DP walked out the house at 1am as I asked to look at his phone....

[Angelina7]

Hi all,
Please be kind and gentle I'm obviously feeling fragile.
Bit of background ...
Been with DP coming up 6 years, have 1 child and 1 on the way ....v nearly here actually.
Anyway I have had this unsettling feeling now for a while, he takes his phone everywhere with him ...to the bathroom, next to him in bed, even if he walks out the room for a minute he takes it. He left it on charge in the kitchen other day & I was in the kitchen ...he then moved from sofa to a place he could see the kitchen!
Sooo tonight I come to bed & he is already asleep, he listens to talking on it to fall asleep through headphones. I lay there for a while then it got louder so I reached across to turn it off as he was asleep anyway, he woke with a start & I mumbled 'it's too loud' & he turned it off but what got me was his heart rate, It was racing as if he was panicked that I was looking at phone while he was asleep which of course got me going again with my suspicions. After a while I couldn't take it anymore 'can I see your phone?' I said & he asked why, I said ' you take it every where with you & I want to see some trust'. He starts looking at his emails & I asked 'what are u doing?' he said just looking at my emails & handed the phone over so of course where do I go straight to? ....his emails and it only takes a scroll down to find he's a member of a site where a girl with pic in lingerie has messaged him on & i can't see her message but the site says she wants sex or someone along those lines.... He forcefully takes the phone back from me and won't let me see any more saying hes not a kid and I shouldn't have the right to just check his phone and it's weird, I said its not weird, you are being very defensive and in denial, he wouldn't talk to me, grabbed a few personal belongings and his coat and went out at 1am ... presumably to delete everything he has on the phone of guilt!
I think I heard him come back just now but he's not come into the bedroom.
Sooooo, what do I do with this?
How can I react?
I know from the past he is totally unwilling to talk, but I cannot let it slide.
Also he actually has no time to physically cheat on me and he now works his own business that's totally open to the public, our community where lots of people know me and him now and I pop in unannounced any time so I am not sure he has been able to physically cheat in person, but what else happens on these sites?!! Even if he's chatting dirty it's cheating in my eyes, he would never accept me to do that!
I don't know what to do as I have no hard evidence, just feelings as he has made sure of this!! Obviously I would not be with him if I didn't love him but really it is like perhaps he has a split personality and he shows me his lovely family man side but is hiding his other side, but again, no evidence ...so frustrating.
Please be kind x

It almost doesn't matter if he's cheating. He's treating you awfully and I suggest you tell him to sleep elsewhere for a while. And they always find the time if they'd want a shag .

Angelina he needs to sort out his MH away from you if he wants to save this family. You seem to be trained to put his needs and wants before yours. You are pregnant and have a child. You don't need another adult 'baby' to look after. It's on HIM to get help and stop being such a selfish prick.

I agree LizzieDarcy1907! He sent a few messages of pics of his emails yesterday (that I can't see properly due to needing a memory card in phone) saying he has no link to them he doesn't use sites he just doesn't like the way I treat him, but I didn't treat him horrible, he has given me cause for concern with his phone so I asked to see it, of course I get angry when he takes it forcefully away from me and storms off! And if he had nothing to hide why would he do that? ...he wouldn't and he would come home to reassure me surely.

Blaming it on your behaviour is a huge smokescreen. He is trying to divert attention away from himself.

Memorably, my cheating ex threatened to throw his phone out of the car window rather than let me look at it. He also played the depression card.

So sorry to hear what you’re going through Angelina
Even if this is nothing. The emails are spam, his behaviour is deplorable, unpredictable, unsettling and basically unkind to someone who’s needs right now should trump his.

I was married for over 30 years to someone who was of similar nature.

If you look at the long picture and you stay the distance like I did, you’ll be able to look back on lots of instances through your life together where you will encounter this kind of behaviour , where the person feels entitled to act in a certain way without considerating the hurt they pile onto their partner. The one they are supposed to love as much as themselves.

14 years ago my exh carried his phone around like a baby. Phones were just taking off then, I didn’t have mumsnet, I wasn’t looking for anything suspicious, so I didn’t see anything suspicious...but it was all there, hidden in plain sight and he played me like a kipper.
If I’d demanded to see his phone..I would’ve got the same entitled reaction.

