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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To tell DS the REAL reason we separated...

125 replies

MamaWhatToDo · 11/04/2018 23:30

Myself and DS father have been separated for 6 years, since he was 7 years old. We split up because he had a rampant porn addiction, erectile dysfunction (which he blamed my appearance/vagina for) and our total lack of sex life.

Our DS, now 13, has recently taken a keen interest in why we split up. He is a very academically bright boy and ahead of his years in many ways. I have used numerous excuses over the years:

'We just weren't right for each other'
'Sometimes adults just fall out of love'
'It's none of your business'

The usual.

However he has really been pushing for specific reasons lately, and has decided that one of us must have cheated on the other. What have other parents done in this scenario? Kept spouting the usual rhetoric? Or a watered down version of the truth? I am really at a loss

OP posts:

Shizzlestix · 12/04/2018 00:10

The relationship of child/parent is entirely separate from the relationship between the parents. He has no right to know, no need to know. All he needs to know is that it was nothing to do with him, his parents still love him and always will.

takeittakeit · 12/04/2018 00:14

Actual truth - ummm!

My 11yr old worked it out, with no hints from me - I did as you did, saying love changes.

About 6 months ago - DS sat me down and said - Mum, Dad left you for OW ( now Ex OW) because she gave him sex when he wanted. You do know he regrets it - I have told him that what he did was wrong and you were ill, had 2 children and one ill and he worked away from home alot - so no wonder you were tired and she took advantage of the situation. She also wanted our money and she lied to Dad alot!( all quite true!)

I was flabbergasted - he hit it on the head, none of that had come from me and having spoken with EX - he had the same conversation with him but this was peppered with you were an idiot, what were you thinking, you hurt Mum etc.

A coated honest is probably the best way - Dad wanted more sex than I could give - partial truth but palatable for a teen, who is probably sex mad at the moment! Do not hide from it.

DS is very caring with me and now I get Mum you look really nice in that, you know men do like you - he is boost for my ego but I worry when he gets interested in girls!

UpstartCrow · 12/04/2018 00:16

You might consider getting him counselling as he is looking for someone to blame, as if the split happened recently. What he's doing isn't healthy or appropriate.

Willow2017 · 12/04/2018 00:16

For goodness sake dont tell him any details. He is far to young to know that stuff about his parents.
Its none of his business either. He cant be that mature if he thinks the only reason people split up is due to cheating.
Just keep telling him you grew apart and had differences on too many things and the best thing to do was split up.

If he persists tell him he doesnt have a right to know any personal details about you or his dad. Tell him he is a child and will accept what you say and thats the end of it.

Alpacinoshoohaa · 12/04/2018 00:16

It was wholly inappropriate for your mum to have told you that at aged 7

It really depends on the child. The op said for her it was the right decision. My DF had one and it was all secret and hushed and DB nearly went to jail and it was all hushed and dramatic. Thankfully DB GF was emotional switched on and actually knew me better than they all did and brought me up to speed in a kind way age 9, it was such a weight lifted off my wondering and imagining.

Alpacinoshoohaa · 12/04/2018 00:17

BUT yes of course details about his mums Vag..too young - we all are surely! Yes bat him off, just say it was nothing specific....

GnotherGnu · 12/04/2018 00:18

Point out to your son that he is mistaken in believing that he has a right to very personal information about your relationships. Tell him that what he does have a right to know is that you did not split up because either of you was cheating.

Qwertytypewriter · 12/04/2018 00:18

He doesn't have a right to know intimate details of his parents' relationship. Don't tell him.
This^. He's testing boundaries as a young teenager, but he absolutely does NOT need, or have a right to know the details of the split. I fear you are confusing your desire to make it clear who was 'to blame' in the split, with a need for him to know.

You can easily tell him there were no 3rd parties involved in any way in the split, without going into the detail. If persists questioning you, you just need to be firm, and tell him he's being rude by continuing, and its private.

He'll encounter plenty of situations where he's curious, but doesn't have the right to invade the privacy of others to find out what he'd like to know. See this as a useful lesson for him in understanding boundaries and respect in relationships. What is endearing curiousity in a 5 year old will wear thin in many situations now that he is a teen - I think your patience with this comes from your love for your DS, but others will not appreciate this kind of questioning.

