Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Went home with a drunk date

99 replies

mooneus · 14/04/2018 03:49

So I have been on a 2nd date with a guy. We were having a really nice time and he suggested going back to mine and I agreed. In the taxi home I realised how drunk he was and assumed then we would get home and fall asleep. When we got into bed he tried it on with me but my body wouldn't respond, even though I wanted it to. Then he proceeded to get rough and started biting me, which I don't like. I wasn't feeling it, so I let him do what he wanted. He kept asking if I was ok and I just said I was tired. Then after he realised he wasn't going to get anywhere he got mad and called a taxi to go back to his. Is this my fault for leading him on? If he wasn't so drunk I would have slept with him

OP posts:
moreDetails · 14/04/2018 08:30

Angelf1sh

Read the information a little more closely. You're inventing a scenario.

seven201 · 14/04/2018 08:31

You're entitled to change your mind and someone very drunk would turn me off too. You probably should have told him you weren't in the mood anymore. I think don't see him again though.

Tamatave2000 · 14/04/2018 08:34

To Penny1ane

"Theres nothing wrong with saying "sorry but this isn't doing it for me", drunk or not"

True, but in this case OP said nothing. Should have left him in Taxi when she arrived at her house

Binxee · 14/04/2018 08:35

You have every right to change your mind and not want sex even if you did invite him back. Wouldn’t see him again!

Donotdisturbme · 14/04/2018 08:36

I don’t think you should have assumed you would both just sleep when you got back, especially as you were sharing a bed.

When you realised he was drunk in the taxi was the time to have told him you had changed your mind as he was drunk. Also safer for you.

bobstersmum · 14/04/2018 08:37

I think you should have made it clear the reason why you didn't want to have sex with him, ie, he was too drunk, and I can see why he was disappointed, but angry? What is he an animal? Has he no self control? I wouldn't go on another date with him.

Mrsx79 · 14/04/2018 08:41

Possibly you should have been clearer. Fwiw I invited my dh home to stay on our second date. I lived rurally and so did he so it made having a drink easier. I made it quite clear when I extended the invitation at the start of the evening that there was no ulterior motive. We had a lovely night...got very tipsy and fell into bed together about 2am. We did have a kiss...our first... but that was it. I knew he was a keeper.
Your Man sounds like he was getting confusing signals.

PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 14/04/2018 08:45

Gosh that turned into a bit of a mess OP,

He sounds like an arse getting aggressively drunk. That is all on him. However I think you were sending him very mixed signals and definitely leading him to believe you were ok with what was going on.

I can see why you started doing that through feeling intimidated by the whole situation but it definitely muddies the water in terms of him being aware of your decisions and emotions. He is still an absolute arse so I wouldn’t see him again.

penny1ane · 14/04/2018 08:46

Tama, when the guy kept asking if everything was ok and the op replied "Im tired" that is when you back off. Every man knows what "Im tired" really means.
The guys ego was on the floor, that's why he sulked.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/04/2018 08:47

" I would never invite a date back to mine after a night out unless I intended to have sex with him. "

And what if you change your mind?

SkaTastic · 14/04/2018 08:47

Horrible, nasty, victim blaming posts going on in here.

OP I hope that you are ok. What a horrible man he turned out to be. I hope that you know that his behaviour is the problem, not yours. Most men would not become aggressive and violent because their date didn't want to have sex. Just because this might have been your intention at some point doesn't mean that you lost the right to consent at any point during the experience.

I hope that you are ok.

Donotdisturbme · 14/04/2018 08:48

If you change your mind, you tell him!

Tamatave2000 · 14/04/2018 08:48

To all Posters

Has anyone come to same conclusion as me which is:

OP was drunk as well, but did not realise.

The admission that she did not feel the rough and biting, but let him get on with it is a giveaway for me.

Thankfully she was not harmed. Hopefully they have both learned a lesson that drunkenness and dating don't mix.

BitOutOfPractice · 14/04/2018 08:49

I hope the people saying it's OP's fault are able to look at themselves in the mirror when they think that, you know, the op is actually reading this and being blamed for being assaulted.

Disgusting. I cannot believe in 2018 there are people here victim blaming. You should be shamed of yourselves.

Op it is not your fault in any way shape or form. How are you now?

SkaTastic · 14/04/2018 08:51

Also all the people saying "if that was me I would have done x, y, z" I hope you realise how awful that sounds. You were not in that situation and have absolutely no idea how you would react. Unbelievable. That's like the age old adage "if I was in a situation where I was raped I would run like fuck / kick him in the bollocks/ fight him off."

