk date

99 replies

mooneus · 14/04/2018 03:49

So I have been on a 2nd date with a guy. We were having a really nice time and he suggested going back to mine and I agreed. In the taxi home I realised how drunk he was and assumed then we would get home and fall asleep. When we got into bed he tried it on with me but my body wouldn't respond, even though I wanted it to. Then he proceeded to get rough and started biting me, which I don't like. I wasn't feeling it, so I let him do what he wanted. He kept asking if I was ok and I just said I was tired. Then after he realised he wasn't going to get anywhere he got mad and called a taxi to go back to his. Is this my fault for leading him on? If he wasn't so drunk I would have slept with him

OP posts:
Tictactic · 14/04/2018 03:59

Moon, has this happened just now?
It is in no way your fault. I'd be seeing huge red flags and would run for the hills. There would certainly be no 3rd date. A nice guy would not get angry and leave. How did you meet him?

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 14/04/2018 04:01

When a guy treats a woman badly that is ALWAYS his decision and his fault. If he was a decent guy he would have just said ok, rolled over and gone to sleep when he saw you weren’t interested.

At the same time, I would never invite a date back to mine after a night out unless I intended to have sex with him. A friend of mine has ended up in some pretty unpleasant situations doing this. People interpret that invite as an invitation to have sex and will be disappointed if that doesn’t eventuate.

I am NOT excusing his behaviour. He’s a jerk and happily he’s shown his true colours before you wasted any more time on him.

Cleavergreene · 14/04/2018 04:49

You know this is not normal behaviour, right? Even if the bloke thought he was likely to get lucky, at the point you weren’t responding would have been the point he should have stopped.

I’m not sure what biting occurred...you mean nibbling? Biting seems a bit fucked up.

moreDetails · 14/04/2018 05:30

He shouldn't have been mad or cross but I understand why he'd be very confused.

Of course, any reason is good enough to not date someone again.

TalkFastThinkSlow · 14/04/2018 05:59

You invited him round to your house.
You invited him into your bed
You also didn't make it clear that you didn't want to have sex.
Men aren't mind readers, so I'm not surprised he got confused and angry.

It's very rare on a 2nd date that someone stays over with the intention of sleeping! I think you have been a little naive, but now you know for the next guy.

I am aware I will probably get flamed for victim blaming.

SJM72 · 14/04/2018 06:25

This is not your fault in any way whatsoever.

I don’t think you should see this guy again. He’s clearly a horses arse.

Tamatave2000 · 14/04/2018 06:32

This reply has been deleted

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Fengshui · 14/04/2018 06:51

Tama a grown woman in control of her own life and body is perfectly entitled to do whatever she chooses with her body with whoever she pleases whenever she pleases.

StealthPolarBear · 14/04/2018 06:51

The op wanted sex I assume originally but then changed her mind when she realised how drunk he was and how off-putting.

StealthPolarBear · 14/04/2018 06:52

And women are allowed to be "easy". It shouldn't be a playground insult any more.

LimonViola · 14/04/2018 07:06

Tamatave2000 Sorry, are we supposed to only let men play us on 'hard mode' for a while first? I didn't realise I, a human with my own thoughts and dreams and desires, was somehow a game with different modes of difficulty.

Tamatave2000 · 14/04/2018 07:37

To all Posters

OP is entitled to choose of course, but read the post carefully. The question:

"Is this my fault for leading him on?"

I would say yes. He was led on, but that does not justify the rough and biting that followed. Either can call things off at any time.

Fieldsrus · 14/04/2018 07:40

" a grown woman in control of her own life and body is perfectly entitled to do whatever she chooses with her body with whoever she pleases whenever she pleases."

Would you be ok with man being substituted with woman in that sentence ?

moreDetails · 14/04/2018 07:44

"a grown woman ... is perfectly entitled to do whatever she chooses with her body with whoever she pleases whenever she pleases."

I can't for a second agree with that but it's good to know where you're coming from!

