DP walked out the house at 1am as I asked to look at his phone....

[Angelina7]

Hi all,
Please be kind and gentle I'm obviously feeling fragile.
Bit of background ...
Been with DP coming up 6 years, have 1 child and 1 on the way ....v nearly here actually.
Anyway I have had this unsettling feeling now for a while, he takes his phone everywhere with him ...to the bathroom, next to him in bed, even if he walks out the room for a minute he takes it. He left it on charge in the kitchen other day & I was in the kitchen ...he then moved from sofa to a place he could see the kitchen!
Sooo tonight I come to bed & he is already asleep, he listens to talking on it to fall asleep through headphones. I lay there for a while then it got louder so I reached across to turn it off as he was asleep anyway, he woke with a start & I mumbled 'it's too loud' & he turned it off but what got me was his heart rate, It was racing as if he was panicked that I was looking at phone while he was asleep which of course got me going again with my suspicions. After a while I couldn't take it anymore 'can I see your phone?' I said & he asked why, I said ' you take it every where with you & I want to see some trust'. He starts looking at his emails & I asked 'what are u doing?' he said just looking at my emails & handed the phone over so of course where do I go straight to? ....his emails and it only takes a scroll down to find he's a member of a site where a girl with pic in lingerie has messaged him on & i can't see her message but the site says she wants sex or someone along those lines.... He forcefully takes the phone back from me and won't let me see any more saying hes not a kid and I shouldn't have the right to just check his phone and it's weird, I said its not weird, you are being very defensive and in denial, he wouldn't talk to me, grabbed a few personal belongings and his coat and went out at 1am ... presumably to delete everything he has on the phone of guilt!
I think I heard him come back just now but he's not come into the bedroom.
Sooooo, what do I do with this?
How can I react?
I know from the past he is totally unwilling to talk, but I cannot let it slide.
Also he actually has no time to physically cheat on me and he now works his own business that's totally open to the public, our community where lots of people know me and him now and I pop in unannounced any time so I am not sure he has been able to physically cheat in person, but what else happens on these sites?!! Even if he's chatting dirty it's cheating in my eyes, he would never accept me to do that!
I don't know what to do as I have no hard evidence, just feelings as he has made sure of this!! Obviously I would not be with him if I didn't love him but really it is like perhaps he has a split personality and he shows me his lovely family man side but is hiding his other side, but again, no evidence ...so frustrating.
Please be kind x

He could be staying with his OW. His behaviour is being dodgy. He's not going to be able to prove he's not cheating ...but his actions prove he's hiding something and it's not a marriage proposal. His actions following the incident confirm that.

His behaviour is not that of an innocent man.

Yeah - a couple were having an affair at my workplace and they were shagging in the disabled loo in the office. People will take surprisingly big risks.

I don’t think it matters if he has been cheating.

He sounds appalling anyway. Walking out on his pregnant partner and young child without telling you where he was going knowing you would be upset and worrying is disgusting.

Any man or woman with nothing to hide can leave their phone in full view and let their partner use it if they want.
He is hiding something and can't be trusted.
Do you want to live the rest of your life with a man you can't trust?
So sorry this is happening to you

Sorry op, it's not looking good. His behaviour is awful wether or not he's been up to no good. Walking out, going missing, ignoring communications. All at a time when you need him. You deserve better than this.

I've just seen that you aren't married, does he have a fear of commitment? A man who doesn't want to marry you when you have children together isn't a keeper imo.
A keeper would want to protect you financially, not steer away so he can pay as little as he can if you split.
Do you have access to all bank accounts, I'd be checking those now, if he has his own I'd be expecting to see his account.

Any news OP? Hope you are ok

Well he turned up last night. At first he was still like a brick wall, all guarded, not thinking he ever needs to let me see his phone and not wanting to talk. He had stayed with his friend who he also works with. He asked my bottom line, I said unless he is willing to be more open, show me he has nothing to hide then that's it. He offered to pack his bags! And I said yes ok you had better go as your not willing to compromise and that's what relationships r about if they r to work,. Then he spoke to his mum on the phone and told her what had happened, then he changed his tune completely and said if that's what it takes I can ask to see his phone when I want and I looked at it and I saw what I had seen was spam. I'm not saying he's not hiding anything as he could easily have got rid of what he wanted to by this time! So what now? He didn't leave as he compromised but if he doesn't or if he disappears again I will pack his bag for him. There is a long way to go and I will decide as the next part of our lives unfold.

Sorry, let me get this straight. You had an argument, you are 8 months pregnant and you have a 4 year old and after this argument, he stormed out and didn't come back for 2 days? Sorry, this man has a serious attitude problem. And whether or not he had something to hide on his phone (and it certainly sounds like it did), to behave this way when the two of you disagree is simply not okay.

