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Original poster

To tell DS the REAL reason we separated...

125 replies

MamaWhatToDo · 11/04/2018 23:30

Myself and DS father have been separated for 6 years, since he was 7 years old. We split up because he had a rampant porn addiction, erectile dysfunction (which he blamed my appearance/vagina for) and our total lack of sex life.

Our DS, now 13, has recently taken a keen interest in why we split up. He is a very academically bright boy and ahead of his years in many ways. I have used numerous excuses over the years:

'We just weren't right for each other'
'Sometimes adults just fall out of love'
'It's none of your business'

The usual.

However he has really been pushing for specific reasons lately, and has decided that one of us must have cheated on the other. What have other parents done in this scenario? Kept spouting the usual rhetoric? Or a watered down version of the truth? I am really at a loss

OP posts:

Redglitter · 12/04/2018 14:36

A coated honest is probably the best way - Dad wanted more sex than I could give

Good grief you really think that's a good option? Most folk really don't want to think about their parents having a sex life let alone have any part of it shared with them

I agree with pp. Keep reinforcing it wasn't due to an affair but also despite what he thinks that no he doesn't have a right to know the details

LiteraryDevil · 12/04/2018 14:37

Iamgrey I'm not sure what she wants to know in addition. I think the problem is her dad tells her he didn't leave me for the OW and he was leaving anyway (despite the fact we were TTC number 3 when he started seeing the OW) so maybe she's confused as to the truth. But then she frequently informs me that her dad is a liar and has held this opinion since she was 5 so I don't know.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 12/04/2018 14:38

I'm 36 and don't think I've ever asked my parents for the 'real reasons' they divorced.

DS1 has asked occasionally why his Dad and I split up. I explain truthfully every time that we simply didn't make each other happy and that we felt it wasn't right to stay together continuing to make one another unhappy. I'm sure as he gets older he'll ask more and I'll have to find more substantial answers, but I don't feel "well, your Dad decided to fuck his ex, Karen, while I was pregnant" will ever be an appropriate answer because it potentially causes harm to how DS1 looks at his Dad.

Some details are simply better forgotten. Not forgiven, necessarily. But forgotten for the sake of making sure your DC don't feel they have to take sides or feel bad for one party. DS1 is a very black-and-white kind of boy and it would break his heart knowing his Dad made that choice. For all that I despised his Dad at the time, it wouldn't be his Dad I was hurting if I was to share that with DS1.

DragonsAndCakes · 12/04/2018 14:39

Not read the whole thread, sorry. Isn’t the real problem something more like you had problems and ex H wouldn’t address them/work on it? Can you think of a way of wording it that’s the truth but not saying what the ‘problem’ was?

MiniTheMinx · 12/04/2018 14:43

April, I knew my own parents very well and we could talk openly about anything. People are flawed. They are imperfect. My parents were too. But I always knew I could go to them with anything because they wouldn't judge me.

I work with children who have experienced trauma, one of the first fundamental things you learn is to be honest with them. To have integrity. You work from a place where everyone is flawed and you help them to find acceptance. They work through chaos, to confusion, to guilt, to understanding, to anger and finally to full acceptance. No one hides the truth, or "indoctrinates"

If you are able to love, respect, tolerate others even with their flaws, one can learn to love themselves. All of us feel shame, we all have hidden things we wish to hide, we should be able to live with ourselves! As an example I work with children to overcome their impulses, sometimes impulses to hurt others or themselves. Is it better to admit you too have impulses (I always use the example of wanting to kick bins) and that impulses are normal, we all have them, what matters is how we deal with them. You can't simply replace one impulse with another! Or one addiction with another.

Men's needs to watch pornography are no different. It's just an impulse. You could either face up to it and admit it, or spend all day arguing "men have needs" that trump the right of women not to be gang banged on film, or accept that Bronson's impulse to kill people was based on some natural inborn "need"

I don't think I could tell these kids "well hey sorry your father raped your mother and your mother beat you....it was just a "need" they will never grow up to be healthy mentally or emotionally if they remain forever confused, guilty or angry.

drspouse · 12/04/2018 14:47

He doesn't have a right to know intimate details of his parents' relationship.
No - but he does have a right to know that much of current-day porn (I'd remove the words "much" and "current-day") is demeaning to women and that basing any idea of relationships on porn gives men an unrealistic idea of what women, and sex, are like.
And that one of the things you didn't like about his dad was that he watched/looked at too much porn.
And therefore that most thinking women would have a problem with a man who behaves like this - so not just as a reasonable human being, but also as a young man who wants to have a relationship with a reasonable thinking woman (one hopes) he should bear this in mind.

TL:DR Don't be like your dad in this specific way.

BitchQueen90 · 12/04/2018 14:50

Some of us do split up because we fell out of love. Myself and my exh did! So when DS is old enough to ask why then that's all I'll be able to tell him! That will have to be enough for him.

Ickyockycocky · 12/04/2018 14:56

You need to separate the lesson on porn from why you split up. Telling a child details about their parents break up will only end badly.

Dani240 · 12/04/2018 15:11

I was told about my father's affair at age four. As an adult I was told graphic details about the reasons that his second marriage had come to an end. I can assure you that I would have much preferred to not be told (I didn't ask).

