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Original poster

Went home with a drunk date

99 replies

mooneus · 14/04/2018 03:49

So I have been on a 2nd date with a guy. We were having a really nice time and he suggested going back to mine and I agreed. In the taxi home I realised how drunk he was and assumed then we would get home and fall asleep. When we got into bed he tried it on with me but my body wouldn't respond, even though I wanted it to. Then he proceeded to get rough and started biting me, which I don't like. I wasn't feeling it, so I let him do what he wanted. He kept asking if I was ok and I just said I was tired. Then after he realised he wasn't going to get anywhere he got mad and called a taxi to go back to his. Is this my fault for leading him on? If he wasn't so drunk I would have slept with him

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouser · 14/04/2018 09:03

No one has said she wasn’t at liberty to change her mind, simply that she should have TOLD him.

EasterRobin · 14/04/2018 09:05

First off, no of course it's not your "fault". You are fully entitled to change your mind about sex at any time up to or during the event, for whatever reason.

A decent bloke would be a bit disappointed and have an affectionate cuddle, sleep, and sometimes see whether you were feeling more amorous in the morning. They don't storm off in an angry huff if they are interested in you as a person or potential relationship.

I wouldn't be surprised if a one night stand left, but not someone I was thinking of having a romantic involvement with.

Could you have done things differently? Sure. But nothing you did was wrong.

Please don't go on a third date with him.

I hope you are feeling ok now. I would arrange to meet up with some friends if you can, so you don't dwell on this too much today.

Mickyj · 14/04/2018 09:05

I think there must have been a lot of confusion on his part but he shouldn’t have got angry.

If you invite someone back on a second date and invite them into your bed then this in itself is an open invitation. You are sending the wrong messages. Perhaps you could have been more assertive and suggested having a sobering drink and then just saying that you didn’t feel ready to move things into the bedroom but perhaps meeting for some brunch the next day ;-)

We’re all learning.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 14/04/2018 09:06

BOOP - I’m sorry for what happened to you 💐

You really are projecting though, the OP wasn’t attacked, she’s not a victim. They were both drunk, it didn’t work out, he stomped off home. That’s all.

SkaTastic · 14/04/2018 09:07

He was biting her?? What on earth? And then angrily rang a taxi? Most normal men after asking repeatedly if someone was OK would not then bite them.

The attitudes in this thread are unbeliavable.

SkaTastic · 14/04/2018 09:09

OP most of all I hope that you are OK.

moreDetails · 14/04/2018 09:13

BitOutOfPractice

I'm sorry that you were raped but it has nothing to do with the situation here.

Did your rapist keep asking if you were ok and then leave when you said 'no'?

The OP was not assaulted and your experiences are completely twisting your view of what happened in this case.

SkaTastic

"He was biting her?? What on earth?"

Some people like that.

"And then angrily rang a taxi?"

Yes, when she told him she wasn't OK and didn't want sex.

"The attitudes in this thread are unbelievable."

I agree. Going to tell us what evidence you have for him being "violent and aggressive"? It's a big accusation to make.

Ps4hell · 14/04/2018 09:14

The thing I don't understand didbyou decided in the taxi you didn't want To have sex with him.

Surely it would have been so much easier to say it then "look, you're welcome to crash at mine if you want but I'm tired so will be going straight to sleep when I get in"

Rather than wait till has in your bed trying it on (like anyone would do after being invited back)

But then again I would never invite someone I've only known for 2 dates into my home at night. Not because I'm a prude but if be scared to death they were a murderer or rapist. I couldn't trust someone that quickly.

BitOutOfPractice · 14/04/2018 09:15

Really? She was bitten and handled roughly by a man when she didn't want to be but you think she wasn't assaulted? A man who then became angry at her. All of this in her own home. But she's not s victim? Really?

Like I say, a new low for me on mn

OP please don't think that everyone is thinking badly of you. Or that you're "easy " or that you got what was coming to you. Because nobody nobody deserves or invites the treatment you received last night and I hope you're ok now.

