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Original poster

To tell DS the REAL reason we separated...

125 replies

MamaWhatToDo · 11/04/2018 23:30

Myself and DS father have been separated for 6 years, since he was 7 years old. We split up because he had a rampant porn addiction, erectile dysfunction (which he blamed my appearance/vagina for) and our total lack of sex life.

Our DS, now 13, has recently taken a keen interest in why we split up. He is a very academically bright boy and ahead of his years in many ways. I have used numerous excuses over the years:

'We just weren't right for each other'
'Sometimes adults just fall out of love'
'It's none of your business'

The usual.

However he has really been pushing for specific reasons lately, and has decided that one of us must have cheated on the other. What have other parents done in this scenario? Kept spouting the usual rhetoric? Or a watered down version of the truth? I am really at a loss Sad

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 12/04/2018 00:53

Cant believe some people think its ok to tell a 13yr old that they had problems regarding sex with thier father wtaf?
Thats not something a 13yr old needs to know about his parents in any universe.
Time he learned that he doesnt get to know the far end of peoples personal business no matter how curious he is.

I cant imagine any child actually wanting to know about thier parents sex life thats just too weird and frankly puts too much pressure on them when they are too young to understand adult relationships. No kid wants to know thier parents have sex!

SandyY2K · 12/04/2018 00:53

If your Ex had cheated it would be easier to say that than the real reason.

Tell him you weren't getting on any more and the arguments became intolerable. Yell him.its called irretrievable breakdown of a marriage.

perfectstorm · 12/04/2018 00:57

It's absolutely none of his business, and he needs to learn that boundaries apply to him, too. He's a teenager. Pushing you is his job. Staying steady and stable is yours. And that would include not involving him in the grisly minutiae of his father's flaws.

Your son is genetically half his father. It's way too intertwined, for a kid learning who he is, to get into this stuff.

If anyone else started pushing you for details, when you had said no, you'd be angry. He may be your son, but he has no right to know. All you can do is firmly tell him that it's nothing to do with an affair, nothing to do with him, and that he has to accept that.

An affair would screw him up a lot less than porn addiction and erectile dysfunction because it's common and generic. Detailed sexual history, for a 13 year old? About his parents? No. Boundaries would be breached all over the place. It's just not appropriate for him to have any involvement in this.

pallisers · 12/04/2018 01:04

It's absolutely none of his business, and he needs to learn that boundaries apply to him, too. He's a teenager. Pushing you is his job. Staying steady and stable is yours.

This!!

Tringley · 12/04/2018 01:08

Sorry OP. Sometimes a child does have a right to know why their parents split up. My XH is a substance abuser/addict. While he's young this isn't something my son is aware of. But at some point as he gets older, and if XH doesn't get properly sober, I will have to tell him the truth as XH's addictions have the power to badly effect our child. He needs to know why he must never, ever get in a car that's driven by XH for example. He'll need to know how to protect himself from being manipulated and gaslighted by an addict. I'd honestly love for him to never know what his father is really like but over the coming years he will have to be told.

In your case though, the problems that caused your relationship to break down are of no concern to your son. That doesn't mean he's not curious about it. That's normal. But knowing those details will not help him. They will not protect him or give him the tools he needs to manage the relationship he has with his father. They are details that are only of concern to you and your ex. They are private, sexual details and not knowing them won't hurt your son.

steppemum · 12/04/2018 01:11

I totally agree with the boundaries thing, but I do think that he is looking for more explanation and understanding.

Having a good discussion about why marriages do break up, generically, and saying that the details of yours are private is a good step forward.

Noqonterf · 12/04/2018 01:12

I don't think it's necessary for him to know. Its not really any of his business to know the intimate details. It was your relationship as husband and wife. His relationship with his father is entirely separate to this. I think it's a bit odd that you would ever consider it tbh.

Atticusss · 12/04/2018 01:22

URGH. I really hate this attitude of protecting men that have behaved like this. Why should women bear the brunt of equal blame, when the fault is the mans porn addiction or an affair or emotional abuse? I understand protecting them from every detail, I understand explaining things in an age appropriate way, but 'we fell out of love' 'we were both to blame' etc is unnecessary woman blaming. You weren't an equal part in his porn addiction whatsoever. Porn addiction is worse than an affair imo.

I would probably say something like, he did something that was disrespectful to women, and to you that you couldn't forgive, but it is private and maybe one day you can explain more, but you hope he can respect you by not pushing it as it is a sensitive issue, and hopefully his dad has changed. When he is an adult I would tell him all the details if he still wanted to know. He's 13 not 5.

IntoTheFloodAgain · 12/04/2018 01:25

Even if you did tell him the truth (which would be highly inappropriate) I don’t think a 13 year old would be mature enough to understand those particular problems and how they affect adult relationships. So you would just end up with more awkward ‘why’ questions.

Once you start, you won’t be able to back peddle from ‘he didn’t like my vagina’.

Good luck.

IntoTheFloodAgain · 12/04/2018 01:30

he did something that was disrespectful to women, and to you that you couldn't forgive,

That is a terrible thing to say.
It would just incite the worst thoughts possible. I think most would jump to the conclusion of sexual assault if you said this. That’s not something you want to mislead your DC to believe is it?

No one here is trying to protect the ex, they are trying to protect the DS from hearing about his parents sexual history.