And yes mine found the time to cheat and by the time our marriage was over there had been scores of women including Prostitues.
My gut feeling says, you don’t over react like that unless you’re trying to keep someone away from getting to the truth of things whatever they may be. Acting in a defensive way is designed to make you sad, hurt fearful so you leave him alone.

If you decide to stay with him make sure you always have rainy day money because you may need it.

Don’t let him lull you into a false sense of security. Hopefully it’s nothing more than his bad behaviour but be sure to protect yours and you’re childrens future.

Labradoodle I honestly don't know, it's good to hear from everyone on here, it helps immensely just having people listening. I am so tired I feel like I can't come to a decision now, I need time really to think clearly.

You don't need hard proof of anything Angelina7. If he's acting dodgy (an he is) it's up to him to make things right.
Ignore him for a while, he's starting to panic by sending you pics of messages. Let him sweat a while and concentrate on being kind to yourself.

This is exactly how my ex used to act. He was 'sexting' other women on WhatsApp, kik and Snapchat. When he started a new job he started doing it with people he was working with, after I threw him out (after years of being gaslighted) he got with one of the women.

But what hurt the most was how cold and distant he was every time I confronted him. When I was pregnant, with a newborn - he would dissappear when confronted and wouldn't answer when I phoned. These men are cowards, I tried to get past it and make it work but it is impossible when they won't do anything to restore trust. Op save yourself further heartbreak the fact he is treating you like this when your heavily pregnant shows how little respect he has for you.

He is trying to deflect the blame by making you feel guilty for treating HIM badly. When I asked to see my Xh's phone he threw it across the kitchen smashing it, end of evidence. His was gambling though not OW, but still the same over-reaction.

The not being willing to talk really struck a chord with me, it's so destructive. My ex was incapable of talking and whenever he heard the dreaded words "we need to talk" he just picked out one of the following:

A) I'm not discussing it now, I'm just going to work
B) I'm not discussing it now, I've just got home
C) I'm not discussing it now, it's my day off

I think leaving him is too drastic in your current situation but I also think that you need to accept you have evidence purely by his reaction. Staying out and not contacting you is totally unreasonable at 8 months pregnant!!! No wonder he has anxiety, he is making himself anxious with his actions.

You are not going to leave him because you love him and clearly want to make this work so you need a strong plan of action and to stick to it. Firstly you tell him you want to talk.....face to face and no avoiding it. Tell him you will accept nothing less than 100% honesty and if you can't have this then you will have to consider ending your marriage. I would also tell him you want open access to his phone and he can have the same. I do think you can come back from this but you need to make him realise he is in grave danger of losing you all.

Good luck

I'm sorry OP. Leaving the house and not contacting you after what happened between you is such a horrible thing to do to you. He must know you'll be worried sick and stressed out and he doesn't care, despite you being pregnant. Funny how he thinks it's fine to just disappear because he knows you will take care of your child.

I think your relationship is over. It bloody well should be. Time to start acting as if it is and decide what the next steps are. Who is going to leave the house for example.

You say your friends aren't close, how far away are they? Don't underestimate people's willingness to drop everything and come be with you if they possibly can. I live 60 miles - 200 miles away from some of my close friends and I'd be there in a shot if something like this happened to them. Distance is no issue with those you love.

You're stronger than you think and you deserve much better than this.

What's your plans for the day!

If he is willing to prove all is innocent, then he will have no problem with retrieving his deleted emails for you to look at (there should be a facility to do this as most email servers will retain deleted emails for X amount of time before permanently deleting them). I would also ask to take a look at his internet usage history!

He is stonewalling and gaslighting you to the point you are likely questioning whether you were treating him badly, despite knowing you are completely innocent! Don't let him blame you when you know that your dh has acted completely out of order and guilty!

Has he been in touch yet OP ?
How are you ?

Sorry you are going through this.

