DP walked out the house at 1am as I asked to look at his phone....

[Angelina7]

Hi all,
Please be kind and gentle I'm obviously feeling fragile.
Bit of background ...
Been with DP coming up 6 years, have 1 child and 1 on the way ....v nearly here actually.
Anyway I have had this unsettling feeling now for a while, he takes his phone everywhere with him ...to the bathroom, next to him in bed, even if he walks out the room for a minute he takes it. He left it on charge in the kitchen other day & I was in the kitchen ...he then moved from sofa to a place he could see the kitchen!
Sooo tonight I come to bed & he is already asleep, he listens to talking on it to fall asleep through headphones. I lay there for a while then it got louder so I reached across to turn it off as he was asleep anyway, he woke with a start & I mumbled 'it's too loud' & he turned it off but what got me was his heart rate, It was racing as if he was panicked that I was looking at phone while he was asleep which of course got me going again with my suspicions. After a while I couldn't take it anymore 'can I see your phone?' I said & he asked why, I said ' you take it every where with you & I want to see some trust'. He starts looking at his emails & I asked 'what are u doing?' he said just looking at my emails & handed the phone over so of course where do I go straight to? ....his emails and it only takes a scroll down to find he's a member of a site where a girl with pic in lingerie has messaged him on & i can't see her message but the site says she wants sex or someone along those lines.... He forcefully takes the phone back from me and won't let me see any more saying hes not a kid and I shouldn't have the right to just check his phone and it's weird, I said its not weird, you are being very defensive and in denial, he wouldn't talk to me, grabbed a few personal belongings and his coat and went out at 1am ... presumably to delete everything he has on the phone of guilt!
I think I heard him come back just now but he's not come into the bedroom.
Sooooo, what do I do with this?
How can I react?
I know from the past he is totally unwilling to talk, but I cannot let it slide.
Also he actually has no time to physically cheat on me and he now works his own business that's totally open to the public, our community where lots of people know me and him now and I pop in unannounced any time so I am not sure he has been able to physically cheat in person, but what else happens on these sites?!! Even if he's chatting dirty it's cheating in my eyes, he would never accept me to do that!
I don't know what to do as I have no hard evidence, just feelings as he has made sure of this!! Obviously I would not be with him if I didn't love him but really it is like perhaps he has a split personality and he shows me his lovely family man side but is hiding his other side, but again, no evidence ...so frustrating.
Please be kind x

Hell, it doesn't bode well, does it? You can do without this whilst your pregnant! What are you going to do/say?

I was hoping someone wise could assist with this as I always feel like I react the wrong way ...I just went in and he asked to 'talk' tomorrow. Which I know he won't as he is incapable of talking honestly about these things & will just deny& get defensive all over, and it's like when? As we don't get alone time together unless late. So I raged at him for a bit, he got angry, I swore which I don't usually do, asked to see his phone even tho he would have deleted all and he said 'no' quite aggressively. I said he is putting this family in a dangerous situation by doing exactly what he is doing now and he's going to lose this family (which I know means so much to him). And I said well I'm glad u can sleep (he's lying on the sofa) coz I can't and walked off. I don't know, yes I could do without this now, but I can't put things off when I feel this way, yet I can't see through this with or without him. I just feel disheartened.

To be brutally honest, I would leave him. He's dishonest and nasty. You're never going to know what he's doing because he'll never own up to it.

People can always find time to cheat. It's not true that people who are busy have no time to cheat.

Awful situation. He is clearly up to no good,physically or otherwise. The question is what are you prepared to accept from him? You need a partnership and support, not a petulant child who is selfish (and he is being) and willing to risk all. I hope you get the honesty you deserve Good luck OP

OP. I would ask him to move out for a few days to give you time to process this.

It's shit timing but honestly I don't think there is a good time to find out this kind of stuff about your partner

Then use that time to work out what you want. if you decide you want to continue the relationship, work out how you want it to look moving forward. If you want to end it, that's equally valid and don't let anyone make you feel that it is not.

Get some RL support too

People with no time to cheat will make time to cheat.

I knew "D"H didnt have time to cheat. He found it somewhere.

DOnt bother going down the route of needing proof, he has already provided it. What you need to do now is figure out what you want to happen now. Word of warning, if you want to stay with him and work through it then he needs to be honest and talk about this, and it doesnt sound like he will.

