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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My old Booty call is invited to my brothers wedding

115 replies

CiaoBella82 · 13/04/2018 14:50

About 15 years ago I hooked up with my brothers friend while interstate visiting my brother. The affair lasted for nearly 2 weeks and I returned home to a guy I had started seeing non-exclusivally/casually a few weeks prior to my trip. SO I was no longer interested in my brothers friend, then he announced that he was coming to my city to see his cousin a month later and I felt obliged to let him stay for a night as I hadn't explicitly said I didnt want to see him...I thought, one night then he's gone and I can get back to the other guy I was seeing, bad I know. My brothers Friend went away the next day but showed up at my door at 3am in the morning saying he preferred to stay with me. He'd caught a cab from an hour away, me having no back bone didn't turn him away and he stayed the rest of the week with me. I def didn't want him there but didn't have the guts at the time to say it to his face....and he didn't pick up on my coldness throughout the week. Anyways, the other guy finds out and Im prepared for him to call it quits with me, BUT he doesn't and now we're into our 13th year of marriage with 3 kids. This betrayal has caused a lot of issues for us still to this day. And now my brother is getting married and told me he intended to ask his friend to be groomsman at his wedding. My husband was keen to go to the overseas wedding prior to finding out about the booty call being there. I was prepared to not go to the wedding to show my support for my husband but Ive since spoken to my brother saying we couldnt go as it was too expensive ( a good excuse) my brother came back saying I can't miss his wedding and he found a cheaper flight and would pay for us. Which is when I said it was really due to his friend being there. He offered to uninvite him so my husband and I would be there, I didn't want to put my brother in this situation. I told my husband today that my brother uninvited the friend (he hasn't yet as I said to hold off while I think about it) and my husband said he's still not going to go to the wedding as he doesn't want people talking about why the friend couldn't come and why did I bring him into the discussion as I should've just said it was due to it being too expensive. I want to be there for my brother but also for my husband. . I was thinking of messaging the booty call and asking him to not come but not sure how it'll play out. My husband says I can still go to the wedding but its a 2-3 legs of flying one way with 3 kids without the man I adore. Advice please

OP posts:

pog100 · 14/04/2018 17:04

what't the point of counselling with a misogynistic arsehole like him??

trojanpony · 15/04/2018 09:45

anothe one saying
What ADarkandStormyKinight said ^

Also get counselling but just for yourself - this man sounds vile

BasilTheCat · 15/04/2018 09:55

100% agree with Pink:
"So he was cheating with 7 women at the same time, one of whom he had made a commitment to and that’s fine but you have suffered emotional abuse for 15 years because you left someone kip in your flat for a week?"

Your husband sounds vile, I have no idea why you married him or why you have put up with his shit for so many years.
You deserve better and your children deserve better. You can't let your DCs think this is normal.

mindutopia · 15/04/2018 16:08

Agreed you all just need to suck it up and make the best of the situation. There was no overlap involved but my dh and I went to the wedding of one of my exes abroad. Like a guy I was in a serious relationship with/lived with for 4 years. It was an 8 hour flight from us. Obviously different because my relationship with him ended before I met my dh, but he still knew we had lots of sex for a number of years ( as did exes now wife). It wasn’t weird at all. We are all able to be grown ups about it and it was nice to be there for someone I now consider a good friend. Just put your big girl and boy pants on and go.

TSSDNCOP · 15/04/2018 16:15

Frankly I’d have had to tell DH to put a sock in it if this was still a thing 13 years later.

Isetan · 15/04/2018 17:46

Op your backbone is still M.I.A. Your lack of a backbone back in the day and your H’s present day paranoia, is not your brother’s problem. It’s time to hoik up your big girl pants and tell your H that you are going with or without him.

You’re not going to please everybody and I would personally avoid placating the person behaving like a dick.

MistressDeeCee · 15/04/2018 21:41

Your DH is a pain in the arse I'd have told him to STFU years ago. All this nonsense about a fling 15 years ago when you weren't even in a committed relationship yet. Go to the wedding without him, you're not joined at the hip. Support your brother. I can't believe you "adore" a man who's cheated on you but holds 1 incident from years ago against you. I'd be bored shitless of such a numskull that's for sure. I'd adore being without him. More fool you if you let him spite you and your brother in his petulant stupidity.

midnightmisssuki · 15/04/2018 22:01

Your husband sounds awful and he sounds like he’s trying to manipulate you into feeling bad for something you did in the pass, even though he’s a cheat? What a keeper....

bonnyshide · 15/04/2018 22:12

I think your DH is being a bit ridiculous actually....I really don't like the comment about you losing your self respect. It sounds like he has been using this against you all these years and quite honestly I don't really think you did much wrong. I think your DH Needs to get a grip and you should both attend the wedding like the adults you are.

It's really unfair to put this on your brother and even unfair on his friend, who also did nothing wrong all those years ago.

Is your DH normally so manipulative?

Original poster

CiaoBella82 · 16/04/2018 00:56

Wow thanks for the straight talk everyone. Why the hell have none of the counsellors Ive seen told this to me? It's been more around the old "I feel...'communication statements. Mind you one counsellor just sort of laughed at us at our first session, like these dudes are cray cray. Then I continued couples counselling by myself because I was the one who had the problems. 2nd time round he did come and was fairly committed to the process but I think I needed a stronger counsellor to hold and direct the session and not him. Thank you for all the comments, I really appreciate them. Its given me clarity on things that I felt inside but my feelings had been ripped apart and invalidated. My DH would tell me that my feelings don't match my actions and my action painted a picture to him that I felt X way, or this way and not the way I felt. So Yes, as one person suggested I thinks he's done a number on me and as others have said - I still need to work on my back bone and self respect. It's been really eye opening getting others opinions, as I never could tell others such as friends or family the whole story for fear of judgement. Who would've thought a post on a forum would help me so much!

OP posts:

Shadow666 · 16/04/2018 05:22

Hugs

It’s a lot to take on. I really recommend the book Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft. It helped me a lot when I realized by ex was abusive.

I also recommend finding a therapist who specializes in women who are in abusive relationships. Couples therapy isn’t advised in abusive relationships as he would tend to manipulate the dialog to paint you as the problem rather than him, just as he does at home.

Be kind to yourself. You’re a victim here. He’s the one to blame not you. This isn’t your fault.

Strugglingtodomybest · 16/04/2018 05:35

from me too OP. My mouth has literally dropped open whilst reading your posts. I can't believe that he's been calling you names and making you feel bad when all along he was cheating - properly cheating!! - on his fiancee AND had 7 other women on the go. What a fucking scumbag.

Lotsofplanetshaveanorth · 16/04/2018 08:45

Your DH is a bastard

I notice a lot of ‘therapy’ speak in your updates, I wonder how many of the words are his and how much you have applied and internalised some of that stuff but in a relationship that is basically unfair and you are the less powerful person. You just can’t manra your way out of a dynamic that is fucked!

I am wondering if you can dig a bit deeper and work out who you want to be and what you expect from relationships.

Angelf1sh · 16/04/2018 09:06

Your husband is a piece of shit. I hope you use this time away from him to realise how much happier you can be apart. LTB.

cakecakecheese · 16/04/2018 11:51

What has really concerned me throughout your replies is the constant use of 'because of my...' Even when you seem to realise that your husband has done a number on you your reaction was 'I need to grow a backbone'. You don't have to shoulder responsibility for everything and you certainly don't have to feel guilt or shame for things that happened 15 years ago and I'm appalled that years of councelling don't seem to have helped you work that out.

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