The email you saw could well have been spam as PP’s have mentioned. Both my DP and I get them regularly, I have no idea why. I know it’s too late now but you should have gone straight to his deleted emails because it does sound as though he deleted something he didn’t want you to see before handing you it. The behaviour with his phone is unbelievably suspicious and nobody would act this way unless they had something to hide. The fact he has now run away and gone into hiding is only further evidence tbh.

It must be horrendous finding out something like this when you are weeks away from giving birth. I would stop attempting to contact him, focus on your DC and on keeping yourself as healthy and stress free as possible for your baby. He will undoubtedly return over the next few days with his tail between his legs, either grovelling or making ten thousand excuses (don’t be surprised if he tries to blame you- it is NOT your fault.) You must be strong as difficult as that is and refuse to accept it unless he shows you everything on his phone and had a good explanation for why he has been hiding it. My DP was sketchy with his phone just before Christmas, turned out he was messaging my tattooist to arrange a tattoo for me as a Christmas gift so yes, there are sometimes benign explanations but your OH’s behaviour really isn’t pointing towards that.

If he isn't back I would assume he's with the other woman and start packing.

Hi your all making so much sense thanks for all the input.

Still not heard from him I have tried to contact him (I know I shouldn't but I can't not!) ..but nothing, and been passed his work but not there so yes I am presuming he is getting his jollies somewhere else really especially as he feels he has an excuse to b free now 🙄. I feel as anyone would ... hurt bewildered angry worried confused as he is such a 'family man's to us, and desperate to know a bit more even though I know it's not good ..I feel angry he feels he has a right to hide the truth from me. His debit and credit card, and all his ID are here so I'm guessing he will have to come back at some point?!! Not to mention he will start to smell with only the clothes on him! When he comes back I want to see all deleted on his phone and him to talk (I don't expect he will) if not I will have to say bye bye because I can't be THAT woman, I only will be treated well and as I treat him ...honest & loyal. Tbh he would be losing more than me, he always speaks of men he knows who have left their family as 'why would he leave his wife and children!' well look who's talking now. I don't want to lose him (I always felt he was the right one and we have been through lots together with lots of memories) but I can't tolerate a cheater so unless he can prove otherwise ...

He was trying to hide something from you. You don't trust him.
He walked out.
Depression and anxiety (even if that's what he actually have) don't make you lie to your partner and deceive them.
You deserve better than this.

he's a cheater.. his behaviour screams.... I have something to hide I'm so sorry OP.. please take care of yourself and your health in your current condition.. try not to get yourself stressed

Could he ave gone to his parents ? Family ?

Regardless him walking out when you are this pregnancy is unforgivable
.

I havent read the whole thread, sorry if this has already been suggested. Does he have family close by? Parents, bro, sis etc

You say he has no debit card, no credit card, no change of clothes, and is not at work - this would worry me - where has he been since walking out? Do you have the ability to contact anyone who would know where he is, just to make sure he is ok? Even if you don't contact him directly/speak to him, just to check if anyone else has seen him since he walked out of home?

It does sound as if he has something to hide, either gambling or some other addiction, or an affair of some description. But equally, people with depression can act very oddly - so while it seems suspicious, maybe it isn't?

My exH battered me when I asked to see his phone. Me on my knees crying and asking what happened with xyz and he would still say nothing. Physically hurting me if I tried to touch it.

DP now says if I am feeling insecure I can ask and he'll hand it over no questions asked. He also leaves it lying about and I know his passcode.

He also knows mine etc

He doesn't have any family here, they are abroad so he can't be with them! And yes it is worrying, he will have some cash and travel cards with him so ok for now but yes it is worrying but at the same time he's kept his phone charged as it still rings and it's not been that long so I'm not that worried yet! I don't have any of his friends numbers and I don't know them tbh as not close friends.
Grandtheftwalrus that's awful he was physically hurting you ... thankfully I haven't had that but it's very nice indeed to hear there are good eggs out there and you've got one ...I'm wondering if there are any good ones as I thought he was but seems to have 2 sided personality!

I think nearly every woman on here who's been cheated on has said, "But he can't be cheating as he just doesn't have time." And if your partner is visiting prostitutes then that doesn't take much time. There is guilt written all over this, OP. I think you should go to a clinic for a test, tbh.