I made the mistake of trying to work past an affair with a man who just wants to act like it never happened and it is hell on earth. You cant fix it on your own and if he wont do his part then you are doomed so you might as well tear the plaster off now.

I get random emails all the time from websites saying they have sexy girls in my area wanting sex or dating websites saying they have matches for me. I also get emails tryiing to sell me Viagra or penis enlarging pills. I don’t know why I get these emails. I’m a heterosexual woman so these emails are of no use to me. If my husband demanded to see my phone I would be pretty pissed off that he didn’t trust me. I wouldn’t jump to any conclusions without seeing the emails and their full content first .

Thank u for taking the time at this hour to reply, you all make sense and it's good to hear others opinions ...not just going mad in my own head!!!

Your dp has something to hide. I was in a similar situation and was pregnant too. I caught ex a few times messaging other women - mainly through Instagram. I honestly don't know why I stayed so long - pregnant or not, the stress is unhealthy. At one point, he downloaded an app onto his phone which allowed him to hide stuff - yet I stilll stayed. He didn't change and I got rid and haven't looked back.

If he is as guilty as he looks, paranoia will take over you and in my case, I could never trust him again and the relationship was irreparable.

Whatever you do, it won't be easy but you will get through it

Do these emails have your full name on? And what do I do then? ...Just carry on not knowing if to trust him or not? why would he snatch the phone so forcefully from me? I offered him my phone because I have nothing to hide! It just all looks so guilty even though I have no proof. Obviously my heart wants to say stay with him, I don't want to wreck this family, and I have always felt he's the one, but if I am in doubt how can I stay? Neither way looks possible to me atm.

Unfortunately you have played your cards too soon :( He's just going to be more careful now :( Don't feel bad about snooping - I replied on another post about my ex who had sent flowers to his 'mother'. It took 8 different pieces of evidence before he actually admitted it. If I had confronted him after the flowers I would have been none the wiser :(

Tbh the email you saw probably was spam, when he was "just looking" at his emails, he will have deleted whatever it was he didnt want you to see.

Your instinct coupled with his behaviour all points to the fact that he has somehing to hide. You cant trust him because he is showing himself to be untrustworthy.

This isnt a case of "I want to see your phone!" just because you feel like it, you did it because you knew there was something wrong. He went totally OTT when challeneged and has now stonewalled you. An innocent man wouldnt do that, he would get angry at being accused of something he hasnt done. He isnt speaking because he is frightened of dropping himself in it.

Don wai for him o admi anyhing as chances are he won, and if he does i will only be he very bare minimum ha he hinks you know, i will never ever be he full ruh. So you need o decide based on wha you know now.

Difficult.

Sad and hurtful situation for you !!! At a time when you need his love, support and trust the most......

People SHOULD have autonomy over their phone, BUT his behaviour his not only acceptable, but deeply, deeply suspicious.

I think you ' know ' there is something drastically amiss......

He might well not be cheating in the physical sense, but he's getting some extra marital jollies from somewhere, to some extent.

Regardless of you being pregnant, you shouldn't have to be walking on shards of glass......

Tell him you want him gone for a few days and he can return when he stops acting like a dick !!!!

That should be ' unacceptable '

Didn't want to read and run so first off

2nd. I also get emails from girls who want sex with me or emails for Viagria as spam however I wouldn't ever check phone before dp asked too see as we both know it's spam unless it wasn't..

3rd. 1am storming out of house because of you seeing said emails is deffo alarm bells

What id do
-don't doubt yourself and dont let him talk you into doubting either

• if you do gain acess again to phone and emails have vanished they (for me) ain't spam and that's hiding something
• you mentioned another baba being due soon so this needs sorting before that event he is going to have to speak to you about this and if he doesn't your going have to get your boss lady knickers on and bloody well make him possibly ask him to leave the house or stay somewhere else until it's sorted? Not nice however shock tactics can work.

Have you thought about what your going to do or say if he admits he was up to something even if cheating eyes were all it was and no actual cheating??

Hand holding for you x

Whether he has something to hide or not (and it's certainly suspicious behaviour) the reality is you don't trust him. You are minimising what you think he could be up to, but only by putting logistical barriers in his way ("No time to cheat") not because you think he couldn't possibly be cheating on you.

