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Original poster

My old Booty call is invited to my brothers wedding

115 replies

CiaoBella82 · 13/04/2018 14:50

About 15 years ago I hooked up with my brothers friend while interstate visiting my brother. The affair lasted for nearly 2 weeks and I returned home to a guy I had started seeing non-exclusivally/casually a few weeks prior to my trip. SO I was no longer interested in my brothers friend, then he announced that he was coming to my city to see his cousin a month later and I felt obliged to let him stay for a night as I hadn't explicitly said I didnt want to see him...I thought, one night then he's gone and I can get back to the other guy I was seeing, bad I know. My brothers Friend went away the next day but showed up at my door at 3am in the morning saying he preferred to stay with me. He'd caught a cab from an hour away, me having no back bone didn't turn him away and he stayed the rest of the week with me. I def didn't want him there but didn't have the guts at the time to say it to his face....and he didn't pick up on my coldness throughout the week. Anyways, the other guy finds out and Im prepared for him to call it quits with me, BUT he doesn't and now we're into our 13th year of marriage with 3 kids. This betrayal has caused a lot of issues for us still to this day. And now my brother is getting married and told me he intended to ask his friend to be groomsman at his wedding. My husband was keen to go to the overseas wedding prior to finding out about the booty call being there. I was prepared to not go to the wedding to show my support for my husband but Ive since spoken to my brother saying we couldnt go as it was too expensive ( a good excuse) my brother came back saying I can't miss his wedding and he found a cheaper flight and would pay for us. Which is when I said it was really due to his friend being there. He offered to uninvite him so my husband and I would be there, I didn't want to put my brother in this situation. I told my husband today that my brother uninvited the friend (he hasn't yet as I said to hold off while I think about it) and my husband said he's still not going to go to the wedding as he doesn't want people talking about why the friend couldn't come and why did I bring him into the discussion as I should've just said it was due to it being too expensive. I want to be there for my brother but also for my husband. . I was thinking of messaging the booty call and asking him to not come but not sure how it'll play out. My husband says I can still go to the wedding but its a 2-3 legs of flying one way with 3 kids without the man I adore. Advice please

OP posts:
Kirta · 14/04/2018 09:41

Go and have a lovely time at your brothers wedding. Giving headspace to a shag 15 years ago before you were in any kind if committed relationship is nonsensical.
Have a wonderful time.

Original poster
CiaoBella82 · 14/04/2018 10:23

DH cheated on his fiancé many many times not just with me but apparently that has nothing to do with me because it was before our time and he was searching for the right girl. He wanted to be committed to his fiancé but sexually she didn't do it for him.....thats his justification... At the time I met him he told me he had 7 girls on the go but he'd drop them all for me....Ive had to deal with a few other girls since we were serious and married - but I deserved these due to my slutting around.
Going to wedding!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 14/04/2018 10:26

What a horrific role model he is for your DC Sad blokes can shag around whether single, engaged or married but if a female has more than one sexual relationship in her life time then she is a slag Angry

Mydogmylife · 14/04/2018 10:36

I deserved these ' due to my slutting around' !!! Good grief woman your DH has really done a number on you hasn't he? Get some of that self respect he keeps banging on about and get rid!

woodstack · 14/04/2018 10:44

I'm horrified for you. He sounds like a nasty piece of work. I wouldn't bother with couples counselling. Go to counselling on your own and explore your boundaries and why you think you deserve this kind of treatment. You sound lovely by the way. Unlike him.

Shadow666 · 14/04/2018 10:48

And he says you have no self respect?? Confused

I wouldn’t go for couples counseling. I think you need counseling on your own to figure out if this is really the life you want for yourself.

PerfectPenquins · 14/04/2018 10:57

Why oh why did you stay with him once you knew about him cheating on a fiancé- why the duck did he ask her to marry him when he was treating her so badly? 7 other women on the go what the hell?? He can go to hell with the fuss he is making over you and your casual one week weird thing he is the one who has no morals, is a user, a cheat and has a very poor opinion and no respect for women. This is not good father material I hope to hell your children do not grow up like him.

I’d be divorcing to be honest maybe he is happy for you to go alone because he has another string of women to mess with?

