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Original poster

My old Booty call is invited to my brothers wedding

115 replies

CiaoBella82 · 13/04/2018 14:50

About 15 years ago I hooked up with my brothers friend while interstate visiting my brother. The affair lasted for nearly 2 weeks and I returned home to a guy I had started seeing non-exclusivally/casually a few weeks prior to my trip. SO I was no longer interested in my brothers friend, then he announced that he was coming to my city to see his cousin a month later and I felt obliged to let him stay for a night as I hadn't explicitly said I didnt want to see him...I thought, one night then he's gone and I can get back to the other guy I was seeing, bad I know. My brothers Friend went away the next day but showed up at my door at 3am in the morning saying he preferred to stay with me. He'd caught a cab from an hour away, me having no back bone didn't turn him away and he stayed the rest of the week with me. I def didn't want him there but didn't have the guts at the time to say it to his face....and he didn't pick up on my coldness throughout the week. Anyways, the other guy finds out and Im prepared for him to call it quits with me, BUT he doesn't and now we're into our 13th year of marriage with 3 kids. This betrayal has caused a lot of issues for us still to this day. And now my brother is getting married and told me he intended to ask his friend to be groomsman at his wedding. My husband was keen to go to the overseas wedding prior to finding out about the booty call being there. I was prepared to not go to the wedding to show my support for my husband but Ive since spoken to my brother saying we couldnt go as it was too expensive ( a good excuse) my brother came back saying I can't miss his wedding and he found a cheaper flight and would pay for us. Which is when I said it was really due to his friend being there. He offered to uninvite him so my husband and I would be there, I didn't want to put my brother in this situation. I told my husband today that my brother uninvited the friend (he hasn't yet as I said to hold off while I think about it) and my husband said he's still not going to go to the wedding as he doesn't want people talking about why the friend couldn't come and why did I bring him into the discussion as I should've just said it was due to it being too expensive. I want to be there for my brother but also for my husband. . I was thinking of messaging the booty call and asking him to not come but not sure how it'll play out. My husband says I can still go to the wedding but its a 2-3 legs of flying one way with 3 kids without the man I adore. Advice please

OP posts:
LimonViola · 13/04/2018 16:50

Yes. But the week of this other guy came after that, right? And given her relationship with DH obviously became exclusive at some point, I'm wondering whether that was before or after the week in question. As my response would be very different depending on that. OP isn't clear about timelines.

SandyY2K · 13/04/2018 16:52

Don't miss the wedding. If your DH doesnt want to go...leave one or two of the kids (or all of them) at home with him.

pog100 · 13/04/2018 16:57

Well as I read it the week of coldness/possible shagging was a month after that, so still very early days in the subsequent 15 year relationship and I presume in relative youth.
I still think it's time to forget such jealousies and enjoy a family wedding. I don't think the travel is the brother being awkward is it? He lives in a different country from the OP?

halfwitpicker · 13/04/2018 16:58

Booty call?

Grin
LimonViola · 13/04/2018 17:07

If OP and her DH had begun an exclusive relationship, then she spent a week shagging someone else, while DH presumably thought they were in the early happy days of a monogamous relationship, then I don't think he's being unreasonable in the slightest. It's easy to say 'fifteen years!' like the passage of time heals all wounds but clearly for her DH it hasn't. I can well imagine being uncomfortable with the idea of spending time around my OH's OW from years ago if I were in that situation and I don't think that's unreasonable at all.

'Youth' and it being 'early days' are no excuse or reason for it to hurt less imo.

trojanpony · 13/04/2018 17:08

It’s your brothers wedding

Confused
Adora10 · 13/04/2018 17:09

So then Limon, the brother looses out either way, so not fair over something from years before they got married; if you are in a happy and stable relationship with trust and respect then I honestly don't think this would stop you going to a siblings Wedding, I feel sorry for the brother.

Solasum · 13/04/2018 17:12

If your brother wants you there to the extent he is prepared to pay for flights for ALL of you, kindly, I think you need to give your head a wobble. Your DH is being very silly. You at the very least must go

LimonViola · 13/04/2018 17:14

Adora10 Tbh I doubt that they are in a happy and stable trusting relationship, especially the latter, given that this is clearly still a sore point for OP's DH.

I feel for the brother too. But OP's family is her DH and her children, her primary family, and given that her actions caused this, it seems fair that she do what she can to support DH as best she can. He has even said she should go without him, which is mature of him.

So OP can go on her own or not go at all. It is a shame for brother but if I were getting married and the guest list meant the event would cause my sister in law massive issues with her marriage due to my brother being an unfaithful dick to her in the past, I'd fully support either them not coming or uninviting the guy she cheated with if that would make it better. Some things are more important than one 'special day' and her bro clearly understands that or he wouldn't have offered to disinvite the guy.