He might be a teenager but it's honestly completely inappropriate to talk to him about sexual problems that you had with his dad. If you wouldn't talk to your father about it then I would suggest that you don't talk to your son about it.

You don't owe him the gory details and he shouldn't be harassing you but maybe he is trying to process some of his feelings about your marriage ending and this is his clumsy way of initiating the conversation. Perhaps you can ask him about his perceptions of the divorce and how it made him feel?

MrsDilber · 12/04/2018 15:24

Tell him he is 100% wrong about the cheating. Tell him the truth, if he's still interested, when he's an adult.

drspouse · 12/04/2018 15:37

You need to separate the lesson on porn from why you split up.
To some extent this is true but if he assumes you are on the same page about this, he needs to know that's not the case before he asks his father.

AJPTaylor · 12/04/2018 15:43

There is nothing for him to find out though. I assume you have no intention of telling him about porn and erection problems!
Just stick to the truth, which is we were incompatible.

Loandbeholdagain · 12/04/2018 15:44

Tread carefully here. Words can’t be taken back.

I would be very limited and clear. E.g your dad and I weren’t getting what we needed out of our marriage. I felt hurt but I’m okay. I love you. This isn’t about your age. Certain things are private between couples, even from adult children. I’m not going to say any more however hard you push. I hope you’ll respect me enough to stop asking for more than is right to discuss with you. Regardless I’ll keep giving you the same answer.

EenaMinaMoe · 12/04/2018 16:37

The other thing I would worry about is that if the OP decides to give her son a version of events which paints her ex in such a negative light, she would definitely be stepping away from any kind of united front in parenting - presumably her ex is not going to be ok with his kid being told he was an impotent porn addict! Presuming he's still in the child's life, that could have a lot of unpleasant knock on effects moving forwards, starting with the ex feeling the need to sell his side of the story onwards.

I think it's a very high risk thing to do.

PatchworkWomble · 12/04/2018 17:06

The posters saying that this is a good opportunity to educate a 13 year old about porn... It just isn't. Porn needs to be discussed entirely separately from anything to do with his parents marriage breakdown. He may not want to hear his parents talk about porn generally, nevermind in relation to their own sex life.

If anything, use it as an opportunity to educate him about privacy, boundaries and respect, save the porn talk for another time.

upaladderagain · 12/04/2018 17:24

This boy sounds as though his insistence on knowing ‘the truth’ could turn on to resentment or worse towards his mum. Bearing in mind that he is 13, and will have some understanding of sex, could it be appropriate to say something along the lines of ‘Your father and I had serious problems with our sex life which led to us feeling that we could no longer live together. Those problems are naturally none of your business, and I don’t want to discuss them any more than you would want to hear about them’.
He REALLY won’t want to hear it - just the word sex in relation to his parents should shut down any further probing or speculation, and the explanation lays no blame on either party.

BrownTurkey · 12/04/2018 17:24

He needs a narrative to make sense of it. I would be reasonably frank, something like I ended the relationship because his behaviour towards me was very disrespectful and unpleasant and I believe the negative behaviour was caused by excessive use of pornography. There was no other man or woman involved. That's all I have to say.

BrownTurkey · 12/04/2018 17:25

But do be prepared to be seen as to blame. He sounds like he needs to process this.

Charley50 · 12/04/2018 17:29

Ugh; from a young age my mum overshared with me about the grim realities of her relationship with my dad.
I really wished she hadn't.

Completely inappropriate and even if I asked (can't remember if I did) she was the adult and should have known better.

juliej00ls · 12/04/2018 17:45

You are the adult he is the child no matter how “mature “ this information will benefit your child in no way.

peacheachpearplum · 12/04/2018 17:55

Fast forward ten years and think about the reply if you asked him for the intimate details of his relationship. I don't think he would be telling you much and quite right too. You have as much right to privacy as he does.

MyBoysAndI · 12/04/2018 18:10

STBXH left nearly 10 months ago for OW. I refuse to lie to ds1 - 13yrs and ds2 10yrs and l won't cover up for him either. So when ds2 asked if XH had a girlfriend, l said yes. I didn't expand on it any further.

I don't volunteer information to them but if they ask me a question l won't cover for him anymore.

moodance · 12/04/2018 18:23

Please do not tell him that crickey ....

StripySocksAndDocs · 12/04/2018 18:40

Do you think he's got an idea that it was more than 'falling out of love'?

A large percentage of 13 year old are aware of open - lots will have seen it.

You could simply tell him that you and his father have very conflicting values and that it was no longer was something you could happily live with. But the details of that will remain private.

takeittakeit · 12/04/2018 23:49

Nanny0g - 3 ys of listening to his then SM (the OW) slag me off and say why his DF preferred her over me and from what my DCS told me - she was all over him, kissing him infront of them and they were not quiet!!!

No clues from me, I can assure you.

Most of the time I think kids want reassurance that it was not them who caused the split. If he is 13 and EX has a porn addiction then he has probably seen the evidence of this when visiting and now wants more information - this is part of their evolving understanding of their family.

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