Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To tell DS the REAL reason we separated...

125 replies

MamaWhatToDo · 11/04/2018 23:30

Myself and DS father have been separated for 6 years, since he was 7 years old. We split up because he had a rampant porn addiction, erectile dysfunction (which he blamed my appearance/vagina for) and our total lack of sex life.

Our DS, now 13, has recently taken a keen interest in why we split up. He is a very academically bright boy and ahead of his years in many ways. I have used numerous excuses over the years:

'We just weren't right for each other'
'Sometimes adults just fall out of love'
'It's none of your business'

The usual.

However he has really been pushing for specific reasons lately, and has decided that one of us must have cheated on the other. What have other parents done in this scenario? Kept spouting the usual rhetoric? Or a watered down version of the truth? I am really at a loss Sad

OP posts:
AloaBoa · 11/04/2018 23:33

No! It would be completely inappropriate to give those details. Just tell him that nobody cheated, that people drift apart, that they realise they're incompatible and move on with their lives, that's life.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 11/04/2018 23:35

Imo keeping a dp on a pedestal is not beneficial to dc in the long run.

MelanieCheeks · 11/04/2018 23:35

Stick with your usual rhetoric. Anything else runs the risk of some awful consequences or misunderstandings or blaming.

Why the sudden interest? What's his relationship like with his dad?

Original poster
MamaWhatToDo · 11/04/2018 23:36

The trouble is AloaBoa, I have done that many many times in the past. He insists he has a right to know the actual truth. It is now leading to increasing tension and arguments as he has taken it upon himself that one of us cheated on the other.

OP posts:
PrettyLittIeThing · 11/04/2018 23:36

What? Why would you tell him that? He needs to accept yours reasons and tbh doesn't sound that mature if he can't accept that sometimes people do really split 'just because'

Wolfiefan · 11/04/2018 23:37

He doesn't have a right to know intimate details of his parents' relationship. Don't tell him.

SmileyBird · 11/04/2018 23:37

Of course you shouldn’t tell him that!

I have said to my DD that when parents split up it is impirtant that they don’t criticise each other to their child, and if we were to start telling her specifics about arguments etc, then we would be straying dangerously close to that territory.

elQuintoConyo · 11/04/2018 23:37

Fuck no! Keep that truth for yourself!

If you badmouth his father, will it get back to your exh?

"We had adult problems and wanted different things".

My parents split when i was 34 and even then if they had told me it was over porn addiction and/or erectile disfunction i would have been screaming for brain-ear-mental image bleach!

Make it clear to him that he (your ds) wasn't the reason, it wasn't cheating, it wasn't going to work as a partnership, there was no respect between you and exh and it is something you BOTH decided on. But outright refuse to reveal the real reason, highly inappropriate.

Sorry for your shitty time of things Flowers

ineedamoreadultieradult · 11/04/2018 23:38

the porn, erectile distinction and lack of sex life may have caused it but you don't necessarily leave someone for these reasons, you left him because you didn't love him so the reason you have given is the truth.

AloaBoa · 11/04/2018 23:39

Be firm with him. Most people do split up because they drift apart and find themselves incompatible. You were incompatible so that's the truth. You don't need to give any details.

SmileyBird · 11/04/2018 23:39

Also, I agree with the poster above that if he really is mature he should be able to accept that you want to keep some details private. He does not have any ‘rights’ in this.

Original poster
MamaWhatToDo · 11/04/2018 23:43

I guess another struggle I have is that when my parents went through a rocky patch in their marriage, my mum was absolutely honest with me about my father having an affair (I was 7 at the time).

Although my respect and understanding for her increased ten fold, my relationship with my father has always suffered since. I have never seen him in the same way. I will keep trying with the usual rhetoric but it's so hard when you are dealing with an angsty and inquisitive teenager.

OP posts:
saiya06 · 11/04/2018 23:45

Tell your son to mind his own business.

Scrumptiousbears · 11/04/2018 23:45

It was wholly inappropriate for your mum to have told you that at aged 7 and still inappropriate for you to tell your son at aged 13. Everyone is telling you this OP so why argue it?

Wolfiefan · 11/04/2018 23:45

You decide what's appropriate. And you stick to your guns. Don't keep trying. I don't give a shit how bright he is. None of your reasons for splitting are appropriate to share with a child. If he is rude or keeps asking then it's bad behaviour. Issue a consequence.

Graphista · 11/04/2018 23:46

I believe in honesty - but not in traumatising children.

In this scenario I'd say something like differences in expectation regarding how the romantic/emotional side of how a relationship should work.

I tried my best not to bad mouth ex to dd, to avoid telling her. She worked it out for herself when she learned about human gestation length (her eldest half brother born 7 months after we split).

I get the altruistic intent but honestly she was angry with me for not telling her and him for both doing it AND not telling her plus she was angry with step mum too.

In hindsight gently honesty would have been better.

ShinyShooney · 11/04/2018 23:50

He has been watching too many soap operas if he thinks couples only split when one cheats on the other.

Majority of people just grow apart, want different things, fall out of love- he should be able to accept that if he is mature.

Longdistance · 11/04/2018 23:50

Too young, even if he is academically bright. You’ll traumatise the poor lad.

Some things are best kept under wraps.

It’s none of his business. Keep with it, and eventually when he’s older he will find out anyway.

SmileyBird · 11/04/2018 23:50

You want to tell him, don’t you?

Original poster
MamaWhatToDo · 11/04/2018 23:53

SmileyBird No I absolutely do not want to tell him the honest truth, as laid out in the OP. I think it would destroy what little relationship he has with his dad. He also has some issues with the fact his dad moved over 200 miles away and only sees him during the holidays.

I think an approach like Graphista suggested would be for the best. I've always thought it better to be somewhat honest, and I know that had my mum not told me the real reason when I was 7 - by hook or by crook I would have found out anyway!

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 12/04/2018 00:05

you can tell him that neither of you had an affair, and then reiterate your previous fell out of love.. etc.

BlackeyedSusan · 12/04/2018 00:06

maybe it would help his relationship with his dad if you told him he did not have an affair.

Mrsramsayscat · 12/04/2018 00:08

If you tell him that it may well give him future issues of that sort of his own, apart from any other reasons.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/04/2018 00:09

I also don't hold with keeping all negatives about exes away from the children - in many cases it's a bad idea to keep them on a pedestal, I think.

But I don't think you should give your son absolute specifics here - just stick with the "incompatible" line, if he pushes for more, tell him to ask his father instead!

Most 13yos would die of cringe if you started to mention your sex-life anyway, wouldn't they?

Butterymuffin · 12/04/2018 00:09

I would say firmly that it wasn't either of you cheating but it was other behaviour that you disagreed over.