You say he can't or won't talk about it so I think you have to decide for yourself how you want to do things. Do you want to ignore it (you've already lived 6 years with this man - is it worth these feelings of distrust? Or do you want to get rid and start over?

It's possible that if you choose the get rid and start over route that he will decide you are worth more than the disrespect he's given you, in which case you may get the sort of discussion you sound like you'd really like. I would just say be cautious if this happens because someone who needs that kind of brinkmanship to start giving you your due seems pretty high maintenance.

People with nothing to hide hide nothing.

Frequently checking your partner's phone behind their back is an invasion of privacy but that's not what you did. You went about this the right way, openly asking to see it. The fact he wouldn't let you is massive and is as good as guilty to me (like drunk drivers who refuse to provide a roadside breath test).

I have never checked my partner's phone and to my knowledge he hasn't mine. But we've discussed in the past if there'd ever be an appropriate time, and both agreed that if one of us felt they had reason to suspect something was going on, we'd be fine with a 'can I see your phone?' with no warning, right here, right now, in front of each other. That's what you tried to do.

Think about it: if my OH was worried about my behaviour and asked to see my phone and I was innocent how would I act? I'd be falling over myself to give it to him, to reassure him, to find out what made him worry in the first place and show I had nothing to hide. The only reason I'd stalk off would be to fake being huffy and offended and give myself time to delete!

I'm someone who takes my phone everywhere, because I'm always using it to read! If he thought it was odd I take it to the bathroom with me I'd want him to ask and to explain why (I'm just glued to it) and let him see what he liked.

You don't trust him, rightly from the sounds of it. Anyone can find time to cheat, but even if it isn't physical cheating yet would you really tolerate sexting, cams, an emotional affair, phone sex? Where is your line?

You must be feeling vulnerable right now with a baby on the way but getting away from a man you can't trust who acts like this is only gonna get more difficult when baby is here.

You already know what he's been doing with his phone, and you deem it cheating. You don't need any further evidence beyond what you've seen, and messages on a hook up site from a woman in lingerie speaks volumes without seeing the specific content.

I do most of those things. Its a default action for me to always pick my phone up and put it in my pocket because of work, it is an express rule so it's become normal and something I do without thinking.

I'm also a fiercely private person. My DH has never looked at my phone. If he did, I'd be concerned about his lack of trust but would hand my phone over as there's nothing I need to hide.

The emails could be from a porn site if he watches porn on his phone. He's not necessarily cheating on you though. Does he otherwise seem committed to you and your lives together?

Shoxfordian he does seem commited, he doesn't try to escape our company, make excuses to leave, if he has time off then he is with us, the only suspicious thing really is how he is with his phone, everything he has to hide is on there, there is nothing else for me to be suspicious about, so I don't fully understand what he his hiding.

It sounds to me then that he's using porn on his phone more at the moment than usual, maybe because you're pregnant and not having sex as much although that's an assumption. Maybe he's embarrassed by it and that's why he doesn't want you to see it all.
I don't think he's cheating on you based on this although it might be worth having a chat about intimacy and seeing what he thinks. I can see why you're upset but this doesn't definitely seem like he's cheating on you to me.

Do you remember the site name? It could be a cam site, where they pay to talk and watch girls doing things.

Yeah if it was in his emails it's more likely he has subscribed to some sort of porn/chat thing. It's awful but I would be more hurt to discover WhatsApp's from a colleague iyswim. I would lay your cards on the table this morning. Ask for complete transparency if there is any hope of moving forwards and if he refuses to be honest, ask him to leave.

Is there anyone else who can be your birth partner? You need someone you trust when you're so vulnerable. He's acting guilty so he's definitely done something. I'd quietly prepare to leave so you're ready when you feel strong enough.

Of course the spam emails exist...but that doesn't account for him always having his phone on him/Being secretive and getting an increased heart when you went for his phone.

You don't get out of bed like he did and walk off at 1am unless you have something to hide.

Unless he knows you're prepared to end the relationship over this, he won't be honest with you.

You can ask him to be honest and come clean ....giving a chance to work things out ... or if he doesnt.. the relationship is over. That doesnt mean either of you has to move out right now ...especially in your condition ...but you could began by telling him he won't be in the delivery room. You won't have someone you can't trust seeing you in that vulnerable state.

Say it calmly and leave him to decide if he's prepared to be honest with you.