Research and work with survivors of sexual assault and rape suggest that fight or flight can kick in but the bodies first response is often to flop and let the abuser get on so that the person can survive.

Stop peddling victim blaming shite.

BitOutOfPractice · 14/04/2018 08:51

And the lack of concern for her!! Just breath taking! This is an all time mn low for me.

treaclesoda · 14/04/2018 08:51

Men aren't mind readers, so I'm not surprised he got confused and angry.

Confused maybe. But angry? What right does anyone have to be angry that another person has decided not to have sex with them?

moreDetails · 14/04/2018 08:54

SkaTastic

Most men would not become aggressive and violent because their date didn't want to have sex

True. This man did not get aggressive or violent.

Horrible, nasty inability to read and determination to invent an entire situation going on here too.

OP suggested in many ways that sex was on the cards. He "kept asking if I was ok" when things were getting sexual. When she changed her mind he angrily called a taxi and left. No violence. No aggression.

MsMarvel · 14/04/2018 08:56

Of course op is entitled to change her mind. No means No.

But in this case she didnt actusly say no did she?

She said Yes at the start of the trip to here, (she says herself sex was on the cards until she noticed how drunk he was), but when she changed her mind, she bever actually told the man in question.

moreDetails · 14/04/2018 08:56

BitOutOfPractice

Jesus fucking christ. The OP was not fucking assaulted. The man did nothing that she didn't "let him".

He kept asking her if she was OK.

When she said she didn't want to have sex he called a taxi and left.

There's no victim blaming because there's no fucking victim.

Jesus!

CaveMum · 14/04/2018 08:58

Sounds like some posters need to watch this

I hope you are ok OP, you are perfectly entitled to change your mind at any point.

LimonViola · 14/04/2018 08:59

Tama:

"To all Posters

Has anyone come to same conclusion as me which is:

OP was drunk as well, but did not realise.

The admission that she did not feel the rough and biting, but let him get on with it is a giveaway for me.

Thankfully she was not harmed. Hopefully they have both learned a lesson that drunkenness and dating don't mix."

Read OP again. She didn't say she didn't feel the biting (therefore in your eyes it's a 'dead giveaway' she was drunk [and so what if she was?]). She said she wasn't feeling it. Perhaps English isn't your first language. Not feeling it means you're not into it or not in the mood for it and not enjoying it, not that you physically can't feel it happening.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 14/04/2018 08:59

So many things...but to answer your question, no it’s not your fault because you ‘led him on’, you wanted to have sex with him. However, you changed your mind and didn’t communicate that with him. Instead of ‘just not feeling it and letting him do it anyway’ you should have told him in the taxi you’d changed your mind, or clearly in bed when you weren’t feeling it anymore.

It was only a second date, it’s not much more than a ONS, from his point of view I don’t blame him for getting a taxi home - you seemed very ‘up for it’, he was asking if you were ok, your idea of ‘rough’ might just have been him trying different things to get you more in the mood. He was probably embarrassed that he couldn’t get you interested.

I don’t think either of you were wrong, just both drunk & pissed off.

Only you know if you want to see him again, if you do (and he does) because you like him & think it could go somewhere, then make it clear sex isn’t on the cards right now, see how it goes and next time make sure neither of you are too drunk - see how it goes. There’s nothing wrong with drunk sex at all, but it’s already gone badly with him in that situation, so I’d avoid it.

Decide what YOU want, then send him a text.

Spam88 · 14/04/2018 09:00

Are grown women actually calling other women easy for wanting to have sex? Jesus Christ...

OP, I hope you're okay. It does all sound like it got a bit messy and out of hand, but I can understand you not feeling comfortable telling him you wanted to stop. His reaction is appalling :( I frequently change my mind (and in fact did on my first date with my now DH - how easy am I 🙄) and he's never done anything other than ask if I'm okay and then snuggle me.

BitOutOfPractice · 14/04/2018 09:03

Jesus fucking Christ yourself @moreDetails Hmm

You do realise, I hope, that during an assault, many people find it very hard to verbalise or act in a way that you might expect them to. I certainly didn't act as I imagined I would when I was attacked. I imagined I would fight and scream. I didn't. I played dead and silently wept. I hope that doesn't mean that you think the poor man was "confused" about whether he was raping me or not!

Try a bit of compassion and understanding. The person who you are blaming is reading what you're saying and probably feels shit.

Have you even asked how op is? Because I'd bet my mortgage she's more upset than she already was before she started this thread.