The fact that he could wonder off for two days also tells me that he's not exactly father of the year in terms of taking responsibility for your dd as clearly he knew you'd be there to pick her up, feed her, bath her and put her to bed. He clearly doesn't care much about your feelings i the thinks its okay to disappear for two days.

It's really not clear to me what you get out of this relationship?

So he comes back after two days AWOL and when you ask to see his phone he still refuses to show you? And it’s only when his mother gets involved (how old is he exactly?!) that he lets you see it. Yes, he could’ve easily deleted anything in this time. I think the fact he refused to show you the phone to the extent he was threatening ending the relationship speaks volumes tbh. There has to be something else going on here OP, sorry. If I asked to see my DP’s phone for whatever reason, he would just hand it over as would I with him because we have nothing to hide. He clearly does.

He doesn't sound much cop, to be honest OP, I think I'd have been tempted to let him pack.
Give it some thought ... although fron your posts, it's pretty obvious, that you are clued up ! 🌸

He called and spoke to his Mum she probably told him he was being a dick and can't come home to live, act like a grown up and work it out.
So now I suppose you have to wait and see if he is going to get his shit together and actally trust you to look at his phone like a commited partner. I hope he can realize what an idiot he has been, he should be groveling big time now and making sure never to act so stupid again.

You are carrying his child. His behaviour is appalling. A doctor yes, he's cheating, emotionally at the very least. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Yeah, fuck this shit. He's been deleting and concocting cover stories. I'd chuck him out now, while he is still 'in the wrong' before he settles back in and gaslights you every time you want clarification. X

Fuck him off, what a twat.

Lol I bet that was a shock to him when you said yeah go on then pack your bags! He was probably expecting you to be like oh no please don’t go.
I think he’s 100% hiding something. He will probably be more clever now and delete things straight away but hopefully you will catch him out. Good luck op sounds like you’ll need it.

I bet he has spent the past two days finding a friend who knows how to erase his internet/ messaging history! He has something to hide and his sudden turnaround after calling his Mother is very suspicious. Like his whole act of packing his bags was a facade and he wants you to believe this has all been over his 'principles'.

If he is now 'happy' for you to have access to his phone, be wary, he may now have a second phone (the glove compartment of his car might be worth checking) or have a second email address. It is really up to you whether you are prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt, or whether he has completely broken your trust in him.

You are in a vulnerable position now, I would be considering whether you have a friend or relative that can be your birth partner and leave your dp to look after your dc. I think at the least if you are giving him the benefit of the doubt that he needs to work hard to regain your trust! You don't want to be at your most vulnerable with a man who has such little concern for the well-being for his partner and child, that he can walk away for two days without even asking after your well-being.

Sooo if he has nothing to hide- WHY is he watching his phone charging in the kitchen? Sorry OP but that is a laughable thing to do when you've got 'nothing to hide'
He vanished for 2 days, plenty of time to delete all the necessary things. Please don't be so gullible

I can understand in your situation that you aren't ready to give him his marching orders. But you're basically letting him treat you disrespectfully, and that just feeds into him continuing to treat you badly - he won't appreciate how generous you're being, he'll just think you'll put up with anything. Because you are.

This won't end well. He's not even saying he's sorry, is he?

Yes I do understand that from the outside it is simple ...he went off for a day and a night , I am 8 months pregnant and look after his child, I could be better off without him yes and let's face it I'm a mum, I do all the parenting anyway plus work full time I can survive without him! But it's not a decision made yet either way, and I need to know 100% that I am making the right decision if I end it. I think he was totally shocked I said yes pack your bags and go, he realised I am not willing to put up with him doing as he pleases which is probably what changed his tune, he realised he could lose us through this where as b4 he didn't. I have found a paper about a local mental health group he has scribbled some details on the back of, so he maybe taking some steps to getting some help. There is alot obviously I am attached to about him and don't want to say goodbye to for myself and for our children too (wouldn't be with him anyway if there wasn't fantastic times would I?!) I know that he will be losing more than me if I said bye so I feel stronger to end it if I need to. He won't be disrespecting me again coz it will be bye bye and he knows that now, I don't know if I am doing the right thing but all I can do is go with my gut.

The local MH group is irrelevant. This man isn't diagnosed with any MH issues. And even if he is mentally unwell? That's no excuse for acting like a cheating, lying, responsibility dodging scumbag.

Oh dear. I can understand that given the circumstances you want to believe this, frankly appallingly transparent, pile of pish. You and your children deserve better (because regardless of whether he was/is cheating or behaving inappropriately, no decent person disappears like lord lucan and then swans home.)
He sounds awful. I'd have seized the chance at an easy get-out, in your shoes. But I'm not in your shoes, so do whatever you think is best and good luck to you.

This is so sad, a perfectly capable, clever woman giving scum like this a chance to morph into a decent partner. You may think this is a shocking wake up call for him and how he will suddenly start respecting you, but in reality he will carry on with his very devious and dubious porn/hook ups/ whatever and just hide it better.