Fwiw, I knew a girl when I was a teenager, who questioned people very persistently like this when she was curious about something - she was otherwise pleasant, but didn't seem to have close friends because it was properly annoying!

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 12/04/2018 00:20

Six years later, and he's still asking? You haven't been firm enough when you told him it's none of his business.

Wintertime4 · 12/04/2018 00:22

No he hasn’t a right at all.

And there are often ‘two truths’

Although I think it helps to be honest to a point. No cheating, no one left for anyone else. You could say that you fell out of love, there were problems that you did not think could be resolved. Your son is learning from you how to handle relationships in the future. Be a role model.

Nanny0gg · 12/04/2018 00:22

A coated honest is probably the best way - Dad wanted more sex than I could give - partial truth but palatable for a teen, who is probably sex mad at the moment! Do not hide from it.

Totally disagree. Parents' sex lives are none of the children's business. And I don't get how your DS managed to work it out unless given lots of 'clues'

Qwertytypewriter · 12/04/2018 00:26

A coated honest is probably the best way - Dad wanted more sex than I could give - partial truth but palatable for a teen, who is probably sex mad at the moment! Do not hide from it.
Some posters on here have really worrying boundary issues - 'palatable' for your child, who's 'probably sex mad'. It all sounds so wrong I don't know where to start .

milliegeobotandyou · 12/04/2018 00:27

No way. Regardless of whether the child would have the maturity to handle it or understand it's too private and inappropriate to share imo.

I'd tell him that the details are private between you and your ex and that some things are not for sharing.

This may not teach him anything about sex or expectations, but not everything needs to be a life lesson and there is a lesson to be taught in maintaining privacy too.

PatchworkWomble · 12/04/2018 00:29

Have you turned the questions round and asked him why he won't believe you? Could his dad have said something a bit cryptic which he has (incorrectly) interpreted himself? Something or someone must have piqued his interest on the subject.

Definitely don't change your reasons just because he is pressing you for details. People fall out of love, want different things and can grow apart. Some have affairs but neither of you did. These are all valid and appropriate reasons to give him. Perhaps firmly tell him the case is closed and to please drop it? You've told him the truth and to give further details would be inappropriate.

incywincybitofa · 12/04/2018 00:29

I don't think your DS needs to know about your sex life.
He can know that no one else is involved if you want to tell him that
He can also know what happened between his dad and you is none of his business and private for both of you.

You can say bright I would say precocious but if you tell him the truth it wont cheer him up and settle his curiosity it will blight how he sees his father and murky the last few years of childhood.

LittlePaintBox · 12/04/2018 00:29

Is he worried he caused the split and is seeking for other reasons?

Your sexual relationships are none of his business. He'll have to accept this eventually if you keep repeating the replies you've decided on.

It's completely valid to withhold those details from his son at this stage of his life. It's not his business and it wouldn't be in his best interests to tell him IMO.

AnathemaPulsifer · 12/04/2018 00:30

'No, it wasn't an affair. There was some private adult stuff that I'm not comfortable discussing with you, but basically we fell out of love'

trashcanjunkie · 12/04/2018 00:32

Kids know when parents aren’t being honest. Find a way to be authentic in the telling without compromising your privacy, like saying ‘me and dad wanted really different things from each other, and these things were to do with love and sex. It wasn’t possible for us to work those problems out, and that’s why we aren’t together any more’. I would also say talk to him about why it’s so important for him to know why you and his dad split up.
He might think if he knew, he would be able to fix things between you. He might not, but he obviously knows something isn’t congruent.

Homebird8 · 12/04/2018 00:32

It is none of his business. You can deny the accusations of infidelity on either of your parts without explaining your sex life to him. If he is so mature (and he isn’t) then ask him to consider whether every aspect of his adult relationships will be your knowledge just for the asking, as you have a right to know as his mother. If he doesn’t understand that’s a rhetorical question then see my earlier point about his maturity.

You are an adult woman who, together with an adult man, formed a relationship and then brought it to an end. The answers you have given to date are sufficient. You have a right to privacy as does his father.

