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Original poster

My old Booty call is invited to my brothers wedding

115 replies

CiaoBella82 · 13/04/2018 14:50

About 15 years ago I hooked up with my brothers friend while interstate visiting my brother. The affair lasted for nearly 2 weeks and I returned home to a guy I had started seeing non-exclusivally/casually a few weeks prior to my trip. SO I was no longer interested in my brothers friend, then he announced that he was coming to my city to see his cousin a month later and I felt obliged to let him stay for a night as I hadn't explicitly said I didnt want to see him...I thought, one night then he's gone and I can get back to the other guy I was seeing, bad I know. My brothers Friend went away the next day but showed up at my door at 3am in the morning saying he preferred to stay with me. He'd caught a cab from an hour away, me having no back bone didn't turn him away and he stayed the rest of the week with me. I def didn't want him there but didn't have the guts at the time to say it to his face....and he didn't pick up on my coldness throughout the week. Anyways, the other guy finds out and Im prepared for him to call it quits with me, BUT he doesn't and now we're into our 13th year of marriage with 3 kids. This betrayal has caused a lot of issues for us still to this day. And now my brother is getting married and told me he intended to ask his friend to be groomsman at his wedding. My husband was keen to go to the overseas wedding prior to finding out about the booty call being there. I was prepared to not go to the wedding to show my support for my husband but Ive since spoken to my brother saying we couldnt go as it was too expensive ( a good excuse) my brother came back saying I can't miss his wedding and he found a cheaper flight and would pay for us. Which is when I said it was really due to his friend being there. He offered to uninvite him so my husband and I would be there, I didn't want to put my brother in this situation. I told my husband today that my brother uninvited the friend (he hasn't yet as I said to hold off while I think about it) and my husband said he's still not going to go to the wedding as he doesn't want people talking about why the friend couldn't come and why did I bring him into the discussion as I should've just said it was due to it being too expensive. I want to be there for my brother but also for my husband. . I was thinking of messaging the booty call and asking him to not come but not sure how it'll play out. My husband says I can still go to the wedding but its a 2-3 legs of flying one way with 3 kids without the man I adore. Advice please

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 13/04/2018 18:08

You cannot expect your brother's friend not to go to a wedding because he shagged someone 14 years ago. Why should he miss his friend's wedding because you cheated (or didn't if it was still casual).

Your husband needs to let this go, it's bonkers.

PinkCalluna · 13/04/2018 18:26

Would you honestly be fine going to a wedding where you'd see the woman your DH cheated on you with right back at the start in what should have been the best most close exciting part of your nee relationship

I wouldn’t have married him.

But her DH did marry her.
And make three children with her.

But carries on using this as a stick to beat her with 15 years later?

BertrandRussell · 13/04/2018 18:29

Booty call?

ADarkandStormyKnight · 13/04/2018 18:32

I wonder if part of the problem is that wanting to cancel going, asking groomsman not to go etc implies that there was more to it and possibly that its an ongoing threat to the marriage. Husband needs to know that it really isn't an issue.

Original poster

CiaoBella82 · 14/04/2018 02:01

Thanks for the replies, its really appreciated. Just to clarify for some - I was 20 at the time. I had just come out of a bad relationship and didn't want anything serious, or so I thought. Yes at that time I was promiscuous. And yes I knew what I was doing was wrong. My brother knew about the whole thing at the time and when I rung him to tell him that his friend was still at my place after I thought he was going to leave after the first night he told me to just let him stay there. I didn't shag him the whole week but bad enough he was still at my house. I had been seeing the to be DH for around a month a bit more seriously by the time he came for the trip. Yes our relationship has had trust issues, which we have worked hard to try and resolve. My DH says he has no problem me attending the wedding, he trusts me. My husband says he's more upset that I could give away my self respect like that, I get it now but I didn't know what self respect was back then. Massive learning curve. I never begged my then casual BF now DH to stay with me after that incident. He choose that freely. Unbeknown to me he'd had a fiance and was living with her, so I was the other woman so Id say perhaps he thought touche. I found out 8 months into it. Anyways, I can pay my own flights to get there, money was mostly an easy excuse to not go. Just recently my brother had said that this guy and him weren't really that close any longer, he didn't invite him his bday party the other week but now said was going to ask him to the wedding. Of course I don't want to put more pressure on my brother, its his day and I told him to invite who he wants but he offered to uninvite him...and yes I also think it could be a good opportunity to 'adult up' and perhaps get some closure, cos frankly Im sick of being punished and held to ransom for my bad choices, but my husband won't go if he's there, so no closure for him, and an awkward thailand wedding for me. My brother and I have been very close over the last years, Im honest with him so thats why I told him my situation and my feelings

OP posts:

Emma198 · 14/04/2018 02:16

How ridiculous. Totally unreasonable of you to put on your brother like you have, I'd be furious if I were him. So childish of you both. If it happened 13 yrs ago and he chose to be with you your husband needs to let it go. The whole thing sounds so ridiculous I don't know how you cope together.