CaptainNancyoftheAmazon · 14/04/2018 11:01

Im afraid I think you still need to develop your self respect. Counselling as a couple would be if there was a foundation to build on but it sounds like there hasnt been a single time in your relationship when he's treated you as a partner should. He was lying about a huge thing at the start (making you the unwitting other woman is very different to having consensual sex with someone when you were not in an exclusive relationship or letting a man you once had sex with stay in your house). Since then he has called you a slut (fyi no decent man would do this), cheated on you repeatedly & blamed you.

I think your family & previous relationship experiences have given you a broken perspective on what is acceptable. He may not be as abusive as your past but that doesnt make his behaviour ok. Seriously decent partners dont call you a slut, dont cheat throughout your relationship & dont hold events from before you were exclusive against you for 13 years.

I think individual counselling would be better

reddressblueshoes · 14/04/2018 11:13

Christ OP.

Please ring Womens Aid at some point, and get some individual counselling, not couples.
He is profoundly emotionally abusive and manipulative from what you've just said.

BishopBrennansArse · 14/04/2018 11:22

Yep your update makes me change opinion.

LTB.

ThinkingQueSeraSera · 14/04/2018 12:11

I don't understand why your partner would be so bothered about a former hookup from so long ago? My DP and I regularly hang out with people I hooked up with years ago, he knows I love him and isn't insecure.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 14/04/2018 12:28

Reading your updates my guess is that he is delighted that you are seeing this man again. It means that he can pretend to get all upset about it and award himself a free pass to shag who he wants for the next 15 years while you blame yourself and beg his forgiveness.

category12 · 14/04/2018 12:34

What ADarkandStormyKinight said ^

Pannacott · 14/04/2018 12:39

Oh I'm sorry this sounds horrific. Your husband sounds like a piece of shit.

Go to the wedding if you want, leave the kids with him. Definitely go ahead with the counselling, but look for someone who specialises in abusive relationships, codependency or relationships with narcissists. Good luck for the future.

pinkyredrose · 14/04/2018 12:41

OP do you think he's still shagging around and that's why he keeps on at you, to deflect from his actions?

ToffeeUp · 14/04/2018 12:47

He says you have no self respect and have been 'promiscuous' and 'sluttin around' Wow! What a bastard he is.

Don't go for couples counselling but do go for counselling for yourself. You deserve so much better.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/04/2018 12:48

No couples counselling. You need individual therapy. And you need to leave him because he's a sexist, manipulative, controlling arsehole who is hellbent on messing with your mind so he can fuck around while you feel bad.

He's a bad person.

TheresSomebodyAtTheDoor · 14/04/2018 12:54

Blimey. Go to the wedding. Be sure to leave at least 1 child at home with him.
When you get home, pack his bags. You deserve to be respected, not controlled.

lattewith3shotsplease · 14/04/2018 12:55

OP,
Having read all your updates, I have to say DH is a slime ball cunt

How dare he make you feel like that, and yet he thinks he can do what he wants.

Go to the Wedding have a wonderful time...
look for a decent man who wont take you down

You are worth more...believe in yourself Flowers

TwentySmackeroos · 14/04/2018 12:56

Your updates are horrific. He sounds awful. How dare he control and belittle you like this? What a dick.

Fluffychickenmonkey · 14/04/2018 13:01

Sexist prick. Your husband sounds like a complete Bell end

NotWeavingButDarning · 14/04/2018 15:00

This whole thing sounds completely mad and totally blown out of all proportion.

And the language you're using to talk about yourself is honestly giving me the rage. Women are allowed to enjoy sex and not be embarrassed about it, you know.

Leave your utter arsehole of a husband and get some counseling. Not necessarily in that order.

PinkCalluna · 14/04/2018 15:12

At the time I met him he told me he had 7 girls on the go but he'd drop them all for me....Ive had to deal with a few other girls since we were serious and married - but I deserved these due to my slutting around

So he was cheating with 7 women at the same time, one of whom he had made a commitment to and that’s fine but you have suffered emotional abuse for 15 years because you left someone kip in your flat for a week?

You aren’t a slut.
You have nothing to apologise for or feel guilty about.

Why bother with couples councilling?

Do you genuinely think he will change.

sayhellotothelittlefella · 14/04/2018 16:22

Reading your updates my guess is that he is delighted that you are seeing this man again. It means that he can pretend to get all upset about it and award himself a free pass to shag who he wants for the next 15 years while you blame yourself and beg his forgiveness.
^This. 100%. Please stop blaming yourself

sayhellotothelittlefella · 14/04/2018 16:22

Sorry bold fail. Not sure how that happened