Ps4hell · 14/04/2018 09:16

^^ that read much more judgemental than I meant it to. It just have been scary and I'm glad you are ok but maybe try to be more vocal about your intentions next time, not because you don't have the right to change your mind but because a few men would ignore that right and take what they wanted anyway :(

LimonViola · 14/04/2018 09:18

The biting thing seems to be causing a lot of confusion here. There's a massive difference between viciously aggressively biting someone to hurt them (assault) and the kind of playful nips that some people are into sexually which he may have been doing to try and ramp up the passion and figure out what she likes in bed. We don't know which it was, but from the tone of the OP I don't get the sense it was the former.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 14/04/2018 09:18

@Moonius, I hope you're okay Sweet.🌺
Don't see this creep again, biting you and being rough, is abusive.
Do not consider giving him a second chance.

Ps4hell · 14/04/2018 09:19

She was bitten and handled roughly but she didnt say "i dont like this, please dont do that"

How is he supposed to know? From his point of view it's a second date he's been invited back, taken to her bed with no utterance of not wanting to have sex. What is he supposed to

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 14/04/2018 09:21

Did she say no?

Yes, but at the very end and he left promptly afterwards. Mutual responsibility here, both were wrong, him in believing she wanted sex, she in not saying she didn’t.

Men should be expected to treat a woman well but women also need to be expected to learn how to say no. I’m tired doesn’t equal no necessarily especially when both are very drunk.

I do think that women have a right to and should say no as soon as they are unhappy with what is going on, but that requires society to raise women to be assertive and clear about where their limits are. Most men know they need to stop when the woman change her mind but they can’t be expected to be able to read minds.

Tamatave2000 · 14/04/2018 09:24

To OP

Only you can answer the many questions that have been asked.

Were you drunk too?
Why did you invite him into house when you realised he was drunk?
Did you not think inviting a drunk stranger into your house was dangerous?
If you not want sex why did you share same bed?

Your own question "Is it my fault....." suggests you realise you have made some mistakes.

If you are not harmed then all is well. My last comment is

Don't see him again and never invite strangers into your house, drunk or not.

CrispyCrackers · 14/04/2018 09:28

What a mess up of date.

moreDetails · 14/04/2018 09:34

"She was bitten and handled roughly by a man when she didn't want to be but you think she wasn't assaulted?"

I really, really, really don't.

He kept asking if I was ok

Do you not understand how this changes the situation completely.

"I let him do what he wanted" - the OP doesn't suggest she was intimidated or frightened and even said she wanted her body to respond (I assume she means get aroused).

He kept explicitly getting consent. When that wasn't forthcoming he left.

He shouldn't have been mad but drunk, confused, frustrated and having to get a taxi in the middle of the night. There are levels of 'mad' but I assume the poster means pissed off as opposed to screaming in her face and throwing furniture.

TheVanguardSix · 14/04/2018 09:34

It's no one's fault. Too much drink and mixed messages doesn't end well for any of us. But I wouldn't see him again simply because his response to not getting his shag was to be a spoiled brat about it. Not a good bloke, imo You can do better.

specialsubject · 14/04/2018 09:36

Lucky escape!

You've met him once before so you hardly know him. Drink brings out the worst in people. If you don't want to have sex with a drunk, don't invite one into the house.

Not a good catch. Raise your standards and keep yourself safer.

SkaTastic · 14/04/2018 09:38

"He was rough which I didn't like"

That says it all for me. And I have never ever ever ever ever been bitten during my first sexual experience with someone. Maybe I was lucky enough not to "lead someone on" or "give out the wrong signals" and when things happened that I didn't like, which is what happened during the OPs experience, maybe I was able to voice what I felt.

mimibunz · 14/04/2018 09:38

Tama What’s wrong with being easy?

QueenOfMyWorld · 14/04/2018 09:39

Tamatave2000 what a load of rubbish

PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 14/04/2018 09:45

He kept explicitly getting consent. When that wasn't forthcoming he left.

^this muddies the water. I think the OP was not giving enthusiastic consent because she felt intimidated but he didn’t know that. However he is still an arse, the OP does not exist to serve his sexual needs and he seemed to lack awareness on that front because he is a cock.

I hope you are doing ok today OP. It sounds like an absolutely evening.

PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 14/04/2018 09:45

Rotten

moreDetails · 14/04/2018 09:50

SkaTTastic

"That says it all for me"

What, that tells you he was violent and aggressive?

I hope you're never on a jury.