DropItLikeASquat · 14/04/2018 02:21

I'm confused, your now DH was actually engaged and you found out 8 months into your relationship (13 years or so ago).
But your DH has a problem with the fact this guys staying with you when you had been casually dating him for around a month?
WTAF?? my brain can't even seem to vaguely get this

MarvelleGazelle · 14/04/2018 02:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mustang27 · 14/04/2018 02:29

I'm confused at what the issue really is. Your husband is a hypocrite if he is punishing you 13yrs on after he was engaged,living with that someone and cheating on them with you. You do realise that's a hell of a lot worse.

Just for the record you could have been shagging someone new every bloody day, if you hadn't decided that you were fully in a relationship and hadn't made that commitment you did sweet f a wrong.

Self respect he said this??? Were was his self respect when he was shagging about having made a commitment to someone else.

I feel 'booty call' and your brothers wedding is actually pretty irrelevant you have bigger issues here.

Mustang27 · 14/04/2018 02:30

*where

MarvelleGazelle · 14/04/2018 02:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

CiaoBella82 · 14/04/2018 02:34

Yeeeaaah you got it @Dropitlikeasquat. Screwed up right?! I stayed with him cos I thought that since he stayed with me after my indiscretions I should give him another chance. By then I was head over heels too and obviously still had very poor boundaries. I had just moved in with him the day before and she was still in the process of moving out or something like that, I found out the morning the next day, 3 hours before we were jetting off on holiday overseas together. The beginning of our relationship was a hot mess. Im googling co-dependancy cos writing this stuff is making me seem very, very dysfunctional (given my childhood its probably spot on...but still!)

OP posts:

DropItLikeASquat · 14/04/2018 02:37

holy crap! thats a lot to process in 3 days so don't blame yourself for the decisions that you made back then in those circumstances. I think he is being incredibly unreasonable and needs to grow up. your brothers day is more important than your husbands ego.
does your husband understand the impact that this 'tantrum' of his could have on your marriage??

Original poster

CiaoBella82 · 14/04/2018 02:52

I think he's been unreasonable for oh about 10+ years but its due to my poor communication and conflict resolution skills that we still have this problem in our relationship now. Anyways I've taken this thread off on a tangent from my initial post.
SO - I will go to my brothers wedding and not involve my brother in my dramas surrounding his friend, its neither of their faults. DH, well he'll either go or miss out. Couples counselling here we come! Again.....

OP posts:

WhichHatNextPikachu · 14/04/2018 02:58

For heaven's sake, that's normal behaviour for a 20-yr-old in a not-yet- serious relationship. Do not listen to bollocks about "giving your self-respect away", that is utter garbage. So-called "D"H needs to grow the fuck up. Stop bothering your poor brother about this and just go to his wedding. DH can either go and behave, or stay at home and reflect on being a twat.

Like someone said up-thread, if we all refused to attend weddings because someone shagged someone else donkey's years ago, weddings would be pretty empty!

WhichHatNextPikachu · 14/04/2018 02:59

its due to my poor communication and conflict resolution skills that we still have this problem in our relationship now

No, it's really not.

PinkCalluna · 14/04/2018 04:47

But its due to my poor communication and conflict resolution skills that we still have this problem in our relationship now.

Nope. You have these problems because your husband is a hypocritical, manipulative arse.

daisychain01 · 14/04/2018 04:57

OP, I cant believe there is still importance placed on a fling that took place a lifetime ago. Why complicate your lives so much even thinking about an event that long ago. All that emotional headspace, you guys must be exhausted!

Jeez.

LimonViola · 14/04/2018 07:00

Okay this update changes a lot.

Go to the wedding. Alone!

HadronCollider · 14/04/2018 08:11

Your update confirms my suspicion that your DH is an emotionally and mentally controlling person.

But its due to my poor communication and conflict resolution skills that we still have this problem in our relationship now

No. But I'm afraid it does sound like you don't stand up to him, so he thinks he can rain down on your self-esteem whenever he wants by alluding to your 'lack of self respect' and implications of slutty aka 'sexually promiscuous' behaviour 13 years ago (which as a previous poster said you seem to have internalised all too readily, there's a lot of 'it's all my fault' running through your responses, an apologetic tone). I get a sense that he rail roads you in arguments and you therefore don't confront issues rather than address them. So bad communication because of a bad response when communicating. But that's not your fault.

Stand up to him by going to the wedding without him and make sure you boogie up at the reception. dance with the friend and post a pic to your DH Have a great time!

gigi556 · 14/04/2018 08:47

Hubby needs to let it go! He's BVU!!

Quartz2208 · 14/04/2018 08:57

What on earth does he mean self respect? Yep you are married to a not very nice man and you did nothing wrong - look at it this way a friend of your brothers was visiting the town you lived in and he stayed with you (you say nothing happened) what on earth is wrong with that

Your husband however had a fiancee and you are the one in the wrong

pinkyredrose · 14/04/2018 08:59

Jeez OP! Your husband is a total wanker. Ok for him to have 2 women on the go for 8 months??!!

RandomMess · 14/04/2018 09:13

Your DH is so being the dick!!! He had a fiancé and went off to date you... but somehow you're the one at fault???

BuntyII · 14/04/2018 09:40

OP just to be clear - you didn't do anything wrong when you were 20. You haven't wronged him in any way. You deserve so much better than him.

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