Don’t for one minute think that he will never mention your ‘truth’ to anyone after he is in receipt of it. His mate at school, his grandparents, his father... And where it goes after that is completely out of your control.

Beeziekn33ze · 12/04/2018 00:34

OP
'We just weren't right for each other'
'Sometimes adults just fall out of love'

Both of these are actually true, as is that no one cheated.
I think he has to accept that you won't be saying anything else.

The details in your OP are not something many people could share with DC at any stage. My adult DC would, I guess, manage a general 'He watched a lot of porn' or 'He didn't fancy me any more'. Although they are sophisticated adults they would certainly not expect or want any more information.
I hope you can resolve this with your DS. I wonder whether he asks your ex similar questions. Maybe he's not close enough to do so. A very uncomfortable situation for you, you have my sympathy!

mummwest · 12/04/2018 00:46

You need to read between the lines here, to me it seems like he's struggling with you not being together.

My son sounds similar in some ways to your son, very smart and mature in lots of ways, he understands that sometimes couples split up because it's for the best, He would never insist on pushing for more and more details saying he has a right to know and wouldn't assume it was because of cheating if not, if your son is emotionally intelligent he would understand this....EXCEPT if he is struggling with it at the moment and is trying to get to grips with his feelings.

Maybe he's hurt that you couldn't make it work for him as so often we hear about people trying to make it work for the kids, or stay together for the kids or so on, and i'm sure he has heard of situations like that.

I would sit him down and talk about it and say that it wasn't working, you were never going to be happy together, that wasn't good for you, his dad or for him in the long term to be in that kind of environment.

NoSquirrels · 12/04/2018 00:47

He insists he has a right to know the actual truth. It is now leading to increasing tension and arguments as he has taken it upon himself that one of us cheated on the other.

Be firm.

"I have told you that no one had an affair. I am telling the truth. Why don't you believe that?"

Wait. Respond from there, but in no way at all should you mention your sex lives or grievances arising from them. Bleurgh.

He doesn't "have a right to know" any more than A N Other Person on the street. It was a relationship issue between 2 adults. Being your child doesn't give him rights over your history and decisions.

As fot takeit ...
A coated honest is probably the best way - Dad wanted more sex than I could give - partial truth but palatable for a teen, who is probably sex mad at the moment! Do not hide from it.
DS is very caring with me and now I get Mum you look really nice in that, you know men do like you - he is boost for my ego but I worry when he gets interested in girls!

pallisers · 12/04/2018 00:47

you need to be firm with him and establish your boundaries:

DS, you are NOT entitled to know why your dad and I split up. We were two adults and we had a relationship and how that relationship ended is our business - not yours. We fell out of love as I said. End of story. Neither of us cheated on the other. It had nothing to do with you. There was no abuse. There were reasons we split up. Nothing mysterious but nothing that is your business. If you ask me again I will only tell you again that this is not your concern.

pallisers · 12/04/2018 00:51

A coated honest is probably the best way - Dad wanted more sex than I could give - partial truth but palatable for a teen, who is probably sex mad at the moment! Do not hide from it.

God almighty I'd have vomited and been in life-long therapy if my mum had said that to me about her and my dad.

DS is very caring with me and now I get Mum you look really nice in that, you know men do like you - he is boost for my ego but I worry when he gets interested in girls!

I'd say a lot of us reading this would worry about your son when he gets interested in girls. I kind of worry about him now that he feels the need to validate you as a sexual being.

steppemum · 12/04/2018 00:52

please don't say he wanted more sex than me!
It is a lie, and it makes you sound frigid.

I do think that he is asking for more honesty and the 'fall out of love' line is not enough, he recognises it is a fob off. I would say:

Not every marriage breaks up because one person cheats. Marriages do break up when people don't love each other any more, that happens for different reasons, usually when there are things that you just cannot agree on any more, and you can't work together on it any more to sort it out, and that leads to you not loving each other any more.
For some couples that is money, or parenting etc. For us it was to do with how we wanted our relationship to work. That is complex and personal, and not easy to explain, especially at your age.
To be honest, it is also private to us as a couple and I am not sure even as an adult I would share it with you.

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