HadronCollider · 13/04/2018 17:14

BUT after this brief daliance 14 odd years ago, your husband proposed correct? And you stood in front of an officially ordained/licensed person and exchanged 'till death' promises right? Then conceived and gave birth 3 times, yes? So I'm HmmConfused about why this is even a subject now?!

Frankly I'd be incredibly pissed at your husband making it an issue. I mean, what else do you have to do to prove your loyalty at this point? This would be a potential deal breaker for me. Cheating is wrong and everything, but it is beyond wrong to hold something above someone for so long. Tell him you're going whether he comes or not, but if he doesn't come they'll be really serious conversations to be had with potential consequences when you return.

Its petty, vengeful, spiteful and mean.

LimonViola · 13/04/2018 17:15

I just can't believe people are saying DH is being silly. Would you honestly be fine going to a wedding where you'd see the woman your DH cheated on you with right back at the start in what should have been the best most close exciting part of your nee relationship? It's easy to say yes in theory, but in reality?

HadronCollider · 13/04/2018 17:15

And controlling.

LimonViola · 13/04/2018 17:16

It's controlling to say 'I don't want to go to your brother's wedding and see the man you cheated on me, several times, with, but you go without me'? Seriously??

category12 · 13/04/2018 17:19

Your dB is really bending over backwards to have you there by offering to pay and uninvite this man. Your dh is being a dick.

HadronCollider · 13/04/2018 17:21

Anyways, the other guy finds out and Im prepared for him to call it quits with me, BUT he doesn't and now we're into our 13th* year of marriage with 3 kids

You don't think he should be over it by now?

What if this happened not now, but another 10, 20, or 30 years later? He still has the right to sulk and pout about it? Seriously?!

Adora10 · 13/04/2018 17:23

I just can't believe people are saying DH is being silly. Would you honestly be fine going to a wedding where you'd see the woman your DH cheated on you with right back at the start in what should have been the best most close exciting part of your nee relationship? It's easy to say yes in theory, but in reality

This happened over a decade ago, before they got married and yes I'd not fuck up my brother wedding over it, it's just causing unnecessary drama all round and actually putting a beaming light on the two of them so everyone will want to know why they are not there, how embarrassing.

I'd not be happy to see his ex no but I'd not bloody let it stop me going and having a good time at my brother's wedding; it's not about them and their past indiscretions, it all sounds really pathetic.

LimonViola · 13/04/2018 17:24

It's not her ex though, is it? That'd be fine. It's the guy she cheated on him with.

Like I say, this all rests on whether OP was actually free to sleep around at the time or whether her DH was under the illusion they were monogamous and it was cheating. So no point speculating any more until OP can clear that up.

pinkyredrose · 13/04/2018 17:26

Why would your DH even have a problem with this guy given that you weren't in an exclusive relationship? He's out of order making an issue of it.

LuckyAmy1986 · 13/04/2018 17:27

I think your DH needs to let it go. He forgave you I’m assuming since you are married with kids?! And YOU were the one who went behind his back, not the other guy. If he can’t bear to marry you surely he can bear to be in this guys (who did nothing wrong) company for a wedding?!

LuckyAmy1986 · 13/04/2018 17:27

*can not can’t

pinkyredrose · 13/04/2018 17:30

She didn't cheat, her and her DH were only casually dating, they weren't exclusive or committed to each other at that point.

TheDishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 13/04/2018 17:34

The thing is they weren't in a long term relationship when this happened, it seems like op was a month or two in? Were you exclusive op? I can see why your dh was hurt at the time but he chose to stay with you, it would have been very easy to break up at that stage, I don't understand why he would stay with you if he wasn't prepared to get over it. Otherwise he's been essentially upset your entire relationship, What s the point? If he wasn't happy, and he had every right not to be, he should have broken up with you at the start but he can't hold it over you 15 years later when it was such a new relationship.

You both need to grow up, your dh stayed with you so he should have got oved it. I feel for your brother tbh, did he even know you shagged his mate?

Adora10 · 13/04/2018 17:40

She didn't cheat, her and her DH were only casually dating, they weren't exclusive or committed to each other at that point.

Most relationships in the early days are casual, so this makes his attitude even more pathetic! Jesus, married with 3 kids and he's causing a shit storm for her brother, he does sound very immature and self centred.

Skarossinkplunger · 13/04/2018 17:40

Christ! both you and your husband are both being so childish. I’d be fucking furious if I was you brother.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 13/04/2018 17:42

I think you should all focus on the brother and his fiance having a lovely wedding.

It'll be awkward for sure but that awkwardness is being blown out of all proportion (unless there is more to it than you are saying). Ideally a bit of discretion so you don't end up sitting next to him etc.

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