PetulantPolecat · 14/04/2018 07:52

Well you say you wanted to sleep with him and would have, so I would say it’s your fault for not communicating like an adult and letting him know why you changed your mind and what you wanted to happen instead.

“I’d love to fuck but you’re too drunk and it’s a complete turn off. So let’s sleep it off and try another date?”

If he acted like an ass after, then it would be down to him being an asshole.

Celticlassie · 14/04/2018 08:06

"a grown woman ... is perfectly entitled to do whatever she chooses with her body with whoever she pleases whenever she pleases."

Obviously the PP also meant, 'as long as that person consents'. Anyone assuming not is just being argumentative.

TheStoic · 14/04/2018 08:09

He was led on, but that does not justify the rough and biting that followed.

Doesn’t justify = wasn’t her fault. You are an idiot.

Bluntness100 · 14/04/2018 08:19

Well different elements. How did you not realise he was very drunk until in thr Taxi and when you did why did you still continue to invite him in? At this point you should have told him you'd changed your mind, do so in future for your sake. You do not owe a man anything inc sex.

The rough biting was weird, he's probably maybe into that stuff, I don't know, but we'll it's weird.

When you said he got mad, what did that look like, what did he do?

He kept asking if you were ok, realised you didn't want to, got mad, then left. So drunk angry and belligerent he still knew enough to walk away.

For future relationships, you need to be ablr to say no. Just going along with it is not ok or safe. Be it inviting a man you hardly know into your home, especially a very drunk one, to letting him do what he wants in bed, it's not safe. But you need to be able to articulate no.

Donotdisturbme · 14/04/2018 08:19

I think when you changed your mind you should have clearly told him ie you are very drunk and I don’t like the biting, I will call you a taxi.

Tamatave2000 · 14/04/2018 08:22

To The Stoic

Facts are:

OP agreed to go back to her house on 2nd date.
She wanted to sleep with him.
She realised he was drunk in Taxi before they arrived at her house, but still invited him in.
Assumed he would fall asleep in her house, but he did not.
He was rough and biting, but she did not feel it so allowed him to continue.

One question:

Did the OP at any point call things to a halt and say that he should leave?

Answer. No she did not. As per the post he called a Taxi himself.

He was led on for sure. By OP's own admission she did not call the rough and biting to a halt as could not feel it. Sounds like she was drunk too?

Better that they not see each other again I think.

penny1ane · 14/04/2018 08:23

No way has the op done anything wrong here. The guy sulked and went home. Just because they got In to bed together it doesnt mean that sex is guaranteed. He clearly wasn't doing things that make the op comfortable and turn her on. Theres nothing wrong with saying "sorry but this isn't doing it for me", drunk or not.
If this was his reaction on a 2nd date then I wouldnt be going for a 3rd.
This is why you don't get drunk on a date, massive schoolboy error.

Angelf1sh · 14/04/2018 08:25

As you were intending to have sex when you invited him home, you were not “leading him on”. You just changed your mind that’s all. You started something and it wasn’t working for you so you rightly said you weren’t interested anymore. I can understand him being disappointed by this but to get angry and rough with you is unacceptable. Are you ok? How tough are we talking? Is it notifying the police rough? Please look after yourself and I wouldn’t be going on a third date, he sounds like a bit of a shitbag.

Angelf1sh · 14/04/2018 08:25

*rough, not tough.

Donotdisturbme · 14/04/2018 08:28

Yes definitely do not see him again.

Bluntness100 · 14/04/2018 08:29

It's not about right or wrong or attributing blame, that's ludicrous.

Women need to take personal responsibility for their own safety. They need to be able to say no, inviting a very drunk man you do not know into your home when you don't want to, inviting him into your bed, where clearly it becomes sexual when you don't want to, laying their passively and letting him do what he wants, is not safe behaviour.

The op needed to say no she needs to learn to say no in future relationships. She was relatively lucky this time, but she may not be the next time. And that's what she needs to take away from this. It's not about him. She needs to take personal responsibility for her own safety. Saying no to coming in, when the taxi driver was present, is what she needs to do in future, if she was concerned he'd turn nasty.