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 12/04/2018 01:33

At 13, from past experiences he’s old enough to know mumsnet exists and can find this thread. I say that through a personal failure

milliegeobotandyou · 12/04/2018 01:34

It's not about protecting the ex, it's about protecting the kid from knowing graphic stuff about his parents that aren't necessary. Agree with IntoTheFlood, that response would be stupid. Any response is going to arouse questions or mulling over from the child if they are curious, so the OP will need to be careful in her choice of words should she choose to say anything more on what happened.

Atticusss · 12/04/2018 01:35

But the porn industry IS disrespectful for women. Are you excusing a porn addiction?

Ivebeenaroundtheblock · 12/04/2018 01:39

i wouldn't lie. at 13 when teens begin to be interested or aware of pornography i think it's a perfect age to discuss the effects of said activities.

milliegeobotandyou · 12/04/2018 01:41

Lol no, but it's not the 13 year olds business. They can be taught about porn in a way that doesn't involve them knowing private details about their dad.

thebewilderness · 12/04/2018 01:50

If he spends time with his dad it could be that there are some behaviors that are concerning him.
Irreconcilable differences are all children are entitled to know but some like family stories and have separation anxieties that cause them to worry they might do something to cause you to want to divorce them. Sometimes it is something a friend is going through that they decide must have been what happened.

Difficult to sort out why he is so adamant about his "right to know:, so maybe that is what need sorted.

nooka · 12/04/2018 02:05

I don't think saying to a teenager that you split up with his dad because you weren't right for each other and didn't love each other anymore (which you have already said and is true) and then saying that his dad wouldn't stop watching lot of porn and you didn't like it when those answers aren't sufficient to him would be traumatic. At 13 he will have come across porn and probably picked up that some people have issues with it so I think as a reason it will make sense and put the conversation to bed for a few more years.

liminality · 12/04/2018 02:19

I'm ging to go against the grain a little here, and wonder why so many children have to be sheltered from everything real in their lives? Dealing with addiction, especially in these days of endlessly available internet, is a real risk. How people learn to deal with their mistakes is a huge part of the knowledge of younger people.
My own mother was and is reticient about sharing any personal learnings/struggles/challenges. I was relatively okay without all her knowledge because I am gregarious and have a wide social circle to learn emotional maturity and relationship pitfalls from. My brother, having not received any of this info, had a mental health breakdown, party because he had no coping mechanisms, because no one had ever told him anything real about themselves.
Relationships are hard, addictions are hard, health issues are certainly hard to deal with, we need all the tools in our emotional toolbelt to help us understand and overcome all the varied things that life will throw at us.
My friends and I discuss anatomy, emotional pitfalls, relationships and so on with all our kids. Sometimes simplified for age, sometimes not. You'd be surprised how much kids can cope with, and often they just ignore the parts they don't until they can come back to it in a few years.
The only thing I'd be hesitant about here is the badmouthing the dad, you don't want him to belittle his father for problems that many men are deeply insecure about even to this day.
But for me, honesty is def the best policy. However you manage to frame it.
I

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/04/2018 02:35

'Its not as simple as one single reason why we split up, it never is but I can tell you that neither of us cheated on the other. I understand that you want to know a single definitive reason why we split, and if there was one then I would tell you but there isnt. I wont be discussing this anymore as it is between me and your father.'

pallisers · 12/04/2018 02:48

and wonder why so many children have to be sheltered from everything real in their lives?

The reality is the parents have split. The child isn't sheltered from that.

no child needs to know the ins and outs of their parents' sex lives. No child needs to know anything about his father's erectile dysfunction.
That isn't real in their lives. it is real in their parents' lives. There is a big difference between honesty and revealing personal stuff that your child doesn't need to know.

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/04/2018 02:49

lim

I am 44 and (fairly) recently found out some unpalatable things about my parents marriage. I wish I hadnt in all honesty because despite understanding the whys and wherefores, it isnt my business! Some things are private and its ok to say that. Do you think that in 20 years say, when he is old enough to understand, he will be happy to look at his father with that knowledge?!

If the OP wants tto talk to her son about the issues that ended her marriage in order to educate him then I am sure she will, it doesnt have to be done in the context of the marriage breaking down in order to be a valid lesson. Telling him what happened could (and probably would) harm the father/son relationship, at least in the short term, and would definitely affect the co-parenting relationship.

OlennasWimple · 12/04/2018 03:18

Even if he was 53, he never ever needs to hear that his father was massively into porn and didn't find his mother's vagina a turn on Envy

Willow2017 · 12/04/2018 05:31

Even if he was 53, he never ever needs to hear that his father was massively into porn and didn't find his mother's vagina a turn on

This^
Why on earth would you discuss this with your child? Its needlessly burdening them with info they do not need to know. Its not going to help at all.

RainyApril · 12/04/2018 05:51

If he's still asking it's because you've been cryptic with your responses.

People separate for all sorts of reasons, including falling out of love, growing apart and wanting different things. Tell him with enough conviction and he will believe it.

At 13 I'd suggest some honesty if there was a reason such as alcoholism or an affair, but the reasons in your case are too private, too intimate to share with your child.

It isn't about protecting your xh, but about protecting your ds. I wouldn't want to hear those details about my parents, and I'm a fully grown woman with life and relationship experience to provide context.

And apart from that - when he sees his dad, he'll bring it up. Will your xh nod, agree and admit to all of that? I doubt it. He'll have his own version of events, probably something about needing porn occasionally because you never wanted sex, and your poor ds is in the middle of this awful situation.

IrianOfW · 12/04/2018 09:35

Reassure him that neither of you were unfaithful as that seems to be his concern. Other than that keep with the platitudes.